I Had a Dream

 I had a dream. I had a plan.

Not a full-scale plan that was underway. But I was beginning to plan. I was dreaming about "what life will look like when all the kids are raised." Maybe not even ALL of them raised, but when only two would be left at home and they would be teenagers building busy lives of their own. The dream involved a potential for post graduate education, some travel, serving actively as a team with my husband, and even moving to a fun little town designed for walking and electric biking with lots of music, educational, and cultural opportunities near friends. Helping others, using giftings while serving with my husband, having fun.

But then the call came. I didn't expect it, so felt kind of blindsided. It's not bad, necessarily. It's just not what I want.

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9.

I wanted to reject it entirely. I am a selfish and entitled person who has to learn lessons of obedience and laying down my life over and over again. But "the sheep hear his voice. . .and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice." John 10

MY plan appeals to my flesh. When I think of my plan, I feel words like "excitement, fun, fulfillment, rewarding, and validation." When I think of the calling I feel words like "impossible, sacrifice, and thankless work." 

And the Spirit within me nods in recognition at those latter words.

Flying True

In the spirit of recording "stones of remembrance", I am going to preserve this story so I can review it on days I'm tempted to become weary on this parenting journey or to doubt that anything I'm trying to teach is getting through.  The last several months have been rather challenging for me in this arrow-launching season, as I've alluded to, and this experience my daughter recounted for me as she grows in and lives out her faith just seemed an affirmation for this weary mama's heart.

Briana wanted to make a trip to her old employer, Jaarsma, for some donuts
when she came over to celebrate her birthday last night.

Briana, who turned 20 years old today, is "out on her own" now, renting an apartment, working as a clerk for a representative at the state capitol Monday through Thursday, and also as a CNA for a hospital Friday and Saturday.  She is thoroughly loving this season of life and enjoys both of her jobs very much.

All the kids were more than happy to oblige her request.

While working at the capitol a couple weeks ago, however, she had an interesting conversation with a lady whose desk is near hers--a 50-something, female, Democrat representative.  Briana got to know her last year and found her likable and servant-oriented even while observing that the two of them had drastically different worldviews and thus political ideologies.  I will insert here that while this woman seems to like Briana, she also doesn't seem to understand her or our family and our choices.  When we met her, I felt rather like an odd specimen under a microscope in her gaze.

Their conversation started with the representative's statement that she thinks prostitution should be legalized. As they discussed it, Briana noted that she feared legalizing prostitution would look as though they, the government, condoned the practice while the representative contended that women were willing participants, no one was hurt by their trade, and it was just filling up the jails.  Briana rebutted that many of these women have been trafficked initially, are victims of childhood abuse, and asked "what about the wives of the men who hire them?"

As their discussion continued, they agreed that the government can't legislate morality.  Briana summarized that those involved in government can be tempted to think they can use laws to try to make people do what is right, but "really the law can't do that, only Jesus can."

To which the representative added "or whatever religion you believe in."  She then proceeded to detail her thoughts on how all religions are basically the same, all are good, and as long as you believe in something, that's all that matters and that makes you a good person.  She gave the example of a fellow representative who is Muslim and does many good things in government that help people.  Briana listened to her, realizing that she was a religious pluralist (Briana's assessment, chuckle), and tried to figure out where this woman was coming from and how she had developed this belief.

Finally Briana asked a pointed (and in my opinion, brilliant) question:  "I'm confused.  You're saying it doesn't matter which religion you believe in.  Do you mean in this life, or after you die?"

"Oh, in this life," the representative immediately and confidently asserted.  "I have no idea what happens after we die."

Briana told me later that this is when she had her lightbulb understanding of this woman's worldview.  She continued listening patiently and kindly to the representative who continued explaining her thoughts that as long as people believe in a higher power of some kind it will prompt them to live a good life and serve others, which is all that matters.

When she was finished, Briana gently but firmly stated:  "I hear what you are saying, but I want to make sure you understand that I don't agree.  Jesus said in the Bible 'I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No man comes to the Father but by me' and that's what I believe."

They ended the discussion amicably, but a couple days later the representative approached Briana.

"I really enjoyed our conversation the other day," she said.  "You know what, you've inspired me to read the New Testament."

As Briana finished her story, she said "So, I'm praying for her, Mom.  You can pray for her too if you want.  I'm trusting that the word of God will not return void."

This girl and her bold but gentle faith!  I'm telling you, I would have been intimidated by this older, accomplished, feminist woman--especially at the tender age of almost-20.  I'm certain I would not have handled this conversation so well. I am both challenged and encouraged by this daughter of mine as her faith is being honed and growing.

My Epiphany

I was excited when a facebook friend posted about an opportunity to go through Beth Moore's revised "Breaking Free" study.  I had planned to lead a group of friends through a study of I Corinthians starting in January, but was feeling overwhelmed with life in general, let alone leading a study on top of it all.  So I asked the ladies if they wanted to go to this with me instead.  Only two of them expressed an interest, and all agreed that it wasn't a great time to do the study of Corinthians.

The day of the study, the two friends I thought would go with me decided not to go.  Kiana had a commitment with her tumbling group 30 minutes west of us and Easton had a commitment with his Lego League team in the same town as the study.  Alan and I chose to divide and conquer, he took Kiana and the two little ones while I planned to take Easton to Lego League from 4:30-6:30, then keep him with me for the study from 6:30-8:30.  I started feeling guilty, knowing Alan would be home about 7 and need to get supper and everything for the other three kids, so I thought about going home to help him instead of going to the study.  But no, I really did want to do this study.

So I went to the building only to find the parking lot completely full with cars lining both sides of the street.  "Ugh," I thought, "there are lots of people here. I don't know these people. . .no one is expecting me.  Easton is sitting here with only a string cheese, granola bar, and clementine for supper. Maybe I should just go home."  I finally decided just to go, I had already bought the study guide and I really WAS looking forward to digging into it.

I share all this to remind myself and to illustrate how I almost didn't even go.  I almost didn't even go to the study.

When the teaching started, I thought it was interesting that we turned right to Judges 6 with Gideon.  I had already read about him in my Bible reading that morning!  Interesting. . .

