My Daughter, My Sister, My Friend

I was invited to write a guest post for my friend Kaylene's blog series on raising daughters.  Since I am in this arrow-releasing season with my firstborn, I chose to write about a few things I've been learning these last few months.  You're invited to go see what we've been learning!

As my firstborn daughter has both graduated and turned 19 within the last year, I find our relationship--and my role in it--changing.  For years I have tried to bring her up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, but in this season my job is evolving.  She is not only my daughter, but ultimately my sister and my friend.

Navigating this season with our daughters is rife with challenges.  I don't want to treat her as a friend too soon when she needs me to be her authority.  But neither do I want to breed either rebellion or dependence by holding onto control too long. . .

Continue reading at Kaylene's blog

Chore Packs Revisited

I have problems with consistency.

We've used the chorepack system by the Maxwells quite successfully in the past.  The children wear their little pack filled with individual cards for each chore until all chores are completed.  It helps the kids to have a clear directive of what to do, and it helps me not to have to nag remind them again and again.

But we had neglected the chore packs the first semester of this school year.  With the new year, the new semester, I revamped their chore packs and determined to reinstate this wonderful routine.

It has been working splendidly for nearly three months now!  No more reminding kids to brush their teeth or hair, no more asking someone to sweep up after a meal, no more sending someone to get the mail, unload the dishwasher, or wash the dishes.

They retrieve their chorepacks after breakfast and again after lunch and complete their assigned tasks.  They love to work--kids really do.  They love to contribute to the family, to feel needed, to have a sense of accomplishment for a job well done.

I'm going to try really hard not to fall off the wagon again.  This house is running so much more smoothly with chorepacks in place!

Easton's Special Gift

Daddy gave Easton a pocketknife.

It belonged to Alan's grandfather (now deceased).  He collected several and wanted his grandsons and great grandsons each to have one.  Alan has been keeping Easton's tucked away until he decided he was responsible enough to take possession of it.

Easton realizes the significance of this moment (and Tyrell was taking it all in, anticipating his turn someday).  Alan passed the knife to Easton, explaining who it had belonged to and the proper care and use of a pocketknife.  He warned Easton that he likely would cut himself with it sometime, but to be careful.

Gifts are a primary love language of Easton's, not to mention the thrill of being welcomed to a more "grown up" season, and you can see the delight fairly bursting out of him.

I'm having fun validating this new season by asking Easton if he has a knife when one is needed (even when Daddy or Destry are right there with their own knives).  He proudly brings it to me to cut whatever is needed.  He is growing up so fast!

Boy Meets Girl

This is becoming something of a habit, but I asked Briana and Destry to write about how they benefited from our  family reading of Joshua Harris's sequel to I Kissed Dating Goodbye.  Instead of writing my own review, I decided to post Briana's thoughts.

I love Josh's style in Boy Meets Girl:  Say Hello to Courship because he is not making a list of rules--he is sharing what helped him in his courtship.  He shares principles and practical applications that can be used in all courtships because they are founded in God's word.

Here are some of my favorite points from Boy Meets Girl:

• There are two goals of a courtship:  1) to glorify God and 2) to answer the question "Should I marry this person?"  The first goal seems obvious yet it was a good reminder for me.  The goal of everything in my life needs to be to glorify God.  This reminder helped  me realize that courtship and marriage aren't about me, they are about bringing glory to God.  I like Josh's point with goal number 2 of courtship, because it directs the focus.  Courtship is not just for fun or to make me feel special--courtship is to help a person decide if someone would be a good spouse for them.  Sometimes the answer to this question is no and then a courtship ends and you part ways.  Josh explains that the goal of a courtship is to figure out if someone is right for you in a pure way so that even if the answer is no you can come away with joy instead of sorrow and regret.
• Another point Josh had that I appreciated was that I need to take this seriously.  Finding a spouse has to be done for the right motivation (glorify God) and needs to be done purposefully.  If I am in a courtship someday I want to follow this point and be sober-minded and purposeful because that is a major way to guard my heart and have a meaningful relationship.
• Accountability is a part of courtship that can be a huge blessing.  I cannot rely completely on myself to stick to my convictions in a relationship.  The prayer and counsel of wise, trustworthy people in my life can help me and the young man courting me to make good decisions and glorify God.
• Josh suggests three phases to courtship that were very helpful for me to think about:  1) Friendship.  This is the phase where the boy and girl get to know each other.  I'm glad Josh pointed out this phase because I like to make new friends.  This phase tends to be skipped in relationships, but it is important and can contribute to a beautiful courtship and hopefully marriage.  2)  Fellowship.  Once you get to know the person on the surface level you can begin to discuss deeper topics such as the Bible, your beliefs, dreams, goals, etc.  I like that Josh pointed out that fellowship is not interrogation--these subjects can come up naturally, we don't need to force it.  (I can get a little interrogative, so this is good for me to remember)  3)  Romance.  Romance does play a part in courtship, but you must be careful, make sure you are setting specific boundaries, and protect yourselves and each other.  I'm glad this point is in Josh's book because without it, I would feel guilty over any emotion and I would block attraction out.  It is a delicate balance, but attraction with self-control is a good thing.
• Communication is key.  I'm glad Josh says you don't have to be perfect at communicating (I'm not!), the important thing is to be purposeful, truthful, and humble.  Communication is what makes a courtship such a beautiful relationship--and we cannot be successful without it. 

