Outnumbered by Boys

I am a mother of three sons, so yes, I am outnumbered and I was really excited to read Laura Lee Groves' book I'm Outnumbered: One Mom's Lessons in the Lively Art of Raising Boys after reading an outstanding review from my blogging friend (tee, hee, I'm totally claiming her as my friend now!) Carrie.
I have to admit I wasn't excited about the book until I read Carrie's review because I have been a mother to a son for 13 years--which means I have been desperately seeking advice on how to raise a boy for that long and thus have already read nearly every book written on the subject. (I might be exaggerating a bit, but only a little bit!) And while I'm Outnumbered reiterates some information I've read elsewhere, that's just confirmation of the nature of boys.

But what I really liked about this book was the very practical applications she shares. In no other 'raising your sons' book have I found so many practical ideas for developing leadership, loving unconditionally, maintaining family mealtime, talking with your son, improving organization, tips for modeling respect, growing respect through the various ages, and a detailed list of guidelines to help brothers interact with one another in a healthy way (especially as teenagers and into adulthood). It's great to have general principles and scriptural guidelines (which she starts with), but it's even better to show how to move those principles into action.

Another great aspect of this book was the way it addresses so many seasons of raising boys. This isn't just for mothers of preschool boys, or mothers of teenage boys, or mothers whose boys have left home--it's for all the above. She included thoughts I've read before, ideas I've previously implemented with my boys, and many ideas I have never heard before and for stages of life I've not yet reached. This is a book that mothers can refer to again and again as the boys grow up.
While she addressed many relevant topics, I'll share just a little bit about the four areas I most appreciated in my first reading.

1. Sibling rivalry/conflict resolution are topics that always come up when talking about parenting multiple boys. While many excuse fighting with the theory that boys are establishing the pecking order and discovering the "alpha male", Groves values their brotherhood more and advises "lay the groundwork early on the no-hurting policy. It's always been my contention that no one should mistreat my children--not even another one of my children. . .'You don't hurt your brother.' That covers not only physical but emotional abuse" (33).
2. Teaching respect/manners/social skills are topics that are far too often overlooked in parenting books, not practiced by parents, and frankly something I struggle with in raising my boys. Groves' counsel is extensive and appreciated. Here are a few nuggets to whet your appetite. "We need to encourage leadership and independent thinking, but at the same time, we must balance that with lessons about excessive pride, healthy self-confidence, and understanding others" (36). "It's important that boys understand how to act in different social situations. . .they do need to understand the boundaries of acceptable social interaction. . .common courtesy"(57) "Remind your sons to wait until another is done talking and not to chime in and 'steal their brother's thunder' when that brother is telling a story or joke. Teach them to be considerate listeners as well as good conversationalists" (86).
   
   "Our sons' ultimate responsibilities as Christian men will likely include the leadership of families and the sharing of their faith. In 2 Corinthians 5:20 we're reminded that 'We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us'"(93).
   "Grow a healthy respect in your boys for themselves and others and a proper understanding of authority. . .Respect says 'All of us are born with worth, and I acknowledge your value.' Titus 3:1-2 gives a complete definition of true respect: "Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men" (129). "Manners are, in fact, an extension of respectful behavior. The behavior of a well-mannered boy says "I know it's not all about me." Using manners acknowledges the value of those around us. We're reminded in Philippians 2:3 that our minds are to be set toward others: 'Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves" (137).
3. Teaching discernment in reading, electronic media, and interacting with others is another area Groves addressed. "The average boy will spend well less than half the time with his parents that he spends with his media" (114), she said, so we must help them develop discernment in decision-making.
   
   How do we teach discernment? Ask "thought-provoking questions that lead a child to examine the story and the actions of the character. . .To discern is to perceive the true nature of something, to cut through outward issues to get to the truth" (117).
   Why should they learn to love reading? "A reader is an understander--he knows what it's like to be in someone else's shoes. . .A well-written book allows them to experience what it's like to be another person. And isn't that the very basis of empathy and kindness? Isn't it a key component of love?" (118) While I preread books for my children and try to guide their choices, my preference is to help them understand WHY certain books or movies are worthwhile while others are, at best, a waste of time. I don't want to ban certain books or make blanket statements about types of books or movies or refuse to let them read or watch something "because I said so". My new favorite quote to express my thoughts in this area was shared by Groves and comes from British novelist E. M. Forster: 'Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon'" (115).
4. Finally, Groves emphasizes intentional parenting and knowing each child individually which requires time, effort, and involvement. She encourages mothers to avoid favoritism and labeling for "if we label our sons, they all too often grow into those labels and they stop there. This leaves them with no chance to branch out, to break out, and to become who they really are gifted to be" (152).

These tips have been well-received by this mother of boys, and I am grateful to Laura Lee Groves for sharing her experiences and lessons she has learned with those of us following along behind her on this parenting journey.