Beth expanded on the passage by explaining how the Israelites were being oppressed by the Midianites, bearing the yoke of slavery, and how we need to seek freedom as "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1).  She outlined what oppression looks like and I wrote down several quotes:

• Anytime you are preoccupied by destructive thoughts, you are in a stronghold.  
• Bondage is anything that hinders us from the fullness God calls us to be, anything undermining the abundant life God has for you.

Beth is a word person, so she camped on two words from the passage, saying the goal of the oppressor is to make us:

• Unproductive (vs. 3-4) which from the original Hebrew means ruin, corrupt, lose, spill, waste.  In the KJV terminology, the oppressors "destroyed the increase".  She asked us "When's the last time you told yourself you put all that work into it and it came to nothing?  When did you give in to failure so you wouldn't have to suffer defeat again?"
• Impoverished (vs. 6)--which from the original Hebrew means bring low, dry up, be emptied, not be equal, failure, be impoverished.  She summarized "If you've been feeling like a failure, you are in oppression."

Well, this had my attention, that's for sure!  I had indeed been preoccupied by destructive thoughts these last several weeks, and they were the words she was saying almost verbatim!

She continued through the study, making points like "God stands to get much glory from making mighty warriors out of the least likely" and admonishing us not to become cynical asking "Where are his wonderful deeds?" (vs. 13) when we don't see fruit right away.  She reminded us "whatever we may end up setting on the altar will be wholly received by God.  Don't be scared of what you have to give up--it is so you will be free to receive what He has to give you.  Don't be scared of what you'll give up, be scared of what you'll miss if you don't."

Tears ran down my cheeks all the way home from the study.  I had been praying and praying, asking if I should even continue homeschooling, if it was worth it, if I was even doing a good job.  I really didn't want to do it anymore because of the feelings and destructive thoughts filling my mind.  But Alan said he really thought we needed to continue, so I was continuing in obedience to him even as I still had my own doubts.  But I felt like this was God answering my prayers.  Homeschooling is not for everyone, I'm certainly not saying that.  But as I went through the study, I knew that it is for our family--still.

I also had my eyes opened that those thoughts, those lies and accusations that were haunting my thoughts, were from the devil. . .oppression  He works through accusations (Revelation 12:10) and lies (John 8:44) and he prowls around like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour (I Peter 5:8).  I had certainly been preoccupied by destructive thoughts, unproductive, and impoverished.

Since that study, I have had such peace and stillness instead of stress, torment, and worry.  I'll do my part in obedience and rest in Him as He alone gives the increase.  I'm looking forward to these next ten weeks in the Word and can't wait to see what He teaches me.

The Season I Almost Moved to Australia

It was a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY.

I almost moved to Australia.

Well, okay, not really.  But I almost convinced myself I was a big, fat failure and was just wasting my time homeschooling my children.

I texted my husband:  "I feel like a failure.  And I want a different job."

I got on "long-name-amazing-results" for my region and started looking for jobs.  Not. even. kidding.

I *almost* called our local school district to see what their scope and sequence is for kindergarten, second, and third grades to see how it compares to where we are.

I really did call our local christian school to see when their new semester starts and how much it would cost to send my middle three children.

I wasn't ENJOYING homeschooling anymore.  I used to really enjoy it.  Planning lessons was fun.  Seeing the light bulb when the children understood a new concept was fun.  Organizing track and field days, musicals, PE, softball, and cooperative classes with area homeschoolers was fun and invigorating.  Going to homeschool conferences with other homeschooling moms, making my MOTH schedule, reading books about educational philosophies was all just a ton of fun.

Now I'm tired.  I'm tired in general, and I'm tired of doing this.  I'm tired of teaching the same old things.  I'm tired of enforcing schedules and chore times and reminding children to "Focus. Sit still. Pay attention."

I wonder what it would be like to be "Just Mom."  To exclaim over the projects they do at school and listen to the excitement in their voices as they tell me about what they've learned.  That someone else taught them.

I've been haunted by feelings of failure.  Things don't always go just the way I want them to, or always imagined they would.  I'm not sure I'm doing a good job anymore.  Different kids learn differently.  I'm older and have a lot of kids in different and difficult seasons.  I feel like I've invested so much of myself and my time and all that work, and for what?  I don't feel like investing even more just for more failure and heartbreak.

I spent a few weeks in that place.  I cried a little every day, and cried some more every time I talked to my husband about these feelings.  He was patient.  He listened, he prayed with me and for me.

But he said he wanted us to continue homeschooling.  He asked how he could help share the load and he pitched in.  He sent me encouraging emails from work such as the following verse:

with a short note:

"Thinking of you and remembering how much I trust what you are doing for our family.  You keep us fed, clothed, healthy, and taught.  I have confidence in the teaching you are doing.  Thanks for pouring your heart into our children."

Then a friend posted on facebook about a ladies' Bible study that was about to begin.

To be continued. . .

Freudian Slip

As Destry was filling something out the other day, he asked me what our school name is.  It's not something we talk about a lot--we were just supposed to choose a name some time ago in order to "qualify" as a homeschool for ordering purposes, so we developed a name and then just carried on with life.

I was busy doing something else, so just threw out "Together to Learn to Love."

Now, if you'll notice on my profile off to the right I describe our name:

Our school 'name' is "Together to Love to Learn" because whatever we do, we are together. The goal is to love together, to learn together, and to love learning together.

It wasn't intended to be "Together to Learn to Love" at all.

But you know what?    Fourteen years into this homeschooling journey, I think maybe we have been together to learn to love.  Really loving people doesn't come to us humans naturally.  We're having to work things out, even on the bad days, the seasons we aren't getting enough sleep, through hormonal changes, and the days we just wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  We are in close proximity to one another and have to learn to love one another and get along even when we don't get breaks from one another.

We're learning to share our hearts and our lives--developing "into-me-see" intimacy.  We're learning how to be tender and kind and sensitive with one another.  We're learning when to be patient and step back, and we're learning when to confront with deep and genuine affection.