I realize I've said a lot, but really this is only a preview of all that Josh says in Boy Meets Girl.  Overall, Josh's book helped me understand the purpose and logistics of courtship a lot better and gave me peace by helping me see that if I put God first and strive to glorify Him with my courtship (and all my relationships) He will guide me in His way.

Freezer Cooking 101

One of my friends recently asked me why our husbands and kids think they need to eat every single day.  I had to chuckle at the question, as it truly does seem like half my life is spent planning meals, finding new recipes,making grocery lists, shopping, cooking, cleaning up. . .

It makes my life considerably easier when I have meals prepared ahead in the freezer.  They are nice to heat up on a busy day, or to use when I missed a trip to the grocery store and the pantry is looking a little bare, or to share with someone who has suffered illness or had a baby.  I usually try to have at least two meals frozen for unexpected events, but it's even better when I've purposefully filled the freezer with several meals.  Recently some younger friends were asking me for tips about how to get together once a month and spend a day cooking.  I was pretty happy when they invited me to spend the day cooking with them--it was just the motivation I needed.

We decided to use the method in which we each take a turn choosing the meals and doing all the grocery shopping for one month.  Jenna got this job for the first month which means for the next three months, all she has to do is show up to mix together two of the recipes.

We chose to make eight different meals (which allows us to eat two freezer meals per week) and multiply that times the four families so we made 32 meals in about 3-4 hours.  Here are the eight meals Jenna chose for this month.  She also suggested we rate them as we eat them so we can decide if we want to make them again in the future.  Her scale is 1 (never want this again) through 5 (I would eat it again tomorrow).  We haven't tried all of them yet, but I'll try to update this post with the ratings over the next couple of weeks.

• Lasagna in a pot  My family wanted to give this a 6, but we'll settle for a 5.  Jenna didn't like the texture, so rated it a 3.  The others haven't tried it yet.
• Ravioli 4
• Teriyaki Chicken  3.5 (My family rated it a 3, but we also just aren't fans of teriyaki in general)
• Crock Pot Fajitas3 (we prefer them fried, lol)
• Million Dollar Casserole  5
• Easy Cheeseburger Casserole 3.5 
• Sloppy Joes   3 (a little sweet for us)
• Chicken Tacos 4.5 

We had fun chatting and chopping and I'm looking forward to another day spent cooking with them.  It's Jamie's turn to choose the menu and do the shopping next month!

Life Skills

Destry has been gaining more life skills this fall in addition to his academic studies.  In addition to the large 2-car garage, our property had an old single garage which the previous owner said he would likely just tear down if he were keeping it.

We found the extra space convenient, however.  It's nice to be able to park the car in a garage (especially when there is snow and ice in the winter) and we have a plethora of bikes, scooters, and other outdoor toys that needed a home.

So we decided to fix up the garage as a learning project for Destry.  He had to start by completely stripping the roof, both of shingles and the sheathing because there were holes completely through the roof.

Then he and Alan put on new sheathing to give the roof a solid base.

The little ones really wanted to help.

They at least thought they were helping, whether they were or not.

Destry completed most of the work himself.  Alan showed him how to do each new part and helped him finish the cap before rain was expected, but Destry really gets the credit for this nice new roof.  It looks so much better and will last a good long while yet.  Best of all, Destry gained new skills and experience he will take with him whatever he does in life.

 A coat of paint, some new window panes, and we have a nice little garage and a job well done.

Mother and Daughter Retreats, Part Two

In more fun times retreating with my daughter from the daily cares of living, Briana and I met with several young ladies for a weekend of bonding and encouragement last Fall.  One of the things I liked about this gathering was the age span of the young ladies.  Most of them ranged between the ages of 15 and 25.  It was a great opportunity for them to establish some relationships across the seasons of high school, college, the workforce, and young married ladies.

There were some great times of Bible study, encouragement and discussion as well as times of games and outright silliness and giggling.

Yes, and throwing of paper balls.  Briana had a great time with new friends and friends of several years.

