The Haves and the Have-Nots

You've either got it or you don't, ya know.

It? That indefinable quality that some possess, while others observe with a mixture of bemusement, amazement, and perhaps just a touch of jealousy.

I don't have it. My three older children don't have it. I'm beginning to think Kiana has it.

From whence comest said quality? Is it about physical attractiveness? Is it charisma or charm? Is it a quality of vulnerability or need? As much as I try to analyze it, I simply can't figure it out.

Some people just seem to inspire others to give to them. Not by asking with words. Others are just somehow compelled to give to them.

For example, when our family recently stopped at Wendy's to get everyone a small Frosty off the Dollar Menu, the cashier spontaneously gave Kiana a toy from a kids' meal. She didn't offer one to Easton, nor has anything like this ever happened with any of the older children. At ballgames the other parents walk her down to the concession stand to buy her a treat, they bring her lollipops and popsicles from their own trip to the concession stand, and they offer her toys and such from their purses.

We saw this phenomenon in high school, too, right? There were the elite few whose friendship was so highly esteemed we literally saw people trying to buy their friendship. Yet I see it past high school as well. Sometimes it's evidenced by the line of people vying to watch your kids so you can have time alone. Other times it's gifts of food, money, clothes or trips. I'll buy your supper if you'll go out with me. I'll bring you an outfit to wear if you'll come to the event with me. I'll buy something from your Pampered Chef party even though I don't have the extra money and don't like the products. Sometimes the "if" is more subtle, but the underlying "if I do this for you, will you please be my friend" still lurks in the shadows.

Sometimes I've observed relationships to have an element of sickness, in which the person who is always helping the other friend seems to have a need to be superior. As long as I am giving to you and helping you, that makes me feel somehow 'better' and 'needed'. The recipient then seems to play the role of continuing incompetence and neediness. . .because I suppose that *would* be easier than doing it yourself, right?

While these are two seemingly opposite types of situations, they still involve that quality some possess which inspires others to give to them. For the have-nots, that would just never work.

I think I'm too independent to play a role in these types of scenarios. I've referenced before the way I was raised in regard to taking care of myself. I've been told before that I just seem to have it all together, that I don't seem to need any help. I examine myself and wonder if that's just pride in my life, for I constantly battle this ugly sin. Certainly pride plays a role in my refusal to 'buy' a friend--like me for who I am or don't, I guess. Yet I don't think it is pride that makes me want to be independent. I don't know for sure, I'm still trying to figure it out. But I do know that no one ever really has it "all together". No one ever stops needing to "get by with a little help from my friends". I guess I feel like this is just understood, and there is no point in going around complaining about my life or my needs. I feel like I'm pretty real and those who take the time to know me are fully aware of my many shortcomings, needs, and weaknesses. (I'm chuckling as I type this--no need to list them, please! smile)

To be absolutely real, there are times I feel a pinch of jealousy for those people who have lots of things given to them. A part of me would love to be gifted with a freezer full of meat instead of saving money every month to buy some of our meat and raising and butchering the rest. I wonder what it would be like to have someone so badly want me to go with them to a Beth Moore conference or a homeschool conference that they offer to pay all the gas and motel costs. It would certainly have been easier to adopt our children if we had people giving us thousands of dollars (not to minimize the supportive hundreds of dollars we WERE blessed with) and sponsoring benefit dinners, garage sales, and donation buttons on their blogs to raise money for the adoption costs. It would simplify my life if people volunteered to teach my children how to play musical instruments (for free) or come and do my laundry.

Yet deep down I know easier is not necessarily better. I know when we work for something, we appreciate it more. I know the growth which comes through persevering is more valuable than free and easy stuff. I know the Bible says if one doesn't work, neither should he eat. And as I read back through the above paragraph, a voice in my gut tells me I wouldn't let someone pay my way to a conference, but would insist on paying my fair share, nor would I allow someone to teach my children music without some sort of payment or trade in return.

So what does this mean as a 'have-not' parent raising a 'have' child? I'm not sure--writing this post was supposed to help me figure this out! I care a great deal about her character, and want her to learn the value of perseverance and hard work and the growth that comes by doing without rather than receiving everything on a silver spoon. Perhaps it comes down to not abusing this quality that prompts others to give to her; perhaps it involves somehow guiding her away from a sense of entitlement; perhaps it involves teaching her to give more than she receives.