This selfish mama is learning it's not about me, my comfort, my pride, my ease, or my preferences.  More and more we're learning it's all about the Greatest Commands.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. . .You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  Matthew 22:37,39

Together to learn to love, indeed.

He Is Faithful; He Will Do It

I love the idea of recording lessons the Lord is teaching me as "stones of remembrance" to remind me how faithful He has been in the past and thus how faithful He surely will be in the future.

He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.  I Thessalonians 5:24
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.  Hebrews 10:23

I've experienced a series of events recently which led to my realization of how the Lord is working in my life these last couple years and I don't want to forget this lesson.

I had the opportunity to attend a Ladies' Day a couple weeks ago where the topic was about recognizing and using our gifts.  The day was quite practical in nature and the teachers asked us to examine our own gifts and also to help one another identify her gifts.  Most of my gifts, unsurprisingly, involved people. I came away challenged and inspired to exercise my gifts of encouraging people, mentoring younger women, teaching and studying the Bible with ladies, and creating or taking advantage of opportunities to rally a group of people to study, serve others, or work together.

Frankly, as the next couple days passed, I became more discouraged than inspired.  I felt like I wasn't using my gifts; I felt like in some ways wasn't even being allowed to use those gifts.

So I spent an afternoon studying and praying.  I read Romans 12 and the admonition in verse 6 that as we each have gifts given to us, "let us use them".  I personalized passages in my journal like the following:

Ephesians 2:10--I am created for good works which God prepared beforehand for me to walk in.
I Peter 4:10-11--As I have received a gift, I must use it to serve others.  My gifts are provided by God's supply and are for God's glory through Jesus.

As I continued studying and meditating, I realized the Lord has provided opportunities to use my gifts, even if I'm not using them in quite the same way or with the same people I've used them in the past. Some of the opportunities He has been providing for me include:

• I was invited to study the life of Mary, the mother of Jesus, and share what I learned with a group of ladies at a Ladies' Day in Kansas City back in October.
• It has been two years since two younger women asked me to teach them how to use freezer cooking in the managing of their homes.  In that time, more and more ladies have popped in and out of our freezer cooking days until I've had the privilege of developing friendships with at least seven younger women.  Our time together includes many life discussions such as budgeting, child rearing, marriage, faith walk, etc. and we have all been richly blessed by our time together.
• I've had opportunities to gather several women from my homeschooling community in Bible studies and book discussions as well as joint efforts in educating our children.
• As my husband served as president of the board for the local crisis pregnancy center, he enlisted my aid in organizing their first banquet fundraiser, rounding up people to host tables and invite others, taking care of advertising and promotion, and behind-the-scenes organization.

I wasn't out looking for any of these opportunities, and didn't really even think of them as "using my gifts".  But the Lord provided the right set of circumstances for my gifts to be used even when I was feeling stifled.  I realized the Lord is not limited by human weaknesses, but will use us in His way and in His timing.

Our Adoption Journeys, Part Two

So there we were, richly blessed with four children—two through birth, and two through adoption. On the one hand we were content with our family and on the other hand we were open to any other blessings the Lord would send our way.

With our adoption of Kiana, who is of mixed heritage, we had also entered the category of a transracial family. As we continued to learn more about adoption, we realized it would be good to have another child in our family who could mirror Kiana's darker skin and curly, ethnic hair. We had been so blessed by growing our family through adoption, and we felt we still had room in our hearts and home for another child, so we started praying about adopting again in 2009.

I had been reading a blog written by a woman who lived in Alabama (we lived in Missouri) for over a year and had prayed through their process of bringing home their infant son, Kai. One day she had a guest blogger who wrote about the preference many potential adoptive families have for a healthy child who “looks like them” (mostly Caucasian) and the need for families who are willing to adopt children of color, children who have been exposed to drugs, or have other special needs. The author worked with a network of adoption agencies to find families for all children. When I shared this post with my husband, he told me to email the author to learn more.

Imagine our surprise when the author lived in Kansas City and knew the social worker and agency who had facilitated our previous two adoptions! We decided to complete our home study, update our profile for potential birthmothers to get to know our family, and sign up with this worker. In January of 2010 we were matched with a woman who was due with a baby girl on March 17. We were very excited and had fun getting ready (we had never had time to really prepare after being matched in the other adoptions). We decorated a room for her, some friends had a shower for her, and I froze several meals in preparation for my mom to watch the other children while we traveled to Florida where she would be born.

Unfortunately, this story ended with what is called a “failed adoption” when she decided to have her mom parent the baby instead of us. This was a hard time for us as there were some unhealthy family cycles that had been repeated through the generations and we were concerned that this little girl would end up in foster care as her mother had before her since her grandmother had not changed her lifestyle, but we had to just trust in God and entrust her to Him.

As we healed from this experience, we were presented in other situations, but nothing came of them until July when we received a call from a woman on the 21^st who was due the 29^th. She had a series of challenging questions as she interviewed us to see if we would be the best family for her son. “How will your family accept a brown baby? How will you handle racist comments? How do you discipline your children? Why do you homeschool? Do you have a pond or pool? Are you CPR certified? What is your religion? Why do you want another child?” Her son was born on the 25^th and she still was undecided about making an adoption plan. Finally, on the 29^th, she called with one more question: “Do you promise to send pictures? I have to know how he's doing,” and then she asked us to be in Florida the next day at noon to pick him up.

We chose the first name Tyrell for this beautiful little boy and kept the name Damian from his birthmother as his middle name. While we rejoiced to add him to our family and believe “every good and perfect gift comes from above” (James 1:17), this adoption cemented for us that adoption invariably involves loss. Whether parents die or are in a situation that they can't physically or emotionally give their child all they want for them, adoption involves loss. Birthparents lose the years of day-to-day interaction with their child, and children lose their first parents. It is a time of rejoicing, yes, that a mother has chosen life for her child in this age where life is not valued. It is a time of rejoicing to have a child to love. But there is loss and mourning as a price to pay.