But I was also blessed to get to hang out with my cousin and friend, Teresa, since she hosted and her daughter was also there.  Teresa and I grew up going to church together and have experienced more than our fair share of giggles over the years.  It was also fun to get to better know our younger counterparts Alena and Ashley, standing behind us, who identified themselves with us.

 Perhaps we should try to grow up and be better examples!  :)

Feed the Hungry

My children have no idea what it means to go hungry.

No idea at all.  We have two freezers full of 50 chickens and a beef and we have an appointment made for two of our little piggies to be butchered to add to those freezers.  We have a huge bowl filled with apples, clementines, kiwi, and bananas sitting on the counter beside a yet-to-be-cut up pineapple and a small bowl of blueberries.  We have a pantry filled with nutritious ingredients for meals as well as snacks like peanut butter and crackers and granola bars and two refrigerators filled with more ingredients and snacks.

They don't personally experience hunger, but I want them to be aware that there are children around the world who do indeed.  There are children who get so hungry, they eat dirt just to "fill the hole" for a little while.

We recently had a wonderful opportunity for our family to learn about the needs of others and do a little something about it.  "Meals from the Heartland" provides nutritious meals for people all over the world.  Each meal is a mixture of soy, vitamins, dried vegetables and rice that can be shipped and stored until the recipients boil it in water.

Each assembly line was able to package four boxes of thirty six bagged meals (each meal containing four servings) in about 30 minutes for a mere $100.  We worked together with two other families to package these meals and had a good time while simultaneously serving others. 

When we first got there, we watched a short training video explaining what we were doing, but more poignant, why we were doing it.  I think the video showing starving children with sad, sad eyes had a pretty powerful impact on my children, especially Easton.  Easton has a tender heart and prays daily for Alex, a child in Indonesia we sponsor through Compassion International.  We've tried to explain what living conditions are like for others around the world and Alex is someone Easton can relate to as he is also a little boy soon turning seven.  He draws him pictures and sends them with the occasional small treat and I think this connection has made it a little more personal to him.  He asked me if some of the food we were packaging would go to help Alex and his family.  I have to admit the video made me blink tears away as well as I simply can't imagine being unable to feed my children and watching them suffer as a result.

After we recovered from the video, we were given a sample of the food to try.  I was pleasantly surprised that it tasted more than palatable. 

An assembly line was formed with each person having a station.  I was so impressed and pleased that children of all ages were encouraged to help (they just asked that each child under age 10 have an adult partner).  The first section was comprised of two people taking turns holding a bag under the funnel while one child measured and added each of the four ingredients.  Easton took his vitamin responsibility very seriously.

The next station was manned by the teenagers who carefully weighed the bag (adding more rice as needed) and then vacuum sealed each bag.

Kiana and her helper were responsible for affixing stickers to each bag explaining the contents and giving directions for preparation.  She also took her job quite seriously.

Tyrell and Alan worked together to pack the bags in the boxes and then seal them.  Of the food packaged that day, half was to be sent to people in third world countries, another fourth was distributed throughout the United States, and the final fourth was to be distributed right here in Iowa.

I'm very thankful we had this opportunity to serve together as a family, even as I find it hard to locate such family-oriented serving opportunities.  I think this is the best way for our children to learn selflessness and to develop a servant's heart--right alongside mom and dad.  What other ways do you know that families can serve together?

Mother and Daughter Retreats

I'm gasping with a mixture of shock and panic as Briana's 17th birthday quickly approaches.  Sometimes in the back of my mind I hear a rushing, repetitive refrain:  one more year, one more year.  One more year until she is 18; one more year of high school; one more year until she is able to vote and be considered an adult.

This last year, 2012, even with its busyness and many changes, was a good year for the two of us as we twice got to slip away for some mother/daughter time while being surrounded by friends and immersed in the Word.

We had the wonderful opportunity to go to a Bright Lights conference, a ministry of older girls discipling younger girls created by Sarah Mally, with some longtime friends from Missouri.  This mother and I began the homeschooling journey together with our firstborn daughters as they started kindergarten twelve years ago.

Our daughters have also become close friends over the years and attending the conference together was especially sweet as we had so recently moved away from this support system.

The conference was incredibly encouraging and focused a lot on developing RADIANT purity--purity comprised not of a list of rules, not mandated by parents, but from a desire to bring glory to God.  They brought their message through straight-talking Scripture, personal stories and examples, and entertaining skits.

My favorite part was Sarah Mally's chalk drawings.  As she taught how to be a young woman who trusts the Lord, she drew on a large board with chalks.  She's quite a gifted artist and filled in the entire sheet with all sorts of colors, but most of the time it just looked like a big blob.  It was impossible for me to figure out what she was making as she seemed to randomly grab this color, then that and randomly shade in the left side, then the right.

