The Story Continues

You may get tired of ambiguous updates on the adoption process, but I don't know what to say. . .welcome to my life?? chuckle It seems this uncertainty is just a part of this particular journey and inspires me to simply hold more tightly to the Lord's hand.

I'm writing out the stories of our past two adoptions for a friend (slowly, very slowly!) and I am saddened to find how fuzzy the details have become over the last four years. In response to that sadness, I am being particularly careful to record more of this journey, so here you go.

It's been one of those weeks. We got a call last Thursday that an AA girl was born on Wednesday, April 21, and her mother was considering making an adoption plan. This birthmother, LaCara, was working with the agency through whom we adopted Easton and Kiana (out of Kansas City, not the Florida lawyer). Our social worker asked if we wanted to be presented, said the baby was going from the hospital to one of their foster homes, and the birthmother would be choosing a family the beginning of the week. Of course we said yes, and I tried to just go ahead with my weekend plans with my older daughter and some friends to a homeschool conference and trust that God would work out His will.

On Friday, we received a call from the Florida adoption attorney that they had presented us to a birthmother (Amy) who was due November 3 and she had chosen our family! Whoops! Miscommunication there--you are not supposed to be presented to two situations at once, for who wants to tell a birthmother they have to go with their second choice to be the forever family for their baby?! We were in a quandary--what to do, what to do. We prayed and prayed all weekend.

There were so many factors to take into consideration. Even though Amy had officially chosen us, she's not due until November, our home study expires in October, we were less than pleased with the bill presented by that lawyer over the failed adoption, . . .we had not told them to present us to her. And here was another baby, already born, through an agency we have LOVED working with in the past. But she was still looking over families to choose someone to parent her little girl.

Then we learned that LaCara didn't sign the termination papers. Because of her situation, her baby will be in the foster system until she gets her life together, but she wants to hold onto the hope of someday getting her baby back, so she didn't follow through on an adoption plan.

Now what to do about Amy? We took another day of intense prayer and discussion before we called the lawyer to talk over our options. Frankly, it was a horribly stressful time for me and I was on the verge of tears throughout it. My list of pros/cons stressed me out, and I was completely out of control of the situation (yes, God is still working on my control-freak tendencies); yet it wasn't as much about a lack of trust in God as it was this horrible responsibility of feeling like we had a decision to make and we didn't know what decision would be best--we sincerely did not know what decision God wanted us to make. Usually it has seemed we can pray and study the Word and sense some direction--this time we just had no idea what to do. One friend provided clarity as I was sharing with her and she asked "would either decision take you out of God's will?" It was a relief to realize that no, neither decision would be 'wrong'. All options would just be difficult. Most of the situation just didn't bring peace to us, yet we value the life of each child and want to support mothers who are choosing life for their children.

When we called the lawyer, we learned that they had visited with Amy about the situation we were in and she was happy with another family they had available to parent her baby. How good God is! She is happy with her decision, her baby will have a safe and loving home, and we have peace that our prayers for discernment, guidance, and His will were answered.

Which brings us to today. We received an email from the social worker working with LaCara sharing that her situation is up in the air. Her baby is still in the foster care of our adoption agency rather than the state. Might the Lord yet move her to make a permanent plan of security for her baby rather than moving her around in foster care while she attempts to get her life straightened out? Only God knows, and time will reveal it to us. Meanwhile. . .you guessed it. . .we're praying!!!

Pig Slop

I looked in the slop bucket this morning. Can you imagine being the prodigal son, reduced to eating this with the pigs? After living the high life, scorning respectability and responsibility, a Jewish man is caring for pigs (unclean in more ways than one!) and 'longing' to eat their food--while knowing he had rejected the life his father freely offered. (Luke 15:11-31)
Disgusting.

In reading Crazy Love, I am reminded that God HATES sin.

"It takes a lot for us to comprehend God's total hatred for sin. We make excuses like 'Yes, I am prideful at times, but everyone struggles with pride.' However, God says in Proverbs 8:13 'I hate pride and arrogance.' You and I are not allowed to tell Him how much He can hate it. He can hate and punish it as severely as His justice demands" (34).

