Infinitely More

Kids need a mom and a dad.  They need to grow up in a family where they will be loved, nurtured, and trained.  We know that--even just instinctively, we know that.  But the more I learn, the more I read, the more I experience. . .well, the more I see how much better God's ways are.  Reading Infinitely More by Alex Krutov reminded me of what I already knew, yet painted an even starker reality of the future for orphans than I previously understood.

Alex grew up in the Russian orphanage system and his story begins when he was abandoned as an infant as the Soviet Union collapsed.  He shares what life was like in the orphanage, his experience with adoption "disruption", and the bleak future orphans face as they age out of an orphanage.  It becomes a story of hope, however, as he interacts with christian missionaries and grows in his knowledge of and relationship with Christ and His followers.  His story culminates with his beautiful desire to serve other orphans and pass on the hope and purpose he received by the grace of God.

I was most struck by the emotional and spiritual desert orphans face as a result of their lack of family.  Alex effectively illustrated how throwing money at a situation and buying stuff does nothing to address the core, heart issues.

"missionary dollars were flowing into the orphanages, yet it did not change the outlook for the orphans' futures to have nicer bathrooms or hot water.  There was no real investment in their morality, their spirituality, their identity, value, dignity, or purpose.  We watched, over time, as orphans left the system, hopeless.  In fact, the Russian society honestly believed it would be better for everyone if they just died"

I think we all know about the horrible lives many orphans lead after they age out of the system,

"For all these reasons, along with the emotional issues of hopelessness, isolation, and depression, the vast majority of emancipated orphans begin to make poor choices, choosing the streets as their 'home' and selling drugs and their bodies, or stealing, to survive.  At least ten percent of them end up committing suicide."

But I hadn't thought about orphans having a sense of entitlement since they had never learned to work for what they had (little though it was) or had the opportunity to realize their needs were met because they were  loved (as I was, or as my children are).

"There is a phenomenon with orphans, at least for those who grew up in an orphanage, that goes contrary to expectations:  a sense of entitlement that comes from years of someone else providing for you.  Never mind that their core needs of love and affection were never met, or that their provisions were secondhand, ill-fitted clothing and shoes, or that their showers were cold.  Their perceived needs were always met by someone else--and not anyone close to them, either, but by an impersonal 'them'.  Similarly, there is a concept with orphans known as 'silent love':  their inability to express appreciation.  They were never taught how to show appreciation or express affection".

I am  inspired by Alex's story and growth in the Lord.  There were certainly times he was immature, selfish, greedy. . .all sorts of ugly character traits. . .but I appreciated that his story didn't gloss over his own imperfections and growth.  That wouldn't have been realistic or honest, nor would it be helpful to others walking behind him.

"Too many missionaries believe you just bring the gospel and lead people to the Lord and then they'll be fine.  Yet, that is just the starting point.  You need to deal with the emotional baggage of these orphans, working through attitude and emotional changes, forgiveness, and validating these kids as individuals."

Reading stories like this touch my heart and make me think there's room for one more child in my heart and home--surely there's room for one more child who needs a mom and dad, security, love, the gospel. . .

For information on Alex's ministry to disciple and mentor orphans in family-style communities, check out The Harbor.

Children in Church

I could write about this book and its topic every day for the next week, but I'll try to spare you that.  Without going on about it too much, I have been noticing with increasing concern a tendency toward the devaluing of children in the prevailing culture.  For example, at Destry's violin recital and symphony performance, I felt people glaring at me that I should dare bring my younger children.  My mom noticed it too.  I tend to surround myself with people who love children and consider them a blessing, so I was unprepared for this attitude.

Sadly, I'm afraid this attitude is infiltrating the christian church at large.  Quite frankly, (and attempting not to be offensive at all) I was shocked some time ago to visit a church where children were strongly discouraged from being in the auditorium for the service.  If parents insisted on keeping their children with them, they were relegated to an assigned area.

 Stained glass window in a church building at a wedding we attended recently.

In my numb shock, all I could think was "What does Jesus think of this?  Didn't He say 'Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God'?  I can think of multiple Old Testament passages that specifically list children as being included in the presence of the reading of God's Word.  Why wouldn't we want children with their parents as they approach the Lord in worship and study of the Word?

Two possibilities come to my mind: 

1. The general tendency we have in our society to want entertainment.  If we see the gathering of the church body as a time to be entertained with great worship music and a dynamic message, we might not want to be distracted by the responsibilities of parenthood.  If, however, we see the gathering of the body as a time to worship, to remember the Lord's sacrifice, to build one another up, and glorify  God, we might be more likely to bring our children alongside us so they can witness our worship and learn to worship Him as well.
2. Our sad neglect of child training.  If we haven't trained our children to obey or to know when it's appropriate to sit quietly, our children will be a disruption to the body at large and they will need to be shuffled off out of the way.

