Our Adoption Journeys, Part Two

So there we were, richly blessed with four children—two through birth, and two through adoption. On the one hand we were content with our family and on the other hand we were open to any other blessings the Lord would send our way.

With our adoption of Kiana, who is of mixed heritage, we had also entered the category of a transracial family. As we continued to learn more about adoption, we realized it would be good to have another child in our family who could mirror Kiana's darker skin and curly, ethnic hair. We had been so blessed by growing our family through adoption, and we felt we still had room in our hearts and home for another child, so we started praying about adopting again in 2009.

I had been reading a blog written by a woman who lived in Alabama (we lived in Missouri) for over a year and had prayed through their process of bringing home their infant son, Kai. One day she had a guest blogger who wrote about the preference many potential adoptive families have for a healthy child who “looks like them” (mostly Caucasian) and the need for families who are willing to adopt children of color, children who have been exposed to drugs, or have other special needs. The author worked with a network of adoption agencies to find families for all children. When I shared this post with my husband, he told me to email the author to learn more.

Imagine our surprise when the author lived in Kansas City and knew the social worker and agency who had facilitated our previous two adoptions! We decided to complete our home study, update our profile for potential birthmothers to get to know our family, and sign up with this worker. In January of 2010 we were matched with a woman who was due with a baby girl on March 17. We were very excited and had fun getting ready (we had never had time to really prepare after being matched in the other adoptions). We decorated a room for her, some friends had a shower for her, and I froze several meals in preparation for my mom to watch the other children while we traveled to Florida where she would be born.

Unfortunately, this story ended with what is called a “failed adoption” when she decided to have her mom parent the baby instead of us. This was a hard time for us as there were some unhealthy family cycles that had been repeated through the generations and we were concerned that this little girl would end up in foster care as her mother had before her since her grandmother had not changed her lifestyle, but we had to just trust in God and entrust her to Him.

As we healed from this experience, we were presented in other situations, but nothing came of them until July when we received a call from a woman on the 21^st who was due the 29^th. She had a series of challenging questions as she interviewed us to see if we would be the best family for her son. “How will your family accept a brown baby? How will you handle racist comments? How do you discipline your children? Why do you homeschool? Do you have a pond or pool? Are you CPR certified? What is your religion? Why do you want another child?” Her son was born on the 25^th and she still was undecided about making an adoption plan. Finally, on the 29^th, she called with one more question: “Do you promise to send pictures? I have to know how he's doing,” and then she asked us to be in Florida the next day at noon to pick him up.

We chose the first name Tyrell for this beautiful little boy and kept the name Damian from his birthmother as his middle name. While we rejoiced to add him to our family and believe “every good and perfect gift comes from above” (James 1:17), this adoption cemented for us that adoption invariably involves loss. Whether parents die or are in a situation that they can't physically or emotionally give their child all they want for them, adoption involves loss. Birthparents lose the years of day-to-day interaction with their child, and children lose their first parents. It is a time of rejoicing, yes, that a mother has chosen life for her child in this age where life is not valued. It is a time of rejoicing to have a child to love. But there is loss and mourning as a price to pay.

Nearly four years later, life had continued racing along. My husband changed jobs and we moved to Iowa (where we had both been raised) as the children grew older. I celebrated my 40^th birthday and figured our days of adopting were probably over, as I doubted anyone would choose us to parent a baby at this age. However, we received an email from a friend of a friend who wondered if we would be willing to adopt again. She knew of an agency who had 16 pregnant women wanting to make adoption plans, but the agency didn't have enough adoptive parents to present to them.

So just this year, we said yes again and were soon chosen to parent our beautiful daughter Aryana Joy (her mother's name is Abigail, which means Joy). We really didn't have the money and since we had moved so recently, we didn't have the relationship we had enjoyed with our former banker who we could call at the drop of a hat when an adoption situation arose. Nevertheless, we moved forward in prayer and faith, trusting that the Lord loved this baby girl and He would provide. This adoption journey was particularly faith-building (although all of them have been faith-building, this one has been especially so) as our extended church family joyfully rallied around us at the opportunity to bring this little girl into our family.

