Flying True

In the spirit of recording "stones of remembrance", I am going to preserve this story so I can review it on days I'm tempted to become weary on this parenting journey or to doubt that anything I'm trying to teach is getting through.  The last several months have been rather challenging for me in this arrow-launching season, as I've alluded to, and this experience my daughter recounted for me as she grows in and lives out her faith just seemed an affirmation for this weary mama's heart.

Briana wanted to make a trip to her old employer, Jaarsma, for some donuts
when she came over to celebrate her birthday last night.

Briana, who turned 20 years old today, is "out on her own" now, renting an apartment, working as a clerk for a representative at the state capitol Monday through Thursday, and also as a CNA for a hospital Friday and Saturday.  She is thoroughly loving this season of life and enjoys both of her jobs very much.

All the kids were more than happy to oblige her request.

While working at the capitol a couple weeks ago, however, she had an interesting conversation with a lady whose desk is near hers--a 50-something, female, Democrat representative.  Briana got to know her last year and found her likable and servant-oriented even while observing that the two of them had drastically different worldviews and thus political ideologies.  I will insert here that while this woman seems to like Briana, she also doesn't seem to understand her or our family and our choices.  When we met her, I felt rather like an odd specimen under a microscope in her gaze.

Their conversation started with the representative's statement that she thinks prostitution should be legalized. As they discussed it, Briana noted that she feared legalizing prostitution would look as though they, the government, condoned the practice while the representative contended that women were willing participants, no one was hurt by their trade, and it was just filling up the jails.  Briana rebutted that many of these women have been trafficked initially, are victims of childhood abuse, and asked "what about the wives of the men who hire them?"

As their discussion continued, they agreed that the government can't legislate morality.  Briana summarized that those involved in government can be tempted to think they can use laws to try to make people do what is right, but "really the law can't do that, only Jesus can."

To which the representative added "or whatever religion you believe in."  She then proceeded to detail her thoughts on how all religions are basically the same, all are good, and as long as you believe in something, that's all that matters and that makes you a good person.  She gave the example of a fellow representative who is Muslim and does many good things in government that help people.  Briana listened to her, realizing that she was a religious pluralist (Briana's assessment, chuckle), and tried to figure out where this woman was coming from and how she had developed this belief.

Finally Briana asked a pointed (and in my opinion, brilliant) question:  "I'm confused.  You're saying it doesn't matter which religion you believe in.  Do you mean in this life, or after you die?"

"Oh, in this life," the representative immediately and confidently asserted.  "I have no idea what happens after we die."

Briana told me later that this is when she had her lightbulb understanding of this woman's worldview.  She continued listening patiently and kindly to the representative who continued explaining her thoughts that as long as people believe in a higher power of some kind it will prompt them to live a good life and serve others, which is all that matters.

When she was finished, Briana gently but firmly stated:  "I hear what you are saying, but I want to make sure you understand that I don't agree.  Jesus said in the Bible 'I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No man comes to the Father but by me' and that's what I believe."

They ended the discussion amicably, but a couple days later the representative approached Briana.

"I really enjoyed our conversation the other day," she said.  "You know what, you've inspired me to read the New Testament."

As Briana finished her story, she said "So, I'm praying for her, Mom.  You can pray for her too if you want.  I'm trusting that the word of God will not return void."

This girl and her bold but gentle faith!  I'm telling you, I would have been intimidated by this older, accomplished, feminist woman--especially at the tender age of almost-20.  I'm certain I would not have handled this conversation so well. I am both challenged and encouraged by this daughter of mine as her faith is being honed and growing.

My Epiphany

I was excited when a facebook friend posted about an opportunity to go through Beth Moore's revised "Breaking Free" study.  I had planned to lead a group of friends through a study of I Corinthians starting in January, but was feeling overwhelmed with life in general, let alone leading a study on top of it all.  So I asked the ladies if they wanted to go to this with me instead.  Only two of them expressed an interest, and all agreed that it wasn't a great time to do the study of Corinthians.

The day of the study, the two friends I thought would go with me decided not to go.  Kiana had a commitment with her tumbling group 30 minutes west of us and Easton had a commitment with his Lego League team in the same town as the study.  Alan and I chose to divide and conquer, he took Kiana and the two little ones while I planned to take Easton to Lego League from 4:30-6:30, then keep him with me for the study from 6:30-8:30.  I started feeling guilty, knowing Alan would be home about 7 and need to get supper and everything for the other three kids, so I thought about going home to help him instead of going to the study.  But no, I really did want to do this study.