Nearly four years later, life had continued racing along. My husband changed jobs and we moved to Iowa (where we had both been raised) as the children grew older. I celebrated my 40^th birthday and figured our days of adopting were probably over, as I doubted anyone would choose us to parent a baby at this age. However, we received an email from a friend of a friend who wondered if we would be willing to adopt again. She knew of an agency who had 16 pregnant women wanting to make adoption plans, but the agency didn't have enough adoptive parents to present to them.

So just this year, we said yes again and were soon chosen to parent our beautiful daughter Aryana Joy (her mother's name is Abigail, which means Joy). We really didn't have the money and since we had moved so recently, we didn't have the relationship we had enjoyed with our former banker who we could call at the drop of a hat when an adoption situation arose. Nevertheless, we moved forward in prayer and faith, trusting that the Lord loved this baby girl and He would provide. This adoption journey was particularly faith-building (although all of them have been faith-building, this one has been especially so) as our extended church family joyfully rallied around us at the opportunity to bring this little girl into our family.

We count ourselves richly blessed to have grown our family both biologically and through adoption. Each member fits perfectly into our family and each has taught us something more about trusting God and loving one another.

Our Adoption Journeys, Part One

My friend Deb recommended that I write our adoption stories for a series a fellow blogger was hosting for November, National Adoption Month.  I really enjoyed looking back over the past ten years and remembering how the Lord has blessed us through adoption, and wanted to share it here as well.  I also just think it will be nice to have here on my blog to look back at in the future.  Take a walk down memory lane with me. . .

It has been about ten years now since our lives were changed by adoption. In that time we have gone from being a family of four to a family of eight. We have learned more about trusting God and we have learned that family is more than just who we are related to by blood. We have grown in number and we have grown in love. While it hasn't always been easy, it has always been a blessing.

We had two children biologically when we were in our early 20s—a boy and a girl. Young and selfish as we were, we made a permanent decision to have no more children. This all seemed fine until we started growing in our faith and thus in our perception of the value of children. For a couple years we were inundated with a longing for more children and with teachings on the blessing of children. As we got more involved in speaking out against abortion, we realized we couldn't encourage women to choose life for their unborn children without being willing to open our hearts and home to those children through adoption.

We started taking foster-to-adopt classes in the Spring of 2005, but decided against adopting through the state for several reasons which I won't go into here other than to say it just didn't seem the best option for our family. Instead, we chose to register with Christian Family Services of the Midwest in Overland Park, KS in August of 2005.

This was a busy season of prayer, preparation, and self-education as we read books and articles and began the mountain of home study paperwork (at which I am now a pro!). We also faced the daunting task of writing a letter to prospective birthmothers and preparing a book to introduce our family so those women considering an adoption plan for their babies could choose the family to love him or her. We have been blessed by this concept of open adoption and sincerely believe it to be good for all members of the adoption triad: the birthparents, the adoptee, and the adoptive parents.

After a few false starts and what felt like forever (but was really only nine months) we received the call. A mother of a three-week old baby boy would like to meet us, could we be in Kansas City (a 3 ½ hour drive) by 6 pm? Of course we said yes and were thrilled to meet her. Her hopes and dreams for Easton were that he would “learn to be responsible, have a good work ethic, and to be a man of integrity.”

We fell instantly in love with this precious, even-tempered little bundle of joy and were able to bring him home a mere three days later. We had held to the promise in Psalm 37:4-5, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this,” and we were blessed by his addition to our family.

Since we had two children who were significantly older, we hoped to be able to adopt at least once more so Easton would have a brother or sister closer in age to grow up with so we started praying about beginning the process again when he was about nine months old. We received our answer “yes” when an anonymous gift came in the mail wanting to help with adoption expenses (which we had already paid off) in the exact amount we needed to update our home study.

Our home study was completed in July of 2007 and we expected another nine-month (or more—the average is two years) wait, but the end of September we were asked to travel about six hours to meet an expectant woman who liked our profile and wanted to meet us. She got to meet us with our other three children on Saturday, then my husband and I joined her and her friend for supper that night. She told us she wanted us to be the family to raise her baby, and then we prepared to travel back home on Sunday afternoon. Instead, her tiny baby girl was born Sunday morning!

They kept Kiana Jayde (we chose her first name and adapted her birthmother's choice of “Jayden” for the middle name) in the hospital a couple extra days as they wanted her to weigh five pounds before dismissal. This was a difficult time for all of us involved. Her birthmother was spending every minute with her, storing up memories for the future and showering her with love. When it came time to sign the relinquishment papers, she just couldn't do it.

My husband and I went to our car and prayed and cried. While we had fallen in love with Kiana, we had also developed a relationship with her mother and we genuinely wanted what was best for everyone involved. After much debate and many tears, she decided completing her adoption plan was truly the best option for her precious little girl. We have been so blessed by Kiana, who is a tender-hearted, vivacious and dramatic little lady, and adopting her has also afforded us the opportunity to love her birthfamily who have become extended members of our family.

Exceedingly, Abundantly, Above All That We Ask or Think

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever.  Amen.  Ephesians 3:20-21

I love those verses.  As the Lord would have it, we were blessed to hear a brother teach on this passage when he was a guest speaker in our area last fall.  The way he broke it down really stuck with me.  God is able.  He is able to do all that we ask.  Not just all we ask, but all we think.  Not just all we ask or think, but ABOVE all that we ask or think.  Not just above all that we ask or think but abundantly. . .exceedingly.  Have you ever stopped to think about all those. . .hmmm, what are they?  Adverbs?  Superlatives?  (Where are the grammar police when we need them?)

We've had verses we held onto in each of our past adoptions.  This is the passage the Lord seems to have given us for this particular journey.  Doug's teaching on this passage seemed to be an answer to prayer as we were (rather fearfully at that time, I confess) considering answering a need for a little girl who was born blind and with a severe cleft palate and needed a family.  This verse reminded us that God is able.  That situation didn't end up coming to fruition, but this passage has continued to resonate in our minds.

As soon as the previously mentioned newsletter arrived in people's mailboxes, the Lord was moving hearts to send gifts.  I can think of no more appropriate verb--the checks and the notes simply poured in.

