My Daughter, My Sister, My Friend

I was invited to write a guest post for my friend Kaylene's blog series on raising daughters.  Since I am in this arrow-releasing season with my firstborn, I chose to write about a few things I've been learning these last few months.  You're invited to go see what we've been learning!

As my firstborn daughter has both graduated and turned 19 within the last year, I find our relationship--and my role in it--changing.  For years I have tried to bring her up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, but in this season my job is evolving.  She is not only my daughter, but ultimately my sister and my friend.

Navigating this season with our daughters is rife with challenges.  I don't want to treat her as a friend too soon when she needs me to be her authority.  But neither do I want to breed either rebellion or dependence by holding onto control too long. . .

Continue reading at Kaylene's blog

I Gave Dating a Chance

I Gave Dating a Chance: A Biblical Perspective to Balance the Extremes by Jeramy Clark

I finished this the end of last year but just haven't had a chance to sit down and articulate my thoughts on it.  I liked it, for the most part.  I thought it was a pretty balanced guideline for dating christians.

I have to admit to some wry grins as I read, because he was obviously writing to refute Joshua Harris's "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and while hinting that he found Harris's book a legalistic set of rules ("perfect formula") about how to find a spouse, he himself had his own lists of rules.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to someone compiling a list of guidelines for. . .for example, accountability (1. find someone of the same sex you can trust, 2. be consistent in meeting together, 3. establish guidelines for the times to discuss a list of questions instead of just hanging out, 4. be willing to listen to what the partner advises, 5. be willing to say the tough thing, 6. speak the truth in love, 6. be specific in setting goals such as avoiding improper speech or avoiding inappropriate alone time, 7. pray for one another). . .but I grimace when this author's lists are "okay" and the other author's lists are legalistic.

I also hesitated and penciled question marks in the margins when the author said things like "God wants to see you contented and filled" and applied Psalm 37:4 to God wanting to fill a person's desire to date someone, and even some implication that it honors God when we have romantic feelings toward someone because it shows Him that we appreciate His creation.  Yes, God wants us to be contented IN HIM and filled WITH HIM.  Don't start young people on that road paved with "God wants me to be happy."  And I surely don't have to spell out the potential slippery slope when we start with a foundation of appreciating God's creation as justification for having interest in a member of the opposite sex.

I'm also torn at his encouragement of "casual dating."  He encourages dating people in a lighthearted way when you are in a season of not being ready for marriage, just to learn how to interact in a relationship and to get to know members of the opposite sex.  While that might sound good in theory, it's hard for me to believe it can actually work in practice.  Rarely, in my experience and observation, do both people truly have a "lighthearted" approach.  They might both agree to that idea, but one is usually hoping that with time and exposure the other will start to share the romantic feelings he or she already has, or they might start out that way, but then one tends to develop feelings for the other.  It sounds good in theory, but seems fraught with opportunity for hurt and compromise to me.

Now that I have the negative aspects out of the way, there were many, many positive points.  I really appreciated his thoughts on the selfishness and attention-seeking driven desires of flirting, his focus on being God-honoring in our conduct, his warnings against pride and especially viewing dating as an interview to see if the other person is "good enough for me", and the importance of thinking independently "without the tyranny of needing to compare ourselves with others" (someone's gotta give me an AMEN! on that one!).  I like his guidelines while "on a date" such as focusing on conversation more than activity and his discussions of purity, what it is, and how to maintain it.  I especially liked his advice about having help and involvement from parents and friends instead of sneaking around.

I'm glad I read it as there are many good points.  As usual, however, I have some of my own thoughts that don't line up with his, so I take what seems good and leave other points behind.

Not Even A Hint

Not Even a Hint: Guarding Your Heart Against Lust by Joshua Harris


Destry had loaned I Kissed Dating Goodbye to a couple friends from church who ended up buying all three of Joshua Harris's books.  After reading Not Even A Hint:  Guarding Your Heart Against Lust, they asked Destry if he wanted to read it because they thought it was really good.

I have to agree with them, it had some very good points and I've never read another book quite like it.  Even though Destry read it before I did, I would recommend that parents read this book before handing to their teenager.  Destry was good to come to us and ask questions or share thoughts, but it might have been nice to have had a little idea of what sorts of things were in the book to prepare me for those topics. :)

Overall, this book taught what lust is, what the Bible says about it, gives practical suggestions of how to live with purity and integrity, and most of all, it reminds us that we can't fight this battle alone. ("Even a good guideline for fighting lust, if it's carried out with man-made schemes, always ends in self-righteousness" 48.) We must rely on the Lord's power and grace and take advantage of the resources He has given us (parents, trusted mentor or friend) to hold us accountable and help us through times of temptation.

I appreciated his quote of John Piper's equation of lust:  "Lust is a sexual desire minus honor and holiness" (38).

I also thought he had some good suggestions in his guideline for creating a custom-tailored plan for fighting lust:

1. List your own top three lust triggers.  How can you avoid them?
2. What time of day or week are you most tempted by lust?  What can you do to prepare for those times?
3. Which locations are the most tempting for you?  How can you limit your time in these places?
4. What five little battles do you need to be fighting more faithfully?  Describe in detail what it looks like for you to fight-and win-these battles. (pg. 74)