So I went to the building only to find the parking lot completely full with cars lining both sides of the street.  "Ugh," I thought, "there are lots of people here. I don't know these people. . .no one is expecting me.  Easton is sitting here with only a string cheese, granola bar, and clementine for supper. Maybe I should just go home."  I finally decided just to go, I had already bought the study guide and I really WAS looking forward to digging into it.

I share all this to remind myself and to illustrate how I almost didn't even go.  I almost didn't even go to the study.

When the teaching started, I thought it was interesting that we turned right to Judges 6 with Gideon.  I had already read about him in my Bible reading that morning!  Interesting. . .

Beth expanded on the passage by explaining how the Israelites were being oppressed by the Midianites, bearing the yoke of slavery, and how we need to seek freedom as "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1).  She outlined what oppression looks like and I wrote down several quotes:

• Anytime you are preoccupied by destructive thoughts, you are in a stronghold.  
• Bondage is anything that hinders us from the fullness God calls us to be, anything undermining the abundant life God has for you.

Beth is a word person, so she camped on two words from the passage, saying the goal of the oppressor is to make us:

• Unproductive (vs. 3-4) which from the original Hebrew means ruin, corrupt, lose, spill, waste.  In the KJV terminology, the oppressors "destroyed the increase".  She asked us "When's the last time you told yourself you put all that work into it and it came to nothing?  When did you give in to failure so you wouldn't have to suffer defeat again?"
• Impoverished (vs. 6)--which from the original Hebrew means bring low, dry up, be emptied, not be equal, failure, be impoverished.  She summarized "If you've been feeling like a failure, you are in oppression."

Well, this had my attention, that's for sure!  I had indeed been preoccupied by destructive thoughts these last several weeks, and they were the words she was saying almost verbatim!

She continued through the study, making points like "God stands to get much glory from making mighty warriors out of the least likely" and admonishing us not to become cynical asking "Where are his wonderful deeds?" (vs. 13) when we don't see fruit right away.  She reminded us "whatever we may end up setting on the altar will be wholly received by God.  Don't be scared of what you have to give up--it is so you will be free to receive what He has to give you.  Don't be scared of what you'll give up, be scared of what you'll miss if you don't."

Tears ran down my cheeks all the way home from the study.  I had been praying and praying, asking if I should even continue homeschooling, if it was worth it, if I was even doing a good job.  I really didn't want to do it anymore because of the feelings and destructive thoughts filling my mind.  But Alan said he really thought we needed to continue, so I was continuing in obedience to him even as I still had my own doubts.  But I felt like this was God answering my prayers.  Homeschooling is not for everyone, I'm certainly not saying that.  But as I went through the study, I knew that it is for our family--still.

I also had my eyes opened that those thoughts, those lies and accusations that were haunting my thoughts, were from the devil. . .oppression  He works through accusations (Revelation 12:10) and lies (John 8:44) and he prowls around like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour (I Peter 5:8).  I had certainly been preoccupied by destructive thoughts, unproductive, and impoverished.

Since that study, I have had such peace and stillness instead of stress, torment, and worry.  I'll do my part in obedience and rest in Him as He alone gives the increase.  I'm looking forward to these next ten weeks in the Word and can't wait to see what He teaches me.

The Season I Almost Moved to Australia

It was a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY.

I almost moved to Australia.

Well, okay, not really.  But I almost convinced myself I was a big, fat failure and was just wasting my time homeschooling my children.

I texted my husband:  "I feel like a failure.  And I want a different job."

I got on "long-name-amazing-results" for my region and started looking for jobs.  Not. even. kidding.

I *almost* called our local school district to see what their scope and sequence is for kindergarten, second, and third grades to see how it compares to where we are.

I really did call our local christian school to see when their new semester starts and how much it would cost to send my middle three children.

I wasn't ENJOYING homeschooling anymore.  I used to really enjoy it.  Planning lessons was fun.  Seeing the light bulb when the children understood a new concept was fun.  Organizing track and field days, musicals, PE, softball, and cooperative classes with area homeschoolers was fun and invigorating.  Going to homeschool conferences with other homeschooling moms, making my MOTH schedule, reading books about educational philosophies was all just a ton of fun.

