Open Adoption

We have open adoptions in all four of our adoptions.  What does that even mean?

Well, frankly, it looks different in each of our adoptions.  At a minimum, an open adoption involves the exchange of information such as the full names of adoptive and birthparents, and contact information, whether it is a physical address or post office box, phone number, or email address.  Most times the adoptive parents and birthparents meet one another at least once.  In many cases, there is regular contact (such as sending pictures and updates) and sometimes even visits between the birthparents and adoptee.

In our specific adoptions, we have varying levels of interaction, some of which are affected by distance.  Three sets of our children's birthparents are friends on facebook, so they get frequent updates via pictures and cute stories throughout our daily life.  Some of our children's birthparents have requested pictures and letters once a year to a few times a year (somewhat dependent on the age/developmental stage of the children).  We meet frequently with two of our children's birthparents so they can actually spend time face to face celebrating birthdays or enjoying outings to a zoo, park, restaurant, or children's museum.  Every couple years I make books about each child on snapfish and send copies of those books to the children's birthparents for them to keep and treasure.

Always the goal is to let them get to know one another and to build memories and a relationship.

Some people fear open adoption.
We have heard people express fears that a birthparent might change their mind and come and "kidnap" a child.  We have never seen any support for this fear.  In fact, our experience has shown that having a way to stay in touch with their children, to see how they are doing and that they are loved, helps birthparents through the grieving process.

Others are concerned that children might be confused at the birthparents' presence in their lives.  We just haven't found that to be the case.  Think about it--we are perfectly capable of loving more than one child and knowing who is who.  I daresay most of us had more than one grandma and grandpa, but we knew who each was and had relationships with each of them.  Children are able to understand, at various levels developmentally, of course, both their first mom and their day-to-day mom and their respective roles.

Other objections I have heard include the possibilities of birthparents interfering in parenting or a child wanting to live with his or her birthparents (particularly during challenging seasons such as the teen years) and I can't speak very much to these concerns yet as we are only eight years into these open adoption relationships.  So far, all of our children's birthparents/birthfamilies have been only respectful of our role as the rule-enforcing parents, and they even clear gifts with us before giving them to their children.  I'm not really worried about these concerns as my husband and I both have pretty strong personalities and aren't afraid to stand up for our beliefs and practices, and I also feel confident that our children's birthparents chose us to parent their children because they trusted us.

I think it's probably pretty likely that a time will come that each of our children will think it would be better to live with someone else because they are unhappy with our rules or something (the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence!).  There have certainly been times our biological children haven't been the happiest with their responsibilities or privileges, but that's just part of life.  We'll deal with it as it comes, but I hope we adoptive parents and birthparents will be able to stand as a united front in the best interests of the children we all love.

We have found open adoption to be a blessing for all involved.
For the children/adoptees (my number one concern) I have found open adoption to help them in developing their identity.  They don't have to wonder who they look like or where they have inherited a certain talent.  If they should have any medical issues or wonder about potential allergies they will have the ability to get the answers.  They'll never have to look at strangers wondering if that might be their first mom or dad.  I'm hoping it will be less awkward for them to establish mature relationships with their birthfamilies as adults as they have been able to build on that relationship through the years.  I have read too many stories of adoptees in reunion with their birthfamily who have no common ground, who simply can't establish any kind of rapport with their birthparents, and they ache and feel like they lost their families twice as a result.

For the birthparents, open adoption seems to help with the grieving process.  Speaking from my own observations (not trying to speak for birthparents), their greatest desire seems to be that their children are safe, that they are loved, that they, the birthparents, made the best decision they could.  Seeing their children grow and develop normally, seeing their smiles and contentment, seeing how very much we love them, seems to have been a source of comfort and reassurance for our children's birthparents.  They don't have to wonder what their child looks like or how they are doing--they can see for themselves.

For us, the adoptive parents, open adoption has also been a blessing.  Knowing our children's birthfamilies helps us to know our children more completely.  Loving our children's birthparents has grown our extended family even more than we ever could have imagine.  Not only have we been blessed with more children through open adoption, but we have also been blessed with friends.  There are certain people you can rave to about your child--how cute and smart and generally wonderful they are.  But sharing your love for a child with his or her first parents--well, they love him or her every bit as much as you do.  They will agree with every single thing you say about how fabulous those children are.  And that's just fun!

The benefits outweigh the complications.
I can't deny that open adoption can be complicated.  There are frequently many differences between the lives of the adoptive family and the birthfamily that have to be considered and reconciled--whether they be cultural, socioeconomic, racial, educational, geographic, age. . .the list goes on and on.  Coordinating schedules and expressing expectations aren't always easy.  But always the effort is worth it for the good of all of us involved.