I think my two favorite parts of this book were the ways he 1) emphasized developing a community of accountability who will provoke you to live in holiness and integrity and 2) emphasized the power in the Word.  "Your Bible is no lifeless book.  It has power.  When you read it, speak it, and memorize it, the Holy Spirit uses it against sin like an offensive weapon" (Heb. 4:12, II Tim. 3:16-17)(pg.150).  He strongly encourages memorizing verses to help the reader battle temptations of lust, including Job 31:11-12, Romans 8:6, Gal. 6:7-8, Rom. 13:14, Matthew 5:29-30, II Tim. 2:22, Col. 3:5-6, Eph. 5:3, I Cor. 6:18-20, I Thes. 4:3-6, Prov. 6:25-27, Ps. 101:3, Rom. 14:12, James 1:15, Prov. 5:3-5, Prov. 5:8-11, Ps. 84:10-12, Ps. 16:11, Lam. 3:24-26, Prov. 19:23, Mt. 5:8, Ps. 11:7, Is. 33:17, Ps. 119:9-11

I've Gone to Find Myself

Some seasons of life are complicated.  I think most of us would agree that being a teenager qualifies as one of those seasons.  For some reason, even as those of us past that age easily realize that figuring out who you are and what you are going to do with your life is an ongoing journey, some teenagers (probably those who have perfectionist tendencies) feel a burden to figure it all out and NOW.

My 16-year-old son has recently been sharing a quote he gets a kick out of mocking: 

"I've gone to find myself.  If I get back before I return, please keep me here."

This is irony at its finest as I'm striving for patience (and frequently failing) while walking with him through this season of his introspection and self-criticism. 

I love this quote Laura shared on her Outnumbered Mom blog and need to keep it for further reference and instruction:

“Unless introspection is accompanied…by an equal passion for the good life, it all too easily degenerates into a spineless, narcissistic fascination with our own sin and weakness.”

--W.H. Auden

There is some serious wisdom to ponder--and act upon--today.

Boy Meets Girl

This is becoming something of a habit, but I asked Briana and Destry to write about how they benefited from our  family reading of Joshua Harris's sequel to I Kissed Dating Goodbye.  Instead of writing my own review, I decided to post Briana's thoughts.

I love Josh's style in Boy Meets Girl:  Say Hello to Courship because he is not making a list of rules--he is sharing what helped him in his courtship.  He shares principles and practical applications that can be used in all courtships because they are founded in God's word.

Here are some of my favorite points from Boy Meets Girl:

• There are two goals of a courtship:  1) to glorify God and 2) to answer the question "Should I marry this person?"  The first goal seems obvious yet it was a good reminder for me.  The goal of everything in my life needs to be to glorify God.  This reminder helped  me realize that courtship and marriage aren't about me, they are about bringing glory to God.  I like Josh's point with goal number 2 of courtship, because it directs the focus.  Courtship is not just for fun or to make me feel special--courtship is to help a person decide if someone would be a good spouse for them.  Sometimes the answer to this question is no and then a courtship ends and you part ways.  Josh explains that the goal of a courtship is to figure out if someone is right for you in a pure way so that even if the answer is no you can come away with joy instead of sorrow and regret.
• Another point Josh had that I appreciated was that I need to take this seriously.  Finding a spouse has to be done for the right motivation (glorify God) and needs to be done purposefully.  If I am in a courtship someday I want to follow this point and be sober-minded and purposeful because that is a major way to guard my heart and have a meaningful relationship.
• Accountability is a part of courtship that can be a huge blessing.  I cannot rely completely on myself to stick to my convictions in a relationship.  The prayer and counsel of wise, trustworthy people in my life can help me and the young man courting me to make good decisions and glorify God.
• Josh suggests three phases to courtship that were very helpful for me to think about:  1) Friendship.  This is the phase where the boy and girl get to know each other.  I'm glad Josh pointed out this phase because I like to make new friends.  This phase tends to be skipped in relationships, but it is important and can contribute to a beautiful courtship and hopefully marriage.  2)  Fellowship.  Once you get to know the person on the surface level you can begin to discuss deeper topics such as the Bible, your beliefs, dreams, goals, etc.  I like that Josh pointed out that fellowship is not interrogation--these subjects can come up naturally, we don't need to force it.  (I can get a little interrogative, so this is good for me to remember)  3)  Romance.  Romance does play a part in courtship, but you must be careful, make sure you are setting specific boundaries, and protect yourselves and each other.  I'm glad this point is in Josh's book because without it, I would feel guilty over any emotion and I would block attraction out.  It is a delicate balance, but attraction with self-control is a good thing.
• Communication is key.  I'm glad Josh says you don't have to be perfect at communicating (I'm not!), the important thing is to be purposeful, truthful, and humble.  Communication is what makes a courtship such a beautiful relationship--and we cannot be successful without it. 

I realize I've said a lot, but really this is only a preview of all that Josh says in Boy Meets Girl.  Overall, Josh's book helped me understand the purpose and logistics of courtship a lot better and gave me peace by helping me see that if I put God first and strive to glorify Him with my courtship (and all my relationships) He will guide me in His way.

Life-Changing Week

Destry described his week at TeenPact as life-changing.  It was his first TeenPact experience and Briana's third.  Both came home bubbling over with enthusiasm, dreams and goals, and new friendships.

TeenPact's mission is to train youth to understand the political process, value their liberty, defend their Christian faith and engage the culture at a time in their lives when, typically, they do not care about such things.

The truth is, both Destry and his friend Jarret (pictured above) were pretty much dragged to this government and leadership four-day camp.  They were appalled that they had to do several homework assignments and help pay for the cost.  They were further appalled at the idea of wearing a tie every single day!

I had considered not having my kids go this year, but after much prayer and discussion with my husband, we made a late decision that Destry needed to go this year for reasons that I'll not go into here.  I just love it when the Lord works things out like this.  Not only did they learn a great deal about government, but they also grew in their relationships with other teenagers who love the Lord and are seeking Him.  A more sober-minded and humble son came home to me Thursday than the one I dropped off on Monday.

