Open Adoption Five Years Later

"You guys are just the perfect family for Kiana," her birthmother said to me last weekend.  She had traveled to our home to celebrate Kiana's fifth birthday with us and we were standing together watching Kiana run and play with her brothers and sisters (including her half brother and half sister).

Kiana jumping on the trampoline with her first mama.

We had a wonderful weekend together and I was once again blessed by open adoption.  Because we have an open adoption, Kiana is able to know her birthparents, what they look like, how much they love her.  Because we have an open adoption, her birthparents are able to see her, to witness first hand how much we love her, to express their love to her.  It's a win-win situation for everyone involved.

Kiana making her birthday cupcakes with her first mother.

I realize open adoptions aren't possible or in the best interests of the child in every situation, but it's working nicely in all three of our adoptions so far.  I know sometimes people are leary of open adoption, fearing interference in their parenting, or the relationship between the child and birthparents, or for other reasons I'm not aware of, so I'm sharing some of the blessings we have experienced.  Besides that, I don't want to forget this weekend--I look forward to sharing these memories with Kiana as she gets older.

I am also blessed by open adoption because of the relationship Kiana's birthmother and I have nurtured over the years.  It makes me happy to see my daughter goofing off and making memories with her first mother.  It's also incredibly encouraging to hear the peace her birthmother has about her decision to make an adoption plan and give us the privilege of raising her daughter.

"I'm glad that I was able to find you all. I love you guys so much," she wrote to me on facebook. "You have been an amazing mother to her. I thank you so much. You have given her a life I would have struggled soo hard to give to her. And thank you for keeping me involved and in her life as much as I am. I love you all sooooo very much."

She came with her family on Friday evening and spent the day Saturday.  While they were here, Kiana got to show her our house and all her toys, jump on the trampoline with her (and guess where Kiana gets her mad flipping skills!), make and decorate puppy cupcakes, open presents, eat breakfast, read books, get her nails painted and just generally have a great time with her first mother.

Our families "breaking bread" together.

For the first time this weekend, Kiana referred to her birthmother as "mom".  We have left it up to her what to call her.  I call her birthmother by her first name when I'm talking to her or about her, but we also frequently refer to her as "your first mommy" or "your birthmom or birthmother".

Kiana opening her gift from her birthmother, a handpainted treasure box which also contains earrings.

Kiana walked up to us as we stood talking and said "Hey Mom, I like your fingernails."  (If you know me well, you know she certainly was not talking to this mama as my nails are chewed and unpainted!).  Later, as Kiana was driving her scooter like a maniac she hollared "Hey Mom!"  I automatically replied, "What baby girl?" and she said "Not you, my first mom!"  She wanted her to be sure and watch her as she flew down the hill at breakneck speeds.

How do I feel about this, you may ask?  It doesn't bother me at all.  That's who she is, why wouldn't she call her mom?  Do I begrudge her that title?  Not one bit.  We see her twice a year, maybe three times.  Kiana is with me and calling me mom 99.9% of the time.  There's plenty of room in her heart for both of us!  Besides, it's not about us, it's about Kiana.

While she was here, Kiana's birthmother watched me style Kiana's hair (after these pictures were taken, obviously!).  "I love the way you fix her hair," she told me.  "If she had stayed with me, I wouldn't have kept her hair as nice as you do."  These words were music to my ears for so many reasons.  Validation of my efforts to learn, obviously, but even more, I heard peace about her decision to choose us as Kiana's parents and a lack of regret.

I think it's interesting, as well, to consider how much we all have grown in the last five years.  I was blessed with opportunities in my life that she had never been exposed to and our relationship has opened her world to different ways of doing things.  She told me several times that our family has inspired her as she has since married and has two other children she is parenting.  The three areas I remember her saying were:

• doing things with her children, spending time with them.  She has recently made a lion mask with her little boy, finger painted with her little ones, and is planning to make handprint turkeys with them to decorate for Thanksgiving.  This was something she hadn't really seen before.
• eliminating cussing from her vocabulary. 
• managing money.  We tend to be pretty frugal and try to be good stewards.  We had some nice conversations and shared some budgeting tips as well as our tendency to buy used instead of new when possible.

After she got home, she posted birthday wishes to Kiana on her facebook status:

 I'm glad to be back home but like always miss her until I get to see her again. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my baby girl who is 5 years old now.  I love you so incredibly much. 5years ago right now you were only an hr and 10 min old and we were the only ones together.  No one had came in just yet so it was our time before your family came in to meet you. Your small 4lb 11oz body snuggled tight in my arms all wrapped up sleeping. i love you soo sooooooooooooo much Kiana. You're a wonderful, fun, amazing child. I have had sooo much fun with you and your sass you clearly get from me. I hope your day is amazing can't wait to see you again. Love you and thank you to the moon and back Alan and Shonya for letting us have this time.

I am thankful to the Lord for tying together the heartstrings of Kiana's birth and adoptive families and look forward to seeing how He continues to grow us in the years to come.