Our Adoption Journeys, Part Two

So there we were, richly blessed with four children—two through birth, and two through adoption. On the one hand we were content with our family and on the other hand we were open to any other blessings the Lord would send our way.

With our adoption of Kiana, who is of mixed heritage, we had also entered the category of a transracial family. As we continued to learn more about adoption, we realized it would be good to have another child in our family who could mirror Kiana's darker skin and curly, ethnic hair. We had been so blessed by growing our family through adoption, and we felt we still had room in our hearts and home for another child, so we started praying about adopting again in 2009.

I had been reading a blog written by a woman who lived in Alabama (we lived in Missouri) for over a year and had prayed through their process of bringing home their infant son, Kai. One day she had a guest blogger who wrote about the preference many potential adoptive families have for a healthy child who “looks like them” (mostly Caucasian) and the need for families who are willing to adopt children of color, children who have been exposed to drugs, or have other special needs. The author worked with a network of adoption agencies to find families for all children. When I shared this post with my husband, he told me to email the author to learn more.

Imagine our surprise when the author lived in Kansas City and knew the social worker and agency who had facilitated our previous two adoptions! We decided to complete our home study, update our profile for potential birthmothers to get to know our family, and sign up with this worker. In January of 2010 we were matched with a woman who was due with a baby girl on March 17. We were very excited and had fun getting ready (we had never had time to really prepare after being matched in the other adoptions). We decorated a room for her, some friends had a shower for her, and I froze several meals in preparation for my mom to watch the other children while we traveled to Florida where she would be born.

Unfortunately, this story ended with what is called a “failed adoption” when she decided to have her mom parent the baby instead of us. This was a hard time for us as there were some unhealthy family cycles that had been repeated through the generations and we were concerned that this little girl would end up in foster care as her mother had before her since her grandmother had not changed her lifestyle, but we had to just trust in God and entrust her to Him.

As we healed from this experience, we were presented in other situations, but nothing came of them until July when we received a call from a woman on the 21^st who was due the 29^th. She had a series of challenging questions as she interviewed us to see if we would be the best family for her son. “How will your family accept a brown baby? How will you handle racist comments? How do you discipline your children? Why do you homeschool? Do you have a pond or pool? Are you CPR certified? What is your religion? Why do you want another child?” Her son was born on the 25^th and she still was undecided about making an adoption plan. Finally, on the 29^th, she called with one more question: “Do you promise to send pictures? I have to know how he's doing,” and then she asked us to be in Florida the next day at noon to pick him up.

We chose the first name Tyrell for this beautiful little boy and kept the name Damian from his birthmother as his middle name. While we rejoiced to add him to our family and believe “every good and perfect gift comes from above” (James 1:17), this adoption cemented for us that adoption invariably involves loss. Whether parents die or are in a situation that they can't physically or emotionally give their child all they want for them, adoption involves loss. Birthparents lose the years of day-to-day interaction with their child, and children lose their first parents. It is a time of rejoicing, yes, that a mother has chosen life for her child in this age where life is not valued. It is a time of rejoicing to have a child to love. But there is loss and mourning as a price to pay.

Nearly four years later, life had continued racing along. My husband changed jobs and we moved to Iowa (where we had both been raised) as the children grew older. I celebrated my 40^th birthday and figured our days of adopting were probably over, as I doubted anyone would choose us to parent a baby at this age. However, we received an email from a friend of a friend who wondered if we would be willing to adopt again. She knew of an agency who had 16 pregnant women wanting to make adoption plans, but the agency didn't have enough adoptive parents to present to them.

So just this year, we said yes again and were soon chosen to parent our beautiful daughter Aryana Joy (her mother's name is Abigail, which means Joy). We really didn't have the money and since we had moved so recently, we didn't have the relationship we had enjoyed with our former banker who we could call at the drop of a hat when an adoption situation arose. Nevertheless, we moved forward in prayer and faith, trusting that the Lord loved this baby girl and He would provide. This adoption journey was particularly faith-building (although all of them have been faith-building, this one has been especially so) as our extended church family joyfully rallied around us at the opportunity to bring this little girl into our family.

We count ourselves richly blessed to have grown our family both biologically and through adoption. Each member fits perfectly into our family and each has taught us something more about trusting God and loving one another.

Our Adoption Journeys, Part One

My friend Deb recommended that I write our adoption stories for a series a fellow blogger was hosting for November, National Adoption Month.  I really enjoyed looking back over the past ten years and remembering how the Lord has blessed us through adoption, and wanted to share it here as well.  I also just think it will be nice to have here on my blog to look back at in the future.  Take a walk down memory lane with me. . .