Both of my teens enjoyed honors this week.  Briana ran for the position of governor and did not win, but she was recognized as the highest-scoring alumnus in homework, tests and quizzes.  Destry was elected as one of the three senators and as such gave a speech at the graduation ceremony.  I was, of course, quite proud of them both for these accomplishments.

What I was most proud of, however, took place during the speech of another of the elected senators.  He asked Destry to stand and then commended him for being a person who always has an encouraging word and knows just the right thing to say when you need it.

I'm curious to see how this experience continues to affect their daily lives and future.  I record these details not to brag on them (well, not too much anyway! ha!) but mostly so they won't forget these moments and the impact TeenPact has had on them.  I record them now, anticipating one day looking back on their experience and seeing how it shaped their choices.

Mother and Daughter Retreats, Part Two

In more fun times retreating with my daughter from the daily cares of living, Briana and I met with several young ladies for a weekend of bonding and encouragement last Fall.  One of the things I liked about this gathering was the age span of the young ladies.  Most of them ranged between the ages of 15 and 25.  It was a great opportunity for them to establish some relationships across the seasons of high school, college, the workforce, and young married ladies.

There were some great times of Bible study, encouragement and discussion as well as times of games and outright silliness and giggling.

Yes, and throwing of paper balls.  Briana had a great time with new friends and friends of several years.

But I was also blessed to get to hang out with my cousin and friend, Teresa, since she hosted and her daughter was also there.  Teresa and I grew up going to church together and have experienced more than our fair share of giggles over the years.  It was also fun to get to better know our younger counterparts Alena and Ashley, standing behind us, who identified themselves with us.

 Perhaps we should try to grow up and be better examples!  :)

Briana, Friends, and Sledding

I was deluding myself in that last post.  Life doesn't really slow down.

Briana and four of her new friends at the coffee shop

Last weekend was Briana's birthday and it was a delightful and busy weekend.  She was especially touched when a few of her friends surprised her by meeting her at a little coffee shop in town to buy her a dessert and a special hot drink.  After visiting and giggling for a while, they spent the rest of the afternoon checking out the fun little shops around town.

Then that night we took her out to supper (she chose Mexican and we happened upon the best Mexican restaurant we've tried here yet) and took her shopping since she wanted a new Bible cover and cd for her birthday.

The next evening we hosted a Teen Night for the local homeschool group.  The night started with them having a blast sledding.

They tried all kinds of fun tricks like making a long train by holding one another's legs and trying to make it down the long, long hill as one unit (it worked once!) and hooking arms to sled down side by side.

They had a really great time with lots of competition, exercise, and laughter.  Then they came inside to a warm fire, hot chocolate, and some pizza burgers, chicken wings, and all sorts of snacks.  I couldn't get all of the entryway in the frame, but I captured a good part of the chaos that results when 22 teenagers come in from sledding!

The rest of the evening was spent talking, laughing, playing the piano, playing games, and just generally having a great time.

Briana and Destry have developed some good friendships with a pretty good group of kids.  It's kind of funny how things work out, isn't it?

Planning High School Courses--FREE

I feel compelled to share a great resource that's free for just a few more days.  Lee Binz has her ebook, Planning High School Courses, listed for free on Kindle through February 26.  If you look around, you'll see that you can also listen to her webinar on this subject for just one cent rather than its usual $15.

I've been updating transcripts for my teenagers lately and planning next year (Briana will be a senior! gasp!) and this quick little book was just perfect to focus my mind and give me some reassurance.  She breaks the book down and spends a little time with each core subject detailing how many credits are recommended and how they can be met.  I most appreciate the way she constantly refers back to delight-directed learning showing how a child's individual interests, passions, and giftings can lead to classes/studies which fulfill state and college requirements.  She also shares some curriculum suggestions for attaining the credits.

I recommend this book for those who are getting close to the high school years and want to get the big picture as well as those at any point in the high school journey for encouragement and focus.  And free is such a great bargain!

Reaping the Harvest

I realize I have written posts about harvesting corn, meat, and other hobby farm products, but this post is a review of Diana Waring's encouraging book Reaping the Harvest:  The Bounty of Abundant-Life Homeschooling.

I spent several weeks absorbing the jewels Waring packed into these 200 pages because I needed time for it to sink in.  Besides that, it’s one of those books you just don’t want to end.  In her inimitable style, Diana Waring writes with an energetic and humorous voice.

This was a wonderful book for me to read as our school year began since I have two high schoolers this year.  In the first part of the book, Waring addresses the years of preparation building up to the teen years.   In part two she addresses the years "in the trenches" and especially focuses on sowing the seeds of ambition, courage, good habits, and learning to think.  Her section on thinking was especially good, over-viewing different types of intelligence and worldview and logic.  The last section was about (sniff, sniff) letting go, shooting our arrows out into the world, and giving our children a focus of serving God with their lives--being ambassadors for Him.

Frankly, there is so much in this book I don't even know how to begin to write a decent review.  I'd like to just tell you to go buy it and read it--over and over again.  To whet your appetite, here are just a few of the many, many quotes I underlined.

The JOYS OF PARENTING TEENAGERS

“This can be the most wonderful time of all for a parent, holding the richest moments, the greatest opportunities, and the best growing seasons.  Everything we have been working on as parents up to this point has been mere preparation for the really good stuff:  TEENAGERS! (1)

“Got teens?  You lucky dog.  Spend time with them; enjoy them; listen to them; and love them.  They are the most incredible people, these emerging adults, and they can become the best friends you’ll ever have” (19).

TIPS FOR PARENTING TEENS

“It is possible to have healthy relationships with your teenagers IF you spend enough time (quality and quantity) and IF you hold a place of influence in their lives by teaching them yourself” (9).

