Metaphorically Speaking

Deuteronomy chapter 8 has been standing out to me the last several days. 

remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. (from verse 2)

 <sup>Moses was talking to the children of Israel at this time about their literal sojourn in the wilderness, but I think there are still principles from their experience that apply to my life.  It hasn't been a literal wilderness, but it's been a time of both wondering and wandering.  It hasn't been forty years, but it's been long enough to get the lesson across.


God has used these last several months to humble us, to remind us (yet again) that we are not in control.  He has tested us to know what was in our hearts.  Do we choose to serve him, or ourselves?  Do we choose to serve him or mammon (money, materialism, earthly pursuits and possessions)?</sup> 

³ And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. ⁴  Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that, as a man disciplines his son, the Lord your God disciplines you.  

<sup>He has provided.  Over and over and over again.  He let us hunger, let us get to a place where we knew our need for him, and then he provided in ways we never would have even known to expect.  He has provided our needs both physically and spiritually.  Manna indeed.  All his provisions ultimately underline the fact that we do not live by material needs alone, but by the Word of God.

I am so thankful for God's testing and for His discipline/teaching/correction/instruction.  It is evidence of His love for me--that He has adopted me--that I am His child and thus a recipient of His discipline toward holiness.  I look forward to the "peaceable fruit of righteousness" this teaching will work in my life (Hebrews 12).</sup>

⁶ So you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and by fearing him.⁷ For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, ⁸ a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, ⁹ a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. ¹⁰ And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land he has given you.

We are starting to get a glimpse of this new land and the Lord's purpose for us here.  In just two short months He has provided us with multiple opportunities to share what He has done in our lives.  We have been blessed to minister to and pray for a couple beginning the adoption journey.  We have fielded questions from three different christian families who are looking into homeschooling their children as they seek to raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.  Five books on these topics are loaned off of my bookshelves where they can benefit others and our story and experiences are being used to God's glory to encourage others that God will provide as we step out in faith and obedience.  We are learning more about the pregnancy crisis center in our new town and of its great need for support as the Planned Parenthood also in this town continually increases business and "services" and considering what our role might be.

For you see, a "good land", a land with great fruitfulness and fullness and without lack, doesn't necessarily mean of land of great physical richness in my mind.  A good land is a place where WE will be fruitful.  A place where we can be used and God can be glorified.  A place where God fills us with purpose, with the good works he has prepared in advance for us to do.

¹¹ “Take care lest you forget the Lord your God by not keeping his commandments and his rules and his statutes, which I command you today, ¹²  lest, when you have eaten and are full and have built good houses and live in them, ¹³ and when your herds and flocks multiply and your silver and gold is multiplied and all that you have is multiplied, ¹⁴  then your heart be lifted up, and you forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery, ¹⁵ who led you through the great and terrifying wilderness, with its fiery serpents and scorpions and thirsty ground where there was no water, who brought you water out of the flinty rock, ¹⁶ who fed you in the wilderness with manna that your fathers did not know, that he might humble you and test you, to do you good in the end. ¹⁷ Beware lest you say in your heart, ‘My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this wealth.’ ¹⁸ You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you power to get wealth, that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day. ¹⁹ And if you forget the Lord your God and go after other gods and serve them and worship them, I solemnly warn you today that you shall surely perish. ²⁰ Like the nations that the Lord makes to perish before you, so shall you perish, because you would not obey the voice of the Lord your God.

 May we ever remember who we are, that we are dust, and never be overtaken by pride thinking *we* are the source of our fruitfulness or our blessings.  Unlike the Israelites, may we never forget the Lord and what He has done but rather, choose to obey Him.  May we never be distracted from pursuing His glory wherever we are.

Count it All Joy

I've got my joy back. 

The last few months have not been easy or comfortable.  I was thinking the other night that I would compare this season of my life to rock climbing, or at least how I imagine rock climbing to be.

A cliff has been before me and I set upward in obedience.  The way is rocky, filled with obstacles to climb over and weak ledges to avoid.  Yet I know I am safe, for my Father has me in a harness and is the One on the other end of the rope.  He has gone before me and provided each foothold.  All I have to do is trust Him and continue on.  So I've continued, learning trust, perseverance and endurance.  One step at a time, seeing the footholds He just keeps providing and trustingly placing my foot here, then there.

Yet something has been lacking.  It's one thing to continue on in obedience and perseverance; it's quite another to consider it a joy.  Last week the sun broke out around me.  I was still on that cliff, that rock face, but I felt the sunshine on my back and on my face.  In my heart.  Or had it been there all along and my eyes were closed, my focus closed to its warmth as I concentrated on just getting through?

This week I rest inside a little cavern within that Rock.  He spread a table before me and anointed my head with oil.  My cup overflows.

My study of James reminded me that joy is a choice.  God is its source, obedience provides opportunity, but it is left up to me to consider it joy--to count it all JOY.

We're Home, Come Tour Our House

We are moved, we're getting settled, and I finally have internet access! :)  Since I haven't taken pictures since we moved in, here are some pictures of our house before our 'stuff' is added.  It's a bungalow-style house rather like the house we lived in (which I loved) next to my friend Cindy for those of you who knew that house.

As you walk in the front door (pictured on the left) you come into a large living room.  I have this divided into two 'areas' and I love it!  The area I'm standing in to take the picture has a cozy little corner with a bookshelf, the entertainment center, and the sectional couch forming a little square.  The area in front of the fireplace is not yet finished, but I have a vision of an area rug, a vintage love seat (found it at a used furniture store and am doing the Dave Ramsey thing by pretending I don't want it as badly as I do hoping they will accept my offer, giggle, kinda fun) facing the fireplace, two overstuffed chairs on either side to form a little square with a big ottoman in the middle.  That's right, folks, this is my "book nook" just waiting for a friend to come over, kick the feet up on the ottoman, eat chocolate, and discuss some great read in front of the fireplace!