Now I'm tired.  I'm tired in general, and I'm tired of doing this.  I'm tired of teaching the same old things.  I'm tired of enforcing schedules and chore times and reminding children to "Focus. Sit still. Pay attention."

I wonder what it would be like to be "Just Mom."  To exclaim over the projects they do at school and listen to the excitement in their voices as they tell me about what they've learned.  That someone else taught them.

I've been haunted by feelings of failure.  Things don't always go just the way I want them to, or always imagined they would.  I'm not sure I'm doing a good job anymore.  Different kids learn differently.  I'm older and have a lot of kids in different and difficult seasons.  I feel like I've invested so much of myself and my time and all that work, and for what?  I don't feel like investing even more just for more failure and heartbreak.

I spent a few weeks in that place.  I cried a little every day, and cried some more every time I talked to my husband about these feelings.  He was patient.  He listened, he prayed with me and for me.

But he said he wanted us to continue homeschooling.  He asked how he could help share the load and he pitched in.  He sent me encouraging emails from work such as the following verse:

with a short note:

"Thinking of you and remembering how much I trust what you are doing for our family.  You keep us fed, clothed, healthy, and taught.  I have confidence in the teaching you are doing.  Thanks for pouring your heart into our children."

Then a friend posted on facebook about a ladies' Bible study that was about to begin.

To be continued. . .

He Is Faithful; He Will Do It

I love the idea of recording lessons the Lord is teaching me as "stones of remembrance" to remind me how faithful He has been in the past and thus how faithful He surely will be in the future.

He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.  I Thessalonians 5:24
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.  Hebrews 10:23

I've experienced a series of events recently which led to my realization of how the Lord is working in my life these last couple years and I don't want to forget this lesson.

I had the opportunity to attend a Ladies' Day a couple weeks ago where the topic was about recognizing and using our gifts.  The day was quite practical in nature and the teachers asked us to examine our own gifts and also to help one another identify her gifts.  Most of my gifts, unsurprisingly, involved people. I came away challenged and inspired to exercise my gifts of encouraging people, mentoring younger women, teaching and studying the Bible with ladies, and creating or taking advantage of opportunities to rally a group of people to study, serve others, or work together.

Frankly, as the next couple days passed, I became more discouraged than inspired.  I felt like I wasn't using my gifts; I felt like in some ways wasn't even being allowed to use those gifts.

So I spent an afternoon studying and praying.  I read Romans 12 and the admonition in verse 6 that as we each have gifts given to us, "let us use them".  I personalized passages in my journal like the following:

Ephesians 2:10--I am created for good works which God prepared beforehand for me to walk in.
I Peter 4:10-11--As I have received a gift, I must use it to serve others.  My gifts are provided by God's supply and are for God's glory through Jesus.

As I continued studying and meditating, I realized the Lord has provided opportunities to use my gifts, even if I'm not using them in quite the same way or with the same people I've used them in the past. Some of the opportunities He has been providing for me include:

• I was invited to study the life of Mary, the mother of Jesus, and share what I learned with a group of ladies at a Ladies' Day in Kansas City back in October.
• It has been two years since two younger women asked me to teach them how to use freezer cooking in the managing of their homes.  In that time, more and more ladies have popped in and out of our freezer cooking days until I've had the privilege of developing friendships with at least seven younger women.  Our time together includes many life discussions such as budgeting, child rearing, marriage, faith walk, etc. and we have all been richly blessed by our time together.
• I've had opportunities to gather several women from my homeschooling community in Bible studies and book discussions as well as joint efforts in educating our children.
• As my husband served as president of the board for the local crisis pregnancy center, he enlisted my aid in organizing their first banquet fundraiser, rounding up people to host tables and invite others, taking care of advertising and promotion, and behind-the-scenes organization.

I wasn't out looking for any of these opportunities, and didn't really even think of them as "using my gifts".  But the Lord provided the right set of circumstances for my gifts to be used even when I was feeling stifled.  I realized the Lord is not limited by human weaknesses, but will use us in His way and in His timing.

How Could I Worry?

As we continue through this season of my husband's job change, several people have asked me how we're doing and if we're "ok". Sometimes I feel like I should be worried or scared. Well, truthfully, sometimes I *do* feel worried or scared, but as God just keeps providing, I wonder *how* I could worry! I know the promise that "my God will supply every need according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19), and I've seen Him meet every need--even sometimes before I was aware of the need!--so how do I entertain even a moment's concern?