At one point it was still without identifiable form but the colors were so beautiful and then it looked like she was actually destroying the picture as she seemed to scribble over it with dark colors!  As she continued speaking about trusting God--with our futures, with our purity, with our dreams and struggles--a beautiful picture finally took shape. 

As a person whose stick people are barely recognizable as such, I was quite impressed with her artistic ability.  But I have to admit I was even more impressed at the subtle message she illustrated.  We, too, are beautiful works of art in progress in the hand of the most gifted Artist of all.  We can't see the end picture.  We don't understand why this color is being used in our lives right now, or why work is being done on the left side when the right side is clearly unfinished.  We might even have times of horror in our lives when we think we are starting to look pretty good and that beauty is seemingly ruined by harsh black strokes.

But just as Sarah had a plan and a vision for her final product, so does our Master have a vision and a purpose for us.  Not one brushstroke is wasted--each is purposeful to be used in creating the final masterpiece as He conforms us into His image.

A New Vision

I get such a kick out of myself sometimes and the way I can think I have some great idea, the perfect plan, and then the Lord moves me in a different direction and reminds me that His ways are so much higher than my ways.

There is a crisis pregnancy center (offering alternatives to abortion and parenting support and training) near us which has experienced some financial struggles in the last few years as a major employer (who matched employee charitable gifts!) moved out of the area.  We were blessed to be involved with a very active pregnancy crisis center in Missouri which was led by an inspiring director, and we were eager to get involved here. 

I talked with the director on the phone about various fundraising ideas, public relation-building events, and other needs such as washing donated clothing, cleaning the building on a volunteer basis, and hosting baby showers for mothers who chose to parent their babies.  I took in some baby blankets and other baby items we no longer needed and visited with her again.  We raised pledges and took part in the Walk for Life last Spring.  My husband also went to the facility and visited with the director and was asked if he would be willing to serve on the board, to which he agreed.

She never followed up with any of this.  No follow up call for me to clean or pick up baby clothing, no follow up call for Alan to come to a board meeting, no follow up call to help with fundraising (for which I had some great ideas, of course!).  Frankly, I was a little annoyed.  I had this all figured out, you know--how we could serve and promote life and prevent abortions.  But she wasn't being proactive and putting us to work.

Our first time meeting Easton May 2006

Well, I've been chuckling to myself the last several days about how the Lord works.  Here I was volunteering to wash donated baby clothing and such, but the Lord was planning to use me and the experiences He has provided for us in a different way.

A young woman who was not in a good situation came to the center and discovered she was pregnant.  The director told her about a couple families she knows who are interested in adopting and she picked one she would like to meet.  She would like an open adoption, and the prospective parents are unsure what they think of that idea, so the director gave them my name and number.  She knew the Lord had blessed us with three precious children through open adoption and thought we would be able to answer the prospective parents' questions and give them not only one picture, but three different pictures of what open adoption can look like.

Daddy meets Tyrell and holds him for the first time  July 2010

Well, we had a wonderful phone conversation and then met for supper the next night and I shared what the Lord has done in our adoptions.  I told her about the different ways our children's birthparents have adapted to their decision and the relationships we have developed with them.  I told her about our correspondence through the years and the opportunities we have had to meet with birthparents to build that relationship between parent and child and  provide reassurance that their child is healthy, happy and loved.

I was able to help prepare her for setting the "tone" of the relationship and compiled a list of questions/talking points for when they meet.  I suggested that they write a letter "introducing themselves" that they could give the expecting couple when they met, knowing that it would be a big meeting for them and they would be overwhelmed so having a summary of the prospective family to take home and review would be reassuring.  And of course I sent her home with a few books about open adoption to further prepare them.

I truly believe open adoption is a wonderful option when a woman is experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and doesn't feel able to parent her child.  I am grateful that my children have pictures of their birthparents so they can identify physical characteristics they have inherited.  I am grateful we have relationships with their first parents and can share stories about their parents and talents they share.  I am so glad these relationships will one day provide an opportunity for answers to questions my children might have about why their first parents made an adoption plan.  Should my children someday have a health situation for which they need a blood relative, they each have the ability to contact numerous blood relatives.

I understand why it is a scary prospect for these prospective parents, but we have found open adoption to be a rich blessing and it was such an amazing opportunity to answer their questions and share our experiences.  It is natural to be afraid of the unknown, but by sharing our story we were able to ease their fear and educate them so they can also be blessed by open adoption.

Kiana--9 months old

Isn't it funny how I had "my idea" of how I could serve the pregnancy center but God was preparing something completely different?!  I can just see this being a perfect niche the Lord has prepared me for, to mentor families (both adoptive and birth?) as they go through the adoption process. Not what I had in mind at all. . .but truly amazing! 

Preparing to Be a Help Meet

I have mixed feelings about Debi Pearl's book for single women, Preparing to Be a Help Meet. 

