Her Mother Didn't Know Her

I remember the Columbine shooting back in 1999, but I just recently read She Said Yes: The Unlikely Martyrdom of Cassie Bernall, the book about a girl who was killed when the gunman asked her if she believed in God. It was written by her mother, and it was not at all what I expected.

I guess, as I type that, I don't know what I DID expect. But for sure, I didn't expect to read a book that reminds me how important it is for us parents to know our children and to keep their hearts. How focused I need to be to gain the role of my child's confidant, to help them understand why I make the decisions I make, and to stay plugged in with their thoughts, dreams, and disappointments! I didn't expect to be challenged to take drastic measures to redeem my child--to make whatever sacrifices are needed to protect and guide them. I didn't expect to be awed, once again, by the power God has to change a life.

Believe it or not, Cassie entered her teen years in outright rebellion. She was involved in the Goth movement and even in the occult. She and a friend had detailed plans to murder both a teacher and Cassie's parents. At one point in her life, she would have identified with her murderer. But her parents didn't know her. They didn't know what was going on in her life, what she was thinking, who her friends were. Quite by accident, her mother found a letter Cassie had written telling how much she hated her parents and plans to murder them. This is when her parents started re-evaluating their parenting philosophies and practices, and decided they needed to make some drastic changes (even sacrifices) for their daughter's benefit.

"Gradually we began to see where we had failed Cassie as parents, especially in the period leading up to her most troubled phase. Previously, whenever Cassie was rebellious, we had tried harder to win her friendship. . .in the end, we were catering to her whims and wishes far more than we ever wanted to. (A friend said) 'Stop trying so hard to be Cassie's friend. You're the adult; you're her mother; you call the shots. You don't have to have Cassie's approval for everything you do. She'll just end up thinking that the world revolves around her, and that she can do whatever she wants.'. . .I began to see my role as a parent in a new way--as a mentor and confidant, rather than as a buddy. I stopped trying to please Cassie and make her like me, and I started trying to guide her more consistently. Unbelievably, instead of rebelling, she accepted the boundaries I set for her and even seemed grateful for them" (80-81).

(What a concept, a child seeming grateful for boundaries! But I digress. . .) So, long story short, Cassie's parents removed her from her school and sent her to a private school, and even moved to a different house. Her mother quit her job so she would have more time to be involved in her children's lives. After some time at the private Christian school and involvement in a church youth group, Cassie was showing different fruit and eventually asked to go to a different school--Columbine--where she would eventually be given the opportunity to stand up for the One who had changed her life so radically.

There is a tone in the mother's writing that still makes me sad. I don't think she ever really knew her daughter--either during her rebellious phase or after. Her writing is filled with wondering and hesitance, and she shares quotes from Cassie's friends, from letters she has found since Cassie died, and in Cassie's journal and Bible study guides as if all these pieces of her daughter are just now being discovered. And that makes me sad. What I'm taking from this book is not as much about a young person being killed for her faith as I thought it would be. I do agree with her mother who said "To me, Cassie's life says that it is better to die for what you believe, than to live a lie" (160). But more than that, I'm reminded of the importance of relationship. I'm thinking about the priorities our society sets, and how easily we parents can just go along with the culture around us.

"Why, when parents and lawmakers are calling for gun control and an end to TV violence, are our young crying out for relationships? Why, when we offer them psychologists and counselors and experts on conflict resolution, are they going to youth groups and looking for friends? Why, when everyone else is apportioning blame and constructing new defenses, are they talking about a change of the heart?" (159)

I am convicted to spend less time on myself and more time building and nurturing the relationships with my children. I can't imagine writing a book about my child, after his/her death, in an effort to figure out who they were.

Playing Around

I'm venturing out and messing around with my blog! I love the book background and have visions of additional pages floating around in my head.

• I have a list of books I've read this year on a page now.
  
• I'm thinking it would be fun to have a page introducing our family members,
  
• a page possibly talking about homeschool curricula we're using,
  
• a page of quotes that make me think,
  
• a page for adoption poems and verses that bless me, and maybe even some articles that have impacted me . . .

The possibilities are limitless!! (Well, okay, you're right, they are limited by my time! But for now, in my mind. . .)

and on the adoption front. . .
we continue waiting! My guess is that Keisha took the profiles home with her over the weekend so she could think about them some more. Maybe we'll find out Monday. . .It's such a big decision! I just can't imagine how hard it must be. Depending on her decision, we have also been asked if we are interested in being presented to a birthmother who is expecting a baby in August. I don't know much about this situation, but the one thing that hits me in the gut is that this birthmother went to have an abortion at 16 weeks gestation because she knew she couldn't raise a child in her circumstances. After watching a video at the clinic, she decided she couldn't kill her baby, so walked out of the clinic to make a plan for her baby's life!