Then the door beside the fireplace leads into a sunroom which boasts another fireplace.  It's not a large room, and I didn't get a good picture of it, but this might give you an idea.  I was facing the east here, and there are windows all along the east, south, and west sides of the room.  This room is our hobby room and I am deliriously excited about it.  The piano and violin are stored and practiced in this room, and I have a 'sewing table' picked out (also at the used furniture store) to place along that east wall for Briana to set up her crafts or for Destry to build his Titanic model or with Legos and other activities which need protection from little hands.  The hobby room is for Briana and Destry to pursue their many interests.

The dining room just might be my favorite room in the house.  I think the woodwork is stunning and the built-ins like the buffet are like little treasures scattered throughout the house. 

 Below is one of the beautiful built-in storage cupboards in the hallway.

 

The kitchen is filled with cupboards and storage.  This house is so homey and full of character.  If it was on fifteen acres, I think we would be begging our landlords to sell it to us!

 

The girls got the upstairs bedroom along with most of the toys.  We've already had friends come over to visit and they had fun playing upstairs and sliding down the stairway on their bellies.

 These are the only rooms I took pictures of, but it will give you an idea and I'll try to get more pictures later this week.

I am feeling especially blessed today as the Lord has been providing so many welcoming opportunities for us.  I have connected with some great ladies from the local homeschool group and the children thoroughly enjoyed a skating party yesterday afternoon.  We are being richly blessed, welcomed, and encouraged by our new church family and Alan's job is very enjoyable and stress-free for him.  I have been so touched by all those who have welcomed us, invited us into their homes, brought us food, helped us unload and unpack, brought us cookies and a friendly smile. . .

Lessons in Limbo, Part 2

Quick note:  we got safely moved in and had more friends and family helping us pack, load, and unload than I even realize I had!  And we are still being fed from the meals people brought us--I haven't cooked a meal yet!!  My internet, however, won't be hooked up until Friday, so you have to wait to see pictures of our house.  Meanwhile, I'm popping into the library to publish a couple drafts I've had sitting in the drafts folder.  Can't wait to catch up with my bloggy friends!)

I've been sharing recently a few of the lessons I've been learning in our recent season of job change.  I've referred to this season as a time in "limbo."  Now when I used that word, limbo, my understanding of the definition was something like "an in-between time, a time of uncertainty and being 'up in the air'."  (I didn't realize Limbo also refers to a Catholic doctrine of souls in an eternal state which is neither heaven nor hell--I learn something every day!)  But I think this very misnomer is the greatest lesson I have learned in this whole journey.

For you see, there is no such thing as "limbo" in our lives.  This. is. my. life.  Each day, each hour, each minute that I have is my life.  There is no such thing as a pause button from our lives.  I think we are inclined to see times of struggle or uncertainty, waiting or pain as a break from real life and eagerly anticipate our lives "getting back to normal."  We humans truly prefer comfort and stability and would like to rest in the sameness and security of life's routines.  If we had it our way, we would stay in the same house in the same neighborhood at the same job with the same friends with our same good health and prosperity and perhaps with our view of God relegated to His same little box where He is compartmentalized from the rest of our life.  But in His goodness, sometimes He shakes up our little comfort zones and reminds us who we are without Him.

Just as I was beginning to get this lesson, a friend posted a quote from CS Lewis on her blog:

The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own' or 'real' life.  The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life-the life God is sending one day by day:  What one calls one's "real life" is a phantom of one's imagination.  C.S. Lewis

I didn't learn this lesson gracefully.  As I look back over these past four months, I can see areas where I dropped the ball as I subconsciously put my life on pause.  I told myself I would work on this character issue my child is having "once we got settled".    I let the budget go "until Alan got settled into a new job."  I postponed my weight-loss diet and put off some responsibilities while we were "out of our normal routine."

But the fact is, I am given today and I must redeem this time.  When we are in times of transition I've learned we must "do the next thing."  Whether we're preparing to move, experiencing illness, suffering the loss of a loved one, having a difficult pregnancy or sleepless nights with a newborn or changing jobs, these are the days of our lives.  It's tempting to try to live for the future thinking it will be easier when. . . (whatever your situation might be.)

If I had it to do over again, I would like to appreciate each day, address the immediate needs of that day, and look for ways to serve others rather than becoming consumed with what's going on in my own life.  There's enough going on each day, both enough to take care of and enough to appreciate, without losing today in concern for tomorrow.  As Matthew 6:34 says “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

As much as this season hasn't been easy, it has been a time of growth and learning and I wouldn't trade these lessons for anything.  This is the day which the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.  (Psalm 118:24)

Things are Moving

Would you believe there are 63 boxes of books packed in this house?  But please keep that a secret or our friends and family who have offered to help us load and unload the moving van may just back out!

There are piles of boxes all over our house--both upstairs and down.  The house looks bare and the piles of boxes make it feel even less like home.  Fortunately, we are moving this weekend and I am ready to get settled somewhere else.

 The ubiquitous (hey, you don't find an excuse to use that word just every day, you know) question, of course, is where.  Well, the Lord neatly answered the debate between Iowa and Illinois as the Illinois position isn't needed until July.  Since we couldn't survive without a paycheck for all those months (and Alan had resigned from his temporary job when he was first offered the job in Colorado) it's north to Iowa we go!

I'm looking forward to spending more time with my nieces and nephews at the science center and zoo and all those fun places and getting to visit with our family more often.  I would say I'm looking forward to decorating the new house, but that would be a lie, so I'll say I'm hoping my sis and sis in law will come and do it and I'll pretend I'm helping! :)  The house we are renting has beautiful woodwork and built in treasures in almost every room of the house and I truly am looking forward to discovering and appreciating each of these finds.  I forgot my camera when we went to look at houses, so I guess those pictures will have to wait until next week.