It has been about ten years now since our lives were changed by adoption. In that time we have gone from being a family of four to a family of eight. We have learned more about trusting God and we have learned that family is more than just who we are related to by blood. We have grown in number and we have grown in love. While it hasn't always been easy, it has always been a blessing.

We had two children biologically when we were in our early 20s—a boy and a girl. Young and selfish as we were, we made a permanent decision to have no more children. This all seemed fine until we started growing in our faith and thus in our perception of the value of children. For a couple years we were inundated with a longing for more children and with teachings on the blessing of children. As we got more involved in speaking out against abortion, we realized we couldn't encourage women to choose life for their unborn children without being willing to open our hearts and home to those children through adoption.

We started taking foster-to-adopt classes in the Spring of 2005, but decided against adopting through the state for several reasons which I won't go into here other than to say it just didn't seem the best option for our family. Instead, we chose to register with Christian Family Services of the Midwest in Overland Park, KS in August of 2005.

This was a busy season of prayer, preparation, and self-education as we read books and articles and began the mountain of home study paperwork (at which I am now a pro!). We also faced the daunting task of writing a letter to prospective birthmothers and preparing a book to introduce our family so those women considering an adoption plan for their babies could choose the family to love him or her. We have been blessed by this concept of open adoption and sincerely believe it to be good for all members of the adoption triad: the birthparents, the adoptee, and the adoptive parents.

After a few false starts and what felt like forever (but was really only nine months) we received the call. A mother of a three-week old baby boy would like to meet us, could we be in Kansas City (a 3 ½ hour drive) by 6 pm? Of course we said yes and were thrilled to meet her. Her hopes and dreams for Easton were that he would “learn to be responsible, have a good work ethic, and to be a man of integrity.”

We fell instantly in love with this precious, even-tempered little bundle of joy and were able to bring him home a mere three days later. We had held to the promise in Psalm 37:4-5, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this,” and we were blessed by his addition to our family.

Since we had two children who were significantly older, we hoped to be able to adopt at least once more so Easton would have a brother or sister closer in age to grow up with so we started praying about beginning the process again when he was about nine months old. We received our answer “yes” when an anonymous gift came in the mail wanting to help with adoption expenses (which we had already paid off) in the exact amount we needed to update our home study.

Our home study was completed in July of 2007 and we expected another nine-month (or more—the average is two years) wait, but the end of September we were asked to travel about six hours to meet an expectant woman who liked our profile and wanted to meet us. She got to meet us with our other three children on Saturday, then my husband and I joined her and her friend for supper that night. She told us she wanted us to be the family to raise her baby, and then we prepared to travel back home on Sunday afternoon. Instead, her tiny baby girl was born Sunday morning!

They kept Kiana Jayde (we chose her first name and adapted her birthmother's choice of “Jayden” for the middle name) in the hospital a couple extra days as they wanted her to weigh five pounds before dismissal. This was a difficult time for all of us involved. Her birthmother was spending every minute with her, storing up memories for the future and showering her with love. When it came time to sign the relinquishment papers, she just couldn't do it.

My husband and I went to our car and prayed and cried. While we had fallen in love with Kiana, we had also developed a relationship with her mother and we genuinely wanted what was best for everyone involved. After much debate and many tears, she decided completing her adoption plan was truly the best option for her precious little girl. We have been so blessed by Kiana, who is a tender-hearted, vivacious and dramatic little lady, and adopting her has also afforded us the opportunity to love her birthfamily who have become extended members of our family.

Aryana, Six Month Update

This little lady is in a hurry to grow up!

Aryana has grown and changed SO MUCH these last three months!  She is busy all the time and is learning new things every day.  I think my favorite thing she does now is wave her little hand.  It is so precious.  She has the princess wave going on, twisting her little tiny hand back and forth.  She is terribly distracting at church as she waves at all the people behind us and they just wave right back! She also blows raspberries all the time, and can come up with the funniest expressions.

Another precious new thing she does is singing.  Whenever one of her toys plays a little song, she sings along and sometimes at church when we have congregational singing, she joins right in with me.   Everyone just gushes over how cute and sweet she is.

She is also ON THE MOVE!  She has the army crawl down.  She doesn't stay still for a moment.  She is starting to get up on her hands and knees to crawl, but when she sees something she wants, she reverts to a purposeful army crawl.  She is all over the house now and nothing is safe from her.

I'm pretty sure she's teething as she constantly chews and drools, but I don't see any signs of a tooth breaking through in the near future.  She isn't too fussy with it, unless she tries to chew on a toy that's harder and that kinda hurts her gum, so she lets out a mad holler.  I'm thankful she has so far been perfectly healthy, with only a slight runny nose a couple days when the weather was getting cooler.

