Mothers and Daughters

I've talked before about how much I enjoy books by Francine Rivers. Her most recent books, Her Mother's Hope and Her Daughter's Dream have given me a lot to think about. They aren't as outstanding as the Mark of the Lion trilogy or Redeeming Love, but her characterization continues to be amazing. I know Marta, Hildie, Carolyn and May Flower Dawn. That's just the way Rivers writes--her characters are vivid and real. This book examines the relationships of four generations of mothers and daughters, the mistakes mothers made, the effects of their mistakes on their daughters, and the familial cycles that were perpetuated. At the same time, this little series (what does one call two books? a duet? giggle) celebrates a mother's love and perseverance, the healing power of forgiveness, and the soothing balm of sharing and communication.

I think the effect these books have on me may be because I am a daughter, and I am a mother to daughters. They make me evaluate my family background and the relationships I am establishing with my daughters and my sons.

I am reminded of the joy of being a mother at the same time I am reminded of the great responsibility of being a mother. I am reminded to take great care with my words as I see the effects of careless words and actions. So often, we adults can be careless with our words, whether in jest or frustration or in times of stress. Remember how Bruce Willis's character developed his nervous tic when his mother died in the movie "The Kid"? Our frantic admonition for our child to "get out of here and don't come in again" when we are sick and don't want to expose them makes perfect sense to us in our efforts to protect our child, but what does that child hear? "Go away, you're not wanted." Our joking to send our kids off to grandma's to get a break may seem silly and lighthearted with a fellow mother, but our children hear "I am in the way, too much work, and Mom doesn't want me around. Her life would be better without me." The effects of the words Carolyn's parents used in times of stress broke my heart and led me to self-evaluation. What do my children hear?

Or maybe it's what my children don't hear. Do I tell them I love them? We can't just assume they know because we do things for them--they need to hear the words. I know the pain of too many adults who didn't hear these words from their parents to think those words aren't necessary. Do I tell them I'm proud of them? Do I tell them I approve of them? Do I tell them they are valuable, a necessary part of this family, wanted and appreciated? These books reminded me to be purposeful in what I say--in what I communicate to my children.
These books also reminded me of the importance of teaching my children to stand on their own and to be their own person. I don't want to try to live out my own dreams through my daughters, or in some way make them think they need to be a "mini me" in order to be accepted. Our children look up to us so much, and willingly follow wherever we lead. I have to evaluate where I am leading my daughters--and where I am pointing them. It's so easy to just lead them to be like us, but we mothers have to point them to be like Christ. I change, I am uncertain, I stumble, but Christ alone is the Rock and the foundation upon which they must live and grow. I have to prayerfully help them discern their talents and their gifts and allow them to be used according to God's will, not mine.
I am so thankful for the joy of being a mother, even with its challenges, and I appreciated the many lessons Rivers shared through one family's story. I pray that God will work in my children's lives in spite of me and through my weaknesses and continue to draw both mother and daughters closer to Him (and one another) through the journey.

Kiana is Three

I'm a little behind, but here is Kiana's third birthday in pictures. She enjoyed every minute of it, and is very thrilled to be "flee." She's a big girl, you know. She had a really big birthday, because I think three is such a fun age for birthdays. She understands what it's all about, and she thinks it's all fun. I couldn't resist inviting a few of her friends over for a little party.

She chose the theme--butterflies--and helped me make the butterfly cupcakes. I think this might have been one of her favorite parts of her birthday celebration.
She was so proud of them, and it was a fun thing for us to do while Tyrell was sleeping and the oldest three were at soccer practice with daddy.
We started the party with fun little play stations. They started out with babies in the tent (their house) behind the couch, then they traveled to the store to get some groceries. I love how Kiana has her baby in her sling (just like mama going to the store!), and Lizzie Faith was so cute stationed behind the cash register.
They also got to go "out to eat at the restaurant" after shopping was over. Big sis was a good sport and joined in for the 'ladies lunch' while Easton took a turn being the waiter.
After playtime, they got to fingerpaint pictures of butterflies. Tirzah was pretty impressed with her messy hands. . .and most of them ended up requesting paintbrushes.