Learning Lessons in Limbo, Part One

These last four months have been a season of great learning for me.  In some respects, I have felt like my life has been in limbo as we have waited to see what Alan's next job would be, where we would live, whether or not we would sell our farm, etc.  It hasn't always been easy, and I haven't always handled situations as I should have.  But in hindsight, it has been worth every step for the growth which has resulted.

In the spirit of continuing to gather stones of remembrance (for what is the point of learning these lessons if I don't take note of them, remember them, and even share them?!) I am going to use a couple posts to reflect on a few of these lessons God has been impressing upon me.

• Obedience doesn't ensure a physical, earthly reward.

From the very beginning of this ride, when Alan resigned from his job after being directed to break a contract, many have been telling us "God will reward his integrity and he'll get a job even BETTER than the one he had."  I recoiled inwardly at this "prosperity gospel" implication, even as I knew people were only trying to be encouraging.

This philosophy, however, is not at all consistent with what the Bible teaches or what history has shown.  Indeed, people who stood up for what was right have often been persecuted and even killed.  The rest of our lives could be a financial struggle with Alan hopping from one "barely-scraping-by" job to the next and that would not mean God was not faithful.  We are *nowhere* in the Bible promised a life of ease.  Rather, we are promised God will be with us in the suffering as we follow in Christ's path and He will provide peace and joy in the suffering.

Consider, for example, I Peter 2:20-25; 3:15-18; 4:12-19.  I think Paul is also alluding to this in Philippians when he says "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. . .For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him" (1:27, 29).  He doesn't anywhere say "follow Christ and obey Him and then everything is going to work out all peachy and you'll be healthy, happy, and rich."

As I'm revisiting Narnia with my older children, a scene from "The Silver Chair" makes this same point.  As the enchanted knight implores them to release him "in the name of Aslan", which was a sign Aslan himself had given them, they were faced with a choice:

"On the other hand, what had been the use of learning the signs if they weren't going to obey them?. . .
"Do you mean you think everything will come right if we do untie him?" asked Scrubb.
"I don't know about that," said Puddleglum.  "You see, Aslan didn't tell Jill what would happen.  He only told her what to do." (167)

God doesn't tell us what will happen, or even that great things on this earth will reward us for our obedience--He only tells us what to do.

We have to be careful that our faith in God is not contingent on our happiness and ease here on earth.

• Sometimes our minds can be made up in a certain direction and we don't even realize we are not seeking God's leading

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:13)  It's so tempting to seek our own selfish will, our own comfort and ease, rather than seeking God.  This experience has taught me to carefully consider my motivations and the secret desires of my heart which sometimes aren't even known to me.  With David I have plead "Search me, O God, and know my heart:  try me, and know my thoughts:  and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139:23-24).

I think this lesson doesn't just apply when in the decision-making process, but is one to also carefully consider as other people I know may be trying to make decisions.  When giving advice to others it will also be important for me to examine my own motivations behind advice to make sure I am encouraging others to seek God first, to "set (their) affection on things above, not on things of the earth" rather than allowing my own selfish desires to influence what I say to them.

• A season of waiting is a time rife with temptation

When we are in seasons of waiting, uncertainty, and decision-making, it is a time to hold tightly to our faith and seek the Lord's will through Scripture and prayer for this is a time of vulnerability.  There must be an endless list of all the temptations that could grow from a root of unbelief--fear, anxiety, worry, anger, short-temperedness, impatience. . .(not that I have ever struggled with any of these-ha!)  I think CS Lewis  eloquently illustrates this vulnerability in chapter six of "The Screwtape Letters."  To give a little background if you are unfamiliar with this work, the book is a series of letters supposedly written from the perspective of a devil who is trying to teach a younger devil how to most effectively tempt a human and lead him away from God who is portrayed as the devil's "Enemy".

We want him to be in the maximum uncertainty, so that his mind will be filled with contradictory pictures of the future, every one of which arouses hope or fear. There is nothing like suspense and anxiety for barricading a human's mind against the Enemy. He wants men to be concerned with what they do; our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them.

Your patient will, of course, have picked up the notion that he must submit with patience to the Enemy's will. What the Enemy means by this is primarily that he should accept with patience the tribulation which has actually been dealt out to him—the present anxiety and suspense. It is about this that he is to say "Thy will be done", and for the daily task of bearing this that the daily bread will be provided. It is your business to see that the patient never thinks of the present fear as his appointed cross but only of the things he is afraid of.

Let him regard them as his crosses: let him forget that, since they are incompatible, they cannot all happen to him, and let him try to practise fortitude and patience to them all in advance. For real resignation, at the same moment, to a dozen different and hypothetical fates, is almost impossible, and the Enemy does not greatly assist those who are trying to attain it: resignation to present and actual suffering, even where that suffering consists of fear, is far easier and is usually helped by this direct action.

These are just a few of the lessons I've been pondering lately and I have another post started sharing more lessons from this time of "limbo"--namely that the time we might call "limbo" is really not limbo at all, but LIFE!  Stay tuned for part two. . .

A Lump of Clay

I've had a little kids' song going around in my head this week.

He’s still working on me, To make me what I ought to be

It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars, 

the sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars

How loving and patient He must be, He’s still working on me.

There really ought to be, a sign upon my heart

Don’t judge me yet, there’s an unfinished part,

But I’ll be better, just  according to His plan,

Fashioned by the Master’s loving hand.

In the mirror of His Word, reflections that I see,

Make me wonder why He never gives up on me,

But He loves me as I am, And He helps me when I pray,

Remember He’s the Potter, I’m the clay.

The words have just been especially fitting this week as I've finally realized an area in which the Lord is refining me. Yet again, He is so good to file away another piece of my "self" and teach me how he wants me to TRUST HIM by submitting to my husband. (linked to thoughts from *two years ago*) 

I'm actually embarrassed that it takes me so long to get these points the Lord is trying to teach me. There are things that we can understand intellectually, but life just brings about a deeper understanding as we have opportunity to apply the Truths. 

