Out of a Far Country

Out of a Far Country: A Gay Son's Journey to God. A Broken Mother's Search for Hope. by Christopher Yuan

This was a relatively quick read as it's written in a conversational tone, but some of the subject matter made it a rather tough read. I am glad they shared their stories, both his of falling into the depths of depravity (homosexual promiscuous lifestyle, drug use, partying, drug dealing) which resulted in contracting the HIV virus and prison, and his mother's journey of despair over her son's choices to the point of considering suicide, and then coming to a faith in the Lord and dedicating herself to loving and praying for her son and trying to share her faith with him. I guess as a mother my heart related to her heartbreak as she had to watch him make horrible choice after horrible choice while she stood by helpless to control the situation. At the same time, I was thankful for his honesty in sharing where his head was during that time, even if I didn't always understand it.

I appreciated his mother's comparison between her own sin and Christopher's:
"God really had brought me a long way in just a few years. In the past, I would have been full of shame that my son was in such trouble with the school. But since coming to Christ and realizing my own brokenness and need for forgiveness, I knew that Christopher's rebellion was really no different than my own sins. It was just that Christopher's were more obvious. We're all sinners, and knowing that helped me stop worrying about what other people thought" (72).

And I thought Christopher's realizations about homosexuality being an idol that he elevated above Jesus as he came to a faith in Christ:
"After that, I turned to the Bible alone and went through every verse, every chapter, every page of Scripture looking for biblical justification for homosexuality. I couldn't find any. I was at a turning point, and a decision had to be made. Either abandon God to live as a homosexual--by allowing my feelings and sexual passions to dictate who I was. Or abandon homosexuality--by liberating myself from my feelings--and live as a follower of Jesus Christ" (186).

My Epiphany

I was excited when a facebook friend posted about an opportunity to go through Beth Moore's revised "Breaking Free" study.  I had planned to lead a group of friends through a study of I Corinthians starting in January, but was feeling overwhelmed with life in general, let alone leading a study on top of it all.  So I asked the ladies if they wanted to go to this with me instead.  Only two of them expressed an interest, and all agreed that it wasn't a great time to do the study of Corinthians.

The day of the study, the two friends I thought would go with me decided not to go.  Kiana had a commitment with her tumbling group 30 minutes west of us and Easton had a commitment with his Lego League team in the same town as the study.  Alan and I chose to divide and conquer, he took Kiana and the two little ones while I planned to take Easton to Lego League from 4:30-6:30, then keep him with me for the study from 6:30-8:30.  I started feeling guilty, knowing Alan would be home about 7 and need to get supper and everything for the other three kids, so I thought about going home to help him instead of going to the study.  But no, I really did want to do this study.

So I went to the building only to find the parking lot completely full with cars lining both sides of the street.  "Ugh," I thought, "there are lots of people here. I don't know these people. . .no one is expecting me.  Easton is sitting here with only a string cheese, granola bar, and clementine for supper. Maybe I should just go home."  I finally decided just to go, I had already bought the study guide and I really WAS looking forward to digging into it.

I share all this to remind myself and to illustrate how I almost didn't even go.  I almost didn't even go to the study.

When the teaching started, I thought it was interesting that we turned right to Judges 6 with Gideon.  I had already read about him in my Bible reading that morning!  Interesting. . .

Beth expanded on the passage by explaining how the Israelites were being oppressed by the Midianites, bearing the yoke of slavery, and how we need to seek freedom as "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1).  She outlined what oppression looks like and I wrote down several quotes:

• Anytime you are preoccupied by destructive thoughts, you are in a stronghold.  
• Bondage is anything that hinders us from the fullness God calls us to be, anything undermining the abundant life God has for you.

Beth is a word person, so she camped on two words from the passage, saying the goal of the oppressor is to make us:

• Unproductive (vs. 3-4) which from the original Hebrew means ruin, corrupt, lose, spill, waste.  In the KJV terminology, the oppressors "destroyed the increase".  She asked us "When's the last time you told yourself you put all that work into it and it came to nothing?  When did you give in to failure so you wouldn't have to suffer defeat again?"
• Impoverished (vs. 6)--which from the original Hebrew means bring low, dry up, be emptied, not be equal, failure, be impoverished.  She summarized "If you've been feeling like a failure, you are in oppression."

Well, this had my attention, that's for sure!  I had indeed been preoccupied by destructive thoughts these last several weeks, and they were the words she was saying almost verbatim!