We count ourselves richly blessed to have grown our family both biologically and through adoption. Each member fits perfectly into our family and each has taught us something more about trusting God and loving one another.

Our Adoption Journeys, Part One

My friend Deb recommended that I write our adoption stories for a series a fellow blogger was hosting for November, National Adoption Month.  I really enjoyed looking back over the past ten years and remembering how the Lord has blessed us through adoption, and wanted to share it here as well.  I also just think it will be nice to have here on my blog to look back at in the future.  Take a walk down memory lane with me. . .

It has been about ten years now since our lives were changed by adoption. In that time we have gone from being a family of four to a family of eight. We have learned more about trusting God and we have learned that family is more than just who we are related to by blood. We have grown in number and we have grown in love. While it hasn't always been easy, it has always been a blessing.

We had two children biologically when we were in our early 20s—a boy and a girl. Young and selfish as we were, we made a permanent decision to have no more children. This all seemed fine until we started growing in our faith and thus in our perception of the value of children. For a couple years we were inundated with a longing for more children and with teachings on the blessing of children. As we got more involved in speaking out against abortion, we realized we couldn't encourage women to choose life for their unborn children without being willing to open our hearts and home to those children through adoption.

We started taking foster-to-adopt classes in the Spring of 2005, but decided against adopting through the state for several reasons which I won't go into here other than to say it just didn't seem the best option for our family. Instead, we chose to register with Christian Family Services of the Midwest in Overland Park, KS in August of 2005.

This was a busy season of prayer, preparation, and self-education as we read books and articles and began the mountain of home study paperwork (at which I am now a pro!). We also faced the daunting task of writing a letter to prospective birthmothers and preparing a book to introduce our family so those women considering an adoption plan for their babies could choose the family to love him or her. We have been blessed by this concept of open adoption and sincerely believe it to be good for all members of the adoption triad: the birthparents, the adoptee, and the adoptive parents.

After a few false starts and what felt like forever (but was really only nine months) we received the call. A mother of a three-week old baby boy would like to meet us, could we be in Kansas City (a 3 ½ hour drive) by 6 pm? Of course we said yes and were thrilled to meet her. Her hopes and dreams for Easton were that he would “learn to be responsible, have a good work ethic, and to be a man of integrity.”

We fell instantly in love with this precious, even-tempered little bundle of joy and were able to bring him home a mere three days later. We had held to the promise in Psalm 37:4-5, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this,” and we were blessed by his addition to our family.

Since we had two children who were significantly older, we hoped to be able to adopt at least once more so Easton would have a brother or sister closer in age to grow up with so we started praying about beginning the process again when he was about nine months old. We received our answer “yes” when an anonymous gift came in the mail wanting to help with adoption expenses (which we had already paid off) in the exact amount we needed to update our home study.

Our home study was completed in July of 2007 and we expected another nine-month (or more—the average is two years) wait, but the end of September we were asked to travel about six hours to meet an expectant woman who liked our profile and wanted to meet us. She got to meet us with our other three children on Saturday, then my husband and I joined her and her friend for supper that night. She told us she wanted us to be the family to raise her baby, and then we prepared to travel back home on Sunday afternoon. Instead, her tiny baby girl was born Sunday morning!

They kept Kiana Jayde (we chose her first name and adapted her birthmother's choice of “Jayden” for the middle name) in the hospital a couple extra days as they wanted her to weigh five pounds before dismissal. This was a difficult time for all of us involved. Her birthmother was spending every minute with her, storing up memories for the future and showering her with love. When it came time to sign the relinquishment papers, she just couldn't do it.

My husband and I went to our car and prayed and cried. While we had fallen in love with Kiana, we had also developed a relationship with her mother and we genuinely wanted what was best for everyone involved. After much debate and many tears, she decided completing her adoption plan was truly the best option for her precious little girl. We have been so blessed by Kiana, who is a tender-hearted, vivacious and dramatic little lady, and adopting her has also afforded us the opportunity to love her birthfamily who have become extended members of our family.