So how has He been teaching me this? It's all woven within Alan's job change. I know to be a submissive wife and a helpmeet and talk all the jargon with the best of them, but inside I still struggle with control issues, selfishness, stubbornness and pride. So, under cover of being a "helper", I have been trying to subtly manipulate our path. Ugh, that sounds just as ugly as it is!  

When he was first invited to Colorado for an interview, I tried to persuade him not to even go.  He had to take time off work (miss pay) to go and it was so far away and I just didn't think it was necessary.  He responded that the Lord had opened that door and it was his job to walk through it and see where it led--and he wanted *me* to come *with* him to be by his side in it.  What you saw was the "submissive wife" who went along with him to support him, but you didn't see the heart's resistance or me trying to talk him out of it.

When we were in Colorado and he got the call offering him a position in Iowa, I again tried to "help." I pulled a notebook out of my handy dandy book bag, opened it to a clean sheet and said "Ok, you tell me the pros and cons and I'll make the lists." I then ever so "helpfully" made additional suggestions of considerations to keep in mind.

And now there's the job offer in Illinois and I've been headed down that familiar, slippery path. It took strep throat, the stomach flu, and a mouth full of canker sores for me to finally realize (for I sincerely believe stress weakens the body's immune system) that I was taking on stress that was not mine to bear. I have a husband who loves the Lord, who seeks to follow Him, and who is also "a lump of clay in the Master Potter's hand." The Lord has provided ample means for my husband to provide for our family--not only physically and financially, but also spiritually. Wherever we go, whatever job he takes, God will lead us, God will provide for us, and best of all, *God will grow us*.

If I truly trust the Lord (as I profess to) then I must trust the systems and chain of authority He set in place. I am now bowing out of trying to influence my husband as he sincerely seeks the Lord and tries to determine what will be best for our family. What a concept, hmmm?

(Here is a version of the children's song 1) just in case you don't know it and want to get it stuck in your head like it is in mine and 2) just because this little girl is so precious and makes me smile.)

What's Up This Week

It's a strange week and it's only Wednesday.

1)  I thought I was going to die--a victim of stomach flu.  I will spare you the details, but it was bad.  I'm still weak and tired and took a three-hour nap today.  I can't believe how sick I was.  Believe it or not, I'm typically a very healthy person, but in the last month I've had both strep throat and the worst flu ever.  Note to self:  get a flu shot next year!

2)  Blogger has changed and posting is a little more complicated and I haven't taken the time to figure it out yet.  Maybe it's not too bad, but I have simply been overwhelmed by "change" lately.

3)  Which leads to point number three--another job opportunity for my hubby!  I'm trying to be thankful for the opportunities and for choice, especially in the current economy.  But the truth is, I'm simply ready to get settled.  This latest opportunity is in Illinois.  It would be a major step in his career but would have more stress than the Iowa job.  Another consideration:  homeschooling laws are much more friendly in IL than in IA.  If we move to IA, I am seriously considering going back to school to get my teacher certification (at least to substitute) just to make it easier in the long run.  What will we do and where will we go?  I have no idea!  

4)  Tyrell is a busy, busy 17-month-old.  He is talking more now and is into absolutely everything.  He absolutely cracks me up, which is further evidence that I'm getting older.  It takes supreme self-control to keep from laughing at him when he needs training.  I mean, look at this face!

 

"Uh, hi mommy!  I was, um, helping you get a paper towel!"

 I see this expression on his face all the time.  This is the look he gives me when he makes a mess, gets into something, or takes a toy away from Easton or Kiana.  Seriously?!  I don't think any of my kids have ever taken toys away as much as this little guy does!  I don't think he really even wants the toy, he just takes it to get a rise out of his OLDER siblings.  Then he looks at me with this face, knowing he's going to be scolded and have to return it.  Then off he toddles to another location of destruction.  And the sound of that toddle--oh how I'm treasuring the quick little pats of those footsteps running through the house.  And the giggles. . .

He plays hard and he crashes hard.  Isn't a sleeping child the most cherished moment of every mama's heart?  Such precious innocence--when you see this picture, you could never imagine why his nickname is "Tornado Teddy"!

What a Ride!

Oh, how I've missed blogging and having access to this outlet for my thoughts! It's been such an interesting week and my mind is whirling with enough fodder for at least five or six posts.

We traveled to Colorado to secure housing for our big move. It's so beautiful there--I simply don't understand how anyone who has seen the majesty of the mountains could doubt the Creator.

We arrived on Wednesday after making a slight detour to meet with some of Kiana's birthfamily. In less than two hours, we had found a house to rent. (Since we don't know the area or the severity of the winter weather, we thought it would be best to rent in town for awhile).

The house is large enough to be comfortable for our family, located in a subdivision on the outside of town beside two empty lots and just ten minutes from Alan's place of employment--all for less than we were expecting to have to pay for a rental property.   It seemed just perfect, yet another opportunity falling beautifully into place.

We were within minutes of signing a lease on the house when Alan got a phone call.  It was from a company located in Iowa with whom he had interviewed a few weeks earlier.  He hadn't expected to hear back from them as they interviewed several people and a couple of them were "in-house" candidates.  Imagine his surprise when this wasn't a call for a second interview (a call they had implied he might receive), but rather it was a job offer!

Such a crazy situation, and a surprisingly difficult decision!  On the one hand, all of our family lives in Iowa--within one hour of this job, in fact.  Our children's birthfamilies are mostly located in the Midwest and we think it's important for them to be able to maintain their relationships which would be easier if we lived closer.  We are also already familiar and comfortable with churches in this area--a factor we were finding discouraging in Colorado.

On the other hand, our brief trips to Colorado had already excited us with its opportunities to share the Lord's love with people who need Him.  This affluent area seems to worship money, materialism, and recreation rather than God.  As a consequence, drugs are common, the suicide rate is reportedly twice the national average, and Planned Parenthood has a flourishing presence. 

