A Confusing and Misleading Message

Well, I finally made myself finish "Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus" by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson. I'm not linking it because I really can't recommend it.

I am reminded that the most dangerous counterfeit currency is that which contains elements of the real thing. This parenting book has some themes which sound good at first glance. It encourages the parent to point children toward their need for the cross. It reminds the parent to rely on God and know that you are not perfect and certainly not a "perfect parent". It cautions that Christ alone saves--our children will not be saved by "good parenting" (should we somehow manage to attain this elusive state). It alludes to something I have long believed--that parenting is an excellent venture to bring us "to the end of ourselves" and force us to our knees beseeching the Lord for guidance and wisdom.

I also liked some of the things she said about media and interactions with those who don't know Christ, and she had a very interesting "formula" (although she disdains formulas as holding to the law rather than resting in grace) for parenting: Management, Nurturing, Training, Correction, and rehearsing gospel Promises (89).

But in my opinion, these nuggets of truth are not worth a reading of the book which could easily confuse the reader. The author contradicts herself at times (for example, relax and rest in grace/do it this way as illustrated in the chart in the appendix) and the book contains some teaching which is presented as biblical, but certainly contradicts my understanding of the Scripture. She says, for example, that "God always employs Satan to God's end, to serve God's people" (150) but that simply is not true. Rather, Satan is the enemy of God, He is trying to keep us from God, and he prowls around as a hungry lion seeking whom He may devour (not serve!). This is such a ludicrous notion I can hardly talk about it. Job glorified God in the way he handled his trials from the devil, but the devil was NOT employed by God to serve Job! God allowed Job to be tested, Jesus allows us to be sifted as wheat (at Satan's initiation, notice, not God's! Luke 22:31) , but God himself tempts no one (James 1:13).

There is a decidedly Calvinistic tone to the book as the author teaches that God will either save your child or not--the child has no choice in his or her response to the gospel and you as the parent certainly have nothing to do with it. Now, I'll grant you, I cannot save my children--salvation is of Christ. At the same time, I can't believe that I have no influence in the training of my children and preparing their hearts to be noble or honest and good and thus ready to receive the seed of the Word (Luke 8:15). Why would God make a covenant with Abraham because he knew he would "command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and justice" (Genesis 18:19) if He gives the parent no responsibility in leading children to obey the Lord? And doesn't God say He unites the husband and wife in body and spirit--and why? because he is seeking godly offspring (Malachi 2:15). We are admonished to bring our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4) and it seems to me we have a responsibility to obey this command as much as we can while simultaneously trusting God's grace to cover our many, many failures in the attempt.

I was also surprised at the author's equating suffering the consequences of sin with persecution. She seems to think all trials, all loss, all suffering and pain we encounter in life are given to us by God (who employs Satan against us but "for" us--bleck) for the express purpose of seeing how we handle them and giving God glory. Again, there is a small nugget of truth here--our response to trials, suffering, and temptation CAN INDEED bring glory to God. But it is possible to suffer as a consequence of sin and God clearly contrasts this with suffering for the name of Christ (I Peter 4:14-16) and other times we suffer simply because "time and chance happen" (Ecclesiastes 9:11). Yet this book compares Paul's suffering of persecution (which was clearly for the name of Christ) to the suffering of a parent whose child is rebellious and says we should boast in this circumstance as Paul did because our child's sin is from God to teach us humility and to rely on Him. Methinks this is comparing apples and oranges. . .and again, simply not true.

There are other, more practical, things in this book that I disagreed with--namely the practice of talking your kids to death. She shares literal PARAGRAPHS of what she would say to a child who is wiggly during prayer or who threw the bat when he struck out at a baseball game. To be honest, I can't hardly even make myself read through these dissertations--I'm mentally rolling my eyes as I read. Can you imagine a child actually *listening* for paragraphs of "correction"?! At the risk of making this post way too long for anyone to ever actually even read, I just have to share what she says you should say to your four-year-old child who is pitching an on-the-ground screaming fit because he doesn't want to leave the park.

Sweetheart, I will discipline you now because I love you, and you must learn to control yourself. When I tell you that it is time to go, we must leave. I know you didn't want to go, but when we don't get what we want, it isn't okay to start screaming and throw yourself to the ground. There are two things you must understand: first, you were being unsafe. God has put me in charge of you, and he has told me to keep you safe. When you lie in a parking lot with cars around, you could get hurt. So, when I tell you to come, I am doing what I believe will keep you safe. Second, when you don't get what you want, you are not allowed to start screaming and crying. You are sinning against God and against me when you disobey and complain. I understand that you didn't want to leave the park. I know how difficult it is to show control when you don't get what you want. And because you can't control yourself, you need Jesus (58).

Okay, sorry, I'm tired of typing, so you only get the first paragraph. But SERIOUSLY?! Try just reading that paragraph out loud--and imagine saying it to a four-year-old. The first problem with the whole example is a four-year-old even trying to pitch a throw-myself-down-screaming-fit, but I digress. . .

So, what will I take from this book? I did appreciate the reminder to consciously point my teens to Christ's sacrifice when they are struggling with sin in their lives and comfort them with the Truth that they are clothed in Christ's righteousness, not their own failures. Other than that. . .I'd recommend sticking with Parenting by the Book!

I received this book in exchange for my honest review from www.crossway.org/blog And, as always, if you see Scriptural error in what I am saying, please speak the truth in love to me.