Weakness Revealed

I'm not a Barnabas.

I wish I was just a natural encourager, but I'm not. After writing that post about encouraging words, however, I'm realizing encouraging others is just a choice we all need to make.

This message was recently driven home to me when I offhandedly commented to a student in my speech class that he has really good eye contact. This sounds cliche, but I literally saw his eyes light up. My head tilted in realization as I stored that observation away in my brain and surely a lightbulb appeared above my head in a little bubble.

I tend to be a little like the man in the old joke about a woman asking her husband if he loves her. He responds "I told you once that I did--if anything changes, I'll let you know." If someone is doing well, I see no need to say anything. If he or she is doing wrong, however, correction is needed. I'm reminded of something my mom used to say:

"Police officers don't pull people over to tell them good job for going the speed limit. They don't give them stickers or candy bars. No, they pull them over for speeding and give them tickets. We aren't setting our children up for life if we teach them they have to be praised every time they do something right. Doing the right thing is the reward in and of itself."

Now, don't get me wrong, I do encourage my children sometimes (not as much as I should, however) by pointing out "that was really kind to share your puppy dog with your sister" or "thank you for putting your plate on the counter without being asked--that was being responsible" or "I notice you cleaned out the spill in the microwave--thank you for taking initiative." But I don't sprinkle every conversation with praise.

I am especially less inclined to encourage someone who seems really confident--especially if he or she seems to be confident to the point of cockiness. When I appear confident in an area, it's because I am, so I perceive others the same way. If I don't know what I'm doing, I'll let that be known, so I tend to think others do the same. But I need to be aware that we're all different. Sometimes that person who acts cocky is operating on pure bravado and I need to be more perceptive and sensitive to meeting the needs of others.

But at the same time, I'm wondering what the proper balance is. I KNOW I need to improve in biblical encouragement. Our society, however, is on a huge kick to raise self-esteem. And I'm not on board with that shallow goal, especially as I see the effects of it. A friend shared an article with me in which the author makes some excellent points:

College students today are much more likely to agree with statements such as “I am easy to like” than college students 30 years ago. In the 1950s, 12 percent of high school seniors said they were a “very important person.” By the ’90s, 80 percent said they believed that they were.

In short, there’s abundant evidence to suggest that we have shifted a bit from a culture that emphasized self-effacement — I’m no better than anybody else, but nobody is better than me — to a culture that emphasizes self-expansion. (emphasis mine)

Writers like Twenge point out that young people are bathed in messages telling them how special they are. Often these messages are untethered to evidence of actual merit. Over the past few decades, for example, the number of hours college students spend studying has steadily declined. Meanwhile, the average G.P.A. has steadily risen.

Some argue that today’s child-rearing and educational techniques have produced praise addicts.

What are some effects of raising praise addicts? Ask any employer. Look around the churches where people want to just focus on "God is love, God loves me, God wants me to be happy, Jesus made me special." Consider what one used to learn in order to earn an 'A' and how you receive an 'A' (notice the different verbs there) now. In fact, consider the whole weighted grade system--how do people get a 4.13 GPA anyway??? It's because of grade inflation--ego inflation. Examine the divorce statistics (the purpose of marriage is to make ME HAPPY and this spouse is not appreciating me so I'm out of here).

Is it possible this culture that emphasizes self-expansion might also attribute to suicide? I don't agree with everything in this video a friend posted on facebook, but I think there might be merit to some of the points. We humans know we aren't perfect--deep down, we really do. But if people are always telling us how wonderful we are and never correcting our mistakes so we have opportunity to learn and grow, well, it seems to me that would create dissonance in our hearts. What if you KNEW you weren't perfect or wonderful, but everyone acted like you were? What a horrible burden that would place on you! Who can hold up under this burden to appear perfect, trying not to let it be known that he's not wonderful after-all, fearing that he will be found out and everyone will be disappointed??

I really don't want to teach my children to be praise addicts, nor do I want to contribute to this false puffing up with my students in speech or drama. A few weeks ago, in an effort to be more of a Barnabas, I took candy to the drama class to reward those who obeyed the directive to mark their scripts. I was thinking of the old adage "you draw more flies with honey than with vinegar" and I knew some of the kids would be irresponsible and disobedient by not marking their scripts. Instead of rebuking them, I chose to reward the students who proved themselves reliable.

Now I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not. Sometimes rebuke is needed--plain and simple. How do you balance biblical encouragement with correction? How do you emphasize self-effacement rather than self-expansion? How do you build others up without puffing them up?

(For more on this topic, check out this post and what looks like an amazing resource. I'm finding it interesting that after I started examining this topic, others have shared articles, videos, and now a BOOK with a similar focus. I guess I'm really supposed to be learning something here!)

(EDIT: This is simply crazy! Another effect of over-praising and focusing on building self-esteem is a fear of failure! Check out Karen's post and schedule fifteen minutes to watch the video--then gather your children to watch it with you!)


Okay, this is the "work-in-progress post." Check out this article written by my good friend Tom Woody. I especially appreciate the following quotes:

Paul taught us in Romans 12:3 that we are "not to think more highly of ourselves than we ought to think"... and many of the children who have been taught self-esteem at school have a far higher opinion of themselves than is warranted.

Consider what is taught in Galatians 6:2-10: "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. For every man shall bear his own burden. Let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teacheth in all good things. Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all [men], especially unto them who are of the household of faith."

Meditate on this passage to see how a person can have the proper estimation of their own worth. The rejoicing we are longing for will only come when we learn to serve others. The self-esteem we desire will come when we learn to esteem others better than ourselves, beginning with our own parents; extending outward to all men. And God is to be esteemed above all, for He is our Creator Who truly loves us and proved it by the sending of His only begotten Son.