I also had the opportunity to attend a planning meeting with the local homeschool group and was excited at the many educational opportunities.  The ladies were really neat people, full of energy and great ideas and  they really seemed to like me as they welcomed me enthusiastically.  There were several kids the ages of my older kids and I already had several leads for highly respected violin and piano instructors.

I don't know much about homeschooling in Iowa, or about support groups in the area, but I do know the laws in Iowa are considerably more regulatory and I have been quite spoiled with Missouri's attitude toward parental rights.  I'm not looking forward to learning and submitting to these changes.  I'm also, quite honestly, a little afraid of living *too close* to family.  While we are very close (relationally) to our families and have enjoyed living within three hours of all parents and siblings. . .well, we rather enjoyed the independence of also being about two hours from family at the same time.  I can't deny there have been times I rather envied  friends who have siblings or parents just down the road when they are sick or need to go to the doctor or dentist or just plain need a little support in the form of a couple hours' break--because I've never had that in nearly sixteen years of parenting.  At the same time, I have observed grandparents take on parenting roles, cousins become more competitive than friendly, and siblings just a little too involved in one another's daily lives than what seems healthy to me so I decided I would be content with the great relationships I have with my family and suffer through OB/GYN visits with my children in tow.

But now we had a choice between 14 hours from family or less than one hour.  We had a choice between not knowing where we would find church family and already having friends within a prospective congregation.  There seemed to be an obvious "responsible" decision.

The timing of the call was amazing.  We were literally within minutes of signing a lease.  Is it presumptuous to think of the story of Abraham when God tested him to see if he would withhold his son or give everything to God?  We wondered if God had asked us to trust Him, to step out on faith, to surrender everything--our farm, our family, our friends, our church family--all that was familiar.  And then when He saw that we were willing, that we trusted Him to provide, well, then he "called" and stopped the hand from signing on the dotted line and gave it all back.

It seems to us that both choices are "good"--God has given us the liberty to decide and we will be within His will wherever we go.  A part of my heart still leans toward Colorado as I think of the early church being scattered to spread the good news rather than clustered where it is comfortable or easy.  Then again, I have to admit that some of the appeal might be in the sense of adventure and something "different" as I have lived in the Midwest all my life.  As my sister observed after some time travel nursing "it's fun for awhile, maybe a year, but then you'd be ready to come back home."  Maybe she's right.  And we certainly need to consider what's best for our children.

So, long story short, we booked it back to Iowa and spent some time looking for a place to live.  There are many options in today's "buyer's market".  Alan is looking forward to this job which sounds just perfect for him, and is flattered as they've clearly expressed how much they want him for this position.  As much as I'm overwhelmed by the quickly-approaching start date, I am also ready to close the chapter on this transitional portion of my life and get settled.

Oh, but never let me forget that these times of uncertainty are the greatest times of growth--and ultimately my desire is to grow in loving and trusting my Lord!  So as tumultuous as the ride has been with its roller-coaster hills and turns, I thank Him for the ride knowing He has been in control every step of the way!

Life-Changing Adventures

I've been enjoying a delightful "escape" series by Lauraine Snelling this month, The Red River series and the subsequent series "Return to Red River." My reading list is almost embarrassing for the month of December with so many Snelling titles on it!
But it's been a good series for me in this season. It's a light, fiction series about two brothers and their families who immigrate from Norway to America in the 1850s. As their life unfolded, I read the many trials and difficulties they faced--but more importantly, the faith with which they faced them. Sometimes they accepted their circumstances with quiet faith, other times they railed against them with bitter anger, but eventually they learned and grew through the hard times. And isn't that what this life is really about?

I read about families who were physically torn apart by their immigration--parents, brothers and sisters never to see one another again. As our families are learning to deal with our 12-hour move (as yes, we are accepting the job offer in Colorado to begin February first), I am reminded at how much easier it is for us in this time period nearly two centuries later. In addition to the ability to travel by plane or car, we have the internet and telephone to maintain our close relationships. Contrast that with their slow mail service which could take three months for a handwritten letter, and I'm counting my blessings!

I recommend this light series any time you want to read something quick and easy that just "takes you away" (such as if your husband is traveling with work and you can't seem to go to bed without him or you have strep throat!) but at the same time will undergird your faith with examples of people's perseverance and faithfulness. All the books are sprinkled with great little nuggets like the one below:

"She had saved so many things to ponder in her heart, to take out and delight in again so many years later, to take out and study, hoping each time to understand, and with understanding, accept. Or is it the other way around? Acceptance first and then understanding, and sometimes still not understanding but rejoicing in the gifts God gives?" (140, Believing the Dream)

It appears she has yet another series for the next generation of this family--dare I begin it?

Decisions, Decisions

We're considering a job offer in Colorado.
It's very beautiful there and the job is an outstanding opportunity for my husband. On the other hand, it's at least a twelve hour drive from our families.
We have just a couple more days to make a final decision.
I've started packing (some of these excess books, of course, ha!) and we are praying continuously.
One thing about it, we know they have at least one delicious restaurant we could take family and friends to should they come and visit.
I didn't use my flash, but this chicken topped with ham and swiss cheese, then asparagus spears and Bearnaise sauce was *almost* as delicious as the house potato which was absolutely a party in my mouth! :)
Leave me a comment if you wanna join us in praying for wisdom and discernment?

Why Do We Do the Things We Do?

My hubby is still working for a contractor, although he is traveling out of state now rather than working locally. He drove some of the equipment to the new job site as he headed out of town last week, so our yard saw the "cool, big trucks" of a lineman's profession for the first time in a long time. All the kiddos had to get lots of hugs and kisses as Daddy headed out, so I snapped a picture of him with his littlest man. (And can I just note that some women are more attracted to the office-worker-attire-wearing-guy, but I am appreciating my man once again strutting his stuff in jeans and lineman boots!)
Whoops, I wandered from my point already!