Getting the mail each day was so much fun!  In addition to the generous monetary gifts, people shared their hearts and encouragement in notes.  Some people were moved to share what a blessing adoption had been in their lives.  Others shared their losses of longed-for children, their support of life, and their belief that children are a blessing.  Still others told us they were moved to pray for Abigail, that she might come to realize the love of the Lord in this painful season.  One lady wanted to "pay it forward" from her experience in her childhood of a couple showing her the love of Christ in hopes that we would share Christ's love with this little girl as a member of our family.  Another lady told us how she had recently been in the parking lot of an "abortuary" (her word, I assume maybe a Planned Parenthood?), mourning the approximately 40 cars in the lot and praying for the Lord to show her something she could do to help save these babies.  When she received the newsletter in her mailbox, she knew it was an answer to that prayer.  Many of these notes brought tears to our eyes and all filled our hearts with praise and thanksgiving.

In just a week, our need had been met!  We were amazed at what the Lord had done.  While we received approval for that loan from the bank, we will not need to borrow a single cent.  The Lord is indeed able--exceedingly, abundantly, above all that we ask or think--and He is glorified in the church by Christ Jesus.

How fun it was to share with as many people as we could, as quickly as we could, that the need had been met.  As in the days of Moses, we asked the people to stop giving

So Moses gave a commandment, and they caused it to be proclaimed throughout the camp saying let neither man nor woman do any more work for the offering of the sanctuary.  And the people were restrained from bringing, for the material they had was sufficient for all the work to be done--indeed too much.  Exodus 36:6-7

Would you ever have dreamed that this would happen?  I never would have even asked or imagined he would do this!  Yet He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all--and He chose to bring glory to Himself in the church.  How very, very full my heart is as a result of His working.

Words of Affirmation

So, part one of how the Lord has been working these last couple weeks coming up right now.

Words of affirmation are not my primary love language.  They aren't even my second language (I would put them at number three).  Yet words of affirmation are still so meaningful to me.

You may recall that we sought advice from an older brother in the Lord for whom we have utmost respect a couple months ago.  We asked if we were being foolish for stepping out so far in faith to adopt this baby girl when we didn't have the funds readily available and he replied with a resounding "no."  He even said this child not only needed a home, but needed to be in our home.  On his advice, we went ahead and borrowed the initial difference for our first payment from a family member and continued the process of setting up a home equity loan with a bank to borrow the rest of the money we would be needing.  He also said, however, that he thought there might be christians who would want to help support our adoption if they knew of our need and we agreed that he could share it.

Now my husband was the one talking with him on the phone, and here is where we had a little communication blip.  I thought Brother Rick was going to just share with individuals who might come to him asking if he knew of any needs as they were blessed financially (such as maybe at tax return time).  My husband asked me to email him some information about our family, our past adoptions, the costs involved in adoption, our financial situation, etc., which I did.

I later realized they had talked about Rick writing an article about adoption for a newsletter that goes to several "sister" congregations and sharing our adoption story/ies.  I was so touched by the words of affirmation he shared in this article.  It was a very humbling experience to read "all my business" put out there (oh, the Lord is always working on me and my pride!), but I was blessed by the kind words he shared (as well as challenged/inspired to try to live up to them!).  You know this parenting job isn't exactly a source for validation or words of affirmation.  We don't get raises, bonuses, or job performance reports.  My family of origin also doesn't tend to be the "words of affirmation" sort.  Neither my dad nor Alan's dad are affirming types.  While I would never presume to put Rick in a father role for myself (he is a good friend's father after all!), he nonetheless is a man I respect very much and care for quite a lot, so his words of affirmation were especially meaningful and encouraging during this season.

Rick is a very eloquent man and well-respected throughout the brotherhood, and the Lord used this opportunity to move hearts to action.

A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy habitation.
God sets the solitary in families.  --Psalm 68:5-6 

Wow, did He ever move people to help give this baby girl a family!  (Part two to come. . .)

Too Full

Have you ever had your heart so full, so absolutely stuffed with the Lord's working that you can't even express it?

That's where I am this week.  I can hardly process it, let alone express it.  It's percolating.  Hopefully next week I will have some time to sit down and work through it with words.

What If?

Today I just keep asking myself "What if?"

What if we had said no?

What if we had declined the opportunity to raise Abigail's baby as our own because we didn't have the money sitting in our bank account or see where it would come from?

I asked myself this as my husband opened an envelope,anonymously slipped into his Bible at church services this morning, to find seven one-hundred-dollar bills.

We wondered if we should have said yes--we wondered if we were being reckless, irresponsible, foolish by saying yes.  If we had said no, we certainly would have missed out on the blessing of this baby.  Hopefully someone else would have stepped up and provided her with a home and a family.

But do you know what else we would have missed out on?  We would have missed out on watching the Lord provide.  Again and again--he provided a gift from previous church family, a bonus from Alan's place of employment, a gift from local friends, a gift from long-distance friends.  And now another gift.

Each piece of the puzzle grows me, makes me grateful to the Lord, inspires me to praise Him, provokes me to examine myself.

This time I'm asking myself "What if we had said no?"

And if we had said no, these people who have obeyed the Lord's prompting to give would also have been deprived of this opportunity to be a part of "caring for the orphans" by bringing this little girl home to a family who will love her.

Such a ripple effect. 
Say yes.

Humbled as the Lord Keeps Working

Last week brought two more events that made me feel the Lord's arms around me in love and security.

Let's start with the more recent one first.  We received a handmade card in the mail with a check in it from some dear friends.  This was a sacrificial gift, I just know it.  This is a younger couple with small children, a single income family as mom stays home each day to care for their children and their home while dad commits himself to providing the family's needs.  While I'm certain that $200 could have been used in some way for their family, they heeded the Spirit's prompting and chose to help provide a home for Abigail's baby.  We are so very humbled, yet so very grateful that the Lord has allowed us to partner together in this effort.

We are going to cash this check and put it in an envelope for our expenses while in Phoenix to meet and pick up this precious baby.  According to my research, $200 will perfectly cover the expense of living in an extended-stay hotel for a week.  (We plan to go this route because an extended-stay hotel is less expensive AND will provide a kitchenette which cuts down on meal expenses as I can make our food instead of eating out while staying in Phoenix waiting on the ICPC.)