She loves to eat, and is especially fond of the homemade squash Aunt Marcy made for her.  She's starting to eat some table food and plays along eagerly when Daddy slips her contraband such as a bite of ice cream or a piece of donut.

She has gone from the half-propped up position to fully sitting herself up in just the last couple of weeks.  She transitions between crawling to sitting back to crawling like an old pro now.

I was quite shocked when she started pulling herself up last week.  First she was pulling herself up to Mommy or Daddy as we lay with her on the floor, and then she started pulling herself up to the couch.  I'm afraid I'm going to have an early walker, and we're having a hard enough time training her for the no-nos (like the basket of diapers, or the cabinet of videos).  Look out world, here she comes!

Aryana Joy is aptly named, for she is a constant source of joy.  All of her older siblings vie for her attention, and her ready smile invites others to smile with her.

National Adoption Month

The removal of my writer's block has been prompted, at least in part, by an invitation to share our adoption journeys over on Julie's blog this month.  For those who aren't aware, November has been designated "National Adoption Month" and the Saturday before Thanksgiving is traditionally "National Adoption Day.

The purpose of these observations is to raise awareness of adoption, particularly for kids stuck in the foster system.  While I realize adoption isn't for everyone, I do still think it's beneficial for people to examine their hearts and seek the Lord in prayer to determine if giving a child a loving home is something they want to do.

Personally, I also find this month a time to celebrate the children the Lord has blessed us with through adoption.  It is a time for me to reflect on what He has done, what He has taught us, and how I need to continue to grow and seek equipping to parent more effectively.

Four precious blessings through adoption pictured shortly after Aryana's arrival home

I hope this month to share a two-part review of our adoption journeys, a few thoughts on open adoption, and a few thoughts on adopting transracially.  Kiana's birthmother was also willing to share her story for Julie, and I may ask her if she would like it posted here as well.  If I have time, I may also read a couple of adoption-related books and review them as well.

I'm looking forward to this time of reflection and hope it will benefit someone else as well.

Briana's Campaigning Experience

I wanted my children to have more awareness of government than I had, and I wanted them to be prepared to influence in a positive way.  Somehow I never quite expected that this bug would bite Briana quite as hard as it has, however.

Last year when we went to Iowa Homeschool Day at the Capitol we got to meet our representative, Greg Heartsill.  We enjoyed getting to meet this conservative man, who just happens to also be a homeschooling father, and whose values and political views are similar to our own.

When he was up for re-election this year, Briana offered to help him campaign (and dragged the rest of the family along with her).

We walked in several small-town parades, passing out literature, popsicles, candy and hand sanitizer (because the government doesn't just need cleaned up, it needs sanitized).

Briana spent several hours and many evenings knocking on constituents' doors passing them literature, asking them open-ended questions about their political beliefs, and placing signs in yards.  She really enjoyed stepping out of her comfort zone and engaging the people on his behalf, although she was disappointed to learn how many people take our legal system for granted and don't exercise their right to vote.  This experience has made her want to encourage others to do their part to preserve our freedoms by letting their voice be heard.

Thankfully, Representative Heartsill won his campaign and will be representing us again for another term.

Getting Back in the Groove

That old urge is tickling at the edges of my brain again.  I've rather missed it.

If you've followed me long, you'll know I used to blog a lot more often.  I wrote about my faith walk, my children, our homeschool, our outdoor escapades, my homemaking, adoption, book reviews, the occasional soapbox. . .

But this year I haven't had much to say.  Oh, yes, I keep posting those book reviews and I like to post our freezer cooking recipes so I can come back to them later.  But for the most part I just haven't felt like writing.

It's been strange.  I have always written.  My desk has always been littered with scraps of paper containing quick outlines of a blog post.  I've had more ideas (many more ideas!) than I've had time.  And yes, life has been ever busier this year.  Yet there have been times I've sat at my computer during the children's naptime thinking "I should write something". . .and the cursor just blinked at me.

This last week I have started scribbling ideas again.  I may have difficulty finding the time to flesh them out, but I'm still happy just to have the scribbles.  I'm not sure what has re-ignited this fire.  I'm guessing it might have something to do with a combination of the three following events:

• A friend referred me to another blog author who was looking for guest bloggers during November's Adoption Month.  I really enjoyed sharing my (long-winded) adoption journey for her.
• I made a quick trip to New York to see a dear friend I hadn't seen in three years.  I hope to blog about that, but she always invigorates me and "stirs me up to love and good works."  While she didn't encourage me to write, she encouraged me to think and to self-examine and to step outside of the daily grind that is my comfort zone.
• Aryana is sleeping through the night, so I'm getting more rest.  :)

I hope to chat with you more soon!