This reminds me of one of the many reasons our family has taken this path that is full of hills, corners, valleys and high places. It's all worth it, regardless of the little dips in the road. I am thankful for the reminder to keep on keepin' on.

Waiting

So, we are being presented to a birthmother sometime today. Her name is Keisha and she is expecting a baby girl around July 27. We will hopefully know tomorrow whether she chooses us to parent her baby or someone else to parent her baby.

Have I mentioned I'm not so great at waiting???

I'm trying not to get my hopes up because. . .well, you know how this particular adoption journey has been. I've honestly been thinking it just must not be God's will for us to adopt again. Our home study expires in October, but other things will start needing renewed before then--like the child abuse screening which expires in July. I've even parted emotionally (though not yet physically as I haven't seen her yet) with the sweet little baby girl clothes my Bunco friends blessed us with in plans to pass them on to a Bunco babe who recently had a little girl.

Now that little spark of hope is renewed, shining faintly deep inside. And do you not think "Shalana" is a cool name? My husband's name is Alan, put my Sh in front of it and feminize. . .it means precious, awakening. Hmmmm. . .

Giving--One Million Arrows Part II

I didn't grow up in a 'giving' home, so it's a relatively new concept for me. My family was very independent, and expected others to be independent as well. If someone didn't have enough money for something, well, they should just work harder or do without. If you want to do some good thing, great, but don't ask me for money to do it--you're the one who wants to do it, so you should be the one to pay for it.

It's been interesting to grow and see a different perspective on this subject. Some people genuinely have the gift of giving. According to Scripture, we all have a responsibility to be good stewards and part of being a good steward is using God's money (for truly, all we have is really God's) to do His work. The book "One Million Arrows" really made me think a lot about this subject.

"If I'm honest with myself, I'll admit it's my priorities, not my bank account--no matter how puny--that keeps me from giving extravagantly to God's work. . .I'll spend money on hobbies, clothes, vacations, recreation, beauty treatments, enough books to start my own library. . .then say I don't have enough money (to give)" (91).

The author of the book said this, but it's definitely true for me and I have a feeling I'm not the only one. It's my priorities that keep me from giving more for God's glory. I am reminded of God destroying Sodom with fire and Ezekiel 16:49 tells us it was because "Sodom's sins were pride, laziness, and gluttony, while the poor and needy suffered outside her door."

I've heard people question why God allows such suffering; why are there poor people and starving children around the world. But God has given the world his people--why do WE allow suffering? "The fact is, God's children--you and I--are His ambassadors on this earth. We are His hands, His feet, His heart, His food, and His money. You and I are possibly the only chance this world will ever get to actually see Jesus" (98). It's embarrassing to me to think I so often choose self over what God would have me to do.

"More money funneling into our eager little hands does not mean more blessed; it means more responsibility" (88).

This quote is so convicting to me. More money doesn't mean I get a fancier house, nicer car, prettier clothes, or more books. More money means I am more accountable--"To whom much is given, much is required" (Luke 12:48). It means I have more opportunity to do good. It means more testing to see if I will choose to serve self or serve God. (And before you start thinking this doesn't apply to you because you don't have a certain amount of money, remember that just by being a US citizen you are richer than a large percentage of the world.)

I feel like I am just beginning to discern the tip of the iceberg of giving. You start giving thinking you are helping someone else, but "giving is more for us than for the cause" (96). Once you put your money toward something, your heart starts to follow and you become more and more passionate for doing the Lord's work (91). The time comes that you "offer our very best to God for the 'least of these' in a way that truly costs us something" (99) and realize that "God's presence is never more pronounced than when we're taking risks for Him, living sacrificially and surrendered" (133).

Don't we all want more of God's presence? This is one way--by using your money for others and not yourself. Give to the point that it costs you something and you are living sacrificially and surrendered. Why would we not give? "I'm convinced that the greatest deterrent to giving is this: the illusion that this earth is our home" (133).

"It's a total letting go of our worldly ambitions and selfish interests, exchanging them for new goals and priorities. . .day-by-day devotion, giving up of pride, convenience, popularity, laziness, materialism, and indifference. It's making all our God-given resources--all we have and all we are--mobilized and ready to be used for the mission. It is dying to self" (111).

"Giving up is about the condition of our hearts, not about living below the poverty line. It's about continually prying our hearts from everything God has given us, making it all available for the mission, lest it become so important that it strangles God's individual dreams for us. His dreams are so much grander than what we now hold in our hands. Hold it all loosely. Use it all for His glory. He wants everything" (123).

The thought of 'things' and 'stuff' becoming so important that they strangle God's individual dreams for me almost makes me sick. What am I missing because I'm holding too tightly to my stuff? I know, I know, that what He wants for me is so much better than anything I could ever dream for myself.

Hold it all loosely.

