Her Mother Didn't Know Her

I remember the Columbine shooting back in 1999, but I just recently read She Said Yes: The Unlikely Martyrdom of Cassie Bernall, the book about a girl who was killed when the gunman asked her if she believed in God. It was written by her mother, and it was not at all what I expected.

I guess, as I type that, I don't know what I DID expect. But for sure, I didn't expect to read a book that reminds me how important it is for us parents to know our children and to keep their hearts. How focused I need to be to gain the role of my child's confidant, to help them understand why I make the decisions I make, and to stay plugged in with their thoughts, dreams, and disappointments! I didn't expect to be challenged to take drastic measures to redeem my child--to make whatever sacrifices are needed to protect and guide them. I didn't expect to be awed, once again, by the power God has to change a life.

Believe it or not, Cassie entered her teen years in outright rebellion. She was involved in the Goth movement and even in the occult. She and a friend had detailed plans to murder both a teacher and Cassie's parents. At one point in her life, she would have identified with her murderer. But her parents didn't know her. They didn't know what was going on in her life, what she was thinking, who her friends were. Quite by accident, her mother found a letter Cassie had written telling how much she hated her parents and plans to murder them. This is when her parents started re-evaluating their parenting philosophies and practices, and decided they needed to make some drastic changes (even sacrifices) for their daughter's benefit.

"Gradually we began to see where we had failed Cassie as parents, especially in the period leading up to her most troubled phase. Previously, whenever Cassie was rebellious, we had tried harder to win her friendship. . .in the end, we were catering to her whims and wishes far more than we ever wanted to. (A friend said) 'Stop trying so hard to be Cassie's friend. You're the adult; you're her mother; you call the shots. You don't have to have Cassie's approval for everything you do. She'll just end up thinking that the world revolves around her, and that she can do whatever she wants.'. . .I began to see my role as a parent in a new way--as a mentor and confidant, rather than as a buddy. I stopped trying to please Cassie and make her like me, and I started trying to guide her more consistently. Unbelievably, instead of rebelling, she accepted the boundaries I set for her and even seemed grateful for them" (80-81).

(What a concept, a child seeming grateful for boundaries! But I digress. . .) So, long story short, Cassie's parents removed her from her school and sent her to a private school, and even moved to a different house. Her mother quit her job so she would have more time to be involved in her children's lives. After some time at the private Christian school and involvement in a church youth group, Cassie was showing different fruit and eventually asked to go to a different school--Columbine--where she would eventually be given the opportunity to stand up for the One who had changed her life so radically.

There is a tone in the mother's writing that still makes me sad. I don't think she ever really knew her daughter--either during her rebellious phase or after. Her writing is filled with wondering and hesitance, and she shares quotes from Cassie's friends, from letters she has found since Cassie died, and in Cassie's journal and Bible study guides as if all these pieces of her daughter are just now being discovered. And that makes me sad. What I'm taking from this book is not as much about a young person being killed for her faith as I thought it would be. I do agree with her mother who said "To me, Cassie's life says that it is better to die for what you believe, than to live a lie" (160). But more than that, I'm reminded of the importance of relationship. I'm thinking about the priorities our society sets, and how easily we parents can just go along with the culture around us.

"Why, when parents and lawmakers are calling for gun control and an end to TV violence, are our young crying out for relationships? Why, when we offer them psychologists and counselors and experts on conflict resolution, are they going to youth groups and looking for friends? Why, when everyone else is apportioning blame and constructing new defenses, are they talking about a change of the heart?" (159)

I am convicted to spend less time on myself and more time building and nurturing the relationships with my children. I can't imagine writing a book about my child, after his/her death, in an effort to figure out who they were.