“Stop reacting and start listening.  Listen to them like you listen to a friend.  Learn the gentle art of querying without pushing.  Create an atmosphere and attitude where hearts, dreams, and concerns can safely be revealed.  God has been at work in them—in the deep and hidden places of their hearts, and we will never know anything about it if we don’t shut our mouths, quit directing their EVERY step, and just listen to them” (15).

“Let us be the liberators, not the jailers, of our teenagers” (25).

“In the same way that delighting the heart of God is not about obeying a myriad of nit-picky, legalistic, make-yourself-perfect-type rules, this parenting of teenagers is not about issuing a myriad of nit-picky, legalistic, make-yourself-perfect=type rules.  We need love—love which takes the time to listen rather than merely react, love displayed by wise decisions and careful actions, love shown by the parents, and love shown by the teenagers” (33).

PERSONAL GROWTH FOR PARENTS

“Transparency is powerful.  It is not pretending to be perfect.  It is not putting on a show for the sake of others.  When we are transparent before our children, it is letting them into the things we do right AND into the things which we do wrong (which are much harder to be vulnerable about).  The things we do wrong, if we allow God to transform them, can become the most powerful inducements for good in our children’s lives” (64).

“As parents, we don’t have to be perfect in order to  positively impact our children; we just need to keep changing, maturing, and growing up” (86).

"Will your teens finish high school with a checklist marked off and little memory of what they learned , OR will they finish with an amazing grasp of the materials they have studied, a voracious hunger and enthusiasm for learning, and an equipping with the knowledge and understanding necessary to pursue the next step in their lives?  Time is limited--so choose wisely and choose well!  You can't do it all--so do what is best!" (145).

"Don't forget, God is uniquely leading you through life, your story will NOT be a carbon copy of someone else's.  God is far more creative, far more lavish, far wiser than that.  He is looking to show His greatness through us in wonderfully unique and powerful ways. . .We need to imitate those who have hearts and attitudes pleasing to the Lord, but that is not the same as trying to live exactly, to the dot and tittle, just the way they do.  you do not have to live in the same town, wear the same clothes, eat the same food, use the same curriculum. They have a unique walk, designed by God.  And so do you" (212). 

I'm "in the trenches" of this season, so I don't have the wisdom of experience.  I appreciate the many, many words of encouragement and advice Diana Waring shared in this book.  It is empowering and directs the reader over and over again to the Creator of our precious teens.  I hope to read it again soon.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Guest Post

Briana, Destry, and I recently finished our reading and discussion of I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris.  Because I thought you might enjoy a peek into their thoughts after reading it (and not at ALL because I am way behind on writing book reviews of course), I asked them for permission to share the results of their assignment to "discuss I Kissed Dating Goodbye in two-three paragraphs by briefly summarizing it and sharing at least one or two points that most affected you".

To quickly insert my own thoughts, I thoroughly enjoyed reading and discussing the ideas with my teenagers.  It was relationship-building, it gave me a peek into their thought processes, and I was blessed to hear them discuss the seriousness of marriage as a covenantal relationship intended to portray the relationship between Christ and His church.  They each proclaimed themselves not yet ready for marriage and realized areas in their lives where they need to allow God to grow them.  It was a wonderful experience, and I am grateful the Lord led us to read it together at what seems to have been the perfect time.

DESTRY'S THOUGHTS:

I Kissed Dating Goodbye, written by Joshua Harris, is a book that promotes whole-hearted focus on God. It causes us to ask ourselves what the effects of dating are, and if there’s a better way to find a spouse. It shows us how dating can be a road that leads toward premature intimacy and sin. It almost always ends in disappointment and emotional pain. But Joshua doesn’t just stop there; he helps us find better things to dedicate our single years to. He reminds us that our teen years are meant for waiting and preparation for marriage, not to be wasted in romantic gallivanting. Joshua states that his purpose for this book is for us to walk away from it with a more discerning spirit, and that we will be brought closer to God's desire for our lives. That is exactly what it did for me.

 Being 15, I have never actually dated someone. But that’s not the point. It’s not the dating that is the problem; it’s the focus and mindset behind it that is the problem. And that is what I need to work on. It’s important for us to keep a sober mindset and ask ourselves what matters at 50. Is this person’s good looks or character going to make the difference when they’re 50? The first question to ask when evaluating character is: how does this person relate to God? Are they Christians, do they have a growing and personal relationship with God, are they focused on impressing others or God? Secondly, how does this person relate to others? Namely, authorities, parents, the opposite gender, and their companions. Thirdly, how do they discipline their personal life? How do they use their time, handle money, and take care of their body (dress, eating habits, exercise, etc.)

The reason these questions helped me most, is because it keeps the focus on the important things. Not on the outward appearance that man cares about, but on the inward self, which God cares about. More importantly for me, I need to apply these questions to myself, not just criticize potential spouses. How good of a husband can I make? The neat thing about these questions is they apply through all of life, not just when you’re single. Whether you’re 15 or 70, married or single, you can still use these questions to better yourself.

I KissedDating Goodbye is a book that encourages us to leave behind the primitive dating mindset, and move on to higher standards. The things I have mentioned here are just a few of the many excellent points and ideas contained in this book. I encourage everyone to read it, because I can assure you that it will increase your love for God. 

BRIANA'S THOUGHTS:

In I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris’ goal is to reveal to his readers that waiting is much better than dating. He explains that dating has highly defective habits that destroy purity and relationships. Dating encourages individuals to be self seeking and to neglect their responsibilities and convictions in the name of romance.  Dating gives you intimacy without commitment that leads to sin and heartbreak. Josh’s hope is to help us kiss dating goodbye, and move on to godly obedience and sobriety about relationships. He uses his book to offer various ways to change our mindset from what the world wants to what God wants for romance. “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” asks a question: Do you want the best marriage God can give you? If your answer is yes, Josh’s encouragement is to kiss dating goodbye and submit to following God, so you can have a beautiful love story.