My POINT is that my husband is gone for a couple weeks and I am learning that there are some aspects to daily life that I apparently do just for Alan. Because I'm not doing them consistently while he's gone.

• For example, I am cooking differently. When he is home, we have a big meal nearly every night. Meat, potatoes and gravy kinds of big meals. Aside from my purposeful efforts these last three meals of chicken fajitas, pork chops and hominy, and hot beef sandwiches, we've been eating a lot of chicken bites, hot dogs, sandwiches, and frozen pizza.

• Then there's making the bed. I personally see no point in making the bed--a person just climbs back in there and messes it all up again the next night anyway, and what guest is going to be in my bedroom to see it messed up? But I have made it every morning for 19 years of marriage. Until this last week--while my husband is gone.

• Speaking of going to bed, I'm not doing that very well either. I just hate climbing in to that cold, lonely bed. What am I supposed to do about my cold feet if I can't tuck them between his always-warm calves to warm them up?? (don't mention socks, I abhor sleeping in socks!) So I keep staying up--too late. Yawn. He rarely stays up past 10:30 pm. I can't seem to make it to bed before midnight without him.

• Normally, when Alan is coming home in the evening, I feel like I spend all day picking up, but we have designated pick up times to keep the house under control. Everyone pitches in for a pick up before lunch and again around 4 pm before Daddy gets home. Then I like things picked up in the evening as everyone is going to bed, or at least before *I* go to bed. Two nights ago I looked at the living room strewn with dolls, vehicles, books, tractors, animals, stacking cups, blankets and A TENT right in the middle of it all. . .and I just shrugged my shoulders as I headed to the couch with a book. Once the midnight hour had sufficiently passed, I again surveyed the living room, decided Tornado Teddy would just dump everything out again first thing in the morning anyway and went to bed!

I have been taking a shower every day, however. Well, except for that one day--I was going to be home all day and I just didn't see the point.

Hurry home, Honey, I need some motivation!

Closing Doors

Well, you know what happens when you pray--God answers! My most recent prayer has been asking for clarity regarding whether or not we will stay in this area. I was just tired of the uncertainty. Do I need to start packing, or what? Wouldn't you know it, the Lord closed three doors within a week!

My hubby has no more applications or resumes out locally. They hired a nuclear engineer to fill one of the jobs he applied for, and the last local possibility decided not to fill the position he had interviewed for and instead divided those responsibilities among three other employees.
And now we've sold the farm--just like that. It looks like in another week we will have the money in hand and the new owners are going to let us rent this house as long as we like. The horses and mules are gone, the sheep will hopefully all be sold Monday, and the hogs are off to market. The Lord is just wrapping things up left and right.
I mean, what do you say to that, right? So now I'm praying we'll soon know where! Meanwhile, I think I'll start packing. It's kind of a weird feeling to be in this in-between place.

Have you ever seen that movie, Sliding Doors? It stars Gwyneth Paltrow and shows two parallel/alternate lives based on one decision she made. As I recall, she was headed to work when she realized she had left something at home. The movie continues by alternating between what would have happened had she gone back home to get it and what if she just went on to work. Interestingly, though the journey there was different, the end came out the same both ways.

Pure Refinement

I had a day a couple weeks ago when I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I could see the possibility of my life changing drastically. In so many ways I have become too comfortable, allowing my security to rest in people and circumstances more than in God. This job change was shaking that all up, and even as my "spiritual self" knew that to be a good thing. . .well, my physical self was uncomfortable. . .and sad. . .and scared.

The little ones were napping, and Destry wanted to go to his piano teacher's studio (because he prefers playing her real piano rather than our electric keyboard). Briana agreed to stay home and get some schoolwork done as I dropped Destry off and went to a local park/lake to spend some time in the Word and some "devotion" time (and perhaps even cry a little in private).

I was using the book Purely Woman as a devotion guide, partially to help me commit to getting through the book (for my Fall Reading challenge). Imagine my surprise when the next chapter was titled "Pure Refinement."

Isn't it amazing how things like that can work out?! As I read the chapter and the referenced verses, my tears of sadness and fear and self-pity turned to tears of amazement and joy as my Father met my every need in His perfect timing. This time of devotion reminded me that change is a good thing and that growth cannot happen without change.

God knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. Job 23:10

"In its natural form, gold is brilliant and expensive, but it contains impurities that must be extracted for the gold to be truly valuable. First, the gold is placed in a pot and then heated in an extremely hot fire that raises the temperature of the metal so that it melts down completely into a liquid. Only at this point do the impurities--the the dirt, the dross, and other undesirable metals, including silver--begin to rise to the surface. The refiner then scrapes these impurities off the top of the liquid gold. This process is repeated until the refiner sees the reflection of his face in the gold itself" (149).

"He allows the heat of trials to come into our lives so that the impurities in the deepest corners of our hearts can be removed" (140).

"He promises to faithfully bring us through the fire and flood to the other side, where victory and joy will meet us. Our Refiner knows how much we can take, and He knows how to remove the impurities from our lives to bring Him glory" (155).

As we go through times of refining, the author suggested some attitudes we need to cultivate.

A submissive spirit: The continual breaking down of our will brings us to a place where we no longer control our world. We give up everything we hold dear for the joy of walking in a more intimate relationship with Jesus (150).

A grateful spirit: Thank God for the good in our lives. Giving thanks fills my heart with joy and keeps my little flame from going out.

A content spirit: Be content with His plans for us. Proverbs 19:23 says The fear of the Lord leads to life: Then one rests content, untouched by trouble.

Even as I had been "still before the Lord" in previous weeks, I realized I had found it more difficult to "wait patiently for Him" (Psalm 37:7). Yes, I had been "longsuffering" and "persevering" as I trusted that God would provide, both in the interim and the ultimate provision of a more permanent job. But I hadn't been patient according to the Hebrew definition Lauren Wilson described:

"Patience isn't passive. It isn't about gritting our teeth and sticking out the hard times by sheer will power. Patience is a proactive expression of worship in which we dance before the Lord, twirling around His throne and falling at His feet in trust and joy as we wait upon Him to make us whole and complete" (153).