Everyone got a party hat and a candle in their cupcake to celebrate with the birthday girl.
Next was our family celebration, which she shared with her dear cousin Adi who turned five. Kiana just adores Adi, who is very patient with her, and at least once a day she tells me "I'm Adi--you be Aunt Shayla." Yeah, the cool Aunt Shayla made an awesome "Hello Kitty" birthday cake.
The birthday gathering wouldn't be complete without our annual family hayride! Kiana with big sis and cousin Adi.
Cousins Easton and Nathan--fun four-year-olds!
Yep, she's a farm girl!!
Safe in Sissy's arms--with Dora from Grandma.
Here I am with my friend and sister-in-law, Marcy, and Tyrell all bundled up on his first hayride.Kiana with lil cousin Mya.She was blessed with lots of fun presents from her family. Who would have thought a Dora notebook and pencil would be so much fun?!
And there are hours and hours of fun in a couple tubes of lipgloss.
Kiana and Aunt Shayla model their "lip-lip".
Playing with dress up clothes. . .

Dress up clothes are always more fun when someone else dresses up with you! Here is cousin Isaiah, also three, who LOVED the dress up clothes.What a fun, fun time for Kiana, and we are so blessed that she is our daughter.

What Would You Give?

I recently read Lois Lowry's The Messenger and, as is the case with many of her books, I can't stop thinking about it.

This book is the third in a trilogy that begins with The Giver and presents a bleak future as a result of a utopian experiment gone awry. The series is interesting for a broad variety of reasons, but ultimately addresses the themes of freedom and the depths of human character.

In The Messenger, we travel to "The Village" which is made up of people who have escaped other communities where the young, old, lame or anyone who was different weren't valued. As the book unfolds, however, we sense a malevolent undercurrent sweeping through The Village. Members of the community are attending the secretive TradeMart and coming home with luxuries such as a Gaming Machine and fancy sewing machines and fabric.

What they are giving in exchange for the luxuries isn't immediately obvious, but as Matty, the main character, continues his discreet observations, he notices some disturbing trends. One woman who adds a Gaming Machine to her home soon has chronically ill children, while another woman who was well-known for her sweet and submissive spirit becomes impatient and ill-tempered with her husband. The generous woman who made Matty clothes when he first arrived at the village has become selfish and stingy since receiving her fancy sewing machine. Matty's mentor, the gifted and patient teacher who loved literature and poetry and had a soft spot for all needy creatures, becomes more irritable, kicks sick puppies, and neglects education as his disfiguring birthmark and stooped shoulders fade.

Most disturbing of all, the villagers start building a wall to prevent other refugees of harsh communities from accessing their safe harbor and possibly depleting The Village resources.

These thoughts lead me to an evaluation of myself and my society. What do I trade for, and at what price? Will I trade my peace of mind and kindness for the busyness of activities and involvement? Will I trade my time with my family for my self-fulfillment and sense of importance or success? Will I trade my integrity for power and prestige? Will I trade the character of my children for their popularity? Will I trade my generosity for security? Will I trade my relationship with my children for my house, car, clothes, and vacations? Will I trade my self-respect for someone's approval?

Will I trade my eternal home for the pleasures of sin for a season?

I can't help but be reminded that everything costs something. It seems ludicrous to literally trade our inner self, who we are, for an attractive physical appearance. It's absurd to think of bartering with someone for our recreation, our hobbies, our fun, by offering the health of our children or our kind spirit. Ludicrous. . .absurd. . .or is it? In our selfish pursuits, might we indeed exchange these very traits without even realizing it?

I am struck by the irony that these people who had escaped communities where they were not valued fell victim to the very same error of not properly valuing that which was most needful. Our choices loudly proclaim what we value.

