Loved By Choice

I recently read a book which has a tone that is appreciated by an adoptive mom who reads a little too much. I have to admit I sometimes am drawn, like a moth to a flame, to blogs in which adult adoptees or birthparents write about how adoption has ruined their lives. I don't know what it is about me that goes back to those blogs. . .

Admittedly, I want to be educated about adoption, and I want to be as prepared as I possibly can to help my children through this aspect of who they are as an adoptee. I frequently find them frustrating, even irritating, to read as I'm just not one to get stuck in a "victim mentality." I tend to be more of an "okay, so this is the past, this is what I can do about it, this is what I just need to accept and move on, so let's move on" kind of person with issues in my own past.

But I also have empathy for the bloggers, and I also want to see things from someone else's perspective as I think that will help me to understand and help my children. So I keep going back, even though they tend to depress me a little bit--and scare me, if I'm being completely honest.

But this book is written from a different perspective (and some of the bloggers I've read would say contributors are in 'denial' or that the author selected only those who had positive experiences to include in their anthology--see how reading those blogs puts thoughts into my head?!). Loved by Choice: True Stories That Celebrate Adoption was compiled by Susan Horner and Kelly Fordyce Martindale and focuses on the relationships among adoptees and their biological and adoptive families and their respective experiences. It shares perspectives of birthparents, adoptees, adoptive parents, and even grandparents (both birth and adoptive, as I recall) and siblings, so it presents a pretty complete picture.

I was very touched by accounts from the first mothers who chose to make adoption plans for their children. As I read the experiences and emotions shared, I could really relate to them as I've heard similar sentiments from my children's first mothers. I read with a Kleenex in my hand as I know the pain these women experienced is all too real. At the same time, I was grateful to them for sharing their stories and can see how it could be comforting to an adoptee to hear these accounts and know it was never an easy decision, it was never an intent to reject, it was always a desire for the best these mothers could give their children.

"Our days together in the hospital were bittersweet. I held Becky and cried a lot. I told her how much I loved her and hoped she'd understand why I was giving her up for adoption. I asked my baby to forgive me, hoping that maybe someday she would understand how heartbreaking this was for me. . .The moment I saw her (sometime after the adoption) I knew I had made the right choice. She was a healthy, happy, smiling, wonderful child. When she looked at me it was as if she knew who I was and loved me. My joy was indescribable" (19) (birthmother)

"I was unprepared emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. . .I have always believed a child needs a mother and a father if at all possible. I knew I was not ready to parent, even though I was already a parent, and the baby's father had made it clear he wasn't ready for parenthood either. I thought of all the love, support, and security my parents had given me through the years, and I knew I couldn't give anything close to that to my child. Not yet anyway" (65). . ."we would go our separate ways in just a few minutes--a family with a new baby and me with empty arms" (70).

"I could raise my child. Alone. Without family. Without security. Without any guarantees. The bottom line was, did I love this child enough to want the best for him--even if I wasn't the one who could provide it? Adoption is a choice of love. Of sacrifice. Of giving so that someone you love can have more even if it leaves you wanting" (81).

"I wanted my baby to have a safe, loving home, with a kind and nurturing mom and dad--something I had always longed for. How could I give what I didn't have? I was only fourteen. . .It hurt so much to be away from (my baby). But deep in my heart I felt at peace about my decision to go through the pregnancy and place my baby for adoption. I know it was the best thing, the most unselfish thing I've ever done in my life. . .She will always be in my heart and part of my family. I didn't reject her, but chose adoption because I loved her so much" (94).

Some of the comments from adoptive mothers resonated with me as well. One of the mothers expressed my exact thoughts as we've spent time with birthparents before placement:

"I desired to know the birthmother. I wanted to reassure her that we would be the best parents we could be. Further, the more I knew about her, the better I could answer our child's questions. . .We wanted to stay longer (in the hospital) but understood Tanya and her family were saying their goodbyes. This was their time with (the baby). . .The bittersweet part for me was while I was experiencing great joy, I knew Tanya was experiencing great loss" (22). (adoptive mother)

I have written before about the "extended family" relationship we have with birthparents of our children, and I really focused on the positive aspects. So far, we *have* had very positive relationships with our children's birthparents. But I have to admit there are uncomfortable aspects to the open adoption experience as well. For example, we haven't quite figured out what our children will call their birthparents. For now, we refer to them by their first names, and that is what the children call them. In our opinion, the children are young enough, we think it would be confusing to call them 'mom', for example, when that's what they call me. Birthmother or birthmom is one term, but it's awkward and. . .formal?? First mom feels more natural to me, as far as for reference, but when we meet face to face, what will our children call their birth parents? Our thought is to let the children decide what feels right and natural to them--but I'm not saying we have it all figured out. We'll see.

Sometimes I also wonder how it will be as the children get older and perhaps we have different parenting philosophies from a birthparent. Will that cause hard feelings? Might our children wish to be parented by a more lenient parent? Might a birthparent encourage rebellion in our son or daughter or side with them against us in a disagreement? I realize we will just have to cross that bridge if it presents itself. But I was comforted by some of the sentiments in this book, such as when an adoptee wrote "(my birthmother) and I both see my mom as "The Mom": the one who can put me on restriction, and the one who comforts me when I'm sad or sick" (35).

I was surprised to see another sentiment shared by an adoptive mom which I've held deep inside. It is actually rather freeing to know I'm not the only adoptive mom who has felt this desire to reassure my children's birthparents that they made the right choice in choosing us to parent their precious children by wanting to present this picture of a perfect parent and family, even as I'm so desperately aware that we aren't perfect--we're just humans doing the best we know in the moment, just like anyone else. But what if they should see something they don't like and then be filled with this horrible regret and feel they've made a mistake and there's nothing they can do about it? That's taking on quite a lot of unreal expectation and responsibility--so this woman's comment was rather freeing:

"The openness has not always been comfortable. . .It was because I was trying to do everything within my power to assure these women that they had made the right decision; that (my husband) and I were wonderful parents and that their child would always be happy with us. I wanted to appear perfect. The rub is that I am not perfect and neither are my children" (32).

It was also freeing and reassuring to read the reflections shared by the adoptees themselves. I don't know why I let myself get bogged down by reading blogs of adoptees who hate that they were adopted. It's especially ironic considering I know several people who were adopted and without exception they have encouraged us along this journey (another irony is that the only discouraging words we've heard have come from families who adopted children or siblings of children who were adopted???? still not sure what to think of that!). Good friends Dixie, Stacie, and Mary have gone out of their way to write and speak words to us sharing their positive adoption experiences and how much they love their (adoptive) parents. These three have comforted and reassured me as I share fears that have arisen from reading the pain of adult adoptees. Nonetheless, I was still glad to read words such as these:

"I felt doubly loved. I have always known my parents and both of their families loved me. But it just hit me that (my birthmother's) family loved me too" (28).

"When I hear my mom say how incredible (my birthmother) is and how hard it must have been for her to give me up for adoption, it makes me feel good about who I am. I came from her, and she will always be a part of me" (33).

"Being adopted is sad, but being adopted is glad. I lost something, but I gained something" (127) adoptee

"This I know--I was loved when I was born; I was loved again when I was adopted. And knowing this, I wouldn't change a thing about my life" (240).

So, all in all, I recommend this book highly--for those interested in adoption, for those who have any sort of connection to adoption, or for those who would just like to understand the perspectives of the many relationships forged by adoption. It's an easy read, and an honest look at the thoughts and emotions of various adoption experiences.