"Instead of focusing on what you don't have or can't do, put all you do have into the hands of Jesus. Bring what you have to the Lord and trust Him to multiply it. Give thanks to God for the small things and use them for His Kingdom" (94).

I Am Loved

Have you ever had one of those weeks when you feel like you can't do anything right? When you talk to one person, you just get some wires crossed and after the conversation you walk away thinking 'that was weird'. Then someone tells you that your confidence in what you're doing is intimidating and you wonder if you're being prideful or if you're supposed to act insecure in an area you have been extra-diligent to educate yourself in or what. And to top it all off, when you try to talk to your husband he is distracted or something and just doesn't 'get' what you're saying.

I once heard something along the lines that if everyone is frustrating and irritating you and things just feel off in your relationships, the problem is you. I've certainly known this to be true in my life!

But this week I was so blessed when my sweet little Easton came into the house toting a gift of love for his momma. He found them in his sandbox, got the vase all by himself, put water in it, and brought it to me with a huge grin, a hug, and a verbal declaration of his love.

I have never appreciated maple tree seedlings so much!

One Million Arrows

I recently finished Julie Ferwerda's book One Million Arrows: Raising Your Children to Change the World. A book review I read intrigued me, and I knew I had to read it. There are so many nuggets I just can't do the book justice, so I'll share just a few that blessed me most.

• I appreciated the message of humility in this book. The author introduces us to M.A. Thomas (Papa) from India who rescued tens of thousands of children off the streets, made "Hope Homes" for them to find safety and security in, and shared the gospel with them before sending them out in the world to tell others the story of Jesus. He is described as "a simple, warm, unhurried man who was genuinely interested in others. In fact, even after talking to him for several days, I had no idea" (12) of all the great works he's done and awards he's won for humanitarian contribution. The author continues that "most everything I learned about his achievements came from others" (12). This attitude is quite contrary to our human nature of wanting to make sure everyone knows and appreciates, indeed, validates, our every little accomplishment--while perfectly in line with what Jesus said about giving our alms in secret.
• This book also reiterates the ideal of the teen years being productive and a preparation for life as they will soon be sent into the world as arrows for God. "More than just raising my kids to keep the faith, I want to raise my kids to save lives" (6) states the author. "The teen years are not a vacation from responsibility. They are the training ground of future leaders who dare to be responsible now (7). "The enemy wishes nothing more than to coax our kids, if not into rebellion, into pursuing passionless, insignificant, and potentially empty lives. As long as he can hamstring them with apathy, he need not worry about them doing damage to his kingdom. Our children can either be pawns unaware, or they can be weapons of mass destruction against forces of evil in the unseen realm" (21). "Our kids want more passion. They want more risk. They crave significance. Even in Bible days, kids were given big assignments full of exciting challenges, daring adventures, human impossibilities, and even death-defying feats" (31). "To fill their need for speed, many of our kids bury themselves in gaming, social networking, TV and reality shows, graphic movies, another forms of mind-numbing amusement, often at the expense of meaningful family relationships or selfless contributions in the lives of others. Our little ones grow up having almost everything their hearts desire, yet for so many, their hearts are still beyond empty. Their faith does not seem to be the anchor that holds on the rough seas of life" (42). "Young people have more energy than they know what to do with. They're no longer children, and yet they don't have the responsibilities of their own family, and so it's important at that point that your household have a sense of vision and adventure in doing hard things for the glory of God. You don't want to control what they're doing, but you do want to influence what they're doing" (61)
• I really appreciated the message of family present in this book. They encourage families becoming a team in working together for God (61) and the importance of "parents who believe in making sacrifices necessary to raise their kids to make a difference" (8). She reminded me to focus "less on what your family can do for God and more importantly on what God wants to do through your family" (22). The author encourages parents to do their job as "the responsibility for raising spiritual champions (believers who continually seek to deepen their relationship with God, impact others for Christ, and accept the Bible as authoritative truth), according to the Bible, belongs to parents" (43). The importance of relationship was emphasized as "relationships are foundational to beliefs, values, and behavior. God doesn't work in a vacuum; He works through relationships. Rules without relationship lead to rebellion. Truth without relationship leads to rejection. Discipline without relationship leads to bitterness" (56).
• I was touched by the role of adoption on this book. "If children are your gift to mankind, Lord, why are so many of them as broken and unwanted as dead branches?" Papa asked. He then realized he could "gather broken branches (orphaned and abandoned children), sharpen them with education, faith, and a heart for the Great Commission, and launch them like arrows back into all the regions of India that have never heard about Jesus" (17).
• I am being challenged by the parenting principles recommended in this book. I have so much to learn and implement on this parenting journey! They interviewed parents who have produced fruit in the children they have raised. Some of the tips that I most appreciated are: start training them when they are young, memorize Scripture, emphasize humility and character above immediate pleasure and self-gratification, give thanks to the Lord in everything, teach them not to praise or talk about themselves but to let others do it, get them outside themselves from an early age, caring about the needs and problems of others. (53) One family summarized the way they raised their children to be arrows for the Lord by saying "it's a mentality, a lifestyle, and a change of priorities that permeates the whole family's lives and schedules, centering everyone on God's priorities and plans" (54). I can't get over that excellent statement, truly a challenge to me. Others shared that the "Bible uses the word 'christian' only three times, but the word 'disciple' occurs over 200 times" (61) so they were "teaching their children to live daily with Jesus, and to live like Jesus would have them live" as the word disciple literally means student or follower. "Discipleship is in essence training, not just teaching. The parent who trains, first explains to the children what to do (teaches), then shows them by example how to do it (models), then follows through to make sure the children implement and practice the behavior (holds accountable)" (61). Most outstanding to me, "Every Christian home in America is a potential Bible college" (83).

