Another Perspective

Guest post from Stevie, Kiana's birthmother, sharing her perspective of open adoption.  Cross-posted at In Between the Sunsets

When I found out I was pregnant I had just started college, and was busy living in the dorms, learning what classes I was going to attend. I went to the free help clinic for moms and they had me take a test. Which came out positive and I went into the next room and I heard it, that sweet alien-like heart beat and we started it all.

My new friend Dustin was with me and he had been living in town before, for his first year of college the year before, he had worked at the hospital so he knew the doctors and suggested Dr. Fugate. I got an appointment with him and I continued to go back to the free clinic as they supported adoption and helping families.

When I found out I was pregnant I didn't have much time as I was already a good 8 months pregnant. At the clinic meetings, I watched a few videos and was given the option of keeping the baby or I was given adoptive family portfolios.  I thought I knew what I wanted: a good religious but not over-bearing family, this would be their first and only child. I wanted this baby loved unconditionally, no sibling fights, and I wanted God's love and life invoked.

Boy, did he give me a wonderful family and nothing like I thought I wanted! None of the other families stuck. I just couldn't even think of them until I saw this one, a family with a mom, a dad, an older sister, and two older brothers! They were a Christian family as well and they lived on a farm! My mind couldn't stay off of them even though the thought of dangerous farm equipment and my unfamiliarity with homeschooling both worried me.  But what a great blessing God gave me for this family that has grown with another boy and girl after they adopted my angel.

After I found them I emailed them and we met up on the last weekend of September. What a great time--God had everything planned! I loved them before I met them and they were family when I did meet them. The night before they were going to head home we had our last visit, so we thought. Later that night was a weird night and that very early morning I went to the hospital and by 8:10am our little girl was born!

I called them and they came right over and stayed longer. After we left the hospital we took her to the free clinic to work on the adoption paperwork and I wasn't sure I could go through with it.  I just loved her so much. They came over to the clinic later and I wanted to talk with them before I finalized my decision to keep her and we talked and cried and I knew she was mine but meant for them. We went through a lot of adoption paper work and more tears and lots of pictures. My baby went with them that night.

I did a lot of crying and I've cried and yelled for her when I took a shower. The tears slowed as the pain of being without her eased, but my heart and mind were always on her. It helped a lot to have my friends and the Kleins there for support. When Christmas time came around they said they were back in KS and we drove to see them. It was the first time I had seen Kiana since they were allowed to return home.  It was a great visit and a little sad as well. It felt like I was giving her away again, but I feel without these visits I'd have never been able to get past it.

Pictures and emails and phone calls all helped between those visits. Visiting became easier until one day she was in the "mommy only" phase. It broke my heart, but I knew it was coming and it came and went. To have support was again a blessing, and visits again became easier.

Then a wonderful moment came--one every mom dreams of. We had another visit and as we were each getting ready to go our separate ways, I was helping them get her in the car. It was a little rushed, kids started to feel tired and crabby, and there it was. My baby said "I love you" and I instantly melted. When I got to the car we sat there and I cried and cried "she said 'I love you'!" It was a wonderful feeling.  I still cherish that moment, as well as when she first called me mom on her own free will when she was 5 years old.

The pains are gone. I've gone through several different emotions and phases throughout it, but I've never regretted it. We were meant to become this giant family. Now I have my own family and all my children know one another.  She is their sister-her picture hangs on the wall right with my children I'm parenting now. 

Number the Stars

I had read Number the Stars by Lois Lowry before, but read it again for Carrie's book club.

Three themes stood out to me in this reading of a young girl's encounter with Germany's oppression of the Jews.

1) Courage.  We don't know how brave we are until we are called on to act.  Like Annemarie, many of us admire the courage of others and doubt we would be able to exercise it similarly in the same situation.  Many of us are secretly "glad to be an ordinary person who would never be called upon for courage" (26).

Yet I think we would do better to prepare ourselves.  Jesus warns us not to be surprised if the world hates us (I John 3:13) and again in I Peter 4:12-19 we're cautioned not to be surprised when we go through fiery trials of suffering.  As Christians, I think we should prepare ourselves for life not to be easy and for the world to not understand or approve of the way we live and believe.  Christians have been called to be imprisoned or die for their faith before, and I daresay we will be again.  We still will never know how brave we are until we're called to act, but we can purpose to stand up for what we believe and do what we need to do when the time comes.

