One Month Old Today

Cleara's baby turned one month old today.

For those of you just joining me, Cleara is the currently incarcerated birthmother we were matched with for two months, until the grandmother persuaded Cleara to let her parent.

You might think this should just be history now, but it's amazing how praying for someone ties heart strings together. I still pray for Cleara every day. I pray for the baby every day. I try not to worry that her grandmother is using drugs or not feeding and clothing her properly. I pray that she is feeling secure and loved. I pray that God will bring someone into their lives to teach them to love Jesus so that little girl will grow up knowing His name.

I had a miscarriage before we had our oldest child. I was young, 21, and you know how youth can protect us sometimes from the realities of life. We had been married for two years, I was in my last year of college, and it just 'seemed time to start a family.' So, I went off the pill in January and got pregnant right away. During spring break in the middle of March I miscarried. I was sad, I was scared. I lay on the couch all week and hurt and cramped and cried. When I passed the mass that I was sure was my baby, I left it in the toilet, not flushing and not knowing what to do with it. In hindsight, I wish I had fished it out and buried it, but I was young--that's my excuse. I showed it to my husband when he got home from work, and then he flushed the toilet.

But then I moved right on--confident that baby was in heaven, convinced that it was God's will and there was something wrong and this was His way of doing things. The next February, our first child was born. I've known other people to experience miscarriages and have a harder time emotionally with them--some were successive miscarriages, some were late-term miscarriages. Sometimes I think it even makes a difference just to be older and realize what you have lost, or to have had children and then have a miscarriage, because in these situations you have a *fuller understanding and appreciation for what you have lost* (that perhaps I didn't have at age 21). I don't mean to be hurtful in any way bringing this subject up for my friends who have suffered such loss--I'm just processing my personal experiences.

I bring this up because I've heard people compare a failed adoption to a miscarriage, and I am now here to share that in my experience, this failed adoption is harder. Can you understand that I feel like that is my baby out there. . .somewhere. . .and I don't know how she is doing? I don't know if she is loved and having her basic needs met or being neglected. I know she is not in a godly home, and she doesn't have a daddy or a grandpa, and the people in her life are repeating dangerous, unhealthy cycles over and over again. I know her 2 1/2 year old brother and 1 1/2 year old sister are in that same situation.

I sometimes daydream that the lawyer calls and says Cleara has signed the adoption paperwork afterall, and that her mother has decided to also let us parent the two older children. I daydream about who I would call to come watch our other children, what I would pack, and how soon we could hop on a plane to go hold our children. I wonder how long I'll keep doing this.

I'm praying that if it is God's will for us to raise this baby (or these babies) that He will move in a mighty way to bring them to our home. And if that is not His plan, that He will heal our hearts and provide for these children in some other way. We are still being presented to other birthmothers, but our hearts still feel tied to Cleara and we just haven't felt excited or connected to other birthmothers that we have been shown. A normal stage in mourning, or is God not done with this situation?

Please say a special prayer for Cleara today, that she will come to know the Lord. Please pray for her children, that they are safe and loved, and that they would come to know their Creator and Savior. Perhaps this is why they have touched our lives--so we can pray for them. Please continue praying for us, too, that God would continue to heal us and to work in our lives--that He would make His will known and that we would have peace in the meantime.