I read The End of Boys by Peter Brown Hoffmeister last weekend and I am left with a disquieting feeling as a result. This was a autobiographical tale about a boy who had an unusual home life which led to OCD tendencies and an especially troubled season as a teenager.
I downloaded this book for free onto my Kindle (I'm finding it interesting the variety of books I'm reading as a result of this free and easy habit--some are surprisingly good and others simply a waste of time). It caught my interest when I saw that he was educated at home until he was 14 since I am homeschooling my children but am not a homeschool graduate myself.
Yet this book really wasn't about homeschooling. Rather, it painted a picture of struggling people limping along this parenting journey with their firstborn son. The mother had been raised by controlling and critical parents and then married a man of the same type. Her coping mechanisms varied from being a free-loving, fun, creative artist and mother to succumbing to depression or rage. The father seems to have overcome a life of poverty through working hard in athletics and academics eventually ending up as a neonatal intensive care physician. His life experiences led him to expect success and near-perfection from his children to the point that he never seemed pleased or satisfied with anything they did.
This book reminds me, yet again, of the importance of the role of fathers. . .the need a child (especially a son) has for the father's affirmation--approval--validation. It shows me how damaging a father's aloofness, criticism, competitiveness and lecturing can be both to the father/child relationship and the healthy development of the child.
Although the book is written from the perspective of the (now) adult son, I couldn't help reading it as a parent. I saw the mistakes the parents made with their conditional, performance-based love and approval. I winced as they chose harshness over mercy in a relatively minor encounter. I could have cried as the father insisted on bettering his sons at every turn and as the parents' pride and concern over what others thought of them overrode their concern for their son. I despaired as they rejected their son, pushed him away, and held grudges in response to his choices--which ultimately encouraged him to "live down" to their perception of him. The tentative reconciliation and healing that take place years later are bittersweet.
Raising children is a scary, scary business. I think if we realized the responsibility we would one day feel, we would never embark upon the journey--but then, I guess that's how it should be as God grows us along the journey as we trust in Him. (I found it especially interesting that the author observed his younger siblings growing up in a different family than he had--we grow and learn through life's trials.) What would you do if your child used drugs, skipped school, stole, meditated on murder? How is a parent to handle such a thing? I really don't know.
Ultimately our children are responsible for the decisions they make. We will not be perfect parents, we simply can't be, and they must go to God alone in order to be able to respond with grace and forgiveness in spite of our shortcomings. Yet this book still caused me to evaluate my parenting and whether my attitude, my words, and my actions are pointing my children to the Lord or driving them away both from the Lord and from me.
Disturbing book indeed. It wasn't one I would heartily recommend, but it was thought-provoking.
I downloaded this book for free onto my Kindle (I'm finding it interesting the variety of books I'm reading as a result of this free and easy habit--some are surprisingly good and others simply a waste of time). It caught my interest when I saw that he was educated at home until he was 14 since I am homeschooling my children but am not a homeschool graduate myself.Yet this book really wasn't about homeschooling. Rather, it painted a picture of struggling people limping along this parenting journey with their firstborn son. The mother had been raised by controlling and critical parents and then married a man of the same type. Her coping mechanisms varied from being a free-loving, fun, creative artist and mother to succumbing to depression or rage. The father seems to have overcome a life of poverty through working hard in athletics and academics eventually ending up as a neonatal intensive care physician. His life experiences led him to expect success and near-perfection from his children to the point that he never seemed pleased or satisfied with anything they did.
This book reminds me, yet again, of the importance of the role of fathers. . .the need a child (especially a son) has for the father's affirmation--approval--validation. It shows me how damaging a father's aloofness, criticism, competitiveness and lecturing can be both to the father/child relationship and the healthy development of the child.
Although the book is written from the perspective of the (now) adult son, I couldn't help reading it as a parent. I saw the mistakes the parents made with their conditional, performance-based love and approval. I winced as they chose harshness over mercy in a relatively minor encounter. I could have cried as the father insisted on bettering his sons at every turn and as the parents' pride and concern over what others thought of them overrode their concern for their son. I despaired as they rejected their son, pushed him away, and held grudges in response to his choices--which ultimately encouraged him to "live down" to their perception of him. The tentative reconciliation and healing that take place years later are bittersweet.
Raising children is a scary, scary business. I think if we realized the responsibility we would one day feel, we would never embark upon the journey--but then, I guess that's how it should be as God grows us along the journey as we trust in Him. (I found it especially interesting that the author observed his younger siblings growing up in a different family than he had--we grow and learn through life's trials.) What would you do if your child used drugs, skipped school, stole, meditated on murder? How is a parent to handle such a thing? I really don't know.
Ultimately our children are responsible for the decisions they make. We will not be perfect parents, we simply can't be, and they must go to God alone in order to be able to respond with grace and forgiveness in spite of our shortcomings. Yet this book still caused me to evaluate my parenting and whether my attitude, my words, and my actions are pointing my children to the Lord or driving them away both from the Lord and from me.
Disturbing book indeed. It wasn't one I would heartily recommend, but it was thought-provoking.
Yeah, it definitely doesn't sound like one I would want to pick up. But it sounds like you drew some interesting things out of it.
ReplyDeleteParenting IS a scary business. I have frequently wondered what I would do if one of my kids went off the deep end. I don't know. I just don't know. God's grace is definitely longed for in the whole adventure!
Interesting post! It also makes me wonder why the book was written. Why did we need to hear his story? Why did he feel compelled to share it? Do we really NEED to know everyone's life story? Are we publishing life stories just because we CAN and not because we SHOULD? As you say, somethings just aren't worth reading. Not that people aren't important - but really? Some things are best left unshared.
Interesting. I'd downloaded this one also, but hadn't gotten around to reading it yet. Thanks for the review!
ReplyDeleteInteresting. Did you want to finish it, Shonya? Did you feel compelled? I rarely lay down a book, but sometimes I do.
ReplyDeleteLove, though, how it got you thinking.
Carrie--I keep ruminating on your thoughts. I agree, it's too easy for everyone to publish his or her memoirs, and not every story is worth recording. I'm not sure about this one. . .it was definitely disturbing and not redemptive, yet it made me think and self-evaluate, and that's always a good thing!
ReplyDeleteLorri--looking forward to hearing your thoughts--it's still with me. . .
Laura--Yes, I have to admit I did feel compelled to finish it (and I rarely lay down a book as I like to think it will surely get better). I think it was because I was looking for redemption--for a happy ending and complete reconciliation. I was disappointed in the end and left feeling like the story wasn't quite finished. But, you know, that's real life--real life doesn't tie up the past with a nice, tidy bow. Rather, we do the best we can, heal the best we can, reconcile the best we can. . .and go on, hoping to have learned something from it.