Another Perspective

Guest post from Stevie, Kiana's birthmother, sharing her perspective of open adoption.  Cross-posted at In Between the Sunsets

When I found out I was pregnant I had just started college, and was busy living in the dorms, learning what classes I was going to attend. I went to the free help clinic for moms and they had me take a test. Which came out positive and I went into the next room and I heard it, that sweet alien-like heart beat and we started it all.

My new friend Dustin was with me and he had been living in town before, for his first year of college the year before, he had worked at the hospital so he knew the doctors and suggested Dr. Fugate. I got an appointment with him and I continued to go back to the free clinic as they supported adoption and helping families.

When I found out I was pregnant I didn't have much time as I was already a good 8 months pregnant. At the clinic meetings, I watched a few videos and was given the option of keeping the baby or I was given adoptive family portfolios.  I thought I knew what I wanted: a good religious but not over-bearing family, this would be their first and only child. I wanted this baby loved unconditionally, no sibling fights, and I wanted God's love and life invoked.

Boy, did he give me a wonderful family and nothing like I thought I wanted! None of the other families stuck. I just couldn't even think of them until I saw this one, a family with a mom, a dad, an older sister, and two older brothers! They were a Christian family as well and they lived on a farm! My mind couldn't stay off of them even though the thought of dangerous farm equipment and my unfamiliarity with homeschooling both worried me.  But what a great blessing God gave me for this family that has grown with another boy and girl after they adopted my angel.

After I found them I emailed them and we met up on the last weekend of September. What a great time--God had everything planned! I loved them before I met them and they were family when I did meet them. The night before they were going to head home we had our last visit, so we thought. Later that night was a weird night and that very early morning I went to the hospital and by 8:10am our little girl was born!

I called them and they came right over and stayed longer. After we left the hospital we took her to the free clinic to work on the adoption paperwork and I wasn't sure I could go through with it.  I just loved her so much. They came over to the clinic later and I wanted to talk with them before I finalized my decision to keep her and we talked and cried and I knew she was mine but meant for them. We went through a lot of adoption paper work and more tears and lots of pictures. My baby went with them that night.

I did a lot of crying and I've cried and yelled for her when I took a shower. The tears slowed as the pain of being without her eased, but my heart and mind were always on her. It helped a lot to have my friends and the Kleins there for support. When Christmas time came around they said they were back in KS and we drove to see them. It was the first time I had seen Kiana since they were allowed to return home.  It was a great visit and a little sad as well. It felt like I was giving her away again, but I feel without these visits I'd have never been able to get past it.

Pictures and emails and phone calls all helped between those visits. Visiting became easier until one day she was in the "mommy only" phase. It broke my heart, but I knew it was coming and it came and went. To have support was again a blessing, and visits again became easier.

Then a wonderful moment came--one every mom dreams of. We had another visit and as we were each getting ready to go our separate ways, I was helping them get her in the car. It was a little rushed, kids started to feel tired and crabby, and there it was. My baby said "I love you" and I instantly melted. When I got to the car we sat there and I cried and cried "she said 'I love you'!" It was a wonderful feeling.  I still cherish that moment, as well as when she first called me mom on her own free will when she was 5 years old.

The pains are gone. I've gone through several different emotions and phases throughout it, but I've never regretted it. We were meant to become this giant family. Now I have my own family and all my children know one another.  She is their sister-her picture hangs on the wall right with my children I'm parenting now.