Bravery is doing what you need to do without focusing on the dangers. (paraphrased from page 123)

2) Sheltering.  Annemarie's papa wished he could protect his daughter from the knowledge that the Germans were coming to gather up all the Jews.  Sometimes we parents would like to be able to shelter our children from certain knowledge, but the realities of life often force us to expose them to things so they will be prepared to face and overcome those realities.

3) Pride.  It's not always a bad thing.  Pride in who we are, in our value as a human being, can help us stand up to face uncertain realities when we are stripped of all the external markers of who we are.

Annemarie's Jewish friends had taken pride in maintaining their home and religious ceremonies, in working as a teacher, in acting in plays. Yet when they were running for their lives in borrowed clothing, dependent on strangers for food and safety, "their shoulders were as straight as they had been in the past: in the classroom, on the stage, at the Sabbath table.  So there were other sources, too, of pride, and they had not left everything behind" (94).

Ultimately, I think, a better descriptor than pride is a confidence in who we are in Christ--and a confidence in our God--which will equip us to stand strong.  Like the three Hebrew children of old, we can confidently say "we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18)

What Alice Forgot

What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty

I can't imagine waking up tomorrow and finding my life the way it is now, but being my 29 year-old-self with a ten-year gap in my memory, but Liane Moriarty did an excellent job painting this scenario.

(Can I insert here that I am freaking out a little bit that I am reading books about 40-year-old women. . .and they are kind of about me--I can relate to them--they are my peers?)

I very much enjoyed this book.  It wasn't quite as good (or as funny, although she frequently made me giggle with her descriptions of "middle-aged people") as Big Little Lies, but I still loved the way she uses stories and excellent characterization to make the reader think and take a good look at her life.  I wouldn't want to go back and be my 29-year-old self.  The last ten years have formed me into someone else.  I also don't really want a peek into the next ten years.  Wherever I'm going to be ten years from now. . .well, the next ten years will shape and prepare me to be there.

I want to appreciate my life, and especially my marriage.  The thought of jumping ten years and finding my marriage in shambles. . .well, it's horrible to contemplate.  It reminds me to be purposeful now rather than coasting along getting distracted by raising children, running here and there, and paying the bills.  "She'd been so cozy in the cocoon of their relationship.  She assumed she got to stay there forever" (135).

I especially loved the description of Alice and Nick's marriage as observed by Elisabeth.  This is beautiful to me, and it's the way I want a man to love and empower my daughter(s).

"I used to secretly watch Nick listening to Alice when she told a story; that tender, proud look he got on his face, the way he laughed harder than anyone else when she said something funny or typically Alice.  He got Alice, the way we did, or maybe even more so than us.  He made her more confident, funnier, smarter.  He brought out all the things that were there already and let her be fully herself, so she seemed to shine with this inner light.  He loved her so much, he made her seem even more lovable" (109).  

I was also struck by the epilogue, when 50-year-old Alice was looking back at the marriage problems of their 30s.   I wonder how often we all would feel that way, if we could just hang in there and mature through the hard times.

"She and Nick had been so *young*, so full of the earth-shattering importance of their own feelings" (455).  

I have to agree with my friend Stephanie, who also read this book.  It made me appreciate my marriage and determine not to take it for granted.

November Freezer Cooking

While people rarely comment on my freezer cooking posts, they tend to have the highest views, so I'm assuming they're blessing someone out there. :)  Additionally, I like the record of what we made with the recipes, so I'm hoping to keep posting them.  We haven't eaten all of them yet, but I'm rating the ones we have eaten.  So far, so good!

Here is what we made in November:

• Freezer Meatloaf  4
• Easy Crockpot Chili 4
• Hearty Western Casserole 3.5
• Cheeseburger Soup 5 

• Texas Style Lasagna  4

Cook 1 1/2 lbs. ground beef.  Add 1 t. seasoning salt, taco seasoning, 1 can undrained diced tomatoes, 1 can tomato sauce, 1 can chopped green chilies.  Simmer 15-20 min.
In separate bowl, combine 2 c. cottage cheese and 2 eggs.
In 9X13, layer half the meat sauce, 6 torn tortillas, half the cottage cheese, and 2 cups Monteray Jack cheese.  Repeat layers.
Bake at 350 for 30 minutes or until bubbly.