One of the big things I gained from “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” was the realization that I’m not ready to get married. In the past when I have thought about marriage, I have thought only about how marriage would fulfill my desires. I need to wake up to what marriage really is. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that represents Christ’s relationship with the church. In order to have a marriage glorifying to God, I need to have maturity, responsibility and selflessness that I do not have right now. I need to grow in faith and the fruit of the Spirit before I’m ready to take on the commitment and responsibility of marriage. This realization has gotten my head out of the clouds and given me real goals to work toward. I want to change my view of marriage from a one-time romantic event that will fulfill me to something more realistic and beautiful:  two people committed to serving God and each other as long as they live. This book encouraged me to work now on developing Christian character, so that when it’s time for me to get married, I will be ready.

             

Since I’m not ready to get married yet, I need to stop looking at boys as potential mates and start considering them to be my brothers and friends whom I can encourage. As a girl, I can either be a distraction or an encouragement to boys. Dating, flirting, and considering a guy’s potential are ways that I can be tempted to distract boys from God, and get them to look at me. As a Christian, this is not the kind of girl I want to be. I don’t want to distract and defraud my brothers. “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” helped me realize that I have a responsibility to God, myself, and those around me to conduct myself in a godly way. Instead of seeking romance, I need to pursue godly, purposeful friendships with boys, in which we can learn to serve and encourage one another, with heaven as our goal. “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” has given me the desire to be the kind of girl that boys don’t have to worry about. Everywhere Christian guys look, they see girls who are speaking, dressing and acting in such a way as to steal their attention from God. I want boys to be able to relax around me because I refuse to distract them from the Savior. I want boys to feel safe in being my friends, because I am following the Lord too, and I want to do what’s right. My desire is to stop trying to get boys to look at me and instead get them to look at God.

Passion and Purity, Part Two

Here is the promised guest post by my sixteen year old daughter, Briana.

 Passion and Purity is an unconventional title for a book.  It seems to contradict itself.  In today's culture, passion and purity seem to be opposites; a person has either one or the other.  In Elisabeth and Jim Elliot's story, however, they had both.  Jim and Elisabeth met at college as they were both training in linguistics in order to become missionaries.  Both were committed to sexual and emotional purity, and both of their lives were dedicated to the Lord.  To make a long story short, they fell in love, but unlike a fairytale they didn't get married and live happily ever after.  They didn't feel that God wanted them to get married right then.  Jim desired to go to distant parts of the South American jungle as a missionary and it wouldn't be safe for a woman to go with him.  Elisabeth had important missionary experience to gain at that time as well.

Jim and Elisabeth waited five years after "falling in love" before the Lord led them together and they joined hands as husband and wife.  Passion and Purity tells the story of Elisabeth's five years of waiting.  She shares all the things God taught her along the way and how she learned to bring her passions under Christ's control.  Passion and Purity was an excellent encouragement to me.  Here are some of the most meaningful things I learned:

1. I belong first to God.  God was most important in Elisabeth's life and she learned to submit every part of herself to Him--first, and above all else
2. I cannot make marriage my goal in life--only God can truly satisfy my soul.  Elisabeth learned that a man couldn't really fulfill her.  She had to trust herself completely in God's hands and be satisfied in Him.
3. Waiting produces trust in God and character that we cannot learn if we always get what we want when we want it. "It's no use trying to measure suffering. What matters is making the right use of it, taking advantage of the sense of helplessness it brings to turn one's thoughts to God. Trust is the lesson." (87)
4. The goal is not to make our natural desire for romance and marriage disappear, but to lay that desire at God's feet so that He can truly purify us for His glory.  "The Christian has handed the reins over to his Master.  His human desires are brought into line.  The desires still exist, are still strong, natural, and human, but they are subjugated to the higher power of the Spirit.  They are purified and corrected as we live day by day in faith and obedience" (95).  
5. God is faithful.  He will grow, teach, and guide you.  He knows what is best for you--you can trust Him. "His intention for us is the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ" (164)

In the introduction, Elisabeth says "The love life of a Christian is a crucial battleground. There, if nowhere else, it will be determined as to who is Lord: the world, the self and the devil, or the Lord Christ." (14)

Later on she voices this struggle, which is the challenge I took from her book.  "Do I want to walk, here as in all areas of my life, by faith? Or will I take things into my own hands?"  Passion and Purity challenged me to lay my desires, emotions, and relationships at the feet of Christ, and I highly recommend it to you.

Setting the Records Straight and High School

As I mentioned last week, we have started back with schoolwork, so I have a lot of school-related thoughts in my head right now.  It's hard to believe that I have two high schoolers this year as Briana is entering her junior year and Destry is officially a freshman.  I spent the first couple weeks of my summer reading Setting the Records Straight by Lee Binz, updating Briana's transcript, figuring grades, writing course descriptions, and planning for the future.

While I can't say I necessarily learned anything new from Lee Binz's book, I did appreciate her examples and encouragement, and most of all I gained motivation.  If a parent really has no idea what to do for high school record keeping, or how to figure grades, or where to start with a transcript, her book would be a great resource.  Even though I had previously researched this information, it was still good for me to read her book and then allow it to motivate me to actually sit down and DO it.