The Lord provides our every need.

Bring all the tithes into the storehouse,
That there may be food in My house,
And try Me now in this, says the Lord of hosts
"If I will not open for you the windows of heaven
And pour out for you such blessing
That there will not be room enough to receive it.
Malachi 3:10

The other event of last week simply makes me grin because it's like pieces of a puzzle fitting together as if they were made to do so.  To back up a little bit, we had to send $11,000 to the agency within 72 hours of Abigail choosing us to parent her baby.  (If you've read my blog long, you'll know I don't usually share lots of specific details of adoption expenses, but this is one of those times the Lord provided the exact amount so the amount is relevant here.)  We didn't have this much money.  We drained our savings account of money we had been saving toward a family vacation and for a new violin for Destry and a different couch, but that only amounted to $5,000. We had an application for a home equity loan at the bank, but didn't have time to wait for approval.

So we swallowed our pride and asked a family member if we could borrow $6,000.  (Let me tell you, this is a lot easier to type than it was to do!  We were both raised that you don't ask for money, and you don't mix family and money because relationships are always more important and money complicates those relationships.  But this was about a child, and the child is more important than our pride.  So we borrowed the $6,000.)

I already told you our former church sent us a $1,000 gift when they heard the news.  And I already told you that Alan was promised a bonus for his work the last several months in serving as Operations Manager for two branches at his job.

But I didn't know the amount of that bonus.

Can you guess?  C'mon, how well do you know my God?  We were $6,000 short.  He had already provided $1,000.  Do the math, my friend.

Yep, FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!  Just what we need to pay back that loan!

The Lord is providing what we need, as we need it.  What a ride, watching Him at work!  To God be the glory.

The Thought I Try Not To Think

It sounds a little like a Dr. Seuss title, doesn't it?

Yet it's not a fun thought.  I'm trying to walk in faith, trusting the Lord.  And the truth is, I'm getting ridiculously excited for another baby to join our family.

Especially when I get fun little packages in the mail like this pile of burp cloths from a friend who has committed to praying us through this journey.  (giggle and tee hee)

But I have this little niggling of fear in the back of my head.  For those of you who have been around for awhile, you'll remember that our past adoptions have gone really fast.  So fast, in fact, that we haven't really been matched with expectant mothers until the baby was born, or right before the birth.  Easton was three weeks old.  We met Kiana's birthmom the day before Kiana was born.  And we had been in conversation with Tyrell's birthmom the last week or so of her pregnancy, but she didn't choose us to parent him until he was four days old.

Then there was Cleara who chose us to parent her baby a couple of months before the baby was born.  We decorated the baby's room, some friends had a baby shower, I had my freezer full of meals. . .and she decided to have her mom parent the baby.

Cleara's baby was due March 17, 2010. 
Abigail's baby is due March 22. 
Gulp.

Learning to trust one day at a time. . .
and trying not to think.

Answered Prayer

It's funny how clearly we can see answers to prayer when we step out in faith.

I hate to talk too much about money (it makes everyone a bit uncomfortable, right?), but unfortunately, money is a rather large part of the adoption process.  It also provides an avenue for the Lord to make His provision abundantly clear.

We really stepped out on faith financially this time--more than we've ever done before (which to spell it out for you means we have less money saved than we ever had in any of our other adoption journeys).  I have to admit I thought we might receive some assistance from our local church and we swallowed our pride to share all the details with the leadership only to have them say they would not be assisting us financially at all.  The first time we've ever asked for any help and we get a flat no.  Discouraging, to say the least.

We even went through a couple days wondering if we should be on this journey again after all.  We  had prayed for the Lord's guidance and discernment all along the way, but we were second guessing.  Maybe this is just foolish to step so far out in faith.  Besides, we have five kids already.  And we will be almost 60 years old by the time this child is of an age to be independent.

Oh, the father of lies is sneaky, sneaky. 

But we talked with an older brother in the Lord for whom we have utmost respect and he was only encouraging.  When Alan came right out and asked if he thought we were being foolish, he adamantly replied "No."  He asserted that this child needs a home and he or she needs to be in our home.  Encouraged (that is, filled with courage), we continued onward.  We've been praying for discernment, for provision, for trust and peace.

The Lord then proceeded to be so kind as to give us three affirmations that we are following Him and that He will provide.   I just have to record these so I don't forget them, so I can glorify the Lord, and so I can revisit them at some time in the future when I need to be reminded of His provision.

1. First, our former church in Missouri before we moved to Iowa sent us an unsolicited check for $1,000 when we shared the good news with them.
2. Next, we were leaving a friend's house and he pulled Alan aside to ask (again, unsolicited) if we would please let him be a part of our adoption journey.  He would like to buy one of our plane tickets to travel to Phoenix to pick up the baby (I'm guessing this will cost around $500 as we don't know the exact date Abigail will go into labor so we can't get tickets ahead of time).
3. Third, Alan has been serving as the Operations Manager over two branches at his job the last few months while a co-worker is undergoing treatment for pancreatic cancer.  The end of last week his boss was thanking him for the job he has been doing and told him he would be receiving a bonus this week.  "I think you will be very happy with it," were the exact words.  I don't yet know the amount of this bonus, but I know every dollar of it will be applied toward adoption costs.

Doesn't that sound like answers to prayer to you?  The Lord is going to provide, yet again!

It's humbling (but not humiliating) to think He cares so much for me to move His people to answer my prayer.  I must admit it's not as easy for me to be a recipient as it is to be the giver, but I know how the Lord works.  He uses our needs to grow us--both the person receiving and the person who has the opportunity to be used by the Lord to meet a need.

Really, isn't it neat to think that the Lord allows us to be used to answer someone else's prayer?  It convicts me to continue walking in the Spirit (as Paul encouraged in Galatians) heeding the nudge to give, to make that call to a lonely person, to send that card of encouragement or friendship, to make a second lasagna to share.

