I Gave Dating a Chance

I Gave Dating a Chance: A Biblical Perspective to Balance the Extremes by Jeramy Clark

I finished this the end of last year but just haven't had a chance to sit down and articulate my thoughts on it.  I liked it, for the most part.  I thought it was a pretty balanced guideline for dating christians.

I have to admit to some wry grins as I read, because he was obviously writing to refute Joshua Harris's "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and while hinting that he found Harris's book a legalistic set of rules ("perfect formula") about how to find a spouse, he himself had his own lists of rules.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to someone compiling a list of guidelines for. . .for example, accountability (1. find someone of the same sex you can trust, 2. be consistent in meeting together, 3. establish guidelines for the times to discuss a list of questions instead of just hanging out, 4. be willing to listen to what the partner advises, 5. be willing to say the tough thing, 6. speak the truth in love, 6. be specific in setting goals such as avoiding improper speech or avoiding inappropriate alone time, 7. pray for one another). . .but I grimace when this author's lists are "okay" and the other author's lists are legalistic.

I also hesitated and penciled question marks in the margins when the author said things like "God wants to see you contented and filled" and applied Psalm 37:4 to God wanting to fill a person's desire to date someone, and even some implication that it honors God when we have romantic feelings toward someone because it shows Him that we appreciate His creation.  Yes, God wants us to be contented IN HIM and filled WITH HIM.  Don't start young people on that road paved with "God wants me to be happy."  And I surely don't have to spell out the potential slippery slope when we start with a foundation of appreciating God's creation as justification for having interest in a member of the opposite sex.

I'm also torn at his encouragement of "casual dating."  He encourages dating people in a lighthearted way when you are in a season of not being ready for marriage, just to learn how to interact in a relationship and to get to know members of the opposite sex.  While that might sound good in theory, it's hard for me to believe it can actually work in practice.  Rarely, in my experience and observation, do both people truly have a "lighthearted" approach.  They might both agree to that idea, but one is usually hoping that with time and exposure the other will start to share the romantic feelings he or she already has, or they might start out that way, but then one tends to develop feelings for the other.  It sounds good in theory, but seems fraught with opportunity for hurt and compromise to me.

Now that I have the negative aspects out of the way, there were many, many positive points.  I really appreciated his thoughts on the selfishness and attention-seeking driven desires of flirting, his focus on being God-honoring in our conduct, his warnings against pride and especially viewing dating as an interview to see if the other person is "good enough for me", and the importance of thinking independently "without the tyranny of needing to compare ourselves with others" (someone's gotta give me an AMEN! on that one!).  I like his guidelines while "on a date" such as focusing on conversation more than activity and his discussions of purity, what it is, and how to maintain it.  I especially liked his advice about having help and involvement from parents and friends instead of sneaking around.

I'm glad I read it as there are many good points.  As usual, however, I have some of my own thoughts that don't line up with his, so I take what seems good and leave other points behind.