I really enjoyed her usual analysis of three types of men, The Command Man, The Visionary Man, and The Steady Man, as well as her additional commentary on three types of women.  I appreciated the way she advises young women to "have a life" of their own and not just sit around waiting for "Prince Charming" to come and whisk them away to happily ever after.  And I liked the way she recommended using the single years to focus on growing in the Lord and serving Him.  This was one of my favorite quotes:

"Run fast and hard after Jesus and look to the left or the right 

and marry the person who is at your side" (144).

Even though I liked some aspects of the book, I will not be handing it to Briana to read any time soon.  For one thing, it seems to me it is for young ladies a little past her season in life.  She is not ready to be married at this point, so while she is preparing in some senses to one day be a "suitable helper", she is preparing in different ways than this book focuses on.  I think if a young lady reads lots of books like this too soon, it can create a sense of discontentment for the season of the single years that might lead to jumping into a relationship prematurely.

The main thing I didn't like about this book was some of the stories she told, especially those supporting her apparent philosophy that the Lord has a certain person who is "the right one" for each of us to marry.  While I agree that the Lord knows who each of us will marry, I just can't find scriptural evidence that He has a specific person prepared for each individual and I certainly can't find evidence that He speaks to us and let's us know who is the "right one" He wants us to marry. 

I once heard a speaker say something to the effect that if we are married, then that is the person the Lord wants us to be married to; if we aren't married, then He gives us guidelines (such as being equally yoked) regarding the type of person we should marry.  I might be making too big of a deal of this, but I think we need to be careful not to buy into the idea that there is a "specific someone" we are supposed to find--our ideal soul mate. 

I can think of several people (four right this second off the top of my head) who think they finally found "the right one" in successive marriages after a divorce or two so now they are within the Lord's will by finally being married to the person the Lord intended for them.  If I thought I just wasn't walking with the Lord as closely as I should have been at the time I married Alan (which would be true) and that we don't really have a great deal in common (which could be true if we didn't work at developing interests to share) or that he isn't as spiritual as some other man (which I'm sure there is someone out there more "spiritual" than he is) and if I subscribed to this theory that God had a "perfect man for me out there somewhere" (which I don't), then I might just decide to ditch him and go in search of "the right one" (or he might do the same to me).  Do I need to list all the verses where God says that He hates divorce and that what He has joined together, we have no business tearing apart and not to forsake the wife of your youth or most amazing of all, that marriage is a picture of Christ's love for the church?  I just think we have to be very, very careful when this philosophy is presented as truth and follow it through to its logical (and unbiblical) conclusion.

I had a couple other issues with the book which I won't take time to go into right now, but would just recommend that a reader use discernment if you choose to read it and especially if you hand it to impressionable young ladies.  Much of the book is good, however, so I hate to "throw the baby out with the bathwater" which results in my "mixed feelings" assessment.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Guest Post

Briana, Destry, and I recently finished our reading and discussion of I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris.  Because I thought you might enjoy a peek into their thoughts after reading it (and not at ALL because I am way behind on writing book reviews of course), I asked them for permission to share the results of their assignment to "discuss I Kissed Dating Goodbye in two-three paragraphs by briefly summarizing it and sharing at least one or two points that most affected you".

To quickly insert my own thoughts, I thoroughly enjoyed reading and discussing the ideas with my teenagers.  It was relationship-building, it gave me a peek into their thought processes, and I was blessed to hear them discuss the seriousness of marriage as a covenantal relationship intended to portray the relationship between Christ and His church.  They each proclaimed themselves not yet ready for marriage and realized areas in their lives where they need to allow God to grow them.  It was a wonderful experience, and I am grateful the Lord led us to read it together at what seems to have been the perfect time.

DESTRY'S THOUGHTS:

I Kissed Dating Goodbye, written by Joshua Harris, is a book that promotes whole-hearted focus on God. It causes us to ask ourselves what the effects of dating are, and if there’s a better way to find a spouse. It shows us how dating can be a road that leads toward premature intimacy and sin. It almost always ends in disappointment and emotional pain. But Joshua doesn’t just stop there; he helps us find better things to dedicate our single years to. He reminds us that our teen years are meant for waiting and preparation for marriage, not to be wasted in romantic gallivanting. Joshua states that his purpose for this book is for us to walk away from it with a more discerning spirit, and that we will be brought closer to God's desire for our lives. That is exactly what it did for me.

 Being 15, I have never actually dated someone. But that’s not the point. It’s not the dating that is the problem; it’s the focus and mindset behind it that is the problem. And that is what I need to work on. It’s important for us to keep a sober mindset and ask ourselves what matters at 50. Is this person’s good looks or character going to make the difference when they’re 50? The first question to ask when evaluating character is: how does this person relate to God? Are they Christians, do they have a growing and personal relationship with God, are they focused on impressing others or God? Secondly, how does this person relate to others? Namely, authorities, parents, the opposite gender, and their companions. Thirdly, how do they discipline their personal life? How do they use their time, handle money, and take care of their body (dress, eating habits, exercise, etc.)