I am reminded today to evaluate (determine the value) and "count the cost" as I make choices.

Matthew 16:26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?

Breakfast Lilly's Way

Easton and Kiana have a new favorite delicacy on the breakfast menu.
This breakfast is a result of reading the book Chester's Way by Kevin Henkes, a story about two little mice boys who do everything together and the same, until they become friends with a girl mouse, Lilly, who moves into the neighborhood and teaches them that other choices are equally as enjoyable.
My cousin, Jenna, gave us this book as a gift when Kiana was her flower girl for her wedding. The kids love to read it and it has great illustrations whose detail they examine carefully. Leave it to my children to notice the details of Lilly's breakfast (as opposed to Chester's daily toast with peanut butter and jam cut diagonally) and request Lily's breakfast as their own.
They were so cute placing all the items just so and declared Lilly's breakfast a hit--so much so, that they've had it twice this week! (With what other breakfast would they get Cheetos, right?!)

Following the Rules

I have all sorts of thoughts swirling around in my head as a result of some of the books I've read recently.

I'm a rule-follower. That's what I've decided after some serious introspection. I am a "rules are made for following" type of person, not a "rules are made for breaking" type of person. I tend to think authority should be respected, and can get really frustrated and irritated when I perceive that someone isn't following the rules.

I wonder why I am this way. Is it my particular personality? Is it the way I was raised (for surely, I was expected to obey my parents--period--no questions asked)? As I read on another blog, could it be that I'm a product of a public school system with an unspoken agenda?
"I think it was John Taylor Gatto's book "Dumbing Us Down" that talked about what the schools really teach us and what the unspoken agenda reveals. A must read. Didn't you learn to be subordinate in school? To talk only when spoken to? To not disrupt the schedule or lesson with your own ideas or train of thought? To do the same thing everyone else was doing? To follow the leader? Hmmm....something to think about."

I recently finished The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins (thanks for the tip, Amanda! smile). This was a thought-provoking series (not to mention just an enjoyable read), and the first book triggered memories of "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson and "The Most Dangerous Game" by Richard Connell, short stories I read back in high school. It also made me think of Lois Lowry's The Giver and The Messenger. Do you remember these books and short stories? Do you remember a society in which people lose all freedom, even to the point they don't know freedom exists? Do you remember that freaky story in which everyone gathers for the annual lottery, and then the reader is shocked to find the villagers don't even question the tradition of stoning someone to death and begin throwing stones at their neighbor, mother, wife?

Interestingly, I find my son is more willing to question the rules. For example, you may remember the knife he made and wears on his belt.
He really sees no reason he can't wear it everywhere he goes. The store, church, Walmart. . .he thinks it's quite dumb when his dad or I tell him to take it off. I remember we went to a church meeting in Kansas City over Memorial Day weekend, and he was wearing it and was asked to take it off. He questioned us as to why this was necessary, and Alan discovered it was because of an insurance policy the church had.
Frankly, my first instinct is irritation with him at moments like these. What's the big deal, just take it off, I think. They just want to make sure no one gets hurt and they don't know you are responsible with it. You won't be needing it in the meeting anyway. All the senseless acts of violence have skewed our perceptions in our current society. Just go with the flow, don't make a big deal, let it go.

But then I wonder. Is this how we lose our freedoms--when we just go with the flow? When we don't stand up and say "this is a stupid law."

As I think about it, I'm reminded how irritated I got at the over-regulation at a skating rink recently. I wasn't allowed to hold my daughter while skating (okay, I submitted, knowing people are sue-happy and their insurance company probably mandates such rules), but then when I set her on a ledge and let my arms hang on either side of her so she could watch her dad, brothers and sisters, I was told that she couldn't sit on that ledge. That was an extra straw and tipped my scales toward irritation. This is my daughter, I am right here, and if she falls, it's my responsibility--don't tell me what to do. Obviously, I didn't say anything, but that's what I was thinking. And then I think of stupid laws that infringe on our freedoms--like car seats and seat belts (anyone else noticing a common theme here--that of insurance companies? hmmm)--and I'm reminded of Patrick Henry asserting "The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government."