As I left the lake to go pick up my son, I agreed that "I'd rather be in my Father's arms during the seasons of pain than on my own during a moment of happiness" (152) and I returned home "praising Him for the trials He allows to sharpen us and draw us closer to His heart" (155). May I accept the trials of this life as a gift for the purpose of my refinement as God grows me and turns me into a tool He can use for His glory.

How Could I Worry?

As we continue through this season of my husband's job change, several people have asked me how we're doing and if we're "ok". Sometimes I feel like I should be worried or scared. Well, truthfully, sometimes I *do* feel worried or scared, but as God just keeps providing, I wonder *how* I could worry! I know the promise that "my God will supply every need according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19), and I've seen Him meet every need--even sometimes before I was aware of the need!--so how do I entertain even a moment's concern?

I find myself thinking about (and relating to) the Israelites. God provided for them, protected them, and delivered them time and time again, yet the Old Testament is full of examples of them worrying, complaining, or taking things into their own hands. I am comforted that God "remembers we are dust" (Psalm 103:14) so He knows we will sometimes focus on our fears rather than His past provisions. I think surely that is why He told his people to establish "stones of remembrance" so they would be comforted and reminded by His past provision when they faced a new (metaphoric) river to cross.
Joshua 4:20-22: And Joshua set up at Gilgal the twelve stones they had taken out of the Jordan. He said to the Israelites, "In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, 'What do these stones mean?' Tell them, 'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground'" (NIV).

As this journey is more than a month old now, we've encountered some corners, but God has been around each bend. Alan was able to find a temporary job building powerline, which is what he originally went to school to do. A short time into the project, however, the other three members of the crew failed a drug test and were fired. Safety guidelines don't allow working with electricity alone, so he was supposed to be out of work until another crew could finish its project and come to complete this one.

He's a worker, however, of the ambitious and self-motivated type. He pointed out some work that needed done, such as cleaning and maintaining trucks, hauling equipment, and framing some poles so the work would go faster once the new crew arrived. The boss agreed that he could put in some hours on those tasks if he wanted to, so during that three weeks time when he should have had *no income*, he was able to work 68 hours. The payment he earned for those 68 hours covered all of our costs for the next few weeks with $18.11 to spare!!! When we finished working on the budget and paying the bills and realized how God had provided such a precise amount to meet our needs, we just stared at one another, amazed and humbled.

That is a boulder to add to our 'stones of remembrance'.

Then there's our envelope. When Alan sold a bunch of "junk" from cleaning up around the farm and brought over $200 home, we tucked it away in an envelope for "later, just in case." That envelope for "later, just in case" is getting fatter and fatter--and it's all clearly blessing from the Lord.

• A neighbor called (he called us, we didn't call him, we weren't looking for this) wondering if he could put his cows in our (harvested) corn field for a couple months and offered $300 in return.
• Alan had previously been invited to share a lesson at another congregation and received a generous thank you gift.
• Alan received a random call to help a moving company unload a moving van. The mover was so impressed with his quick and efficient work, he generously reimbursed Alan for the time and commented that he wished he could find such workers more often.
• He was asked to lead the singing/worship service for a "homecoming" of a former congregation we met with and received a monetary gift in appreciation.

Even as the Lord has provided these extras, He has simultaneously provided for our immediate needs. We have not dipped into this envelope because He keeps providing just enough work for Alan to do to take care of his family. We keep thinking this envelope will provide during an "in-between" time when there is no income, but the need hasn't arisen. Isn't that amazing??!!

Stones of remembrance. . .

Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen,
and named it Ebenezer, saying,
"Thus far the LORD has helped us."
I Samuel 7:12

That's enough, right? I mean, surely, that's enough. But wait, there's more! That tax return, that pesky little tax return that we've been counting on to pay off the balance of our adoption loan. . .well, it was delayed again and again. We filed our taxes back in February or March, then received notice that they wanted to examine each individual expense and needed us to send receipts and every documentation possible to receive approval by June. So we compiled and copied everything and sent it in and they kept moving the confirmation date back. Our most recent date to find out if they approved our expenses was October 14. We called them on Monday to learn. . .

our documentation is approved,
(they believe we really did adopt a child last year),
and the tax return will be in our bank account
by October 31 (with interest)!!

Do you see how amazing our God is? His timing and His provision never cease to amaze me. By November 1, our adoption loan should be completely paid off. It could have been far earlier, but apparently it needs to be now--in the midst of this journey.

It's not an easy journey, and not one that my selfish heart would have chosen over previous security and comfort. But it's a root-building journey, a faith-growing journey, and the Lord is showing Himself as He leads us through it. I recently read the following passage in a new-to-me translation and it really spoke to my heart. May I trust in the Lord, making him my hope and confidence. May my roots reach deep into His life-giving water so I won't be bothered or worried nor ever stop producing fruit.

Blessed are those who trust in the LORD
and have made the LORD their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8, NLT

Keeping It Real

Most days I have a positive attitude as my hubby is going through this job change. Most of the time my spirit it peaceful and trusting and I look forward to seeing what God is going to work out of the whole situation, knowing that it will certainly involve personal growth.

Yet there are times my human frailties get the best of me. I think my biggest worry is for my children's first parents. I worry that they will be scared. They chose us to parent their precious babies because they thought we were stable. Well, not that we aren't stable, but let's say *settled*. We thought we were settled, we expected Alan to stay with his former employer until he retired and we expected to live on these 65 acres until we were too old to take care of ourselves. They liked our little farm and the lifestyle it would provide. What if we end up selling our place and moving to a house in town? What if we move farther away from them and the frequency of our visits is reduced? I'm afraid they will be sad or regret their choice--or feel like we're letting them down.