• Potato-Topped Chicken (makes two casseroles serving 6 each)--1.5

Cook 4 pounds red potatoes and make mashed potatoes with milk, butter, and cheddar cheese.  Set aside.
Cook 3 pounds of chicken with 4 chopped carrots and 2 chopped onions.  Shred chicken and drain.  Stir in 1/4 c. flour, 2 T. tomato paste, salt, pepper, 1/4 t. thyme and 1 1/4 c. chicken broth.  Bring to a boil, simmer for 6-8 min or until thickened.
Place half chicken mixture in each pan and top with half the mashed potatoes.
Bake 400 degrees for 15-20 min or until bubbly.

• Sausage Fettuccine Bake (makes two casseroles, serving 6 each) --3.5

Cook 1 1/2 pounds fettuccine.
Cook 2 lbs sausage with 2 chopped onions and 1 chopped green pepper.  Add 2 28-oz cans diced tomatoes, undrained, 2 cans mushrooms, and 4 t. Italian seasoning.  Simmer five minutes.  Add fettuccine.
Divide mixture between two pans.  Sprinkle each with 2 c. mozzarella cheese.  Mix 2 cans cream of mushroom soup with 1/2 c. beef broth and divide over the pans, then sprinkle with parmesan and more mozzarella if you want.  Bake 20 min at 350 covered, then uncover and bake 10 minutes longer.

• Pizza Pizzazz (makes nine servings) --4

Cook 8 oz. penne pasta
Combine 2 1/3 cups spaghetti sauce, one pound cooked sausage, 1 pkg. chopped canadian bacon, 1 jar mushrooms, chopped green pepper, chopped onion, 1/2 c. parmesan cheese, garlic powder, salt, pepper, 1/8 t. crushed red pepper flakes.
Mix with pasta, pour into pan, top with one more cup of spaghetti sauce.  Cover and bake 45 minutes at 350.  Sprinkle with more mozz cheese, bake uncovered 10 min longer.

Three Things I've Learned About Adoption

Adoption has changed our lives in big ways over the last ten years, not the least of which is that we have gone from being a family of four to a family of a eight.  I consider myself a lifelong learner, so I was glad for the opportunity to examine and summarize "three things I've learned about adoption" for Shelley's blog.

1.  Adoption has been a tool the Lord has used to grow me in ways I never would have expected.
Adopting two sons and two daughters has given me the opportunity to step outside my comfort zone like nothing else ever has.  I learned to trust the Lord to provide rather than relying on myself--financially, in parenting, in loving others, endurance in the waiting season--you name it.  I have had the opportunity to interact with people who are different from me in the way they think and in the way they live.  And I've learned that they are people, just as I am--we really aren't so different.

Through adoption, I am learning more of what love means.  I am learning to tap into the well of love the Lord has for me and share it with others, not in my own strength, but in his.

2.  Not everyone sees adoption as a positive.  We need to be sure and secure in what we're doing and why we're doing it and not be discouraged by the naysayers.  
Adoptee blogs and online adoption groups can be scary and make me think we've done a terrible thing, that we've ruined our children's lives by bringing them into our family. I think there are things to learn from these resources, but I've had to take them "with a grain of salt," consider their worldview, and be sure to examine their views through the lens of my own worldview.

Some people we know have expressed concerns about us adopting, saying "you don't know what you're getting" when adopting a child or predicting rebellion for our children and turmoil for our family.  We've even been scorned by some who think adopting is a way of showing off, or doing deeds in a way that they'll be seen by men.  We have learned to look to the Lord for our strength in the face of disagreement.

3.  Adoption doesn't end with bringing the child home.
Yes, adopted is a past tense verb, but parenting a child who was adopted is very much a present and ongoing verb (let's scrub off those old grammar studies--is it the present perfect progressive verb tense that says an action has been going on, is currently taking place, and will continue in the future?).

We have learned the importance of maintaining a life book for our children to help answer their questions about how they came to be a part of our family. We have learned to communicate with our children's birthparents in our open adoptions and to put forth the effort to stay in contact through letters, phone calls, facebook, and visits to nurture their relationships.

Adoption has brought different gifts and personalities and even challenges than biological family and we are learning how to best develop, equip, and "train them in the way they should go".

As two of our children have different racial backgrounds from my husband and I, we have had the opportunity to learn how to properly care for their black skin and hair.  We are learning  about exposure to their genetic culture and how to prepare them to live as Black men and women in society.