She continued through the study, making points like "God stands to get much glory from making mighty warriors out of the least likely" and admonishing us not to become cynical asking "Where are his wonderful deeds?" (vs. 13) when we don't see fruit right away.  She reminded us "whatever we may end up setting on the altar will be wholly received by God.  Don't be scared of what you have to give up--it is so you will be free to receive what He has to give you.  Don't be scared of what you'll give up, be scared of what you'll miss if you don't."

Tears ran down my cheeks all the way home from the study.  I had been praying and praying, asking if I should even continue homeschooling, if it was worth it, if I was even doing a good job.  I really didn't want to do it anymore because of the feelings and destructive thoughts filling my mind.  But Alan said he really thought we needed to continue, so I was continuing in obedience to him even as I still had my own doubts.  But I felt like this was God answering my prayers.  Homeschooling is not for everyone, I'm certainly not saying that.  But as I went through the study, I knew that it is for our family--still.

I also had my eyes opened that those thoughts, those lies and accusations that were haunting my thoughts, were from the devil. . .oppression  He works through accusations (Revelation 12:10) and lies (John 8:44) and he prowls around like a roaring lion seeking who he may devour (I Peter 5:8).  I had certainly been preoccupied by destructive thoughts, unproductive, and impoverished.

Since that study, I have had such peace and stillness instead of stress, torment, and worry.  I'll do my part in obedience and rest in Him as He alone gives the increase.  I'm looking forward to these next ten weeks in the Word and can't wait to see what He teaches me.

The Season I Almost Moved to Australia

It was a TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY.

I almost moved to Australia.

Well, okay, not really.  But I almost convinced myself I was a big, fat failure and was just wasting my time homeschooling my children.

I texted my husband:  "I feel like a failure.  And I want a different job."

I got on "long-name-amazing-results" for my region and started looking for jobs.  Not. even. kidding.

I *almost* called our local school district to see what their scope and sequence is for kindergarten, second, and third grades to see how it compares to where we are.

I really did call our local christian school to see when their new semester starts and how much it would cost to send my middle three children.

I wasn't ENJOYING homeschooling anymore.  I used to really enjoy it.  Planning lessons was fun.  Seeing the light bulb when the children understood a new concept was fun.  Organizing track and field days, musicals, PE, softball, and cooperative classes with area homeschoolers was fun and invigorating.  Going to homeschool conferences with other homeschooling moms, making my MOTH schedule, reading books about educational philosophies was all just a ton of fun.

Now I'm tired.  I'm tired in general, and I'm tired of doing this.  I'm tired of teaching the same old things.  I'm tired of enforcing schedules and chore times and reminding children to "Focus. Sit still. Pay attention."

I wonder what it would be like to be "Just Mom."  To exclaim over the projects they do at school and listen to the excitement in their voices as they tell me about what they've learned.  That someone else taught them.

I've been haunted by feelings of failure.  Things don't always go just the way I want them to, or always imagined they would.  I'm not sure I'm doing a good job anymore.  Different kids learn differently.  I'm older and have a lot of kids in different and difficult seasons.  I feel like I've invested so much of myself and my time and all that work, and for what?  I don't feel like investing even more just for more failure and heartbreak.

I spent a few weeks in that place.  I cried a little every day, and cried some more every time I talked to my husband about these feelings.  He was patient.  He listened, he prayed with me and for me.

But he said he wanted us to continue homeschooling.  He asked how he could help share the load and he pitched in.  He sent me encouraging emails from work such as the following verse:

with a short note:

"Thinking of you and remembering how much I trust what you are doing for our family.  You keep us fed, clothed, healthy, and taught.  I have confidence in the teaching you are doing.  Thanks for pouring your heart into our children."

Then a friend posted on facebook about a ladies' Bible study that was about to begin.

To be continued. . .

My One Word: Savor

After reading My One Word, I settled on "savor" as my word to focus on in 2016.  It really isn't the word I thought I would choose.  I narrowed my list of sixteen down to three words, benefit, free, and savor, and continued reflecting on them.  I found many, many verses in the Bible that related to benefit and free, and few verses came to mind as I thought about "savor". But as I thought about WHO I want to be and HOW I want to be, as the book instructed, the word savor just resonated with where I am right now.

Savor means:
taste and enjoy it completely,
enjoy or appreciate completely, especially by dwelling on it
to delight in

 As I considered my goals for 2016, I knew I wanted to do better at savoring the Lord.  "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!  Blessed is the man (or woman) who takes refuge in Him."  Psalm 34:8

I want to be more consistent in spending time in the Word, to desire it, to relish and savor it, to hunger and thirst for it.

I want to "set my mind" on the things of God, first and foremost.  I remembered that Jesus rebuked Peter (in Matthew 16:23) for not savoring the things of God.  As I looked up the Greek word there, I saw that it can be translated "to exercise the mind, entertain, be mentally disposed to, set affection on, savor, think."