Ready

Well, for those of you who have been following along, we have our homestudy all ready to go.  You may recall that we started the process again after receiving two emails about two young boys who were needing a home.  After receiving the first email, we inquired about them but they were looking for a homestudy ready family and ours needed updated, so we just prayed for them.  After receiving the second email six weeks later, we decided to go ahead and update our home study and kept praying that the Lord would provide the boys with a family.

We contacted the agency yesterday to let them know we are now homestudy ready and to inquire about the boys and they reported that another family has come forward to adopt them and their birthmother has approved the match.

So now we have a homestudy sitting here.  We aren't actively pursuing adoption (as in sending the homestudy out to various agencies or putting our name on a consultant's list) but we're just waiting to see what the Lord does.  If He brings a need to our attention, we are ready.  If not, we are quite richly blessed as we are.

Tucking Away the Joy and Rewards

There are certain moments along this parenting and homeschooling journey that I, like Mary, treasure away in my heart.  Earlier this week, in our discussion of A Tale of Two Cities, I had such a moment with my teens that just made my heart glad and gave me the encouragement and strength to persevere through another year.  I share this on my blog to help me remember it.

The literature guide we are using asked the question:

Sometimes it is very difficult to see beyond a person's outward appearance.  At the end of Chapter 20, Darnay offers his view of Sydney Carton, but Lucie seems to see more clearly into Carton's secret heart.

Read Matthew 7:1-5 and James 4:11,12.  What do these verses teach us about judging others?  Philippians 2:1-4.  According to these verses, how should we regard others?

We had so much fun when we realized we didn't need to open our Bibles to read these passages because by working together we could quote them.  This led us to a discussion of the Jews in concentration camps who reportedly compiled Scriptures they had hidden in their minds and hearts when they had no access to written Scriptures, and then we segued to a discussion of the importance of continuing to memorize Scripture ourselves as we don't know what the future holds in this increasingly anti-Christian world we live in.

Home educating our children is frequently a scary journey, fraught with uncertainty and insecurity about adequately preparing our children.  But in moments like these, I feel the Lord is giving me hope and encouragement not to grow weary as He gives me a peek at the fruit He is growing.

Regardless of whatever else did or did not get accomplished this week (or cleaning up peed pants, monitoring disagreements, compelling children to clean up messes, getting frustrated with a child who simply cannot pronounce the 'r' sound, etc), this moment made the week a success to me.

On the Run

There has been a lot going on around here lately--that's my excuse for getting behind in blogging yet again.  I have several posts started which I will try to finish up one of these days, but for now, I'll give you a quick peek into our life the last couple weeks or so.

• We got to help my brother and his family move into their new-to-them house.  It is just an adorable house for them and Marcy has (as usual) fixed it up to be a cozy and lovely home.  We couldn't be happier for them or prouder of them for managing their God-given resources wisely and being able to purchase a house.
• Tyrell turned three!!  I can't believe how fast time is going--he is simply not a baby anymore!  He chose to wear his jammies all day on his birthday and picked sausage, eggs, and coffeecake for lunch, and country fried steak for supper.  We got him a cowboy hat and holsters with two pistols for his birthday because he likes a Tom and Jerry scene where Tom "shoots two guns at the same time, pyou, pyou."  He talks a mile a minute, responds to every comment with "why?", and doesn't walk anywhere--he just runs.  He is such a joy and blessing!

 

• We were blessed to attend eight days of a two-week conference-style Bible study and stay with some special friends in Kansas City.  Two of my favorite lessons included one about raising teenagers and another overviewing the book of Ecclesiastes.  The latter study inspired me to dig into this book with my teenagers this Fall and we are really looking forward to it.  Our time with our friends was also quite uplifting as we not only have fun together, but we also enjoy meaningful conversation into the night (between Alan's yawns).  Tyrell has even been asking if we can go back to their house the last couple days!
• We have also been scrambling to update our home study (paperwork, paperwork, paperwork!) after receiving a second email searching for a family for two young boys.  After much prayer and deliberation, we decided to take the steps the government deems necessary in order to again open our home and hearts to children who need a family.  We don't know that we will get our home study updated before a home is found for these particular boys, but we will just see.  That's how our adoption journeys tend to start--the Lord opens our hearts, we step out in faith and obedience, and then we watch to see what He does.
• Briana and Destry also flew to Florida, all by themselves, for a TeenPact alumni event.  They were met at the airport by some friends we met at church while in Florida to adopt Tyrell three years ago and were able to spend the night with them and attend church services before our friends drove them to the camp.  This experience, as usual, brought my big kids home more independent, more thoughtful, and more committed to serving the Lord in whatever arenas their life takes them.  This season of giving my children wings is a time of growth for them and mama both.

• In the midst of all this, we have been meeting weekly with six other couples to discuss our reading of Equipped to Love written by Norm Wakefield.  This has been a wonderful time as we each are evaluating ourselves, learning to love more like God loves, and especially opening our hearts to one another and building relationships.  We will probably be meeting three more weeks before we finish up.
• We also got to meet up with Easton's birthmother last week.  It's always so nice to get to spend some time with our children's families of origin as it's an opportunity to learn more about our child, to identify genetic characteristics he shares with those who share his blood.  I think his first mom also enjoyed seeing how much he has grown, how much we love him, and how happy he is.  They had a nice time visiting, playing games and enjoying pizza together.

That pretty well catches up the last couple weeks.  In the next week I anticipate lots of gardening and canning of fruits and vegetables, as well as planning for school.  Then too, the big kids will perform a skit at the Iowa State Fair, we are hosting an ice cream social and planning meeting for our homeschool group Monday night, and hosting a teen Bible study Saturday night.

Where did I ever get the idea that summertime is a time of rest and recharging?  :)

Getting It Off My Chest: Good Dad, Bad Dad

That comment Friday night was the final straw.  It was the third comment in less than two weeks time lauding Alan's fathering.

What did he do to merit such praise?  He sat beside his two-year-old son during a meal to help him and keep him from making a mess.  The time before that he took a couple of his young children to the bathroom and the time before that he walked through the line at a fellowship meal with his six-year-old son helping him fix his plate while simultaneously filling his own.