This brings me to the possibility of the Supreme Court declaring protests at military funerals to be unconstitutional. Now don't get me wrong, I don't support these self-righteous protesters in any way, and think what they're doing is rude, classless, and grossly disrespectful. But to declare such protests unconstitutional? Wow. The fact that it's a possibility, and that Americans support such a decision scares me. We have become a society that expects the government to take care of us, and will cheerfully hand over our freedoms without even thinking of long-term effects and the doors that we are opening (or closing).

What country can preserve its liberties if its rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive. It will often be exercised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. Thomas Jefferson

I want to submit to the authorities that are placed over me, as God commands. I do wonder sometimes what will become of our country as we continue to rebel against God. History shows He is more than capable of using the rise and fall of governments to discipline His people and draw them back to Him. I think about these books and observe what goes on around me, and I wonder. . .to follow the rules, or not to follow the rules. . .

Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves. Ronald Reagan

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free. Ronald Reagan

Sharing a Praise

I get to add another chapter to the story of Tyrell's adoption today. We have completed all our supervisory visits, the courts have accepted all paperwork involving his birthparents, and the finalization is close at hand. I only have a few more sheets of paper to fill out and have notarized, then the lawyer will take care of the final court appearance.

As with every other step in the adoption process, these last few steps have cost money. Specifically, we received a bill for $900 last week from the supervisory visits. Because of all the other expenses, we were down to the wire and were ready to drain our emergency fund (thank you, Dave Ramsey) to pay that bill.

But God had another way to pay that bill! We had previously applied to Kinsman Redeemer for a grant toward our adoption and on Friday we received a check for $3000 to help with adoption expenses!! Praise God! I don't know why we ever get worried about this sort of thing, because He always comes through and provides for us. He is so faithful and patient with us to show us His presence again and again. . .

Needless to say, we promptly paid the bill for our supervisory visits and made our October payment toward our adoption loan--a whopping $2100 payment, which will cut down on that principal and interest and give us a month to recover until the November payment. We are thankful to God for working through those who love Him, and touched by those who heed His nudge to help place the fatherless in families. (Psalm 68:5-6)

Be blessed, encouraged, and comforted by this story of God's love and provision today.

Off to Work We Go

My cousin recently asked how to get kids to do chores around the house--and how to make it somewhat fun. After thinking about it, I told her I think the key is to work WITH them. Our children love to spend time with us, and if we spend some of that time working, we teach them that work can be enjoyable at the same time we teach them life skills and character traits such as responsibility and diligence.
Another tip I passed on was to let children do 'work' before they are really able to do it well. For example, Easton loves to wash dishes even though he doesn't always get them as clean as I would like. By letting them do work when they want to, I think it has prepared my children for the time when they really can be helpful. I know it takes more time to work with them, as I could do it a lot faster if I could just do it by myself, and it's not fun to rewash those dishes after they go to bed, but it pays off in the end.
Another tip I passed on to her was (whenever possible--dishes don't count in my opinion) don't redo the work they just did, as that is very discouraging to them. I received this tip when Briana and Destry were little, and I think it was excellent advice. So, if you see dirt littering the floor or my towels aren't perfectly folded, know that my preschoolers are learning how to contribute to the household and they will get better at it.
I heard some time ago a saying about teaching your children to work. It went something like this:

"First teach your children how to work by working alongside them. Then ask them to do the work and they will be able to get it done. Finally, they will see what needs done and simply do it."

There have been times I wondered if we would ever get to that third stage of responsibility, diligence, and initiative, but I am happy now to encourage you that persevering through the first two levels will indeed reap the promised fruit.

What tips would you share to involve children in household chores and teach them diligence?