One challenge to parenting teens that I have encountered is helping them handle the pressure they feel to figure out what they want to do with the rest of their lives.  Sometimes I think adults don't know what to say to teens, so they ask questions like "So, what do you want to be when you grow up?  Are you making plans for college?" etc.  I know we adults are well-meaning with these questions, but I have had to settle my kids and remind them that most people start college in one major and graduate with a different degree--and many people even start their career in one field but completely change careers several years later, many times making multiple career changes.  There's really no need to feel pressure at the age of 14 or 15 to have your life plan all mapped out.

At the same time, I have to fight my own (self-imposed) pressure to offer them every opportunity for every class to learn everything they might possibly need to equip them for their lives. (phew!)  Deep down I believe my responsibility is in the areas of shaping their character, preparing them to live for the Lord and teaching them a love for learning which will give them the tools to learn whatever they need to know as they grow and change.  Sometimes, however, I get caught up in "keeping up with the Joneses" (whoever that is!) and worry about depriving them of some wonderful educational opportunity they need.

I get torn between conflicting philosophies.  On the one hand, I agree with Lee Binz's philosophy:

Either I’m preparing my kids to be college-ready

or I’m providing them with the highest level of education they’ll receive,

 so I need to make it good~Lee Binz, the Homescholar

On the other hand, I hear speakers recommend that students study subjects based on their individual interests rather than spending their time checking off classes considered "college prep" by our society at large.  I don't know which philosophy is best, so meanwhile I continue one step at a time along my eclectic path trying to offer studies that appeal to their natural interests and giftings while also requiring subjects that expose them to ideas that would prepare them to excel in a liberal arts education.

Godly Young Man

I love watching the Lord provide.  I've been praying for the Lord's help in my relationship with my 14-year-old son.  In many ways, it's easier being the mother of a teen daughter than son because our common interests make it easier to relate to my daughter. We also spend a lot of time working together, and we have read many books together about being a godly young woman. 

I find reading books with my children to be a relationship-building experience as it opens the door to communicate about those difficult-to-broach topics, but I have a hard time finding appropriate books for these discussions with my son.  So I was specifically praying to find a book that I could read and discuss with my son that would promote growth both in our relationship and in his relationship with the Lord.

Shortly after this request, I received a package in the mail.  Crossway books sent me the book Disciplines of a Godly Young Man written by R. Kent Hughes and Carey Hughes for me to review.  I knew immediately I would like it--it was, after all, an answer to prayer.

Now that I've read it through (and have read and discussed the first four chapters so far with my son) I can share specifically what I like about it.

• The format:  The book is written in short chapters which makes it less intimidating to read.  Each chapter addresses a different discipline and is packed full of relevant points and illustrations.
• The tone:  The authors are a father/son duo and this tone works very nicely.  They don't talk down to the reader, nor are they overly buddy-buddy with the reader.  They communicate with both a fatherly tone of spiritual maturity and a more youthful, in-the-trenches commiseration.  They are honest and relevant, both with the content and the tone.
• Scriptural support:  They dissect several Scriptures which make for an interesting and insightful study.  They don't just use a verse here and there to support a point they want to make; rather, they focus on passages of Scripture and pull several points out of the Scripture.  One example is in the discipline of perseverance in which they overview Hebrews 11 and then, from chapter 12 verses 1-2, expound on the themes 1) Strip down, 2) Run, 3) Focus and 4) Consider.
• Needful:  Our young men need books like this.  It is well-rounded in the topics it covers and includes something for everyone.  The authors are not afraid to set the standard high--right up there with God's standard.  Being a godly young man is not something that just happens.  We parents must be intentional in teaching them what godliness is, and this book is a wonderful tool toward that end.  Our young men must also be intentional in striving toward godliness.  This book fills a void in the genre as I have been looking for sometime for a book of this quality.  (I am open to other recommendations if you know of any, by the way.)

My son is diligent in reading the Bible daily, but sometimes it's an intellectual exercise without the application.  Adding a reading of Disciplines of a Godly Young Man will, I hope, encourage him to think more deeply about the Word and to examine himself in light of what God's Word says.  So far he is really getting a lot out of it and we have enjoyed meaningful discussions of the questions at the end of each chapter.

If you have a teen-aged young man in your life, I highly recommend this book.  (There was only one very minor point I disagreed with, namely that of a young man's "work, be it ever so humble, is a divine calling" (114).  I crossed out calling and wrote in commandment as I don't see scriptural support for specific jobs being a "calling", but rather God has commanded man to work from as early as the keeping of the Garden.)  I love the authors' theme:

Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every other way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.  The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance.  I Timothy 4:7-9

Another Step

Every time my kiddos have a new experience, I feel like it's another step away from us and toward independence.  Briana spent the last week at the capitol learning about government and leadership from a christian worldview with TeenPact.  We had fun tweaking her wardrobe for the unseasonably warm March we've been experiencing. 

This was my favorite outfit that she pulled together--an old skirt she's had for several years topped with a new sweater she bought with birthday money and finished off with cute earrings and Mom's boots.

She also had fun tailoring a dress into a skirt to create this jacket and skirt combo.  It looked really sharp when paired with her accessories and a more appropriate hairstyle.  I didn't get pictures of all her outfits, but another "old" skirt was freshened up with a new blouse and little sweater.

She had a bunch of homework to do again this year and as an alumnus, she was also assigned a couple books to read and two essays with a minimum of 500 words each.  She revised and revised and revised again until she found them satisfactory.  They each earned perfect scores and even an added "Awesome!"

While Briana was again challenged and stimulated by the classes and opportunities, she was most excited about the relationships she made this year.  She talked my ear off for three hours straight the first night she was home after being gone for the week (unusual for her) and is already making plans to attend national events in Tennessee and Washington, D.C.

A new top for the more casual evenings playing games at camp.