Now don't misunderstand me.  Alan is a very good father; I'm not trying to dispute this claim.  I'm simply concerned that our standards for fathers have apparently declined to the point that a father who actually attends to his children's most basic physical needs is elevated to near sainthood.

Perhaps my expectations are too high, but I find it more commendable for fathers to teach their children the Word of God, to pray with and for their children, to train and correct their children.  I'm impressed when a father encourages his children, when he points his children to the cross as they struggle and fail with temptation, when he inspires them to learn and try new things.  I admire dads who instill vision and goals in their children, who prepare them to work with diligence and cheerfulness, who shape them to be people of integrity.

Taking a child to the bathroom or helping them with a meal. . .well, that's just an assumed part of parenthood, isn't it?  Why would such mundane daily tasks be worthy of comment, let alone commendation?

As I've reflected on these questions, I've arrived at a very sobering answer.  There are men who are not only failing in their responsibilities to shape their children's spiritual lives and adult character, but are also failing to take even the most minute role in attending to their children's basic daily needs.  The lack of dads involved in assisting their children's meals is merely an outward symptom of the disease of the fathers' absence in spiritual formation.

"If we stay on the current course, one day the United States
will be known as the country of the Founding Fathers
with no fathers to be found." ~ Dr. Wade Horn

 As I apply some hindsight, I realize this decline has been rolling for a few generations.  I think several years ago, fathers simply disconnected from their children.  It likely started with the Industrial Revolution when they were physically disconnected from their children and progressed through the feminist movement which led to the claim that women (in their superiority equality) should have the moral and spiritual responsibility of the family.

Truthfully, I see some men in my generation who are changing their family trees by starting a renewal, a restoration to the father's biblical role.  Where their fathers, my husband's father included, limited their parental responsibility to "bringing home the bacon", some forward-thinking men are realizing their importance in their children's emotional and spiritual development and are claiming their responsibilities to bring their children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

"What's important is not who my ancestors were,

what's important is what my children and grandchildren will become."

~  Abraham Lincoln

When the father's focus moves to spiritual matters, his daily physical care of the children simply falls into place.  This father realizes that the only way to impart spiritual truths to his children is by living in relationship with them and spending time with them, teaching them "when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, when you rise up". . .

and when you fix their plates and take them to the bathroom and sit beside them to eat your meal.

Secret Thoughts

I'm certain this book will make my "top books read in 2013" list.  If it doesn't, then I'm in for an incredibly enriching and challenging year of reading if I'm going to read ten books even better than this one.

In The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert, Rosaria Champagne Butterfield details her "train-wreck conversion" from liberal lesbian English professor to a married homeschooling adoptive mom and christian.   

You're going to want to read it. 

Don't let my pitiful ruminations distract you from that fact.  I've devoured this book twice in the last two weeks and roped a friend into reading it and meeting at  Perkins to discuss it with me (six hours!  We spent six hours chatting our hearts out, from 6 pm to midnight!).  I would love to meet and visit with the author, even as I am secretly intimidated by her intellect.  She shares her story with honesty, talent, and grace.  She doesn't hold back anything of the questions that both provoke and plague her journey, yet is tactful, and ultimately challenges the reader to self-examination in multiple areas:

Worldview
I was fascinated by her understanding of worldview, even as the story began with her staunch belief in a secular feminist postmodern worldview heavily influenced by Freud, Marx, and Darwin.  As a professor of women's studies, she even stated on the syllabus that all papers must be written from a feminist worldview in order to receive a grade.  As the story progressed, however, she decided she had wasted her best years steeped in the wrong worldview (80) and adopted a biblical worldview as she realized that sin starts with the way you think.  I am saddened that many christians are unaware of what a worldview even is, let alone do they attribute such significance to the effect our worldview has on us while intellectuals with unbiblical worldviews are quite conscious and deliberate about shaping worldviews. 

Thinking
She really challenges christians to be thinkers--in fact she calls christians "bad thinkers."  She challenges us not to try so hard to surround ourselves with people just like us because "where everybody thinks the same, nobody thinks very much" (3).  Convicting.  I like to think and to be challenged, but I fear that I am also a "bad thinker".  And I too often seek people like myself--to cocoon myself in a safe, comfortable little bubble?

Identity Crisis
Butterfield labels her conversion as a train wreck because it upended her life as she knew it--even to her very identity.  When Christ gets ahold of us, it really should drastically change our lives as we die to the old man and rise to walk in newness of life.  Butterfield described the cost as the "you that you used to be" (41).  She pulls no punches as she scorns the distorted gospel that teaches one can say a simple little prayer and continue living as before while enjoying the entertainment-driven, club atmosphere of mega churches boasting coffee shops and bounce houses (34).

Christian walk
One of my favorite lessons I learned from her story was the contrast between praying for the willingness to obey and praying for miraculous healing "if" God really doesn't want me to live this way that I referenced after reading her article online.  She references John 7:17 as teaching that obedience comes before understanding and so she prayed for a willingness to obey even as her flesh wanted to argue and demand an explanation for why her lifestyle was wrong in God's sight.  She detailed the necessity of being a church who doesn't offer platitudes to new believers, but rather encourages them to count the cost.

I was especially struck by her decision not to attend a particular congregation because "a part of (her) didn't trust (her)self there" (73) because she needed a group that was going to hold her accountable, who was going to teach the hard stuff, who was going to embrace and pray for her.  I'm just going to say that I think that's a very difficult thing to find--a group of believers who are going to provoke you to love and good works.  I think I know exactly what she meant by not trusting herself in a certain fellowship.  We know when we're going to be challenged to grow and be uncomfortable, and we know when we're going to be allowed to sit back and be lazy.

I could go on and on about this book and the thoughts she prompted in my own heart and mind about hospitality, growing through trials, sexual sin, and adoption but this post is quite long enough.  I highly encourage you to read it (although I don't agree with everything she says and she details quite a lot of her doctrinal beliefs--read with discernment and think) and then share your own thoughts.  I'll try not to keep you up until midnight discussing it!