The Story Continues

You may get tired of ambiguous updates on the adoption process, but I don't know what to say. . .welcome to my life?? chuckle It seems this uncertainty is just a part of this particular journey and inspires me to simply hold more tightly to the Lord's hand.

I'm writing out the stories of our past two adoptions for a friend (slowly, very slowly!) and I am saddened to find how fuzzy the details have become over the last four years. In response to that sadness, I am being particularly careful to record more of this journey, so here you go.

It's been one of those weeks. We got a call last Thursday that an AA girl was born on Wednesday, April 21, and her mother was considering making an adoption plan. This birthmother, LaCara, was working with the agency through whom we adopted Easton and Kiana (out of Kansas City, not the Florida lawyer). Our social worker asked if we wanted to be presented, said the baby was going from the hospital to one of their foster homes, and the birthmother would be choosing a family the beginning of the week. Of course we said yes, and I tried to just go ahead with my weekend plans with my older daughter and some friends to a homeschool conference and trust that God would work out His will.

On Friday, we received a call from the Florida adoption attorney that they had presented us to a birthmother (Amy) who was due November 3 and she had chosen our family! Whoops! Miscommunication there--you are not supposed to be presented to two situations at once, for who wants to tell a birthmother they have to go with their second choice to be the forever family for their baby?! We were in a quandary--what to do, what to do. We prayed and prayed all weekend.

There were so many factors to take into consideration. Even though Amy had officially chosen us, she's not due until November, our home study expires in October, we were less than pleased with the bill presented by that lawyer over the failed adoption, . . .we had not told them to present us to her. And here was another baby, already born, through an agency we have LOVED working with in the past. But she was still looking over families to choose someone to parent her little girl.

Then we learned that LaCara didn't sign the termination papers. Because of her situation, her baby will be in the foster system until she gets her life together, but she wants to hold onto the hope of someday getting her baby back, so she didn't follow through on an adoption plan.

Now what to do about Amy? We took another day of intense prayer and discussion before we called the lawyer to talk over our options. Frankly, it was a horribly stressful time for me and I was on the verge of tears throughout it. My list of pros/cons stressed me out, and I was completely out of control of the situation (yes, God is still working on my control-freak tendencies); yet it wasn't as much about a lack of trust in God as it was this horrible responsibility of feeling like we had a decision to make and we didn't know what decision would be best--we sincerely did not know what decision God wanted us to make. Usually it has seemed we can pray and study the Word and sense some direction--this time we just had no idea what to do. One friend provided clarity as I was sharing with her and she asked "would either decision take you out of God's will?" It was a relief to realize that no, neither decision would be 'wrong'. All options would just be difficult. Most of the situation just didn't bring peace to us, yet we value the life of each child and want to support mothers who are choosing life for their children.

When we called the lawyer, we learned that they had visited with Amy about the situation we were in and she was happy with another family they had available to parent her baby. How good God is! She is happy with her decision, her baby will have a safe and loving home, and we have peace that our prayers for discernment, guidance, and His will were answered.

Which brings us to today. We received an email from the social worker working with LaCara sharing that her situation is up in the air. Her baby is still in the foster care of our adoption agency rather than the state. Might the Lord yet move her to make a permanent plan of security for her baby rather than moving her around in foster care while she attempts to get her life straightened out? Only God knows, and time will reveal it to us. Meanwhile. . .you guessed it. . .we're praying!!!

Pig Slop

I looked in the slop bucket this morning. Can you imagine being the prodigal son, reduced to eating this with the pigs? After living the high life, scorning respectability and responsibility, a Jewish man is caring for pigs (unclean in more ways than one!) and 'longing' to eat their food--while knowing he had rejected the life his father freely offered. (Luke 15:11-31)
Disgusting.

In reading Crazy Love, I am reminded that God HATES sin.

"It takes a lot for us to comprehend God's total hatred for sin. We make excuses like 'Yes, I am prideful at times, but everyone struggles with pride.' However, God says in Proverbs 8:13 'I hate pride and arrogance.' You and I are not allowed to tell Him how much He can hate it. He can hate and punish it as severely as His justice demands" (34).

I wonder how long it will be before I see with God's eyes. How long until I look at sin and see it as repulsive and disgusting--far more so than that picture of slop for the pigs that I wouldn't even consider eating. God the Father has so much to offer us, such peace and joy and abundant life, yet we tend to wallow in the mire with the pigs, blindly preferring this supposed 'pleasure for a season' because we simply don't see it as disgusting.

In his convicting profile of the lukewarm person Chan describes "Lukewarm people don't really want to be saved from their sin; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin. They don't genuinely hate sin and aren't truly sorry for it; they're merely sorry because God is going to punish them. Lukewarm people don't really believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one" (70). They "probably drink and swear less than average," he continues, "but besides that, they really aren't very different from your typical unbelievers. They equate their partially sanitized lives with holiness, but they couldn't be more wrong" (79).