There is so much in this book that convicts, challenges, and inspires me--I think I'll have to do a 'part two' post. Like someone in the book said "I don't want to miss out on what God has for me" (83), nor do I want my children to miss out because of my laziness, apathy, or misplaced priorities. I know there is so much more our family could be doing for God, and it is my constant prayer that He will lead us in His paths.

What Do You See?

While driving to Kansas City last weekend we were passed by a really nice Corvette. Alan guessed it would sell for around $50,000 to $60,000.
We also drove past this house in a nice neighborhood (where no dandelions dared grow).Alan's estimate is that the garage/shed/carriage house (??) would cost about $200,000 to build, and the house around half a million. It also has a real estate gem--location, location, location.I'm not sure what has caused it, but when I see things like this I see waste. It might have something to do with books I've read recently, such as Crazy Love and One Million Arrows (review coming soon!). It might have something to do with adoption--both our adoption journeys and those of people we know or have met online. When I look at these high-dollar purchases I see children.

Children in orphanages, children in foster care, children tossed into the recycle can at abortion clinics.

I get very frustrated at the cost of adoption. Why, I wonder, does it cost so much? I've heard a couple things that I don't want to forget. One compares adopting to paying a ransom. If someone kidnapped your child, you would be more than willing to pay twenty or thirty thousand dollars to return your child to the safety and security of your home so you could wrap your arms around him or her. It's the same with adoption--when your child of the heart is held ransom, you just pay it. Some borrow it, some beg for it, all make sacrifices to obtain it. But you pay it. You can't take that money with you, anyway.

I also want to remember something said by a man who adopted many children, was an advocate for adoption, and especially worked to redeem children from sex trafficking, then was tragically killed in a car accident last winter.

My friends, adoption is redemption.

It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous.

Buying back lives costs so much.

When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him."

~Derek Loux

How many children could be redeemed, how many children could be ransomed, by the money spent on the above-pictured indulgences?

Finally, I think the more time I spend in the Word of God, the more I see such expenditures and extravagant lifestyles as waste. I think of Nebuchadnezzar "at home in his palace contented and prosperous" (Daniel 4:4) being warned that he would 'be driven away from people and will live with the wild animals: you will eat grass like cattle and be drenched with the dew of heaven' (4:25) unless he would "renounce your sins by doing what is right, and your wickedness by being kind to the oppressed. It may be that then your prosperity will continue" (4:27).

I wonder how much we are contented and prosperous in our homes instead of doing what is right and being kind to the oppressed today. I think of the Lord's call to care for the needs of others, particularly the widows and orphans.

We were privileged to be part of a Bible study last Thursday and I learned a great deal. We studied the book of Haggai, and the part that impacted me the most involved how the children of Israel were "living in their paneled houses" while the Lord's house remained a ruin (Haggai 1:4). "Give careful thought to your ways," God told them. "You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it" (1:5-6).

This study reminded me so much of christians in our society today. People work and work but are never content. They spend money as fast as they make it (indeed, the national average of debt shows they spend it BEFORE they make it!) and live at a higher standard than they can comfortably afford. Meanwhile, the work of the Lord is neglected. How convicting!!

If you're like me and thinking about this moves you, I know of three good places you could invest some of those wages instead of in a purse with holes in it. All these people are striving to do the Lord's work in caring for the orphans.

• One friend has partnered with her oldest sister to raise money for their middle sister who has adopted two orphans from Russia and is in the process of adopting two more orphans from Bulgaria.
• Another friend has adopted previously and is soon traveling to Ethiopia to bring home two more orphans and she is raising money to help the orphanages with diapers and formula for the children being left behind.
• And yet another friend is nearly finished with her campaign to raise $10,000 in 21 days which she is distributing among 26 families who are adopting children of all ages and from many different countries, including the US.

We can't say we'd like to give but don't know how when there are people out there like this, raising money (not even for themselves!). I am convicted today to waste less on things that will rust and instead lay up treasure in heaven. (Matthew 6:20-21)