When I saw Children in Church:  Nurturing Hearts of Worship by Curt and Sandra Lovelace, I couldn't wait to read it.  I was most struck by their "sense of loss at the mass exodus of the next generation immediately before the opening of the Word of God" (118) and can't help but notice how it coincides with the mass exodus of young adults from the church.  This likely correlation makes me sit up and take notice.

The Lovelaces gently explore Scriptures showing the Lord's heart for children and helping the reader understand that children both benefit from gathering with the congregation and contribute to the service.  My personal experience resonates with their statements as my children frequently whisper "we know that story/verse" when they hear the teaching and many encouraging older members have reassured me that baby sounds give them joy and hope for the future. 

I think the Lovelaces do a good job of not only addressing the principles of children in church, but also the practicalities.  They share tips (from experience) for packing activity bags, illustrating sermons, and training children to worship alongside the adults.  They address the "Philippians 2 principle" simultaneously reminding parents to train their children at home so they won't hinder the worship of fellow believers and encouraging others to be encouraging and helpful to the struggling parent rather than condemning.  They give examples of bringing an activity to share with a parent and even examples of inviting children to sit with an older, more experienced parent to support a younger parent.  This sounds like true "one another" christianity.

My slight criticism of this already short and easy-to-read book is that it might have belabored its points a little more than it needed to, but I also realize I was already convinced before I started reading so another reader might not share this criticism.  I was most blessed by the reminder to teach/lead my children to worship, not just keep them quiet so they won't disturb worshipers around us.  I have been guilty of having the wrong focus this last year and I am so thankful for their speaking the truth in love which I needed to hear.  They also ended the book with a very nicely done summary of points addressed to "church leaders".

Children in Church:  Nurturing Hearts of Worship by Curt and Sandra Lovelace encouraged me to keep on keeping on and refuse to grow weary in well-doing.  I appreciated the abundance of Scriptures cited in support of children worshiping with their parents and am motivated to bring my children alongside me in adoration of our Savior.  The Lovelaces speak with a voice of experience and authenticity liberally sprinkled with both grace and conviction as they share encouragement and practical hints for those of us still in the trenches with our children beside us in the pews.

I received a copy of this book in return for my honest review. 

Our Fun and Learning Never Ends

 If you just finished my title with "here's what we learned today" in your big, purple dinosaur voice, you just might be a mother.

We've had several fun learning opportunities this summer, so prepare yourself for a bunch of pictures.  Above, Briana and Destry enjoy puzzle-solving in the blacksmith shop at Living History Farms.  Below, Kiana checks out the broom in the broom-maker shop.

We thought the "retro" ballgame, played with rules, announcer, and uniforms from the late 1800s was pretty fun.

And we finished our day by gorging ourselves at the Machine Shed.  I had just taken snacks for our day at the farm and we were all ready for some good food.  The Machine Shed never disappoints in that regard!

Another day found us at the Science Center, which my kiddos love.  I think they would be happy to visit there once a week.

Faces by Briana and Destry, chuckle

Easton's engineering

Building dams to make electricity is always a big hit

Easton loves building Lego cars for the racing ramp.  He could do this for  hours.

Tyrell was slightly overwhelmed, but enjoyed playing with the toy food.

Then he climbed up on the table to build with dominoes just like the "big kids"

Designing with dominoes to ring the bell

 

Kiana somehow managed to wrap the fake egg in such a way that it survived the machine without cracking.  She was pretty proud.

The bubble center was a huge hit with the little ones.

I think Briana and Destry had the most fun when they ran into another home schooling friend and they all decided to play with the static electricity ball.  Briana had the bright idea of using her ring to conduct the electricity, and then they found a piece of aluminum foil to play with and shock themselves. They are *definitely* their father's children. ;)

Briana and Destry also had the honor of playing a duet of "I Do" for their cousin's wedding.  They worked really hard on it and did a great job.  What a great experience for them to get to share their talents in serving this way!  It was also good for them to work together, to set a goal, and have a deadline for learning the piece.  This non-bookwork learning is my favorite kind and these are experiences they will always remember.

How Do You Say "I'm Sorry"?

Some people say the words with sincerity, their eyes pleading for forgiveness.  Some people say the words begrudgingly, their body language shouting pride and rebellion.  Some people say them cavalierly, as though the words give them a free pass to do whatever they want and you can see they'll continue blithely through life, doing as they like without regard to others, and expecting a casual "I'm Sorry" to excuse them yet again.

There are still other ways of saying "I'm Sorry."  Some people put the blame on the recipient of their apology.  "I'm sorry you were hurt. . .I'm sorry you feel that way. . .I'm sorry you took it that way."  What they did or said wasn't wrong, you understand--YOU are wrong for how you reacted, but since an apology seems to be in order to restore the relationship, they will apologize for you.