I wonder how long it will be before I see with God's eyes. How long until I look at sin and see it as repulsive and disgusting--far more so than that picture of slop for the pigs that I wouldn't even consider eating. God the Father has so much to offer us, such peace and joy and abundant life, yet we tend to wallow in the mire with the pigs, blindly preferring this supposed 'pleasure for a season' because we simply don't see it as disgusting.

In his convicting profile of the lukewarm person Chan describes "Lukewarm people don't really want to be saved from their sin; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin. They don't genuinely hate sin and aren't truly sorry for it; they're merely sorry because God is going to punish them. Lukewarm people don't really believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one" (70). They "probably drink and swear less than average," he continues, "but besides that, they really aren't very different from your typical unbelievers. They equate their partially sanitized lives with holiness, but they couldn't be more wrong" (79).

Dear Lord, Give me your vision of sin. Remove temptation far from me, and fill me with hatred for sin that separates me from you. Cleanse my palate and renew my appetite for You. Through the name of Your Son Who was tortured, mocked, beaten and died for my sin, Amen.

Focusing the Goal

"Marcus was handsome, intelligent, well-spoken, shrewd. Julia was beautiful, charming, full of life. Both were well educated and admired by their peers" (212).

I think about who I want my children to be. I can't help but set goals for them. I think every parent does this, but I wonder what is the focus of our goals. . .and what the focus of our goals should be. I wonder if we even think about this in the way we should.

"Nevertheless, Decimus felt a gnawing despair, a sense of failure as their father" (212).

If you are a Francine Rivers fan, as I am, you surely recognize these characters. I'm reading her Mark of the Lion trilogy (for either the third or fourth time--I've lost track--and YES, it's that good!) and I am especially struck by the relationship between parents and children this time. I'm struck by the focus of the parents, the things they value, the goals they set, and the resulting values and actions of the children.

"It was an appalling realization that the child he had created and loved so much held in contempt both him and all he held sacred. . .How is it possible that we have two children so opposed to all we believe in? What has happened to virtue and honor and ideals? Marcus believes nothing is true and anything is permitted. Julia thinks the only thing that matters is her own pleasure. I've worked my entire life in order to give my children everything I never had at their age--wealth, education, position. And now I look at them and wonder if my life is simple vanity. They haven't the smallest fiber of moral character" (213).

Is it my goal to give my children everything I never had? Is my goal my children's happiness?

His words hurt, and Phoebe sought some way to defend her children. "Don't judge them so harshly, Decimus. It's neither your fault, nor mine, nor theirs. It's the world they live in" (214).

Do I make excuses for my children? Do I lower my standards--indeed, God's standards--to those of the world? Do I claim my children as victims of circumstances or empower them to choose who and what they will serve?

"Whatever feels good is right. Whoever stands in the way of their pleasures, they want destroyed. They demand the moral chains be removed, never understanding that it's moral restraint that keeps man civilized. . .I am afraid for them, Phoebe. What happens to a society when all restraints are removed? I see our children consumed with watching blood be spilled in the arena. I see them seeking an unending diet of sensual pleasure. . .The more our children have, the more they want, and the less conscience they have about how they get it" (214)

I am a little scared at how familiar this sounds, in spite of the fact that this book is set in Ancient Rome.

In contrast, God defines and outlines the way to success.

Joshua 1:8 This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

It's not about looks, intelligence, abilities or popularity. God has a completely different standard--a far loftier goal. I truly can't even wrap my brain around it. I want to understand it; I want to aspire to it. But I'm not sure that's even humanly possible. I want to train my children to be prepared to face the Lord. I don't just want them to be good citizens, good providers, good homemakers, patriots, scholars or hard workers.

I went to a conference this past weekend with my daughter and was impressed by a message titled "Shepherding Your Child With Eternal Aims." He summed it all up in one verse of Scripture.

The goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart, and a good conscience, and a sincere faith. I Timothy 1:5

Love from a pure heart. Love from a good conscience. Love from a sincere faith. Now that is a goal worth setting.

Life Skills

Raising boys is very interesting. I am just reminded over and over again how different they are from me. Destry, who will be 13 in August, is learning more and more from his dad. I enjoy seeing the many things they make together, and the life skills Destry is developing as a result.

A couple years ago, it was all about swords. He made them all the time, and our yard, basement, and outbuildings are still littered with them.
His little brother and sister are now very grateful for that time he spent making swords.
He graduated from wooden swords to metal swords like this one.And another stage was guns, also made of all sorts of materials.
A more recent fascination has been with knives. Destry made this knife from a scrap of metal. Yes, it is sharpened. He then added the finger guard, and finally a wooden handle.
And every 'Crocodile Dundee' knife needs a sheathe, right? He thinks he should be able to wear it everywhere he goes, including church (that is actually fine with me), Walmart (sigh, I doubt it's fine with them) and the state capitol!!! (NO, go take that off and leave it at home!)
He is currently working on another knife as a gift for his good buddy, Tallis. It's going to be a *surprise* though, Mom, so don't share this post! :)Destry has helped his dad build fence around the farm several times, building a fence around my garden (to protect those vegetables from the pesky chickens!) was his first project building a fence all by himself.

Well, okay, so maybe he had a *little* help.I'm very happy with the result, and particularly happy with the fine young man my son is becoming.

Darling Hairstyle

I am pretty happy with Kiana's latest hairstyle. Isn't it just darling?

I started with box braids in the back. In retrospect, I should have made smaller boxes, but it looks okay this way.
Then we put these cute little pigtails in, divided them into thirds, and braided each third.
Finally, I put two little cornrows in the front!!! I am so happy with how they turned out!! This is my third attempt at cornrows, and well, let's just say it's the first time it has actually LOOKED like cornrows! Briana helped me, and that made all the difference. I just need extra hands to be successful with cornrows. Maybe one of these days I will be coordinated enough to do it by myself, but for now, I appreciate Briana's extra hands to hold the pieces.Briana helps me with the beading, too. She 'loads the beader' because I, once again, don't seem to have enough hands to do it all at once. Kiana loves the beads--she shakes her head back and forth to feel them swing and hear them click. I love it when she runs through the house--her beads and braids bounce and swing and just sound so happy.It took a total of one hour, in two sittings, to accomplish this style. Let's hope it lasts all week! Thanks for sharing in my small success! smile

One Month Old Today

Cleara's baby turned one month old today.

For those of you just joining me, Cleara is the currently incarcerated birthmother we were matched with for two months, until the grandmother persuaded Cleara to let her parent.

You might think this should just be history now, but it's amazing how praying for someone ties heart strings together. I still pray for Cleara every day. I pray for the baby every day. I try not to worry that her grandmother is using drugs or not feeding and clothing her properly. I pray that she is feeling secure and loved. I pray that God will bring someone into their lives to teach them to love Jesus so that little girl will grow up knowing His name.

I had a miscarriage before we had our oldest child. I was young, 21, and you know how youth can protect us sometimes from the realities of life. We had been married for two years, I was in my last year of college, and it just 'seemed time to start a family.' So, I went off the pill in January and got pregnant right away. During spring break in the middle of March I miscarried. I was sad, I was scared. I lay on the couch all week and hurt and cramped and cried. When I passed the mass that I was sure was my baby, I left it in the toilet, not flushing and not knowing what to do with it. In hindsight, I wish I had fished it out and buried it, but I was young--that's my excuse. I showed it to my husband when he got home from work, and then he flushed the toilet.

But then I moved right on--confident that baby was in heaven, convinced that it was God's will and there was something wrong and this was His way of doing things. The next February, our first child was born. I've known other people to experience miscarriages and have a harder time emotionally with them--some were successive miscarriages, some were late-term miscarriages. Sometimes I think it even makes a difference just to be older and realize what you have lost, or to have had children and then have a miscarriage, because in these situations you have a *fuller understanding and appreciation for what you have lost* (that perhaps I didn't have at age 21). I don't mean to be hurtful in any way bringing this subject up for my friends who have suffered such loss--I'm just processing my personal experiences.