I find myself thinking about (and relating to) the Israelites. God provided for them, protected them, and delivered them time and time again, yet the Old Testament is full of examples of them worrying, complaining, or taking things into their own hands. I am comforted that God "remembers we are dust" (Psalm 103:14) so He knows we will sometimes focus on our fears rather than His past provisions. I think surely that is why He told his people to establish "stones of remembrance" so they would be comforted and reminded by His past provision when they faced a new (metaphoric) river to cross.
Joshua 4:20-22: And Joshua set up at Gilgal the twelve stones they had taken out of the Jordan. He said to the Israelites, "In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, 'What do these stones mean?' Tell them, 'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground'" (NIV).

As this journey is more than a month old now, we've encountered some corners, but God has been around each bend. Alan was able to find a temporary job building powerline, which is what he originally went to school to do. A short time into the project, however, the other three members of the crew failed a drug test and were fired. Safety guidelines don't allow working with electricity alone, so he was supposed to be out of work until another crew could finish its project and come to complete this one.

He's a worker, however, of the ambitious and self-motivated type. He pointed out some work that needed done, such as cleaning and maintaining trucks, hauling equipment, and framing some poles so the work would go faster once the new crew arrived. The boss agreed that he could put in some hours on those tasks if he wanted to, so during that three weeks time when he should have had *no income*, he was able to work 68 hours. The payment he earned for those 68 hours covered all of our costs for the next few weeks with $18.11 to spare!!! When we finished working on the budget and paying the bills and realized how God had provided such a precise amount to meet our needs, we just stared at one another, amazed and humbled.

That is a boulder to add to our 'stones of remembrance'.

Then there's our envelope. When Alan sold a bunch of "junk" from cleaning up around the farm and brought over $200 home, we tucked it away in an envelope for "later, just in case." That envelope for "later, just in case" is getting fatter and fatter--and it's all clearly blessing from the Lord.

• A neighbor called (he called us, we didn't call him, we weren't looking for this) wondering if he could put his cows in our (harvested) corn field for a couple months and offered $300 in return.
• Alan had previously been invited to share a lesson at another congregation and received a generous thank you gift.
• Alan received a random call to help a moving company unload a moving van. The mover was so impressed with his quick and efficient work, he generously reimbursed Alan for the time and commented that he wished he could find such workers more often.
• He was asked to lead the singing/worship service for a "homecoming" of a former congregation we met with and received a monetary gift in appreciation.

Even as the Lord has provided these extras, He has simultaneously provided for our immediate needs. We have not dipped into this envelope because He keeps providing just enough work for Alan to do to take care of his family. We keep thinking this envelope will provide during an "in-between" time when there is no income, but the need hasn't arisen. Isn't that amazing??!!

Stones of remembrance. . .

Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen,
and named it Ebenezer, saying,
"Thus far the LORD has helped us."
I Samuel 7:12

That's enough, right? I mean, surely, that's enough. But wait, there's more! That tax return, that pesky little tax return that we've been counting on to pay off the balance of our adoption loan. . .well, it was delayed again and again. We filed our taxes back in February or March, then received notice that they wanted to examine each individual expense and needed us to send receipts and every documentation possible to receive approval by June. So we compiled and copied everything and sent it in and they kept moving the confirmation date back. Our most recent date to find out if they approved our expenses was October 14. We called them on Monday to learn. . .

our documentation is approved,
(they believe we really did adopt a child last year),
and the tax return will be in our bank account
by October 31 (with interest)!!

Do you see how amazing our God is? His timing and His provision never cease to amaze me. By November 1, our adoption loan should be completely paid off. It could have been far earlier, but apparently it needs to be now--in the midst of this journey.

It's not an easy journey, and not one that my selfish heart would have chosen over previous security and comfort. But it's a root-building journey, a faith-growing journey, and the Lord is showing Himself as He leads us through it. I recently read the following passage in a new-to-me translation and it really spoke to my heart. May I trust in the Lord, making him my hope and confidence. May my roots reach deep into His life-giving water so I won't be bothered or worried nor ever stop producing fruit.

Blessed are those who trust in the LORD
and have made the LORD their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8, NLT