Musings on Friendship

Monday, December 22, 2008

I recently finished the book 'Friendships of Women' by Dee Brestin which a friend recommended and loaned to me. It had many good points and caused me to evaluate both myself as a friend and my personal friendships. I really liked the way she based the whole book around the biblical relationships of David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, and Mary and Elizabeth. She has amazing insight into the lessons we can gain from what God's Word tells us about these people and their relationships. Since I borrowed the book, I'm again going to type up some of the quotes that resonated with me. A friend is defined as someone you feel close to, see often, can count on when you need him (15). I love the depth of Webster's 1828 dictionary so had to consult it, too. Webster says a friend is one who is attached to another by affection; one who entertains for another sentiments of esteem, respect and affection, which lead him to desire his company, and to seek to promote his happiness and prosperity. Webster also defines friendship as an attachment to a person, proceeding from intimate acquaintance, and a reciprocation of kind offices, or from a favorable opinion of the amiable and respectable qualities of his mind. I've recently been getting to know a woman who is relatively new to this area. We got to talking about friendship and she shared that she is hesitant in making new friendships because she has been hurt by friends in the past. I found that interesting, as I shared with her, because I've had a lot of experience in the past with just getting to know someone, to developing that intimacy, and then they move away and the friendship just isn't able to sustain the depth via long distance. As a result, we each have established some self-protective walls in friendships. Shortly after this discussion, I read on page 14 of my book that many women have been wounded in friendships so 'have withdrawn because they no longer want to endure the pain of parting—and parting is increasingly common in our times'. The book also shared a story (38ff) about young girls who were struggling with friendship. Initially, the first girl had two different friends, and was urged by her mother to introduce the two and have them over to play at the same time. While she didn't want to do this, she obeyed her mother, and as a result, the two girls made a pact to be friends and shun the initial girl. With stories like the above, I could understand why women become insecure and withdrawn in forming friendships. The author, however, addressed the selfishness and 'desire to secure their own positions' that such actions illustrate and examined biblical relationships for our model. In the biblical model, friends have unfailing love which 'means anticipating a friend’s needs, following up on her concerns. . .paying attention' (118). She says 'sin enters the picture when a friendship becomes a dependent relationship. In a healthy friendship, we desire to see our friend reach her potential—it is a giving friendship in which we build her up, encourage her to reach out to others, and find ways to serve God' (50). While it's easy for us to slide into complacency about the needs of others when our own needs for intimacy are being met (46), she keeps bringing the reader back to the need to reach out to others with the heart of a servant. Sometimes the way to serve another is by giving her the opportunity to serve, as she says ' we need to overcome our reluctance in asking people to help us bear our temporary overburdens. And we need to be discerning, like Ruth, and realize that a friend may really need us despite her protestations otherwise' (78). All her message revolves around truly knowing a friend, paying attention to who she is and anticipating what she needs--unfailing love. The Hebrew word for the unfailing love she keeps bringing the reader back to is 'heses' and is the word used in Proverbs 19:22 NIV: "What a man desires is unfailing love". She says 'there are two main thoughts intertwined in this complex Hebrew word. The first is that of mercy or kindness. The second is faithfulness. . .We want our friends to be kind to us, and to never abandon us. We want the kindness of friends intertwined with the permanence of family' (107). While many people view friendship through a 'what's-in-it-for-me-lens' and leave once things get difficult or they aren't getting what they 'need' from the relationship, the author suggests that christians shouldn't be as quick to consider friendships 'disposable' as much of the world does. She says 'there may very well be a time under heaven to close the door on friendships, especially the loose ties. Each of us can maintain only a limited number of close ties. But I believe we too easily are closing doors on the ‘real connections’, and falling into the world’s mold of impermanence and easy good-byes when we fail to be true to the people whose souls have been knit with ours' (117). So what do we do if a friendship has 'lost its first love'? Brestin says 'when the church at Ephesus was not feeling the same love for Christ that they had once, Jesus told them to do three things: Remember the height from which you have fallen; repent; and do the things you did at first' (Rev. 2:5, pg. 111). I thought that was an interesting application, and true for any kind of a relationship, whether between friends, spouses, or a sinner and her Savior. The biggest point I got from her book involved my relationship with Christ. I have to agree with Brestin's comment that 'Naomi has shown me why I am so vulnerable. Like Naomi, I have a tendency to depend on my human relationships rather than God' (94). While God is always there and ready to listen to me, advise me, and love me, I tend to want a human that I can physically see and hear. I want encouragement and understanding from a friend, and sometimes I want a friend to 'take me away!' (I'd choose a friend over Calgon any day! ha!) But the biblical model is for me to go to God to have my needs met, and then reach out, in unfailing love, to serve others, and drive them to God. It's pretty obvious to me that the only way I can even come close to having the 'unfailing love' and healthy relationships epitomized in the Bible is by seeking God first "for in him we live, and move, and have our being" (Acts 17:28).