Still others, of course, refuse to ever say "I'm sorry" at all.  They think they were in the right, or you deserved it, or they just continue on as though nothing ever happened, or try to be extra nice or bring a gift or something to ease it all over.  Or perhaps they make excuses for why they acted that way, like the murderer who is not responsible for his crime because he was "under the influence."

Then there are other people who go way overboard with a so-called apology and manage to make it all about themselves instead of actually asking for forgiveness and seeking to restore the relationship.  They whine and go on about how horrible they are until you end up comforting them and reassuring them that they really are not a bad person and it's not that big of a deal and doing or saying whatever it takes to get them to stop wallowing in their self-pity.  Not until you've walked away do you realize they've managed to make it all about them, yet again, and manipulated you, yet again, without ever sincerely apologizing for their wrongdoing.

This leads me to how we receive an apology.  I am of the camp that doesn't teach my children to say "that's all right" when someone apologizes for wronging them.  Just because you forgive someone doesn't make what they did all right.  Usually it was absolutely *wrong* not at all "all right".  I am trying to teach them to simply say "I forgive you" and then act on that statement.

But what is forgiveness?  It's not a feeling, I don't think, but a choice.  It doesn't mean you think what the other person did was okay, and it doesn't mean you have to lie down and take it again.  It doesn't mean you haven't been hurt.  It doesn't mean you automatically trust them, for as a book my friend reviewed says, "trust must be earned by kind, respectful, considerate behavior."  Forgiveness means you don't hold what they've said or done against them or over their head.  It means you want a relationship with that person.  It means you realize you make mistakes as well and you are willing to extend grace and mercy just as God has extended it to you.

So how do you say "I'm sorry"?  I don't have it all figured out--it's actually rather new to me.  My family of origin. . .well, we just didn't do apologies.  Holding grudges, brushing things under the carpet, avoiding conflict rather than resolving it--that's what I am accustomed to.  But I'm trying to learn.  So far, this is what I'm thinking from my short life thus far.

• I am at a point where I think it is good to confess your fault.  This is what God tells us to do when we are in a covenant relationship with Him and we stumble but want our relationship restored.  When we wrong someone, it is good to humbly confess "I was wrong to __________."  
• Then it is good to apologize if you really are sorry.  What does it mean to be sorry?  To wish you hadn't done it.  To have genuine regret for your behavior.  It implies, of course, repentance--making a change.  Turning away from doing that again.  "I am sorry I hurt you."
• Finally, meekly ask for what you want.  Ask that your relationship be restored.  Ask that the person give you mercy by not making you pay with a breach in your relationship for what you've done.  Expect to show them you are worthy of their renewed trust.  "Will you please forgive me?"

It requires the laying aside of self both to apologize and to grant forgiveness.  It requires humility, when we are so much more naturally prideful.

How do YOU say "I'm Sorry?"

Little Bee

My favorite passage from Little Bee:

On the girl's brown legs, there were many small white scars.  I was thinking, Do those scars cover the whole of you, like the stars and the moons on your dress?  I thought that would be pretty too, and I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly.  That is what the scar makers want us to think.  But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them.  We must see all scars as beauty.  Okay?  This will be our secret.  Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying.  A scar means, I survived.

In a few breaths' time I will speak some sad words to you.  But you must hear them the same way we have agreed to see scars now.  Sad words are just another beauty.  A sad story means, this storyteller is alive.  The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile (9).

Did you read those words?  I love that perspective and have read those sentences over and over again.  Scars are simply evidence of events that have shaped who we are and made us stronger.  Let's not dwell on the events or wallow in a victim mentality, but rather celebrate our survival, learn from our experiences, and move on.

I read Chris Cleave's novel, Little Bee, in one day.  I thoroughly enjoyed his way with words and characterization, but mostly, the book was just plain powerful.  It's the story of a Nigerian refugee and an English woman and how their lives intersect in a way that changes both of their lives forever.  It's a book about survival. . .and its alternative.  It's a book about the choices we make and their inevitable consequences.

I don't recommend it unreservedly as one scene is horrifying in its intensity, and I certainly don't condone the actions of some of the main characters.  In fact, there were times I wanted to reach into the book and shake the characters.  At the same time, it's an honest portrayal of how life can be.

It made me think, it opened my mind to terrors in other parts of the world, it made me reflect and challenge myself.  It's one that sticks with the reader.  I'm glad I read it.

Cornrowed Pigtails

I have Kiana's hair in off-set pigtails right now.  I parted her hair from ear to ear and on the first day cornrowed the front over to one side and collected the braids into a ponytail with a ballie.  She wore the back loose and curly that first day.