Dear Lord, Give me your vision of sin. Remove temptation far from me, and fill me with hatred for sin that separates me from you. Cleanse my palate and renew my appetite for You. Through the name of Your Son Who was tortured, mocked, beaten and died for my sin, Amen.

Focusing the Goal

"Marcus was handsome, intelligent, well-spoken, shrewd. Julia was beautiful, charming, full of life. Both were well educated and admired by their peers" (212).

I think about who I want my children to be. I can't help but set goals for them. I think every parent does this, but I wonder what is the focus of our goals. . .and what the focus of our goals should be. I wonder if we even think about this in the way we should.

"Nevertheless, Decimus felt a gnawing despair, a sense of failure as their father" (212).

If you are a Francine Rivers fan, as I am, you surely recognize these characters. I'm reading her Mark of the Lion trilogy (for either the third or fourth time--I've lost track--and YES, it's that good!) and I am especially struck by the relationship between parents and children this time. I'm struck by the focus of the parents, the things they value, the goals they set, and the resulting values and actions of the children.

"It was an appalling realization that the child he had created and loved so much held in contempt both him and all he held sacred. . .How is it possible that we have two children so opposed to all we believe in? What has happened to virtue and honor and ideals? Marcus believes nothing is true and anything is permitted. Julia thinks the only thing that matters is her own pleasure. I've worked my entire life in order to give my children everything I never had at their age--wealth, education, position. And now I look at them and wonder if my life is simple vanity. They haven't the smallest fiber of moral character" (213).

Is it my goal to give my children everything I never had? Is my goal my children's happiness?

His words hurt, and Phoebe sought some way to defend her children. "Don't judge them so harshly, Decimus. It's neither your fault, nor mine, nor theirs. It's the world they live in" (214).

Do I make excuses for my children? Do I lower my standards--indeed, God's standards--to those of the world? Do I claim my children as victims of circumstances or empower them to choose who and what they will serve?

"Whatever feels good is right. Whoever stands in the way of their pleasures, they want destroyed. They demand the moral chains be removed, never understanding that it's moral restraint that keeps man civilized. . .I am afraid for them, Phoebe. What happens to a society when all restraints are removed? I see our children consumed with watching blood be spilled in the arena. I see them seeking an unending diet of sensual pleasure. . .The more our children have, the more they want, and the less conscience they have about how they get it" (214)

I am a little scared at how familiar this sounds, in spite of the fact that this book is set in Ancient Rome.

In contrast, God defines and outlines the way to success.

Joshua 1:8 This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

It's not about looks, intelligence, abilities or popularity. God has a completely different standard--a far loftier goal. I truly can't even wrap my brain around it. I want to understand it; I want to aspire to it. But I'm not sure that's even humanly possible. I want to train my children to be prepared to face the Lord. I don't just want them to be good citizens, good providers, good homemakers, patriots, scholars or hard workers.

I went to a conference this past weekend with my daughter and was impressed by a message titled "Shepherding Your Child With Eternal Aims." He summed it all up in one verse of Scripture.

The goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart, and a good conscience, and a sincere faith. I Timothy 1:5

Love from a pure heart. Love from a good conscience. Love from a sincere faith. Now that is a goal worth setting.

Life Skills

Raising boys is very interesting. I am just reminded over and over again how different they are from me. Destry, who will be 13 in August, is learning more and more from his dad. I enjoy seeing the many things they make together, and the life skills Destry is developing as a result.

A couple years ago, it was all about swords. He made them all the time, and our yard, basement, and outbuildings are still littered with them.
His little brother and sister are now very grateful for that time he spent making swords.
He graduated from wooden swords to metal swords like this one.And another stage was guns, also made of all sorts of materials.
A more recent fascination has been with knives. Destry made this knife from a scrap of metal. Yes, it is sharpened. He then added the finger guard, and finally a wooden handle.
And every 'Crocodile Dundee' knife needs a sheathe, right? He thinks he should be able to wear it everywhere he goes, including church (that is actually fine with me), Walmart (sigh, I doubt it's fine with them) and the state capitol!!! (NO, go take that off and leave it at home!)
He is currently working on another knife as a gift for his good buddy, Tallis. It's going to be a *surprise* though, Mom, so don't share this post! :)Destry has helped his dad build fence around the farm several times, building a fence around my garden (to protect those vegetables from the pesky chickens!) was his first project building a fence all by himself.

Well, okay, so maybe he had a *little* help.I'm very happy with the result, and particularly happy with the fine young man my son is becoming.

Darling Hairstyle

I am pretty happy with Kiana's latest hairstyle. Isn't it just darling?