I bring this up because I've heard people compare a failed adoption to a miscarriage, and I am now here to share that in my experience, this failed adoption is harder. Can you understand that I feel like that is my baby out there. . .somewhere. . .and I don't know how she is doing? I don't know if she is loved and having her basic needs met or being neglected. I know she is not in a godly home, and she doesn't have a daddy or a grandpa, and the people in her life are repeating dangerous, unhealthy cycles over and over again. I know her 2 1/2 year old brother and 1 1/2 year old sister are in that same situation.

I sometimes daydream that the lawyer calls and says Cleara has signed the adoption paperwork afterall, and that her mother has decided to also let us parent the two older children. I daydream about who I would call to come watch our other children, what I would pack, and how soon we could hop on a plane to go hold our children. I wonder how long I'll keep doing this.

I'm praying that if it is God's will for us to raise this baby (or these babies) that He will move in a mighty way to bring them to our home. And if that is not His plan, that He will heal our hearts and provide for these children in some other way. We are still being presented to other birthmothers, but our hearts still feel tied to Cleara and we just haven't felt excited or connected to other birthmothers that we have been shown. A normal stage in mourning, or is God not done with this situation?

Please say a special prayer for Cleara today, that she will come to know the Lord. Please pray for her children, that they are safe and loved, and that they would come to know their Creator and Savior. Perhaps this is why they have touched our lives--so we can pray for them. Please continue praying for us, too, that God would continue to heal us and to work in our lives--that He would make His will known and that we would have peace in the meantime.

A Boy and His. . .DOG????

I love Spring. I love watching Easton play with the lambs. Lambs are so cute, anyway, and in the Spring, when they run and jump around. . .
Can't you just tell how curious that lamb is, and that she would love to climb right up that wall with him?They can just be walking along, then suddenly Easton takes off running and Liezl immediately skips and hops and bounds out in front of him.It's time to visit the piggies! Liezl is not afraid at all. It's as if she's inviting them to come out and enjoy the sunshine.

Some of the lambs became Passover sacrifices as we loaded them up into our makeshift stockrack and headed off to the sale. Easton and Kiana enjoyed looking at them out the back window on the way to the sale.
Just a few of the many great reasons to live the farm life--playmates for your children, ingenuity, and lessons about life like where food comes from!

Shades of Summer

I got tickled at Kiana wearing sunglasses just like her momma. . .Of course, she's adorable with them on, regardless of where she wears them.
I love, love, LOVE this little's girl's personality! She simply sparkles.

What Would YOU Have Done??

Keep this face in mind.

We got a STEAL of a deal for our son's fourth birthday. This little boy LOVES trains! I mean, he loves them like no kid I've seen since my friend Andrea's little boy--and I had never before seen anyone love trains the way he did! But if you know us, well, you know we don't tend to spend lots of money on toys and gifts. This train set, however, was marked down BELOW half price including shipping once I used a coupon on a clearance sale. We couldn't resist.

But would you believe how it came packaged?! UPS delivered it to our door (and guess who opened the door with me!) with no generic box, no plain paper wrapping. This is the side with our address on it--the other side had a beautiful picture of the train all set up.It was so obvious what it was! I tried a quick save, whisking it out of sight back onto the deck, (much to the confusion of the driver!) but this little boy was NOT born yesterday!
His birthday is May 8. It was April 13.
We have no self-control. We are terrible with surprises. We enjoy watching our children's pleasure even more than they enjoy the gift.
And does he EVER enjoy this gift!!
What would YOU have done??? :)

Crazy Love in Summary

I found this review and breakdown of Crazy Love on Amazon. It was written by James John Hollandsworth, M.D. I wanted to save this for future reference.

If you can read just one book this year, let Crazy Love be the one book.

It's that good. It's beautiful, hard-hitting, easy to read, convicting, life-transforming.

