(Note: I read this on my Kindle and copied the clippings to my computer. My clippings (or highlights) made up 27 pages, but I will try not to bore you with all these quotes. I want to warn you that I have not cited the page numbers of the quotes because. . .I don't have them, I only have this crazy electronic "location" I don't understand and that won't make sense to you unless you also read this book on a Kindle. I guess you will just have to read the book yourself to find the quotes I cite. smile)
I love the way Rosemond starts by addressing philosophies of parenting and traces the history of our culture's abysmal child rearing experiment in the last couple generations. He explains where we got off track and how to turn things around.
I tend to like to know the "why" of doing something. Oh, don't get me wrong, sometimes I like parenting books with an "if/then" approach. "If your child doesn't make his bed, he loses the privilege of a blanket that night; if your child doesn't pick up her toys, pack them up and give them to the needy." But overall, I like to understand the philosophies of education, of parenting, of thinking rather than simply being told what to do or think. It seems to me we are better prepared to face a new stage of parenting, a new level of education, if we understand why we are doing what we're doing.
That's why I think this is one of the best parenting books I've read. Rosemond begins the book by explaining that during the 60s a secular progressivism took over our country insisting that everything traditional was bad and everything new was good.
"The television industry began to identify psychologists and other mental health professionals as the only legitimate purveyors of sound child-rearing advice. Its movers and shakers became determined to use the influence of television to reshape America consistent with the vision of the emerging neoliberal, secular elite. And they succeeded. By 1970, the consensus that had previously existed concerning values, right versus wrong, and morality had begun to unravel.""By 1970, a cynicism and general disrespect had developed toward all forms of traditional authority, of which there are five: political, military, institutional, church, and family. In the late sixties and early seventies, the secular, educational, and media elites began to demonize political authority, the military, institutional authority (especially within corporations), religion (especially Christianity), and the two cornerstones of the traditional family: the traditional marriage and traditional child rearing."
"The new way would be most satisfying to Karl Marx, who said that in order for socialism to succeed, the traditional family had to go."
No wonder we're such a mess. No wonder we see so many children who are "ill-behaved, disrespectful, destructive and self-destructive, irresponsible, inattentive, careless, aggressive, self-centered, deceitful, and so on." No wonder parents are filled with "chronic frustration, stress, anxiety, anger, resentment, conflict and guilt."
Previous to this "Postmodern Psychological Parenting" movement, parents sought the advice of their parents and the Word of God.
Rosemond goes on to address the popular theory of self-esteem which I've already rambled about in the past. His comparison of psychology's perspective (secular humanism) contrasted with the biblical attitude practiced by our ancestors is worth pondering."After the 1960s, parents were no longer going to Grandma for child-rearing advice. Instead, they were seeking counsel from people in the mental health professions—people who dispensed advice based not on lives they had led, but rather on books they had read."
"Psychology’s central doctrine is one of nonresponsibility—fundamentally, the individual is the product of his upbringing; therefore, his vices are Reflections of psychic conflicts engendered by his parents’ inadequacies (i.e., the individual, fundamentally good, is messed up by his parents, who were messed up by their parents, and so on)."
"Christianity holds that we are solely and fully responsible for our sinful behavior and that only by accepting that responsibility can we receive forgiveness."
"In the late 1960s, psychological propagandists began portraying high self-esteem as the holy grail of right and proper parenting. . .“Self” refers to one’s person. To “esteem” means to admire, worship, venerate, revere, and adore. To have high self-esteem, therefore, means to admire one’s own person—to think highly of one’s self. Grandma didn’t believe people should think highly of themselves. In fact, she did not have a lot of regard for people who did. She thought, and rightly so, that high self-regard was a problem, not a solution to a problem. Grandma valued humility and modesty and did her best to pass those virtues along to her children.""In Grandma’s view, what we today call high self-esteem was something to be frowned upon, discouraged. That’s a biblical point of view. Scripture does not validate high self-esteem. In the Old Testament, every single person with high self-esteem takes a huge fall, self-destructs, or is the eventual recipient of God’s wrath. . .There is simply no way to square Jesus’s teachings with the notion that high self-esteem is a good and wonderful thing that parents should pursue on behalf of their children. . .Jesus was challenging us to accept that self-love is the stumbling block to sufficient love of one’s fellow man. Rather than endorsing self-love, Jesus was saying that in order to love our neighbors as much as we should, we need to love ourselves less…much less."
"Baumeister discovered that hard-core criminals—people locked up in maximum-security prisons—score higher on self-esteem assessments than any other group. . .Common sense says that the higher one’s self-esteem, the lower will be one’s regard for the rights of others, including, in extreme instances, their very right to life."
"Here is a summary, according to the best social science research, of the characteristics that typify people who possess an abundance of self-esteem: An overriding sense of entitlement (“What I want, I deserve to have”) Low self-control, especially when frustrated Apt to explode toward others when they don’t get their way A criminal/sociopath mind-set, distinguished by the belief that the ends justify the means."
"In the final analysis, it’s not the person with high self-confidence who is most likely to succeed in life; it’s the person who possesses a realistic appraisal of his or her strengths and weaknesses. . .(Grandma knew) respect for others, not high self-esteem, defines the emotionally healthy, prosocial individual. She also knew that in the course of treating others with respect, a person slowly develops a sense of personal dignity, or self-respect—the sense that he or she is making a positive contribution."
As Rosemond concluded the first section of the book which was a summary of how we have gotten to where we are today, he summarized the results of psychology's attempt at raising children and previewed proper parenting principles, beginning with "the three R's".
"Enough time has passed to determine whether this grand social experiment is working or not. Is it? One single fact answers the question: Since 1965, when Postmodern Psychological Parenting began gaining a toehold in our culture, every single indicator of positive well-being in America’s children has been in a state of precipitous decline. Today’s children are nowhere near as happy as kids were just two generations ago."
"Respect for the fundamental dignity of every human being, which children develop by first learning respect for people in positions of legitimate authority, beginning with their parents. Responsibility in two equally important senses of the term: first, accountability for one’s own actions; second, a willingness to carry out tasks assigned by authority figures (as well as those that are simply due the family/community by virtue of one’s membership within it). Resourcefulness— a hang in there, tough it out, try-and-try-again attitude brought to the challenges of life."
"From this threefold core emanates all of the more specific attributes of good character. Honesty, for example, derives from personal responsibility and respect for others. Charity comes about when people recognize their responsibilities to the larger community, and especially to those less fortunate. Charity acknowledges the dignity of every human being, regardless of his or her station or circumstances. And so on. Frugality, compassion, industry, self-restraint—they all have their genesis in the three Rs."
I'm only on the third page of my 27 pages of highlights, so I'm going to begin concluding this review with another appeal to just read the book. Stop listening to advice that is not rooted in the wisdom of God, stop worrying about your child's so-called "fragile" self-esteem, stop thinking the so-called "experts" know more about your child than his or her Creator.
"Ironically, the more confused today’s parents become, the more they turn to the Tower of Parent-Babble for answers, not realizing that it is the very source of their confusion. And the more confused they become."The second half of Rosemond's book is more practical and helps a parent understand how to apply biblical principles to disciple children, to enjoy your children, to "raise self-disciplined children who have what it takes to become permanent citizens of the Kingdom".
"Whether a child brings a parent peace or turmoil is up to the parent. It’s not a matter of being “lucky,” of some roll of cosmic dice that produces, quite by accident, a “good child.” That’s exactly what some parents believe, but properly behaved children are no accident. They are the product of parental purpose."I need to read this book over and over as I travel along this parenting journey. I invite you along for the ride!