For myself, I trust in God and am sure He will provide our needs and work in our lives for our good. But for those who don't have this same relationship with Him. . .well, that's just an added responsibility that has come with the adoption journey that I never expected. I didn't realize I would feel a need to answer to my children's first parents when life brought about changes in our circumstances.

My human frailties also try to get the best of me when I think about friendships. I am sad that people I considered friends are simply not there--here--as we walk this journey. I have some hurts in this area that sometimes leak into anger. And as small-town rumors (lies) reach my ears, I am again forced to face mama-bear anger and turn it over to the Lord knowing that vengeance is simply not my place. I'm not really used to resisting anger. I tend to more often deal with other emotional temptations rather than anger, so this is a learning experience for me.

Ah yes, constantly learning, constantly growing. I'm finding Alan's resignation to be rife with opportunities for me to grow yet again.

Jehovah-Jireh

The Lord Will Provide--Genesis 22:14

It's been an interesting week and a half since Alan submitted his resignation. I've learned through previous trials in my life that God is faithful but He never promised life would be easy--He "never promised us a rose garden." It's when things get difficult, when security becomes uncertainty, that we grow the most--and it's also when we can most clearly see His working in our lives.

I've found it rather humorous that Alan and I have been letting our emotions/feelings rule us on opposite days (which is a blessing in itself!). One day last week as Alan was home, piddling around outside, taking a nap after lunch (ten-minute power nap, but still!) I was starting to freak out. "Don't you think you should be online looking for a job?" I asked. "Or sending out some resumes or making some calls or. . .something???" He peacefully looked at me, reminded me what leads had been pursued and said "It will be okay. God will provide."

Then Monday, just a couple days ago, he was wound up pretty tight. "Today's my last paid day and I don't have a place to work tomorrow," he said. "I don't know about this. How is this going to work out?!" I calmly replied "It will work out. God's taking care of us, we're okay."

Isn't God so good to keep at least one of us focused and able to encourage the other?? :)

Then yesterday he received a call asking if he wanted to take a temporary job replacing a man who got fired last week. It's a temporary job, maybe three months, but it's doing what he loves and pays more than enough to meet our basic needs. It's local, and it gives us time to relax a little bit and watch to see what doors the Lord opens and what doors He closes.

And he started the job today. How amazing is our God?! Only one day without pay. That's Jehovah-Jireh. The Lord will Provide. The Lord will be Seen.

To borrow a phrase from Linny,

He is always faithful.

He does not waste any of our life's struggles.

Not ever.

I peacefully and trustfully wait to see what the Lord does in our lives. I have no idea what it will be, but I am confident one day hindsight will make us smile as we see what He has done.

Our Memory Work

When we started school last month, we started with a reading of Rudyard Kipling's classic poem and my announcement that we were going to mine the jewels from its depths and commit it to our hearts and minds in memory. Copies of this poem are hanging all around our house.

I find the timing interesting--why THIS YEAR was I moved to focus on Kipling's "If"?

If
By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Updates

Time for a quick update of how things are going around here.

Weight Loss
You may remember my wake up call when I realized how grossly overweight I had become. Here it is six weeks later and I have lost a total of 21 pounds.
I know that's great, and I can see a difference in my face and neck especially. But when you know you need to lose 50-60 pounds, well, I just want it *all* gone right now! Lesson for those of you who are in shape--STAY that way! It's a lot easier to put on than it is to take off!! Seriously though, I'm encouraged to have lost that much in my first round with the hcg and now it's time to maintain while minimizing my carb intake for a few weeks, then I will do another round of the hcg. (Sorry, I can't figure out how to get those pictures side by side, but I think you'll see the difference just the same).

Organization
You may also remember my desire to compile a household management book using the systems recommended in Large Family Logistics. Hip, hip, hooray, I got it done!! It's not as beautiful as SOME people's I've seen online (!!!!) but I'm determined not to be a perfectionist about this nor to covet her beautifully fun binder (my purple Trapper Keeper from the 90s is just fine, sniff, sniff).
We've implemented lists which hang in each room to detail what constitutes clean for that area. We've (inconsistently) implemented an afternoon 15-minute clean up to get the house nice and tidy with a few quick cleaning jobs (like dusting, vacuuming, or wiping down sinks) thrown in before the evening begins.
We have routines for the morning, lunchtime, naptime and bedtime typed out and in place. I have an "ideal" typed out to focus on a specific area of my home each day (but am not good at sticking to this--I'm more of a "put-out-the biggest-fire-for-today kind of a person at heart). I started a list of household items I need to save for to purchase (like bath towels--my 19-year anniversary is coming up next week and these towels are RATTY!--and a large cast iron skillet). I have a list of recipes I'd like to try, and several meals to cook this month that I can make entirely from what's in my freezer and pantry.Isn't it crazy that I can make all those meals without going to the store for a single ingredient?!

Job Change
But what a blessing, especially right now while my hubby is still just kinda waiting and investigating to see what avenue will best provide for our family. As to an update with the job situation, he slept much better last night (smile) and enjoyed cleaning up and hauling some junk away from our farm today while collecting nearly $250 for his few hours of honest and stress-free work. He's still in wage negotiations with the formerly mentioned job possibility and is waiting to hear back later this week from another resume he has out. He's had a few calls and even a couple visits that have reaffirmed his decision as the right one and is filled with peace and confidence. Hopefully I'll have more of an update soon, but all in God's timing.

Briana's big Knitting Project
This isn't the greatest picture, but Briana finished knitting her first sweater! She started it about a year ago and has paused several times to make other projects. It was quite a challenge for her, and she took out nearly as many stitches as she made. But her sweater vest is completely finished and looks darling on her. I'm quite proud of her, yet again, for her initiative and persistence in developing this skill her mama has absolutely no knowledge of.My Desk
And, just for fun, here is a picture of my desk one month later. I'm hopeless.