The reason these questions helped me most, is because it keeps the focus on the important things. Not on the outward appearance that man cares about, but on the inward self, which God cares about. More importantly for me, I need to apply these questions to myself, not just criticize potential spouses. How good of a husband can I make? The neat thing about these questions is they apply through all of life, not just when you’re single. Whether you’re 15 or 70, married or single, you can still use these questions to better yourself.

I KissedDating Goodbye is a book that encourages us to leave behind the primitive dating mindset, and move on to higher standards. The things I have mentioned here are just a few of the many excellent points and ideas contained in this book. I encourage everyone to read it, because I can assure you that it will increase your love for God. 

BRIANA'S THOUGHTS:

In I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris’ goal is to reveal to his readers that waiting is much better than dating. He explains that dating has highly defective habits that destroy purity and relationships. Dating encourages individuals to be self seeking and to neglect their responsibilities and convictions in the name of romance.  Dating gives you intimacy without commitment that leads to sin and heartbreak. Josh’s hope is to help us kiss dating goodbye, and move on to godly obedience and sobriety about relationships. He uses his book to offer various ways to change our mindset from what the world wants to what God wants for romance. “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” asks a question: Do you want the best marriage God can give you? If your answer is yes, Josh’s encouragement is to kiss dating goodbye and submit to following God, so you can have a beautiful love story.

One of the big things I gained from “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” was the realization that I’m not ready to get married. In the past when I have thought about marriage, I have thought only about how marriage would fulfill my desires. I need to wake up to what marriage really is. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that represents Christ’s relationship with the church. In order to have a marriage glorifying to God, I need to have maturity, responsibility and selflessness that I do not have right now. I need to grow in faith and the fruit of the Spirit before I’m ready to take on the commitment and responsibility of marriage. This realization has gotten my head out of the clouds and given me real goals to work toward. I want to change my view of marriage from a one-time romantic event that will fulfill me to something more realistic and beautiful:  two people committed to serving God and each other as long as they live. This book encouraged me to work now on developing Christian character, so that when it’s time for me to get married, I will be ready.

             

Since I’m not ready to get married yet, I need to stop looking at boys as potential mates and start considering them to be my brothers and friends whom I can encourage. As a girl, I can either be a distraction or an encouragement to boys. Dating, flirting, and considering a guy’s potential are ways that I can be tempted to distract boys from God, and get them to look at me. As a Christian, this is not the kind of girl I want to be. I don’t want to distract and defraud my brothers. “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” helped me realize that I have a responsibility to God, myself, and those around me to conduct myself in a godly way. Instead of seeking romance, I need to pursue godly, purposeful friendships with boys, in which we can learn to serve and encourage one another, with heaven as our goal. “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” has given me the desire to be the kind of girl that boys don’t have to worry about. Everywhere Christian guys look, they see girls who are speaking, dressing and acting in such a way as to steal their attention from God. I want boys to be able to relax around me because I refuse to distract them from the Savior. I want boys to feel safe in being my friends, because I am following the Lord too, and I want to do what’s right. My desire is to stop trying to get boys to look at me and instead get them to look at God.

Passion and Purity, Part One

I was boy crazy as a preteen and early teen--absolutely boy crazy.  Frankly, it was debilitating.  I had a constant awareness of any boy around me and wondered if they noticed me, if they liked me, if they thought I was cute. I giggled constantly and talked incessantly, trying to get their attention.  I wonder how much stronger my relationship with the Lord would have been, how much better my relationships with my parents and family would have been, how much better focused my marriage would have been sooner, if I had come across such a resource twenty five years ago.

I recently finished reading Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control by Elizabeth Elliot with Briana
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I can't recommend it highly enough.

If you have a teenager, if you are a teenager, if you are not married. . .what am I saying?  If you desire to surrender every area of your life to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, you need to read this book.

In Passion and Purity, Elisabeth Elliot shares the struggles and victories she and Jim encountered in their commitment to give their lives to the Lord before giving them to one another.  As he served on the mission field and she attended college, they wrestled in their individual relationships with the Lord always striving to put Him first and not get caught up in their emotions or desires.  This is not just a book about physical and emotional purity (although it certainly addresses that principle).  It is a book about growing in sincere devotion to the Lord first and above all.

This book prompted many heart-searching conversations between me and my sixteen-year-old daughter.  She was especially blessed and challenged by Elisabeth's choices and guidance, and she has agreed to write a guest post for me highlighting thoughts that most affected her.