Frankenstein

I recently read Mary Shelley's Frankenstein with my big kids for their literature and worldview class.  I can't get over how much there is in this classic!  We have talked this book to pieces and I still can't stop thinking about it.  We've discussed several obvious themes such as the pursuit of knowledge, elevation of nature, the role played by fire and light, monsters and even abortion.  We've really delved in to the skewed perception of Frankenstein as a distant, unjust, limited representation of the Creator.

We've studied Shelley's view of the nature of man as represented by the creature.  It's fascinating to consider her view of man as basically good and kind if only treated with love and acceptance.  This view explains a lot about our world today as people claim the "victim mentality" and blame the way they were raised as an excuse for their behavior rather than taking responsibility for the choices they have made.  I have always found the "nature versus nurture" argument intriguing and this representation of man's nature brings the consideration up yet again.  Ultimately, we have to consider that "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" regardless of our environment.  We can't be good enough on our own, nor can we raise our children to be good enough to not need a savior.  Man cannot save himself; man is not good; God alone is good which is why we need Jesus.  (Consider Romans 7:14-25)  It's obvious when we read the Bible that our natural man stubbornly wrestles against the spirit, but much of our modern psychology and behaviorism and secular humanism tend to skew our perception and tempt us to view humanity as good unless affected by some bad outside source.  It has been good for us to examine this classic piece of literature to discern the author's worldview.

But something I've enjoyed even more has been the additional insights my teens have shared from our reading.  Destry, for example, pointed out how the creature started out loving man with a truer sense of love which sought man's best but deteriorated to a selfish shadow of love which sought to use.  He saved the life of a drowning girl and helped the Delacey family by cutting wood and scooping their snow.  He longed for the companionship of man and wanted their love.  After being rejected and persecuted, however, he despaired of being loved and demanded a female counterpart to his monster.  Destry observed that at this point he was no longer seeking to give and receive love, but rather was selfishly seeking an equally miserable creature to satisfy his own desires.

Briana, on the other hand, was especially struck by how frequently the characters allowed their emotions to dictate their actions.  She noted the negative consequences that resulted from this lack of self-control such as the creature killing people in fits of anger and Frankenstein "giving in to his despair" and becoming despondent and sick.  Considering how many times over the years I have counseled her to take captive every thought and bring it under obedience to Christ and to practice self-control rather than giving in to her emotions, I found it very interesting that she noticed this theme in the book.

Briana also contrasted the sanctity of life with Frankenstein's lack of respect for life as he carelessly created without any forethought or sense of responsibility for that life.  His prideful attitude made him think he was somehow above the laws of nature which God himself set in motion.  Life is sacred; it is not common and should not be treated as such.  Creating new life should only be undertaken with serious contemplation and that life cannot then be cast aside simply because it is not convenient or what was expected.

I've said it before and I'll say it again--I'm having a blast learning with my teens!  I got much more out of this book this time than I did the first time I read it.

Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen

 Believe it or not, our firstborn is now sixteen years old!

I tend to be more in the "can't-believe-it" camp just because the years have gone by so quickly and her adulthood is quickly approaching. 

Briana Leigh is such a joy, and she's one of those people with a sweet spirit and a servant's heart.  Her love for the Lord is genuine and shines through her every day by overflowing onto those around her.

 She was simply thrilled with all of the fun presents she received from her family as they showered her with love in the form of cute clothes, lotions, perfumes, and money for shopping.  We got her a sewing table for the hobby room (she has already used it to turn a dress into a skirt!) and her purity ring.  She and Alan have been studying what God says about purity and preparing for marriage over the last several weeks, and the study culminates with the gift of a purity ring symbolizing his commitment to help and guide her in preserving her purity to give to her future husband.

 

She has been very blessed by this special time with Dad and loves her ring.  We let her help us pick it out, because we wanted it to be unique to her.  She chose this lovely little flower which is inscribed with "love" on one side (pictured below) and "waits" on the other side.

  

It was also fun to share her delight as the church surprised her with a little celebration after our Wednesday evening Bible study.  She felt special and honored, and her new friends told me that was their intent--to make her feel special.

 

Here she is with a couple of Iowa church friends she is already enjoying, Charity and Morgan.

  

And just for extra fun, she is building friendships with girls like Amber in the local homeschool group as well.

 

I am so thankful for Briana, such a blessing from the Lord, and am honored to be her mother and sister in Christ.  I love you Briana, and wait with anticipation to see what the Lord does in your life!

Moving. . .With Children, Part One

Have you ever had a friend who challenges you to examine your life by asking hard questions?  A friend who you know loves you and wants the best for you, is great at helping you keep it real, and who provokes you to grow?

Yeah, I've got a few precious friends like that too.  My friend Laura has been asking some tough--but great--questions in the comment section in the last few weeks about moving with children.  This one was my favorite.

Still praying for you and would love an update on how your oldest are thinking/dealing with all this (and how you are including them or not in this process).

So the other night I sat down with my teenagers and played journalist, interviewing them about the move, their feelings, things they've learned, what they wish we had done differently, etc. (I must say, it was actually kind of fun and I can't help but think they are really NEAT kids!)

Q:  What have you learned from this whole experience?
B:  It hasn't been easy, but it has given me the experience to see God's faithfulness and that He's trustworthy, which gives me HOPE for the future.  I think of Romans 5:3-5 "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also:  knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience experience; and experience, hope:  And hope maketh not ashamed, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given to us."
D:  This world isn't everything, don't get too comfortable.  I think we can get too comfortable--to the point we don't long for heaven and we call this world "home."  It makes me ask myself "What do I value?"  Is it this life so I don't need to grow and this is good enough?  Or is it God's plan so that His vision affects how I live.

