The Season I Almost Moved to Australia

It was a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY.

I almost moved to Australia.

Well, okay, not really.  But I almost convinced myself I was a big, fat failure and was just wasting my time homeschooling my children.

I texted my husband:  "I feel like a failure.  And I want a different job."

I got on "long-name-amazing-results" for my region and started looking for jobs.  Not. even. kidding.

I *almost* called our local school district to see what their scope and sequence is for kindergarten, second, and third grades to see how it compares to where we are.

I really did call our local christian school to see when their new semester starts and how much it would cost to send my middle three children.

I wasn't ENJOYING homeschooling anymore.  I used to really enjoy it.  Planning lessons was fun.  Seeing the light bulb when the children understood a new concept was fun.  Organizing track and field days, musicals, PE, softball, and cooperative classes with area homeschoolers was fun and invigorating.  Going to homeschool conferences with other homeschooling moms, making my MOTH schedule, reading books about educational philosophies was all just a ton of fun.

Now I'm tired.  I'm tired in general, and I'm tired of doing this.  I'm tired of teaching the same old things.  I'm tired of enforcing schedules and chore times and reminding children to "Focus. Sit still. Pay attention."

I wonder what it would be like to be "Just Mom."  To exclaim over the projects they do at school and listen to the excitement in their voices as they tell me about what they've learned.  That someone else taught them.

I've been haunted by feelings of failure.  Things don't always go just the way I want them to, or always imagined they would.  I'm not sure I'm doing a good job anymore.  Different kids learn differently.  I'm older and have a lot of kids in different and difficult seasons.  I feel like I've invested so much of myself and my time and all that work, and for what?  I don't feel like investing even more just for more failure and heartbreak.

I spent a few weeks in that place.  I cried a little every day, and cried some more every time I talked to my husband about these feelings.  He was patient.  He listened, he prayed with me and for me.

But he said he wanted us to continue homeschooling.  He asked how he could help share the load and he pitched in.  He sent me encouraging emails from work such as the following verse:

with a short note:

"Thinking of you and remembering how much I trust what you are doing for our family.  You keep us fed, clothed, healthy, and taught.  I have confidence in the teaching you are doing.  Thanks for pouring your heart into our children."

Then a friend posted on facebook about a ladies' Bible study that was about to begin.

To be continued. . .