But the book was good for me too, even as I approach my twentieth wedding anniversary, especially the sections dealing with loneliness and putting God first, no matter what.  I was also strongly affected by a chapter on being willing to let go.

Loneliness.  The first few months after we moved to Iowa from Missouri, I really struggled with loneliness and "few things have the power to make us feel as sorry for ourselves as has loneliness" (116).  I missed friendships and despaired of ever finding new friends here.  Starting over is so tedious--it's much easier to talk to someone who already knows you, who knows your history, who knows your struggles and temptations and where you're coming from.  I'm not a fan of opening myself up to a new friendship and having to fill in all those blanks.  In some respects, I felt like this stage of my life was "in-between".  We were renting, looking for a place to buy.  It was "after Missouri and its friendships" and "before establishing relationships in Iowa."

But Elisabeth reminded me "it is quite possible to waste the present altogether.  Don't waste it.  Wherever you are, be all there" (78).  When anticipating some better future, Jim wrote "let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.  No matter who or where you are, there is something you can do, somebody who needs you.  Do something for somebody else" (80).  "Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope" (82).  I was challenged throughout the book to love the Lord above all else, to take my heart and my thoughts to Him and to trust Him with the future while using the present to serve Him by loving and reaching out to others in His name without seeking to be filled by human relationships.

Letting Go.  What have you had to let go of?  What can you look back over your life and see that ultimately led to your growth in the Lord, even as it required sacrifice?  It required a loss.  A failed adoption?  A church family?  An ideal little farm?

There is no ongoing spiritual life without this process of letting go.  At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops.  If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul.  It is easy to make a mistake here.  'If God gave it to me,' we say, 'it's mine.  I can do what I want with it.'  No.  The truth is that it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of--if we want to find our true selves, if we want real Life, if our hearts are set on glory.

Think of the self that God has given as an acorn.  It is a marvelous little thing, a perfect shape, perfectly designed for its purpose, perfectly functional.  Think of the grand glory of an oak tree.  God's intention when He made the acorn was the oak tree.  His intention for us is ". . .the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ."  Many deaths must go into our reaching that measure, many letting-goes.  When you look at the oak tree, you don't feel that the 'loss' of the acorn is a very great loss.  The more you perceive God's purpose in your life, the less terrible will the losses seem. (164)

 Isn't that a perfectly beautiful illustration of letting go in order to grow and be conformed into the image of Christ?  In our humanity, we cling to the acorn, afraid of an unknown future, unwilling to die, to be cracked, to produce life.  But what greater glory the immense oak tree brings the Father.  May I never be content to remain an acorn but rather yield my branches ever higher in the purposes of the Lord.

Children in Church

I could write about this book and its topic every day for the next week, but I'll try to spare you that.  Without going on about it too much, I have been noticing with increasing concern a tendency toward the devaluing of children in the prevailing culture.  For example, at Destry's violin recital and symphony performance, I felt people glaring at me that I should dare bring my younger children.  My mom noticed it too.  I tend to surround myself with people who love children and consider them a blessing, so I was unprepared for this attitude.

Sadly, I'm afraid this attitude is infiltrating the christian church at large.  Quite frankly, (and attempting not to be offensive at all) I was shocked some time ago to visit a church where children were strongly discouraged from being in the auditorium for the service.  If parents insisted on keeping their children with them, they were relegated to an assigned area.

 Stained glass window in a church building at a wedding we attended recently.

In my numb shock, all I could think was "What does Jesus think of this?  Didn't He say 'Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God'?  I can think of multiple Old Testament passages that specifically list children as being included in the presence of the reading of God's Word.  Why wouldn't we want children with their parents as they approach the Lord in worship and study of the Word?

Two possibilities come to my mind: 

1. The general tendency we have in our society to want entertainment.  If we see the gathering of the church body as a time to be entertained with great worship music and a dynamic message, we might not want to be distracted by the responsibilities of parenthood.  If, however, we see the gathering of the body as a time to worship, to remember the Lord's sacrifice, to build one another up, and glorify  God, we might be more likely to bring our children alongside us so they can witness our worship and learn to worship Him as well.
2. Our sad neglect of child training.  If we haven't trained our children to obey or to know when it's appropriate to sit quietly, our children will be a disruption to the body at large and they will need to be shuffled off out of the way.

When I saw Children in Church:  Nurturing Hearts of Worship by Curt and Sandra Lovelace, I couldn't wait to read it.  I was most struck by their "sense of loss at the mass exodus of the next generation immediately before the opening of the Word of God" (118) and can't help but notice how it coincides with the mass exodus of young adults from the church.  This likely correlation makes me sit up and take notice.