This leads to other areas I need to savor.  I want to better savor and appreciate my husband and our relationship.  It's a busy season, and it's easy to take him for granted.  I am purposing to enjoy him.

I want to savor this season, even in all its busyness and the many challenges that come with it.  This is Destry's last year at home.  Having an 18-year-old son is challenging, but it won't be long and he'll be out on his own.  I need to savor this last period of time I have with him.  Aryana is my last baby.  It's an exhausting season, trying to homeschool with a busy little one-year-old who is into everything and needs constant training, but it won't be long and she'll be a big kid too.  I want to delight in her antics and innocent joy.  I even need to be better at enjoying homeschooling in general.  It can become wearying, day in and day out, with fifteen years behind me and looking at seventeen more ahead of me.  But one aspect of this word "savor" seems to carry with it a sense of contentment and gratitude.  It's a choice, choosing joy, choosing to savor the moments.

I even found the word "savor" to complement my desire to get healthier this year.  I've made some changes in my diet (no Pepsi so far this year!), am implementing more exercise, and I've lost ten pounds.  I have many more to go, but I am trying to replace this idol of food in my life with more appropriate savoring--or cravings.  I am learning that I can actually enjoy and savor food more when I'm making wiser choices.  Hunger is, after all, the best seasoning.  I want to make the best of this stage of my life.  I'm not getting any younger, and I might as well feel the best that I can feel now.

I'm looking forward to seeing what I learn and how I grow this year by focusing on savoring in these areas.  I am tucking little reminders around my home to remind me to SAVOR, and I hope to journal throughout the year about how focusing on this word and attitude affect me.

My One Word, Part One

My One Word: Change Your Life With Just One Word by Mike Ashcraft

I've heard of the idea of choosing a word for the year instead of making New Year's resolutions, and when I saw a blog post that recommended this book, I decided to get and read it as 2015 ended and 2016 began.

The author says "We're so busy with the surface-level things of life that we forget to number our days and tend to our hearts." In an effort to live intentionally, he chooses a word for each year that he focuses on and tries to seek the Lord about how he can grow in that area. "Each year, that's my goal for my one word. I want to train my eyes to look at my world--all of it--through the lens of my one word. I need to lean to see differently, if I am going to live differently."

To sum up the process he outlines in his book, which I tried to follow, I first spent a few days brainstorming words in areas I thought I needed to grow in. I did the exercise of listing words to describe WHO and HOW I want to be. I prayed about the words, looked up exact definitions for several of them, and looked in a concordance and my Bible reading verses that addressed several of those words. Then I narrowed my list down to three words and journaled about them in my Bible journal, writing the definitions, how they would apply to my life, and copying several Bible verses that relate to them. Finally, I settled on my "ONE WORD" for 2016. It's not the one I thought I would choose as I started the exercise, but it's the one that's resonating with me. (In case you're wondering, my word is "savor".)

Continuing through the process he outlines in his book, I still need to find ways to post this word around me to remind me to think about it and be on the lookout for ways I can learn and grow in this area. He also strongly encourages people to journal throughout the year about what the Lord is teaching them in relation to their word and how they are growing. "It is grievous to have a fresh insight from God, neglect to write it down, lose it forever, only to recall that it is good." "I am convinced that our struggle to see God at work in our lives is not a result of his lack of work, but rather of our lack of attention to it."

I like many of the ideas in this book, and I like the way he ends each chapter with questions for reflection and assignments. I also like the way he shares stories and examples of words other people have chosen and how it helped shape their perspectives of the experiences they had in that year. On the other hand, I must admit I got tired of reading the book and I got tired of the author's voice, but I do think I got some good ideas from reading it and I look forward to seeing how this exercise affects my year.

Orphan Train

Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline

I thought this book was well-done as it alternated between the voice of a child's experience on the Orphan Trains of the early 1900s and her present-day encounter with a young lady in the foster system.

It really pulled on my heartstrings, I have to admit, both as I read about Molly's present-day life (over a dozen foster homes in nine years) and Vivian's life with "all those children sent on trains to the Midwest--collected off the streets of New York like refuse, garbage on a barge, to be sent as far away as possible, out of sight." Both of them experiencing "a pitiful kind of childhood, to know that no one loves you or is taking care of you, to always be on the outside looking in."