Remember a time when you had fallen in love? How everything in your life seemed to change? You did some crazy stuff. THAT'S exactly how our lives should change, if we truly fall in love with God.

Here is a summary of each chapter of the book, to give you a preview. I'll say it again, READ THIS BOOK!

Preface
This book is to convince you that by surrendering yourself totally to God's purposes, He will bring you the most pleasure in this life and the next.

Chapter One
Our problem isn't working harder, but realizing who God is, how "crazy" his love for us is, and falling in love with God. Because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything in your life.

Chapter Two
On the average day, we live caught up in ourselves. It's crazy that we think today is just a normal day to do whatever we want with. Do you live with the fact that perhaps today you will die? Life is all about God and not about us at all.

Chapter Three
The greatest good on this earth is God. Period. God's one goal for us is Himself. Do you believe that God is the greatest thing you can experience in the whole world?

Chapter Four
Remember the parable of the soils. DO NOT ASSUME YOU ARE GOOD SOIL. Most American churchgoers have thorns that choke any seed that is in them. A relationship with God simply cannot grow when money, sins, activities, favorite sports teams, addictions, or commitments are piled on top of it.

Chapter Five
Jesus clearly states over and over he wants all or nothing. We can not give him leftovers, we cannot give him only what doesn't hurt us or only what doesn't put us at risk.

Chapter Six
To change our hearts, what we value, what we risk, how we act, we don't need more guilt or more rules, we just need to be in love with God. Because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.

Chapter Seven
Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers.
God wants us to trust Him with abandon. He wants to show us how He works and cares for us. He doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come true.

Chapter Eight
People who are obsessed with Jesus care more about the Kingdom than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress, live lives that connect them with the poor, will do things that don't make sense in terms of success or wealth, will seek humility, take joy in loving people, will be known as givers, not takers, will orient their lives around eternity, and will be characterized by committed, settled, passionate love for God.

Chapter Nine
There are people who really do live with a crazy love for Jesus, and if you look at their lives, it will eliminate every excuse for not living a radical, love-motivated life for Him.

Chapter Ten
How you live your days becomes how you have lived your life.
Love. Risk. Listen to the Spirit. Be committed to live each day as if it is your last before you meet Jesus.

Lukewarm Leftovers

That sounds appetizing, doesn't it? I'm still reading Crazy Love. This is a book to read nice and slowly and really digest it. It is SO convicting, and I don't want to just read it quickly and move on with my life. I want this message to take root in my heart, to change my focus and perspective, and motivate change in my life.

One thing I got from these two chapters, discussing the oxymoron 'lukewarm christian' and giving God our leftovers, involves our perspective. So often, the way I look at things heavily influences the way I live. There were three perspective-changers that stood out to me.

First, in the parable of the soils from Luke 8, Chan says "do not assume you are good soil." Wow! How many times do religious teachers say that to their listeners?! That changes a perspective, doesn't it? It makes one evaluate whether I might accept the Word with joy, but have no roots and whither when the times of testing come. Or am I, perhaps, the thorny ground which allows the Word to be choked out by the cares of this world, the worries, riches and pleasures of life--and PRODUCE NO MATURE FRUIT!! (gasp)

As Chan says: For years I struggled with the parable of the soils. I wanted to know if the person representing the rocky soil is saved, even though he has no root. I then wondered about the thorny soil: Is this person saved since he does have root? I doubt if people even considered these questions back in Jesus' day! Is this idea of the non-fruit bearing Christian something that we have concocted in order to make Christianity easier? So we can follow our own course while still calling ourselves followers of Christ? (86)

So, the first perspective-changer challenges me to some self-evaluation. Am I truly the good ground, the honest and good heart, that holds on to the Word, endures, and bears fruit?

The second perspective-changer challenged my goals. For one thing, he reminded me of the man in Matthew 13:44 who, when he discovered a treasure, went and sold all that he had to buy it. This is compared to the kingdom of heaven. Do I feel this way about the kingdom of heaven? Whether this is referring to heaven or the kingdom of the church I do not know for sure, but either way, do I VALUE the kingdom of heaven so much that I will sell everything I have to be a part of it? Easy to say, perhaps, that 'oh yes, I *would*, I *would*. But, *DO* I???? (Looking around my house now. . .)