The Lovelaces gently explore Scriptures showing the Lord's heart for children and helping the reader understand that children both benefit from gathering with the congregation and contribute to the service.  My personal experience resonates with their statements as my children frequently whisper "we know that story/verse" when they hear the teaching and many encouraging older members have reassured me that baby sounds give them joy and hope for the future. 

I think the Lovelaces do a good job of not only addressing the principles of children in church, but also the practicalities.  They share tips (from experience) for packing activity bags, illustrating sermons, and training children to worship alongside the adults.  They address the "Philippians 2 principle" simultaneously reminding parents to train their children at home so they won't hinder the worship of fellow believers and encouraging others to be encouraging and helpful to the struggling parent rather than condemning.  They give examples of bringing an activity to share with a parent and even examples of inviting children to sit with an older, more experienced parent to support a younger parent.  This sounds like true "one another" christianity.

My slight criticism of this already short and easy-to-read book is that it might have belabored its points a little more than it needed to, but I also realize I was already convinced before I started reading so another reader might not share this criticism.  I was most blessed by the reminder to teach/lead my children to worship, not just keep them quiet so they won't disturb worshipers around us.  I have been guilty of having the wrong focus this last year and I am so thankful for their speaking the truth in love which I needed to hear.  They also ended the book with a very nicely done summary of points addressed to "church leaders".

Children in Church:  Nurturing Hearts of Worship by Curt and Sandra Lovelace encouraged me to keep on keeping on and refuse to grow weary in well-doing.  I appreciated the abundance of Scriptures cited in support of children worshiping with their parents and am motivated to bring my children alongside me in adoration of our Savior.  The Lovelaces speak with a voice of experience and authenticity liberally sprinkled with both grace and conviction as they share encouragement and practical hints for those of us still in the trenches with our children beside us in the pews.

I received a copy of this book in return for my honest review. 

Godly Young Man

I love watching the Lord provide.  I've been praying for the Lord's help in my relationship with my 14-year-old son.  In many ways, it's easier being the mother of a teen daughter than son because our common interests make it easier to relate to my daughter. We also spend a lot of time working together, and we have read many books together about being a godly young woman. 

I find reading books with my children to be a relationship-building experience as it opens the door to communicate about those difficult-to-broach topics, but I have a hard time finding appropriate books for these discussions with my son.  So I was specifically praying to find a book that I could read and discuss with my son that would promote growth both in our relationship and in his relationship with the Lord.

Shortly after this request, I received a package in the mail.  Crossway books sent me the book Disciplines of a Godly Young Man written by R. Kent Hughes and Carey Hughes for me to review.  I knew immediately I would like it--it was, after all, an answer to prayer.

Now that I've read it through (and have read and discussed the first four chapters so far with my son) I can share specifically what I like about it.

• The format:  The book is written in short chapters which makes it less intimidating to read.  Each chapter addresses a different discipline and is packed full of relevant points and illustrations.
• The tone:  The authors are a father/son duo and this tone works very nicely.  They don't talk down to the reader, nor are they overly buddy-buddy with the reader.  They communicate with both a fatherly tone of spiritual maturity and a more youthful, in-the-trenches commiseration.  They are honest and relevant, both with the content and the tone.
• Scriptural support:  They dissect several Scriptures which make for an interesting and insightful study.  They don't just use a verse here and there to support a point they want to make; rather, they focus on passages of Scripture and pull several points out of the Scripture.  One example is in the discipline of perseverance in which they overview Hebrews 11 and then, from chapter 12 verses 1-2, expound on the themes 1) Strip down, 2) Run, 3) Focus and 4) Consider.
• Needful:  Our young men need books like this.  It is well-rounded in the topics it covers and includes something for everyone.  The authors are not afraid to set the standard high--right up there with God's standard.  Being a godly young man is not something that just happens.  We parents must be intentional in teaching them what godliness is, and this book is a wonderful tool toward that end.  Our young men must also be intentional in striving toward godliness.  This book fills a void in the genre as I have been looking for sometime for a book of this quality.  (I am open to other recommendations if you know of any, by the way.)

My son is diligent in reading the Bible daily, but sometimes it's an intellectual exercise without the application.  Adding a reading of Disciplines of a Godly Young Man will, I hope, encourage him to think more deeply about the Word and to examine himself in light of what God's Word says.  So far he is really getting a lot out of it and we have enjoyed meaningful discussions of the questions at the end of each chapter.

If you have a teen-aged young man in your life, I highly recommend this book.  (There was only one very minor point I disagreed with, namely that of a young man's "work, be it ever so humble, is a divine calling" (114).  I crossed out calling and wrote in commandment as I don't see scriptural support for specific jobs being a "calling", but rather God has commanded man to work from as early as the keeping of the Garden.)  I love the authors' theme:

Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every other way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.  The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance.  I Timothy 4:7-9