As an adoptive mother, several themes stood out to me:

--The fear of rejection I read that many adoptees carry throughout their lives: "I never lose the fear that any day Mr. Sorenson could be on the doorstep, telling me that the Nielsens have decided I'm too expensive, too much trouble, or merely a disappointment, and they've decided to let me go. In my nightmares I am alone on a train, headed into the wilderness. Or in a maze of hay bales. Or walking the streets of a big city, gazing at lights in every window, seeing the families inside, none of them mine."

--The tendency to block off your heart as a self-protective mechanism. "If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Molly learned long ago that a lot of the heartbreak and betrayal that other people fear their entire lives, she has already faced. Father dead. Mother off the deep end. Shuttled around and rejected time and time again. And still she breathes and sleeps and grows taller. She wakes up every morning and puts on clothes. So when she says it's okay, what she means is that she knows she can survive just about anything." "I learned long ago that loss is not only probable but inevitable. I know what it means to lose everything, to let go of one life and find another. And now I feel, with a strange, deep certainty, that it must be my lot in life to be taught that lesson over and over again. . .I can't go through this again. I can't give myself to someone so completely only to lose them. I don't want, ever again, to experience the loss of someone I love beyond reason."

--The changing of names. . .and identity with that name. From Niamh, to Dorothy, to Vivian. From Hans to Dutchy, to Luke.

--I was also intrigued at the sense of acceptance and choosing to focus on the good that permeated the story, especially contrasted with some of what I read from modern-day adoptees. "This bad thing happened, and this--and I found myself on a train--and this bad thing happened, and this--but I grew up to become a respectable, law-abiding citizen; I fell in love, I had children and grandchildren; in short, I've had a happy life, a life that could only have been possible because I was orphaned or abandoned and sent to Kansas or Minnesota or Oklahoma on a train. I wouldn't trade it for the world." I wonder what the difference/cause is for this change in perspective. . .

My Top Ten Books of 2015

I try to go back over the books I read each year to pick my "Top Ten," so even though it's already January 2 (of 2016!), I'm going to share my top ten books from 2015.  I think this year I'll try to categorize the 76 books I read and choose a favorite (or two) from each category.  I'll also try to link to the reviews I wrote of each book.

• For homeschool encouragement, I would pick Teaching from Rest by Sarah Mackenzie.  I loved it so much that I read it, coerced a bunch of friends to read it, and then read it again and hosted not one but TWO evenings in my home to discuss the book.  It has revolutionized and breathed new life and enjoyment into our days.  I'm also going to have to include Dumbing Us Down by John Taylor Gatto as it really made me think and validated my decision to continue this homeschooling journey, even though it's not an easy choice.
• Biography would be A Passion for God: The Spiritual Journey of A.W. Tozer by Dorsett.  I also read The Pursuit of God by Tozer himself this year, but actually enjoyed reading about him even more.
• My favorite book for spiritual encouragement would probably be The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller.  You are correct, there is no link to a review of this book because I simply couldn't review it.  This is another book that I read, gathered a group of friends to read it with me, and then hosted book discussions of the book for a few weeks.  This book caused me to look at the parable of "the prodigal son" more closely than I ever had before, and especially to consider how lost the older brother was.  It also challenged me to truly examine what sin is--not just a list of moral failings, but the root principles of sin.
• My favorite memoir would be The Other Wes Moore: One Name, Two Fates.  This book was a fascinating 'case study' of two men with the same name, same age, same race, who grew up in the same area during the same time in very similar circumstances. . .but who had two very different fates.  Fascinating.  I also have to include Jaiya John's Black Baby, White Hands as a close second favorite memoir.  It was not an easy read for me, especially as a White mama to Black children, but it was very thought-provoking and well-written.
• The best historical book I read was Boys in the Boat by Daniel James Brown.  It makes one think of Unbroken, although it is not quite that good (Hillenbrand is a master of her craft!).  It tells the story of the young men who won the gold medal rowing in the 1936 Olympics and what I enjoyed most was the way the author illustrated the effect their character had on their lives.
• Hands down, the best fiction novel I read this year was Inside the O'Briens by Lisa Genova.  I have enjoyed all of her books so far (her background as a neuroscientist really adds to her stories), but this story of a man affected by Huntington's disease was especially well-done.
• Classics--I have to pick two.  I couldn't decide between Great Expectations by Charles Dickens and The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald.  They were both well-written in different ways, but both provided much to discuss regarding character.

For next year, I have set a Goodreads goal of reading 85 books, and a friend and I are trying to choose books from the guidelines set out by Tim Challies in his 2016 Reading Challenge.  It's going to stretch me, but that's a good thing.  (We've made a spreadsheet on google docs to record our readings because we are just big dorks like that!)

I'd love to hear your recommendations and favorites from the last year (my want-to-read list needs to continue growing, right?).