Dear Birthmother

I've been reading this book again. I read it before we adopted Easton, four years ago, and I'm getting even more out of it this time. I think a person just doesn't realize the effect birthparents will have on the life of the adoptive parents until you have been through it. I first read it with no knowledge or experience, but this time. . .it's richer. I'm seeing things I didn't see the first time through.

It may sound crazy if you've never experienced it, but in some ways I feel like we have adopted our children's birthparents right along with their children. They become extended family members. You know how it is when your child does something, and you think they are absolutely the cutest, brightest, funniest and most darling child on the planet?? And even as you have friends and family members who love your children, they can only endure your doting so long before their eyes start to glaze over? Well, birthparents love your child, too, and they are so hungry to hear every detail about that child. They agree with you over how amazing that child is, they revel in identifying traits that they have a genetic contribution toward, and they have a tolerantly bemused attitude toward childish misbehaviors.

I cherish the relationships we have with Easton and Kiana's birthparents. I am glad to share these memories and milestones with them, and I am especially grateful for the interest they have in maintaining a relationship with their children and being available should Easton or Kiana have questions about their medical history, their birth families, or the circumstances of their adoption plans.

I share all that to build up to the fact that I am DYING to get a letter from Cleara! In addition to our original profile letter, I have written her three letters and I have been haunting my mailbox these last few days in anticipation of hearing from her. I look forward to hearing more about her life and about her pregnancy experience and the hopes and dreams she has for her little girl's future. I desperately want, and pray for, this connection with her, too--for my coming daughter's sake as much as anything. I feel like the more contact we have pre-placement, the more relationship we will be able to build and the more 'answers' I'll have for my daughter's future questions.

It's hard to review this book, but I will (at this point anyway) just highlight the most basic messages of the book. The first 75 pages focus on dispelling some common myths about adoption which are:

• The birthmother obviously doesn't care about her child or she wouldn't have given him away.
• Secrecy in every phase of the adoption process is necessary to protect all parties.
• Both the birthmother and the birthfather will forget about their unwanted child.
• If the adoptee really loved his adoptive family, he would not have to search for his birthparents.

The author spends a chapter refuting each of the above thoughts, and she does an excellent job. Like I said earlier, however, the points are driven home even deeper now that I've held my daughter's birthmother in my arms after she signed the paperwork as she sobbed uncontrollably until I literally thought she might vomit. I know birthparents don't forget the children for whom they've made adoption plans as I receive emails, letters, birthday and Christmas cards, and requests for pictures and as we make arrangements to meet for birthdays or just because. I've seen healing take place as Easton's birthparents are reassured that their child is loved and secure and happy by seeing him interact with his family. I wonder how secrecy could possibly seem necessary as I hear my daughter tell her birthmother 'I wuv oo' as we depart from our meeting and I see the gratitude and tears spring to birthmother's eyes. I wonder how it could possibly benefit these children not to know about their birthparents as Kiana walks around the house with a doll up her shirt saying "I tevie (her birthmother's name is Stevie). I ha' baby in my tummy." Yes, experiencing the blessing of an open adoption certainly makes this book more meaningful this time around.

The second half of the book shares information related to some adoption facts including

• Adoption is a lifetime experience (it does not go away once the 'process' is over).
• Adoptive parents will never totally parent their child; and adoptees will never be totally parented by their adoptive parents (This seems confusing, but think about the fact that only the biological parents can pass on their biological heritage and genetic future. Thus both adoptive and birthparents have their unique role in making up the person their child will become. "Adoption is the process of accepting the responsibility of raising an individual who has two sets of parents.")
• Birthparents remain a part of the adoptee's life (whether physically separated or reunited).
• Individuals handle their lives and their destinies best when addressed with trust and honesty instead of protective secrecy and half truths.

I especially appreciate the section that talks about the grammar of adoption, and that "adoption is a process." As "Adopted for Life" shared, 'adopted is a past tense verb, not an adjective'. An adjective 'denotes a quality of the thing named', (a label??) which is something we don't want to apply to our children. Being clear that adoption is a PROCESS recognizes that there are different ways to create a family, but the children of that family are not different.

Dispersed throughout the book are tear-wrenching examples of letters written between birthparents and adoptive parents sharing the depth of each parent's love for their child, their joy in the child, their plans and dreams for their child, and ultimately, their appreciation for one another and the roles played in their child's life.

I echo the full title of the book--Dear Birthmother, Thank You for Our Baby.