Then on the second day I cornrowed the back to the opposite side and secured the ends of the braids with a ballie into another ponytail.  This is a darling--and cool--style and took about 45 minutes each day to complete.  I expect it to last at least two weeks and maybe three.

My only complaint is she chose the new variegated orange bead set and she doesn't seem to have many orange clothes this summer!  Oh well, she pulls off orange and pink just fine.

Tyrell is sporting the two-strand twists again, which is still my favorite hairstyle on him as I continue to hold out on getting his first haircut.

And in the spirit of keeping it simple, Kiana wore simple braided pigtails for about a week before this most recent cornrowed pigtail style.  Just a reminder to all of us moms, the style doesn't have to be fancy or complicated to be adorable! :)

Assumptions That Affect Our Lives

"I think everybody needs to read it."  --Destry

I read Assumptions That Affect Our Lives:  How Worldviews Determine Values that Influence Behavior and Shape Culture by Dr. Christian Overman with my teens this past school year.   This book is so outstanding, it's one of those I have a hard time reviewing.  I agree with Destry; my temptation is to just say go get this book right now and read it.  Period.

Why are you still here reading this review?  Do you need further convincing?  Let's see if I can organize my racing brain.

This book is written from the premise that we all have certain assumptions--a pattern of thought, if you will--that shape what we believe and how we live.  Many times we don't even examine why we believe what we believe, or how our beliefs are affecting the choices we make.  This book breaks down how the choices we are making, both as individuals and as a culture, are revealing underlying beliefs.

It's a bit scary.

This is a huge topic, but Dr. Overman did a wonderful job making it easier to understand (his acknowledgements give credit to his wife for 'reviewing the manuscript with an eye for understandability for everyday people', so I am also grateful to her).  He breaks it down into its most basic form as a comparison between Hebraic thought (that of those people who believed in God and attempted to follow His commandments) and Greek thought (in which people believe there is no absolute truth and worship the created rather than the Creator).  He shows that our belief system is something like a map, and if our map is flawed, we simply won't reach our destination.  It doesn't matter how talented we are, how hard we work, how sincerely we are attempting to arrive if our map is flawed.

Now aren't you ready to check this book out so you can examine your map?  This is serious business.

Overman challenges us to a history quiz.  "What time and place in history do the following statements describe?

• People, especially the educated ones, have rejected traditional religion.
• The upper class is consumed with the pursuit of pleasure.
• Education stresses knowledge more than character, and produces masses of half-educated people.
• Public athletic games have turned into professional contests.
• Homosexuality is popular.
• Men who want to watch dances by unclad women do not have to go far to find them.
• The dramas of the day are full of seduction and adultery.
• A women's liberation movement has brought women into active roles in a  previously male-oriented culture.
• Motherhood is devalued, and the bearing of children is viewed as an inconvenience.
• Abortion is commonly practiced, as well as infanticide.

The similarities between decadent Greece and present day America are stark and sobering.  Even more sobering is the fact that many of these descriptions so fitting for America today would have been unthinkable just two generations ago.  We've come a long way in a short time.  The descriptions of ancient Greece listed above are those given by historian Will Durant in his well-known book, The Life of Greece, published in 1939.  He writes about these characteristics of Greek culture near the latter part of the book, in a subsection entitled, "The Morals of Decay."  This was Greece near the end of her life" (20, emphasis mine).

"It all has to do with thinking.  What was once unthinkable, became acceptable thought.  And what is accepted thought, sooner or later is acted out.  Our assumptions have changed.  What most Americans assumed years ago to be true about ourselves and our offspring, many no longer hold to be true.  There has been a large scale shift of assumptions about who we are and what determines our values.  At the present time in our history, many Americans have assimilated those same assumptions held by the ancient Greeks that allowed a few Nazi Germans to justify the elimination of bed-wetters.  These very same assumptions are now allowing a multitude of apple-pie-eating Americans to eliminate 4,000 pre-born children a day, before they have an opportunity to sleep in a bed, let alone wet one" (70).

Briana shares her favorite idea she took from the book:   "There is no such thing as secular.  There is no area that God is not present in.  As Colossians says, in Him all things exist and hold together.  Instead of secular and spiritual dividers, we should designate things as either natural or supernatural; God is present in both."  I thought this was a great lesson for her to retain, especially considering our tendency to "compartmentalize" God and our belief in Him.  It's tempting to relegate God to Sunday and think education, employment, relationships, government, etc. somehow operate independently of Him.

I could go on and on about the tons of information packed into this book.  I could have written a blog post responding to each chapter if I had just had the time.  It's really that good.  What are you waiting for?  wink, (and no I don't receive a commission, I just think it's that great).