How Do You Say "I'm Sorry"?

Some people say the words with sincerity, their eyes pleading for forgiveness.  Some people say the words begrudgingly, their body language shouting pride and rebellion.  Some people say them cavalierly, as though the words give them a free pass to do whatever they want and you can see they'll continue blithely through life, doing as they like without regard to others, and expecting a casual "I'm Sorry" to excuse them yet again.

There are still other ways of saying "I'm Sorry."  Some people put the blame on the recipient of their apology.  "I'm sorry you were hurt. . .I'm sorry you feel that way. . .I'm sorry you took it that way."  What they did or said wasn't wrong, you understand--YOU are wrong for how you reacted, but since an apology seems to be in order to restore the relationship, they will apologize for you.

Still others, of course, refuse to ever say "I'm sorry" at all.  They think they were in the right, or you deserved it, or they just continue on as though nothing ever happened, or try to be extra nice or bring a gift or something to ease it all over.  Or perhaps they make excuses for why they acted that way, like the murderer who is not responsible for his crime because he was "under the influence."

Then there are other people who go way overboard with a so-called apology and manage to make it all about themselves instead of actually asking for forgiveness and seeking to restore the relationship.  They whine and go on about how horrible they are until you end up comforting them and reassuring them that they really are not a bad person and it's not that big of a deal and doing or saying whatever it takes to get them to stop wallowing in their self-pity.  Not until you've walked away do you realize they've managed to make it all about them, yet again, and manipulated you, yet again, without ever sincerely apologizing for their wrongdoing.

This leads me to how we receive an apology.  I am of the camp that doesn't teach my children to say "that's all right" when someone apologizes for wronging them.  Just because you forgive someone doesn't make what they did all right.  Usually it was absolutely *wrong* not at all "all right".  I am trying to teach them to simply say "I forgive you" and then act on that statement.

But what is forgiveness?  It's not a feeling, I don't think, but a choice.  It doesn't mean you think what the other person did was okay, and it doesn't mean you have to lie down and take it again.  It doesn't mean you haven't been hurt.  It doesn't mean you automatically trust them, for as a book my friend reviewed says, "trust must be earned by kind, respectful, considerate behavior."  Forgiveness means you don't hold what they've said or done against them or over their head.  It means you want a relationship with that person.  It means you realize you make mistakes as well and you are willing to extend grace and mercy just as God has extended it to you.

So how do you say "I'm sorry"?  I don't have it all figured out--it's actually rather new to me.  My family of origin. . .well, we just didn't do apologies.  Holding grudges, brushing things under the carpet, avoiding conflict rather than resolving it--that's what I am accustomed to.  But I'm trying to learn.  So far, this is what I'm thinking from my short life thus far.

• I am at a point where I think it is good to confess your fault.  This is what God tells us to do when we are in a covenant relationship with Him and we stumble but want our relationship restored.  When we wrong someone, it is good to humbly confess "I was wrong to __________."  
• Then it is good to apologize if you really are sorry.  What does it mean to be sorry?  To wish you hadn't done it.  To have genuine regret for your behavior.  It implies, of course, repentance--making a change.  Turning away from doing that again.  "I am sorry I hurt you."
• Finally, meekly ask for what you want.  Ask that your relationship be restored.  Ask that the person give you mercy by not making you pay with a breach in your relationship for what you've done.  Expect to show them you are worthy of their renewed trust.  "Will you please forgive me?"

It requires the laying aside of self both to apologize and to grant forgiveness.  It requires humility, when we are so much more naturally prideful.

How do YOU say "I'm Sorry?"