I started with box braids in the back. In retrospect, I should have made smaller boxes, but it looks okay this way.
Then we put these cute little pigtails in, divided them into thirds, and braided each third.
Finally, I put two little cornrows in the front!!! I am so happy with how they turned out!! This is my third attempt at cornrows, and well, let's just say it's the first time it has actually LOOKED like cornrows! Briana helped me, and that made all the difference. I just need extra hands to be successful with cornrows. Maybe one of these days I will be coordinated enough to do it by myself, but for now, I appreciate Briana's extra hands to hold the pieces.Briana helps me with the beading, too. She 'loads the beader' because I, once again, don't seem to have enough hands to do it all at once. Kiana loves the beads--she shakes her head back and forth to feel them swing and hear them click. I love it when she runs through the house--her beads and braids bounce and swing and just sound so happy.It took a total of one hour, in two sittings, to accomplish this style. Let's hope it lasts all week! Thanks for sharing in my small success! smile

One Month Old Today

Cleara's baby turned one month old today.

For those of you just joining me, Cleara is the currently incarcerated birthmother we were matched with for two months, until the grandmother persuaded Cleara to let her parent.

You might think this should just be history now, but it's amazing how praying for someone ties heart strings together. I still pray for Cleara every day. I pray for the baby every day. I try not to worry that her grandmother is using drugs or not feeding and clothing her properly. I pray that she is feeling secure and loved. I pray that God will bring someone into their lives to teach them to love Jesus so that little girl will grow up knowing His name.

I had a miscarriage before we had our oldest child. I was young, 21, and you know how youth can protect us sometimes from the realities of life. We had been married for two years, I was in my last year of college, and it just 'seemed time to start a family.' So, I went off the pill in January and got pregnant right away. During spring break in the middle of March I miscarried. I was sad, I was scared. I lay on the couch all week and hurt and cramped and cried. When I passed the mass that I was sure was my baby, I left it in the toilet, not flushing and not knowing what to do with it. In hindsight, I wish I had fished it out and buried it, but I was young--that's my excuse. I showed it to my husband when he got home from work, and then he flushed the toilet.

But then I moved right on--confident that baby was in heaven, convinced that it was God's will and there was something wrong and this was His way of doing things. The next February, our first child was born. I've known other people to experience miscarriages and have a harder time emotionally with them--some were successive miscarriages, some were late-term miscarriages. Sometimes I think it even makes a difference just to be older and realize what you have lost, or to have had children and then have a miscarriage, because in these situations you have a *fuller understanding and appreciation for what you have lost* (that perhaps I didn't have at age 21). I don't mean to be hurtful in any way bringing this subject up for my friends who have suffered such loss--I'm just processing my personal experiences.

I bring this up because I've heard people compare a failed adoption to a miscarriage, and I am now here to share that in my experience, this failed adoption is harder. Can you understand that I feel like that is my baby out there. . .somewhere. . .and I don't know how she is doing? I don't know if she is loved and having her basic needs met or being neglected. I know she is not in a godly home, and she doesn't have a daddy or a grandpa, and the people in her life are repeating dangerous, unhealthy cycles over and over again. I know her 2 1/2 year old brother and 1 1/2 year old sister are in that same situation.

I sometimes daydream that the lawyer calls and says Cleara has signed the adoption paperwork afterall, and that her mother has decided to also let us parent the two older children. I daydream about who I would call to come watch our other children, what I would pack, and how soon we could hop on a plane to go hold our children. I wonder how long I'll keep doing this.

I'm praying that if it is God's will for us to raise this baby (or these babies) that He will move in a mighty way to bring them to our home. And if that is not His plan, that He will heal our hearts and provide for these children in some other way. We are still being presented to other birthmothers, but our hearts still feel tied to Cleara and we just haven't felt excited or connected to other birthmothers that we have been shown. A normal stage in mourning, or is God not done with this situation?

Please say a special prayer for Cleara today, that she will come to know the Lord. Please pray for her children, that they are safe and loved, and that they would come to know their Creator and Savior. Perhaps this is why they have touched our lives--so we can pray for them. Please continue praying for us, too, that God would continue to heal us and to work in our lives--that He would make His will known and that we would have peace in the meantime.

A Boy and His. . .DOG????

I love Spring. I love watching Easton play with the lambs. Lambs are so cute, anyway, and in the Spring, when they run and jump around. . .
Can't you just tell how curious that lamb is, and that she would love to climb right up that wall with him?They can just be walking along, then suddenly Easton takes off running and Liezl immediately skips and hops and bounds out in front of him.It's time to visit the piggies! Liezl is not afraid at all. It's as if she's inviting them to come out and enjoy the sunshine.

Some of the lambs became Passover sacrifices as we loaded them up into our makeshift stockrack and headed off to the sale. Easton and Kiana enjoyed looking at them out the back window on the way to the sale.
Just a few of the many great reasons to live the farm life--playmates for your children, ingenuity, and lessons about life like where food comes from!