Before adopting, I planned to parent any children through adoption just like I parent our biological children, but I've learned it's not just like raising a biological child.  In many ways it's the same, yes, but there is an additional layer and I am learning how to navigate it.

Most of all, I've learned that adoption is about growing our hearts and our family and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

My Hero--Mighty Hunter

You may remember my struggles with keeping my desk cleared.  A-hem.

It is a mess again.  As usual.

So, I was sitting here at my desk, emailing a friend who is going through a bittersweet time in her life.  My email was so serious, so empathetic, as I tried to encourage her.

When suddenly a MOUSE (shudder)

RAN (gulp) (I would say scurried, for we all know scurry is the verb associated with mice but he was all out running)

ACROSS MY DESK!!!!!

right in front of me

I squealed.  Of course I did.  (You will, however, be glad to know that I did *not* pee my pants. Thankfully I had just used the restroom.)

Yes, I squealed, and then I called in a quavering voice "Deeeestry. . ."

Destry was reading world history, whose stories of mighty warriors of old must have inspired him to immediate action.  He rushed in to see what was wrong and when I pointed a trembling hand at the monitor and whispered "a mouse just ran across my desk and he went that way" he peered down through the hole where the wires connect and saw the mouse cowering in the back.

He lunged down the stairs as he threw "be right back" over his shoulder.  In no time he had returned with his BB gun.

I had retreated across the room where I was perched on my knees on a chair.  Stereotypical, I know, but those scurrying little rodents just have that effect on me.

I wish I had been braver and grabbed my phone to take a picture of Destry, down on one knee, his BB gun propped on one shoulder as he carefully aimed under my desk.  The mouse was just a dark shadow.

Pop! went the little gun.  "Got 'im!" Destry proclaimed.

One shot.  Right in the heart.

MY HERO!

Yes, I realize other moms are posting pictures of their sons and husbands with deer in this season.  They are posting trophy bucks shot for their many-pointed racks.  They are posting with pride thinking of their men's provision of meat for the freezer.

But MY son. . .

My son SAVED my LIFE!

The Glass Castle

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls

Fascinating!  I can't stop thinking about this book.  In fact, shortly after finishing it I hustled to google to learn more about Jeannette Walls--where is she now?  What about Lori, Brian, and Maureen?  And Rosemary?

How much of who we are is influenced by genetics, how much by our upbringing and experiences, and how much by our perspective?

Is it mental illness that leads a person to a nomadic life, an irresponsible pursuit of dreams, and neglect of children or is it selfishness or is it a worldview?  (Mom accused Jeannette of being sold out:  "Next thing I know, you'll become a Republican.  Where are the values I raised you with?" 269)  Were I to subscribe to secular psychology, I would suspect bipolar and PTSD in the father which he self-medicated with alcohol, and I would suspect co-dependency in the mother for sure, as well as possibly some bipolar tendencies and hoarding.  Yet another part of me discerns their worldview and wants to credit it just as much.  I can't help but wonder what someone with a very liberal worldview would do with this book.

As a home educator, I was intrigued by the children's unconventional education (learning Morse code, doing math in binary numbers, exploring the outdoors, arguing with dictionary publishers about word definitions). . .and their future successes.  I was also intrigued with some of the parenting ideas that people worry too much about and do too much for their children and "children shouldn't be burdened with a lot of rules and restrictions" (59).  Struggles produce strength and independence.  This was taken to an extreme of course (what an understatement!).  But it's still interesting to ponder to a lesser degree.

As I've gotten to know (a little bit) some people who are homeless, I was especially intrigued with the discussion of homelessness on pages 255-257.  "They'd been learning the ropes.  They'd visited the various soup kitchens, sampling the cuisines, and had their favorites.  They knew which churches passed out sandwiches and when.  They went to plays and operas and concerts in the parks, listened to string quartets and piano recitals in office-building lobbies, attended movie screenings, and visited museums."  They said the city made being homeless easy.  Then a professor engages Jeannette with the question "if homelessness was the result of drug abuse and misguided entitlement programs, as the conservatives claimed, or did it occur, as the liberals argued, because of cuts in social-service programs and the failure to create economic opportunity for the poor?"  "Sometimes, I think, it's neither," Jeannette responded. "I think that maybe sometimes people get the lives they want.  If some of them were willing to work hard and make compromises, they might not have ideal lives, but they could make ends meet."

My library copy is filled with little post it note flags on pages I would love to discuss with someone!