He also challenged a typical goal of American Christianity: "a nice marriage, children who don't swear, and good church attendance" (68). This makes me ask myself--what are my goals? what kind of a christian do I want to be? what can I do for Christ? what kinds of christians do I want to guide my children to be?

Finally, this section challenged my perspective on sharing the gospel to the purpose of bringing people to Christ. Chan emphasized the COST of following Christ (as Jesus Himself did in Luke 14:31-33) as "any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." It makes me wonder if we are fair to people, or if we sometimes push them to 'become Christians'. It's no wonder we have lukewarm people--they don't know what they are getting into! Chan says "Jesus didn't say that if you wanted to follow Him you could do it in a lukewarm manner, He said 'Take up your cross and follow me.'" (80).

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying we shouldn't share the gospel; rather, I am saying my perspective has been renewed on HOW we share the gospel--how we PREPARE people to LIVE for Christ.

In the United States, numbers impress us. We gauge the success of an event by how many people attend or come forward. We measure churches by how many members they boast. We are wowed by big crowds. Jesus questioned the authenticity of this kind of record keeping. According to the account in Luke chapter 8, when a crowd started following Him, Jesus began speaking in parables--"so that" those who weren't genuinely listening wouldn't get it. When crowds gather today, speakers are extraconscious of communicating in a way that is accessible to everyone. Speakers don't use Jesus' tactic to eliminate people who are not sincere seekers.

The fact is, He just wasn't interested in those who fake it. (66)

That quote sure made me think! I had to look up Luke 8 to check out his 'so that' claim--it's in verse 10. Isn't that an interesting perspective? And then the thought of 'eliminating' people who are not sincere seekers. What do you think of that? I've certainly seen people who profess to be Christians but never grow, never produce any fruit, and for years have to be babied along every step of the way, even just to attend meetings of the church. Were these people *prepared* to lay down their lives for Christ? IS there such a thing as a 'lukewarm Christian'? Does being 'spewed out of Christ's mouth' sound like salvation to you, or does it sound like 'Depart from me, I never knew you'?

Some people claim that we can be Christians without necessarily becoming disciples. I wonder, then, why the last thing Jesus told us was to go into the world, making disciples of all nations, teaching them to obey all that He commanded? You'll notice that He didn't add, "But hey, if that's too much to ask, tell them to just become Christians--you know, the people who get to go to heaven without having to commit to anything." (87)

So, my perspective on what type of soil I am, what types of goals a Christian sets, and how to prepare people to respond to the gospel are all being challenged and hopefully leading to changes in my life. These are just a few of the things that are impacting me from two chapters of this book. Stay tuned for more highlights. If you're not afraid to grow in your love for God and to be challenged in how you're living for Him, read this book with me!!

No Baby Yet

Shannon chose another family to parent her baby, due in June, so we are still waiting. Just thought I'd keep my blog updated in that regard. If it's God's will for us to have another child, He will bring that child in His timing, we are confident.

Lessons in Patience

The lawyer hasn't heard anymore from Cleara, so we're assuming she is content with her decision for her mom to parent her baby. We were presented to a birthmother last week who chose a different family. And our family is being presented either today or tomorrow to another birthmother, Shannon, who is expecting a baby in June. Meanwhile, we just enjoy the children God has given us and we wait. It makes me think of all the aspects of our lives that require patience--indeed, the times of waiting that develop patience.

My children have opportunities to develop this character trait in many other ways as well. It's that time of year again, you know. Time to sit and wait on fish.

To cast your pole again and again.And eventually you actually catch something!Similarly, Destry is disking the field and planting oats with Dad. I wish I had a picture of the harrow they rigged up (using a chain link fence and a heavy log!). Then we wait. . .for the fruit of the harvest.
Isn't life interesting?