Q:  What has been the hardest thing about this whole process?
B:  Grasping the reality.  It was especially hard when we were in-between, not knowing where we were going.  It's hard to get used to something new when you don't know what new is.  And it's hard to say goodbye when you aren't leaving yet--you feel a need for closure.
D:  Leaving the farm.  And leaving people I admire and respect like Jeff (a man from church), Karen (his violin instructor) and Twila (his piano teacher).  (And may I insert that he has incredible discernment as these people are all worthy of his great respect--they are all fascinating people!)


Q:  What has been the best part of this experience?
B:  We're together.  We're going as a family, with the people I love best.

Q:  Think about the way we (mom and dad) handled this whole situation.  What do you wish we had done differently?  What did we do that you liked?
B:  Well, we knew you were the leaders and you would make the final decision, but you were open with what was going on and we felt included.  I think you had the right balance.

Q:  Describe your feelings about moving.
B:  I think at first I was numb.  I was just surprised and shocked.  My friends would cry, and I felt bad about not crying.  I was just matter-of-fact about it.  I mean, I was also sad, but I just didn't see the point of wallowing in it, I had to move on.  Now that the move is over, I have some excitement and anticipation for "what happens next?"
D:  Overwhelmed.  But learning to take one thing, one day, at a time.

Q:  What advice would you give parents who are going through a similar situation as far as how to deal with it with their kids?
B:  Stay optimistic.  Focus on hope and thanksgiving and count your blessings.  Enumerate (giggle, she is my daughter!) God's provisions.
D:  Be open with information.
B:  You don't have to act like you have it all together.  It helps the kids relate because they are feeling the uncertainty, and it helps them to know they're not alone.
D:  Keep the proper attitude.  "What's right is what's best."  (I had to think about his little aphorism for a few minutes, but upon reflection, I think he's got a great point.)

So, there you have it, Laura!  We handled it the only way we knew--with honesty and prayer.  I'm glad in hindsight that they felt secure through the whole experience, because even as they knew we didn't always know the next step, they knew that we believed God would take care of us all.  Really, that's one of the main lessons I want them to learn in this life:  people are fallible, don't rely on mom and dad because we WILL fail you.  God alone is our Rock and our Salvation.  So my piece of advice after going through this is the same as my most important piece of parenting advice:  point them to the cross.  That's what it's all about.

What's in My Book Basket?

This post is actually 100% for me because I seem to be having a hard time remembering what I'm reading lately.  I'm going to put it all together in this post so I can come back and remind myself what I'm doing.  

Yes, something is wrong with my brain and my ability to focus--too much going on!

 

• Beyond Opinion by Ravi Zacharias:  I'm reading this because it's the January selection for Carrie's Book Club.  I was intimidated--it's a deep book about defending our faith and living our faith and the writers are waaaay smarter than I am.  I will confess that I have only read the introduction and the first two chapters, but it's actually a great book and I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would.  I can only read it when kiddos are sleeping and when I have a chunk of time to really get into it (reminiscent of Crime and Punishment) because my brain isn't accustomed to working quite this hard, but once I get into it, I'm finding it readable and thought-provoking.  You can see the table of contents here to appreciate what great things I'm getting to learn about even as I'm not promising I will have it finished by the end of the month.

• The Holy Bible:  I'm continuing the "Read through the Bible chronologically in 182 days" challenge and very much enjoying it.  This is a really fun way to get an overview of the big picture again, and I'm enjoying the way "trivial" facts are standing out to me by reading a larger portion at once.  For example, this is the first time I've realized that Uriah the Hittite was one of David's closest "valiant men" (we all tend to remember him as the guy that got sent to his death in the front lines so no one would know David had gotten his wife pregnant).  I am also appreciating the way this schedule interweaves the psalms David wrote with the accounting of the history in Samuel and Chronicles.  Fascinating--really adds to the big picture.  Finally, I am reading the Bible in the English Standard translation--a translation I am unfamiliar with, so that also makes the reading fresh for me and my temptation to skim over verses I've memorized in the past is removed since I didn't memorize them in this translation. 

• Loving the Little Years:  Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic:  Okay, I'm going to just get the negative out of the way right off the bat.  This book is too short!  Yep, that's my big complaint.  It's requiring a great deal of discipline to savor this book in small bites.  The author is the mother of five kiddos five and under (one set of twins) and she truly has a gift.  I'm finding this book to be 1) very encouraging, 2) funny, and 3) surprisingly insightful.  What a little gem!  If you are a "mother of littles", trust my promise that you will love this breath of fresh air.

• What I Learned in Narnia by Douglas Wilson:  I could rave about this book, but will save that for a better review later.  We started back to school this week and the big kids have been applying their worldview studies to an in-depth analysis of CS Lewis's worldview as evidenced in the Chronicles of Narnia.  We're having a blast!!  My kiddos are so smart and insightful and NEAT! (Whoops, that just slipped out!)  Anyway, we're sharing Wilson's book together--great times!

• And to continue the Lewis theme, Alan, the big kids and I are also enjoying "The Screwtape Letters" together.  I'm having so much more fun with this reading than I did the first time I read it--homeschooling high school truly IS a reward for sticking with it all the other years. 

• Organize for a Fresh Start:  Embrace Your Next Chapter in Life by Susan Fay West:  I started reading this as something of a joke because those who know me well know organizing my home is not exactly my strongest talent (a-hem).  But I've actually found it rather interesting and at 32% of the way through it (hey, it was free for my Kindle, what can I say??!) I am getting some good ideas as we prepare to move.  Don't expect anything *too* major, but small steps count, right?!

Okay, there--phew!  This is not a list of books I hope to read; these are the books I am currently reading.  I *must* finish them before I get to start any other books. (Ha! We'll see how that works out!)